somewhat of a spectacle

I love to admit when I am wrong

2011-06-30T09:32:00.001-04:00

I went to lunch with Kyle, and it was not what I expected.

In a good way.

I expected feelings, and such. I expected to have to restrain myself and make sure I behaved.

But none of that happened.

Talking to him was bland. Seeing him was bland. He even ordered a bland sandwich, which makes me sad. I love a good sandwich.

Kyle is boring, and simply put: I no longer have any feelings for him.

I think that this is wonderful, and I know it took all this time harboring over what could or might have been for me to get to a happy place in my own life without him to be able to see that he never really mattered. He only mattered because I needed him too.

I needed someone, anyone to matter.

I am pathetic sometimes.

Now, I am happy knowing that there is no chance of redemption; he doesn't need to change for us to be happy. He and I are not happy. And we aren't meant to be together, here or there.

And now the only other man on my mind and in my heart is Harry Potter. But, to get technical, Tom is the other man to Harry, he was there first. And I'll love him forever.

a real blog for once

2011-06-25T10:58:00.004-04:00

I'm sorry for being so MIA, I'm sorry for beign so trite.

Recently (note: two days ago) I joined a weight loss site, and they have a blog system on there. I sort of love it. I love you still, but I have been in a weird place with you lately where i don't know where to go.

I'm here to fix that.

Today, on the weightloss site, I found a place for journal entries... and since I never do anything in private (I love being a blogger) I thought I'd post my first Journal entry here. Also, it's kind of a big deal what happened...

Here ya' go:

Dear Journal,

You have never before existed, except in that awful thing I finally threw away from sixth or so grade where I write horrible stories about mermaids and talk about how much I love Ian and Derrick... Thank you for letting me start clean. Although you provided a good laugh to my friends when I randomly would find you, you embarrassed the poo outta me, I can't have that happen again.

Also, sixth grade Denise, thank you for growing up, but being hilarious while you existed. I am not proud of being you, but I adore you for your hilarity.

Moving on...

What is there to talk about but the men I love???

Now I am realizing how ironically embarrassing it is to have a journal, start to write a post about how lame I was, and then be more lame once I actually get to what I wanted to post about.

God, I'm a big pile of entertainment and embarrassment all wrapped up in a cute little internet package for myself ten years from now who will still be worrying about boys and how to fit her boobs into cute clothes without looking like a hussy...

Ten years from now Denise, remember, you are just as lame now (2011) as you were in sixth grade. And you don't give a shit. I hope you (2021 Denise) don't care either.

So, the email:

Once upon a time I internet dated, and it was a blast for many reasons. I got a lot of free dinners, I met people crazier than myself, and I had the best sex of my life, many many times. I met a boy who explained to me, without even trying, how much chemistry two people could actually have. He showed me that I don't need to be a size 10 to get sexy men, and he showed me what a man should do to a woman when it comes to getting down and dirty.

He also showed me what it meant to be hurting, and lost, and trying to find a substitute to being alone. He was more broken than I was, and I was broken.

I was coming from depression, anxiety, and insomnia so bad that I hadn't slept properly for almost a year. He was coming from a relationship ended by his fiancé having cheated on him. His depression was great, and he wasn't getting help.

I tried to help him, and I think in small ways I did. I loved him, I was good to him, and we spent a lot of time together; easy time, the kind you have in long term relationships that comes from comfort and familiarity, only we only "saw each other"

(note: nothing official...)

for about four months. He was easy, we were easy, but neither of us was really happy.

I wanted him, I was over my break up, in therapy, and on medication that made me feel alive again, and helped me sleep properly for the first time in what seemed like forever.

He wanted her, but not her now, her before she cheated. Her before his heart was broken. Her before everything.

But I wasn't her, and he couldn't be with me.

We enjoyed each other more than either of us imagined possible, but it still wasn't right. Wrong place, wrong time. More hurt feelings.

We stopped talking about four months ago, I remember it perfectly because it was the day I got my acceptance letter in the mail for nursing school, and just after Tom and I started dating... and today is mine and Tom's four-month-iversery.

This morning, I woke up next to Tom, all cuddly and spoony like he loves to sleep, and checked my email.

There it was, from him. From Kyle. From the man I wanted nothing more than to be with forever, apologizing for the way he had treated me, wishing me well, and saying he hoped I remembered him.

The only thing I could do was read it again. And again.

Could it be real? Could the only other guy I think about besides my boyfriend really be emailing me, thinking I'd forgotten him?

So I emailed him back.

Naturally.

The thing I hate most is when people don't answer. So I refuse to be that girl.

I told him I miss him, and that I of course remember him. I told a few bad jokes and informed him of my updates. I told him that there was no need to apologize because I understand where he was coming from and it was my own fault for thinking I could make him happy. And I gave him my phone number.

Told him I would love to see him if he wanted.

And now I am here, writing, waiting, and hoping that the easiest "relationship" I ever had really isn't over and I can at least continue a friendship with him. Because I do miss him,

And in a completely warped and unhealthy way, I loved him too. Still love him.

And miss him terribly.

And want him to be happy again.

I want to know him when he is happy.

-Denise

look what I got in the mail today!

2011-06-24T10:29:00.000-04:00

#winning

2011-06-15T11:57:00.027-04:00

I feel like I've been really melodramatic lately, and for that I apologise. Things really aren't that bad, in fact, they are quite well; I just tend to write more when I'm blue than when I'm not.

Two days ago I went bowling with Tom and Harry, and out of the three games we all played, I beat both of them twice! And, I beat Tom all three times, I also won over all and had the best stats with about a 0.39. If you know me, you'll know that I'm not naturally that competitive, I just like to play, and that's what's fun. But, Tom is obsessive when it comes to winning, so it was nice to wipe the floor with him. When we went mini golfing he beat me by one stroke... I feel that it's my duty to the world to diminish his gigantic ego from time to time; also, with his head size almost inhibiting him from using normal sized doors, I'm doing it for his own good.

I promise.

: )

Yesterday I did a power point for one of my classes, one of those, "getting to know you," projects, and because I have little other than my nephew in my life I care very deeply about, I devoted two of the six slides to my blogs...

When I told Tom about it, he asked if he had been in it, and while I had actually considered it, I had decided not to since we literally have no photos together. And I did it about my family. Tom may be pretty special, but we're not family.

Speaking of Tom and family...

Society makes me laugh, but for the main purpose to avoid crying. People are depressing, it's a wonder it took me this long to need therapy, I must have had my eyes closed for a really long time.

Christianity is based on the fundamentals that God is God, and he is perfect, and his word is law; redeeming yes, but law.

The golden rule states that we are to love others as we love ourselves.

So, by the transitive property, Christians should be the most loving, accepting, understanding, and caring group of people on the planet. Right?

But, as we all know, they are the most judgemental, hateful, stubborn, stuck up people. It makes me very sad to think that they share the same belief system with me, but live such hypocritical lives.

Just an observation.

This doesn't diminish my opinions of Tom's family. I still really like them, and like I said, it does make me laugh.

spiraling into the abyss

2011-06-09T12:49:00.032-04:00

Alternate title: my period and how it ruins my life.

Now, I'm not going to complain because I'm bleeding or having back pain or anything like that. I'm a strong (black) woman, like Kathy Griffin

who, by the way, I have tickets to see on October 23rd!

and I do not blog about things like the monthly war raged between my ovaries and my uterus. I'm above that.

What I'm not above, however, is talking about my emotions. You're welcome.

By the way, is anyone else on blogger? I hate the new set up.

Recently I've noticed that my emotions are sluty bitches who ambush me in the hallways and steal my lunch money. I fear them, I try to avoid them, but somehow they always find a way to sneak up behind me and catch me off guard. It sucks. And it's because mother nature makes me all touchy feely when my ovaries decided they want knocked up again, which is every single month. I cry when I don't want to, I get upset at jokes that aren't meant to hurt me, I get super stressed by everyday qualms. Currently I am having major shoulder pain because I carry the weight of the world on my left one... and it's started spreading to my right.

I know that a few days from now when my estrogen levels are back to normal and I have more control in hiding the crazy I'll be fine, but this past week I have had to be very cognitive of feeling depressed. I have to make sure I don't go to bed and lay awake for hours thinking about all the ways I can and have and will fail. I have to make sure that the stupid shit that causes me stress every day, such as loosing my wallet last week and still not having a debit or credit card available to me, don't knock me out.

Yesterday I wanted to make Tom and I dinner, because I love dinner and I like Tom. I also love cooking, I really wanted to do this. So, I go to the store and try to buy groceries... but guess what? They don't accept checks. And the bank was closed so I couldn't cash a check... So I felt like a piece of shit.

Also, I need a break. I've been going to school every week day then coming to work straight after for over a month now, skipping my lunch break and just eating discreetly at my desk when I can... I'm getting overwhelmed.

I think that is the first key to noticing when I am becoming depressed again... "overwhelming" is a far to overused word in my vocabulary.

Hope this is enough of an update. Have a nice weekend.

the apology, and why it mattered

2011-06-01T13:34:00.000-04:00

The last time we spoke I was having an awful week. Stress at work, accumulated with the fact that I'd decided I no longer needed my depression/anti-anxiety medication and hadn't taken it in over a week meant that I was feeling really weird, and unable to deal with it well.

I was very sad, despite the lack of any real trigger, I was super anxious about everything, and I had a bunch of homework I decided to get drunk and half do.

Last week I had a paper to write, which I did not write. It was the last assignment for a class that was only a month long, and because I didn't do it (and did really poorly on the two tests I took last Friday as well) I got a 76% in the class, which is just passing in the nursing program.

But I didn't care.

I still don't mostly because I know I can't change it, but the fact that I was insurmountably anxious and still had no real care about the paper (which only had to be two pages by the way, it would have probably taken me an hour) scared me.

One thing I may or may not have ever talked about is the amazing motivation my medicine gives me. Before I was taking it I was exhausted all the time from my year of insomnia, I was melancholy about everything, and I didn't really do anything because I just didn't care...

After a week of being off it I was almost back in the same mental state, and that scared me. Scares me. I don't want to be an unmotivated blob who cares so little about everything. I don't want to be sad all the time for no reason, and anxious just because I exist. I hated that. I still do, but after three horrible days in a row, Friday of last week being the final straw, I started taking my medicine again and within two hours I felt better.

I stopped because my doctor said I could if I was ready, she said that most patients take it for six to nine months, and since I was at the six month mark and felt like I could do without it, she said that was fine.

But it was not fine.

Obviously.

Which brings me to what Tom said, and why it hurt so much.

Tom has said this to me before, and every time it infuriates me to the point of almost writing him off as a waste of space, I'm not kidding. He says it at the worst possible times, and in doing so makes me feel like literal crap.

He says, "aww, are you going to cry now?"

It's mocking, it's condescending, and because he says it when I'm actually getting mad (or any other form of strong emotion) and am probably actually on the verge of tears, completely horrible in timing. I cry when I get angry, it sucks because people just think I'm hurt, but it's really just because I am so good at holding my feelings in (note: why I still need a therapist) that when something pushes me over the edge, my body takes full advantage of my lax guard and turns on the Bitch Tears. If I'm crying, 80% of the time it's because I'm really pissed off, and calling me out on it is usually enough to make it happen.

I hate crying, not because it makes me feel weak (it does, I can just accept that about myself) but because it gets in the way of getting my point across, it reminds everyone that I am a woman and sometimes unable to control my emotions, and those two things I do hate. When Tom mocks me by asking if I am about to cry, it's a direct hit to my mental stability.

I can take a lot of crap, it's something I know I shouldn't do but have always done, however, I cannot tolerate someone insulting my sanity.

So, I gave Tom a day, and I went over to his apartment under the pretense that he would apologise to me. And he did. And he knows that if it ever happens again I will leave him, because it's unacceptable. And he has been given reasons and chances and I am not going to tolerate that sort of treatment from someone who is planning on falling in love with me in the future.

Especially since I really like him, and his opinion means a whole freaking lot to me.

Thornton Wilder said that he who loves the least wins.

And I don't mind losing.

But I have lines, and if they are crossed I'm fully prepared to do what if right for me, even if it's walking away.

everyone is allotted a post like this every so often

2011-05-26T20:01:00.000-04:00

School is kicking my ass... and like every good college student I've decided to blog instead of do my homework.

Today has sucked. The computers were down at my work which caused more than my daily amount of stress, this bag-o-douche man kept me on the phone for 20 minutes after we closed to educate me on a law that not only doesn't apply to him or his situation, but also comes from a third party I'm positive had no business sharing. I hate when people are glad they could "teach me something today". Because my day is obviously filled with so many moments of non-learning I should be so dammed thankful for his help.

I hate chauvinists. I hate men who think they know everything. I hate people who belittle me or mock me or treat me as though I'm any less of a person based on my age or my gender or the fact that I'm their girlfriend and let them get away with far too much far too often.

Tom also royally screwed up tonight.

He is hurtful, and he is oblivious.

He also doesn't listen and doesn't take any responsibility for the words he says or how they make me feel.

I have too much work to do to keep wasting time blogging about how upset I am. Tomorrow is my last day this week, and it couldn't come soon enough.

blame it on the booze

2011-05-19T12:45:00.004-04:00

My little sister told me the other day I need to blog more... and because she is taller than I am and a little scary, I have to do what she says.

In light of recent events in my life that I haven't blogged about, I shall continue with the 30 days of truth, and I'll start with a few little stories.

1. I actually turned in a paper yesterday saying this:

It was a paper about budgeting and where my money goes, so it was okay that I wrote this (see why teachers love me? I keep them on their toes), but it's true. I waste money on drinking.

Alcohol: another big dollar waster. I am not going to stop drinking, that is silly; I am only twenty-two, but I need to not go out as much. Drinking-out is exponentially more expensive than drinking-in, and when you drink-in you do not risk you or anyone you love deciding to drive intoxicated. Drinking-in is smart and fiscally responsible. I will not be drinking out any time in the near future.

2. I got very drunk a few weeks ago and kept calling someone named Caleb, Kyle.

Yes it was because I couldn't get him off my mind, yes drinking makes me randy and being randy makes me think of him, yes, Caleb is Tom's friend which means every time I did it I got a look from him that was a mix of anger and being hurt. Not to mention that during this drunken evening I kissed Merry and made out with her ear and neck area, in front of everyone. Sometimes I just don't know about myself.

3. A few more weeks ago I went to a bar with Merry to celebrate her being-twenty-one-ness. Not so long into the evening I was unable to find her because a) I was drunk at this point even though I tried not to because I was driving home and b) she had found a gentleman suitor who major fancied her and had her up against a wall (don't worry, she liked it) and was making friends all over the place (and goo goo eyes at some cuties who were making goo goo eyes back.) I was also dancing with people I don't even remember their names, some guy tried to take me home, the bouncer (who I may or may not have previously made out with once or twice) kept taking my modesty bandanna (modesty: the bandanna covers my too much cleavage when I wear low cut shirts) and turning it around so that it was no longer helping me keep the girls under cover. I made out with some girls neck so she would give me a cigarette, then I made out with her ear so she'd give me a light... then I flirted with the bar tender and got free drinks for me and my smoking friend.

Needles to say, I'm a fucking class act when I drink, and while I am not entirely proud of all of these moments, they provide good blog material and even better stories to tell the next time I get drunk.

So, how do I feel about ~~drugs and~~ alcohol?

Alcohol is my friend. It makes me happy and lets me forget how to be normal. When I am uncomfortable (say, all those first dates I went on back in my match dot com days) a drink or three makes me even funnier than I already am and less nervous to talk to people. It also makes me warm, and coming from an Ohio girl, trust me, you can't put a price on being warm.

Alcohol also makes other people funnier, and society less tragic. I laugh so much when I drink, and since I've been drinking people don't know its at them. I love people when I drink, sober I just feel sad for them.

But I do not think that under age people should drink. That includes you little sister. I'm old enough and smart enough to know my limits, know when things could potentially get dangerous and therefore leave, and am not suffering from Misunderstood Youth Syndrome (that thing angsty teens have between 14 and 20ish where their parents are idiots and no one wants them to be happy or understands them) so I am not reckless when I drink for the sake of being reckless. I am legally allowed to drink, which also means that I run no risk of getting in trouble for having a drink in my hand (provided I am not walking down the middle of the street) and I know how to keep my legs closed and my shirt on, (and if I decided to not do those things, I'm fully aware of the consequences so I make damn sure there is a condom between me and whoever’s boy part I decide to play with for the evening).

I don't regret my decisions, I don't drive intoxicated, I am older and wiser, and that is why 16 year olds are not allowed to drink.

Booze are fun, in moderation and with intelligence, as long as the individual has a real horizontal drivers license.

how do you like the new header?

2011-05-11T13:18:00.000-04:00

Obviously I've done a lot today...

with the new header and all...

and class and stuff...

You know, the classes I'm taking right now aren't that hard. I have all my homework done for this week, and I had it done yesterday. I'm trying to get ahead though, so I still study. Getting ahead now prevents me from getting behind in the future.

Look at me, all philosophical and stuff.

Good news: Ellen is home. Finally, the heavens have opened up and allowed me to have my best friend back. Tom makes me happy. I spent a significant amount of time with his mother this weekend, and I think she likes me. Really, it's important to me that she likes me, his dad is whatever. I'm pretty sure his dad hates women, so I will just be normal around him, and if he likes me than we win, if he doesn't nothing changes.

Tom's mother is my new favorite person. She is a strong woman, and smart and funny and I love her. I say that with no hesitation. She loves her family, she knows that she is absolutely vital for the function of it and she doesn't take crap from Tom's dad (and he dishes it out, did I mention he may be a male chauvinist?) (My dad is too, but he loves us and that's all that matters to me).

Tom's mom is amazing; it makes perfect sense why I like her son. And, Tom's little sister is also wonderful. I don't know his brother too well, but from what I do know I like. I'm not saying anything more than the actual words on the ~~paper~~ screen, but I really like being with Tom and his family, and if I had to chose someone to be close to their family, Tom's is pretty boss.

David's family made me feel weird, I liked Dan and Alyssa, but his dad made my uncomfortable, and his mother... I can't describe it. I think she just always wanted to be her son's number one, she saw no room for me.

I think Tom's mother has come to the conclusion that since her son loves being in relationships so much (Tom is never single, like, ever) that he will eventually decide to be with someone... she doesn't see his girlfriends as a threat, she sees them as people who make her son happy, and therefore make her happy.

first day of school: down

2011-05-02T15:29:00.000-04:00

Today was my first day, I had one class that began at 10:30 and I was almost late because Tom drove my car yesterday and put my emergency break on, I never freaking use my emergency break, and it too me 6 minutes of trying to push it down before I realized you must pull it up a bit before you can push it down.

Sometimes I revel in my womanhood and am proud of my vagina, others... not so much.

So, about school, I wasn't late, just barely on time actually. I am lucky that I am anal-retentive when it comes to being on time places, because if I wasn't I would have been five minutes later, but I was freaking out hard in my car trying to get the break to turn off. Sometimes my life is just so embarrassing when I'm alone, I need to tell people about it.

I get there just on time to find that my first class is mega full, it's a computer class and there are only a few left open in the entire class. We talk about what we're going to learn, I'm pretty sure I already know everything, I made a few friends... and the day was over. We didn't really do anything, I am super tired because of how bored I was, and now I'm back at work blogging and waiting for five o'clock so I can see Thomas.

Tom got switched back to days and while I'm really happy about it, I was sort of looking forward to never having to worry about keeping him entertained during the week. Now that he and I will basically have the same schedule again, I'm worried that he'll be more of a temptation that I was prepared to deal with. We'll see, I just like him a lot.... it's hard to say no.

We went golfing yesterday for the first time, it was hard, but I think I'm getting better. My arms hurt so much though, golfing is not easy, I'll tell you that. Hopefully I get amazing and can beat him and then hold that over his head forever, or not. I'm not very competitive, it's what makes me so nice.

Hopefully tomorrow will me more entertaining, because I like to learn, and I like to be entertained.

Changes

2011-04-28T14:57:00.001-04:00

Woo Hoo!!! Look at me, I'm blogging again.

Weird, I know, but it had to be done.

The break, and the rebirth. Well, not rebirth exactly... more like a bunch of things in my life have been changing, are changing, and therefore shits about to get real.

I've read five books since we last spoke, I tested out of my math credit so I no longer have to take that class, I got lot's of hearts for the bf... all of which are real. I invented a pie recipe, and obviously by invented I mean reinvented because I just made it better, I am starting nursing school on MONDAY!!!

And, through all of that I had no inspiration to write, whatsoever.

And you know what? I ain't got no shame.

Oh, and coolest thing, I (and Merry) have been entered into a karaoke contest by a happy accident where the two of us decided to go singing one lowly Thursday night, and I have the potential to win five hundred dollars, which will all go to my gas tank because gas is up to $4.15 as of my lunch break today.

Fuck you Ohio, fuck you gas....

The sky's are blue, the wind is blowing, and I just cracked my back in about seven spots. Life is good, and I'm not even nervous about starting school, because my schedule is easy and I have lots of study time every day.

Also, summer is almost here, which means lazy days by the pool reading about whatever I can get my hands on.

Hunger Games side note: Oh my gawd, you must read these books as soon as humanly possible. Seriously, it changed me. But be prepared to not know what to do with your life the minute you're done, I'm still wandering around aimlessly bumping into walls.

I'm trying to get a serving job so I can bring in the dollah dollah bills, but right now everyone and their mother are also trying to get a job, so just keep your fingers crossed and hope one of these places calls me back.

I learned how to use liquid eyeliner, and any woman can attest, that stuff is hard to use. But, Merry is an excellent teacher, and I look as cat-eye-tastic as any one girl can look and it's hot (just don't ask Tom, he doesn't like it).

I bought a bandanna for my neck and have decided it's now part of my look. I hate having a naked neck sometimes, and my boobs are just too large to not be a major distraction, but wearing a scarf is too hot... cut to: hanker chief! It solves the over boobalicious problem, keeps my neck warm but not sweaty (yumm) and it makes my head look good by not accentuating the fact that it's smaller than each of my boobs, individually.

I've written eleventy billion essays for scholarships, and I'm hoping that if I can't get a proper job, I'll get a scholarship, because, you know, gas is $4.15 a gallon, and I don't see it being less within my lifetime.

Remind me to sell my children for gas money when the time comes around.

I hope that you can forgive me for my absence, I think that my back-in-school blogging will prove to be as hilarious as it is educational, and for the time being, enjoy the sun and good smelling air. I love the smell of outside, yes I surely do.

Oh, and to send you off right, here is a photo of my nephew I took with my cellular. Doesn't he just melt your heart?

a spatula bigger than your mom

2011-04-07T09:23:00.002-04:00

Have you ever written an essay for a scholarship application to then realize you don't qualify? I read two words: food and blog, I figured since I blog and I am a whore for food I obviously qualified for this scholarship... low and behold I missed the "college hosted" in front of the word "blog" and now have no one to share my funny story with.

But wait! You still exist, my little bloggy readers, so I will share with you.

The essay I will never be able to submit:

American. Pie. American Pie. Pie holds a warm place in Americas hearts be it a sweet apple pie filled to the brim and oozing all over the plate before anyone can even take the first bite, a tart cranberry pie with a cobbler like topping and hardened sugar on top of that making every bite melt in your mouth, or a secret family recipe that is so easy a four year old could make it. In fact, a four year old did make it, and I was that four year old. I won’t get into the specifics, but imagine chocolate mousse, melted peanut butter, a graham cracker crust, and enough whipped topping to support a small girls fancy for at least an hour (provided she’s mighty distracted, I don’t mess around when it comes to whipped topping, I mean she, she doesn’t mess around). It was easy, it was served cold, and it is one of the best pies I’ve ever had.

One day, little four year old me was making the pie; I was short enough I needed to kneel an a kitchen chair to reach the pie and while being covered in melted peanut butter was the obvious highlight of my day, filling the pie with mousse was quickly to become a close second. However, being four years old presented me with a unique set of challenges: the bowl of mousse was larger than my wing span, the spatula was the length of my forearm, and the desire to stick my tongue on and into everything that came within twelve inches of my face made it improbable I would successfully transfer the mousse from bowl to the freshly peanut buttered crust. But, for Pete’s sake, that wasn’t going to stop me from trying. On my own, I might add; I am a very capable four year old, I’m sure of it.

I grab the bowl, suspiciously light for its size, and the spatula then somehow maneuver it to relatively the same vicinity as the pie crust begging to be filled. I begin to tip it, all is going well; the filling starts to flow out with gravity as its aid (not that I’m thinking about gravity, all I know at this moment is pie) and I help a little with the spatula but mostly with my hands to get as much as I can into the crust. I’m doing it, I’m succeeding! More than half of the mousse has miraculously made it into the pie and I only have a little more to go before I finish off with the whipped topping. But, what’s this? The bowl keeps tipping, well past where I need it to be to get my hands into it to direct the still cascading mousse into my perfect beautiful pie. I can’t really stop it from tipping; in fact, it’s slipping out of my pudding covered hands. It’s out of my control! It’s on the floor; so is the pie. How did this happen? I was doing so well, where did I go wrong? I start to cry, as much out of frustration for my failure as for my loss of the glory at a future pie. My mother walks into the room, and there I am, covered in chocolate mousse, peanut butter, and tears. She sees that pie and mousse under the table, face down as according to all laws of physics and she laughs! She laughs at me and my pie, so I hop down and grab a piece of the broken peanut butter crust and thrust it into my mouth, all while completely ignoring her ploys for me to “Stop Denise!”

We all have dropped things while in the process of making something we’re very excited about, I dropped an egg down the counter and onto the floor a few weeks ago while trying to make a cheese sauce, I’ve dropped an entire gallon of milk breaking it and covering myself and the kitchen. Sometimes it’s easy to just get too distracted from what will possibly be the best meal ever prepared to pay attention to something at trivial as what we’re doing. And that’s okay; you can always buy more milk.

from here to there

2011-04-06T12:16:00.003-04:00

I just read my blogs from a year ago, and they were surprisingly not as annoying as I expected them to be.

This month a year ago I was celebrating my one year with David, a land mark I'd never made it to before in a relationship. I was starting to enjoy cooking (weird, really really weird, I used to loathe it, so hard! that I wouldn't even help with holiday dinners unless someone held a gun (or pointy object) to my head, now I'm such a whore for cooking I drop my panties at the first sight of a recipe I know I can master) (sorry for that visual). I was lying to myself about my depression and not talking to any of my friends and ignoring all my problems... and I was on the verge of the hardest break-up I've ever had to endure.

But here I am, a year later, and after six months of therapy I finally have a firm grasp on what I want out of life, a plan on how to get there, and enough motivation to cover two pieces of toast.

Does comparing my motivation to butter make me sound like a fat kid, or what?

I no longer don't sleep at night, in fact I sleep and dream every single night, without fail (as long as I take my medicine). I don't have anxiety attacks that make no sense to even me. I don't dread waking up in the morning as much as laying down to sleep each night. I don't hate myself, and cry all the time.

I'm better, mostly, and I'm fucking grateful.

In less than a month I'll be in school. I've been looking at apartments... I've been reading up a storm so that I will be caught up before it is stolen from we by book learning taking precedence. I've been drinking, enjoying time with the people I love, drinking, and watching tv... mostly because when I'm studying my booty (hole) off, those things won't really fit into my life.

And I'm so excited!

A year ago I would have never believed I'd be where I am now, what a difference a year has made.

being alone

2011-04-01T15:05:00.001-04:00

You know that feeling, when you wake up early on a Saturday morning with nothing to do and no where to go. That, "I could get up, but I don't have to... in fact, I don't have to do anything," feeling?

I love that feeling.

I live for that moment of nothingness where I can just be with no interruptions or agendas. I love being able to roll back over, shut my eyes, and keep dreaming.

In NYC I got to spend a significant time alone, and in my therapy session a few days ago, when my therapist asked me about my trip, I gloated over that time I had to just relax. My mind and body were at ease because 1) I couldn't leave her apartment or I would be locked out, and 2) I didn't want to anyways. I slept, watched TV, made grilled cheese, read, skyped, drank milk, (one of my favorite alone activities, ask Ellen or Merry if you don't know why it should be done alone) and did nothing.

I did a significant amount of nothing, with no interruptions or babies crying, without feeling always stressful because my mother just is around me.

Have you ever known anyone who you just automatically become stressed in their presence? Not in a good way either? A teacher you didn't get along well with, a bully, someone who was trying to gank yo boyfriend? Having her in the house makes my nerves stand on end...

Doing nothing is where it's at.

My father has been on vacation since Sunday and I've been sleeping at his house. It's amazing how hard I have been sleeping this week. I have been dreaming my freaky weird dreams per usual, but I don't wake up at 5:30 every morning because of a crying baby, I wake up to pee only. And I walk there with no pants and no bra on, because I can.

I had friends over the other night and made excellent foods, and I didn't do the dishes, and I still haven't done them.

Because I can.

I watch what I want on the TV as loudly as I like.

Because. I. Can.

Craigslist, while a great place to waste time looking at cute puppies, is also a great place to find creepy roommates and crappy apartments to live in. I want to not do the roommate thing, but I also don't want to ruin my life by taking out enough student loans to pay for said apartment of alone blissfulness...

But I know for a fact that I cannot live with my mother and be in school (which is in one month, by the way!!!). I can't come home after a stressful day of trying to learn how to be a nurse twice as fast as the regular people and have her aura of pure annoyance flitting about the house. I can't be woken up in the middle of the night because that's when she thinks it's okay to do the dishes, or the laundry, or just make fucking noise doing whatever the hell it is she does at two in the morning.

breathe

dum-ah dum-ah dum-ah

Have you heard of the Brown Derbies? I love a capella boy groups.

So, Craigslist... I have found this 1 bedroom that allows you to have cats with a garage (important, remember, I live in OHIO) and it's only $450 a month plus gas and electric, which the landlord says cumulatively is less than $20 each month... it doesn't have AC though, and I am whiney when I get sweaty. But I would have a room, and a living room, a kitchen type area, and bathroom all to myself!

In order to not go broke, I've been applying for scholarships like a mad woman, hence why blogging hasn't really been happening. You can only rite so many essays on why you deserve scholarships and what America means to me before you get tired of writing altogether and blogging is the last thing that sounds fun. I am very sorry if you missed me, which I am sure you did because I missed you, but I will be back in full force as soon as I can think of anything more exciting to write about than my new hair cut (totally cute by the way, the back is stacked, I have mini bangs, and I am basically teasing the shit out of it so it's big and beautiful (like your mother)).

Oh, in case you're curious about my love life (which hasn't involved the horizontal shuffle for a few weeks now because we have issues (am I too young to be having these sort of issues in a relationship?) just know that I'm back on the saddle and plan on riding the horse as often as the horse will let me...

Cleaner subject matter: Tom and I are smitten as shit with each other and it's equal parts gross and adorable. We have weekly events such as wing night, we snuggle (not all my doing, he likes to cuddle too), we cook together and for each other, we spend time together just doing whatever, because we like being around the other.

Isn't that amazing!??!!?

I like him, far more than I expected, and I am happy with him. That's really all I could ask for at this point, and since he is pretty boss when it comes to life plans and grown up stuff like that, he sort of works in all the other areas of relationship quota I've decided to ignore for the time being. Tom is special, and I really like him.

giving him a complex

2011-03-24T11:18:00.000-04:00

So, apparently there is this thing... called a relationship. And once you decide (willingly, I might add) to become a part of one, stuff changes.

You're not allowed to get fantastically, stupidly drunk and make out with whomever is in a five foot radius of you. In fact, you're not supposed to want to unless it's only your significant other in that radius.

You're not supposed to be friends with your ex's, even if you've been friends for ~~almost~~ longer than you dated.

When you come back from trips, you're supposed to make alone time with the person you're seeing before you make any time for your friends. And, including friends in that special time is also a no no, apparently.

I'm not good at dating, I'm great at being single.

I am amazing at it in fact.

Dating is work, with another person, who you don't know what they are thinking and who sometimes have different opinions than you. It's compromise after compromise, and you're supposed to want to do it. You're supposed to value the other person's happiness over (or at least close to) how much you value your own...

But why?

Why should his happiness be more important than my own?

Isn't happiness something you yourself are the only one who can control? Shouldn't you and only you make that a reality?

If you're relying on another (or in reverse, trying to make the other happy) won't it just not work?

You can be happy with someone, they can contribute to your overall quality of life; there is no way anyone but yourself can make you happy.

And, being "that girl" who strives to please the person she is with will just make her feel insignificant, unaccomplished, and as though she'll never be good enough, or funny enough, or whatever enough...

But, she should never feel that way; her happiness is her own responsibility just as the others happiness is their own.

However, even I make mistakes. I don't call when I should, and I don't make plans properly because I want to see everyone and not just him. I don't think that if the other person isn't happy it's my fault...

... because it isn't, really.

Is it?
If they aren't happy with something I've said or the way that I act, it's not my fault if they don't bring it to my attention, right? And therefore, unknowingly proceeding with my life in the same way I did before shouldn't make you upset with me, it should make you upset with you, for not speaking our mind and notifying me of your feelings.

I'm not a mind reader. I don't expect that of you, so how can you expect that of me?

And, most importantly, if you're relying on me for your happiness, you're doing it wrong. I can help; I can be enjoyable company or a great listener, I can hold your hand as you fall asleep and kiss you in the morning, I can make you a surprise or bring you some sort of gift... but that won't make you happy. And I don't want to be held responsible for that sort of thing.

That's not what men want to hear though, is it?

They want to make you happy and they want you to make them happy. They want to look into your eyes and trust you, just because. They want to know that they are your first priority...

But that's just not how I work.

I'm my first priority. I need to be.

My happiness, my future, my everything comes first. If I'm not happy, I know that you can't change that. So why should I be concerned with something I can't change (your happiness) when I am fully capable of changing something of my own?

Does that make sense?

Maybe I am just too good at being single.

Maybe I just don't have room in my priority list for anyone else.

Maybe I don't care enough...

the city is THE city...

2011-03-22T13:01:00.012-04:00

New York was surprisingly one of the most relaxing vacations I've ever had, and that's saying something because last year I went to the beach and spent the majority of my time drunk. However, last year I had just broken up with David and the predominantly drunk thing made me despondent and emotional.

Going by myself turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

On Friday and Saturday I stayed in Adrienne's apartment while she worked/went apartment hunting (I was going to join them for that but the hang over was so intense I slept till four in the afternoon (evening...?) and didn't even care) and rested, watched TV, made grilled cheese, skyped with Tom, enjoyed being alone.

I didn't anticipate how refreshing it would be to do whatever I wanted, when I wanted, and not have a crying baby, and intrusive mother, a sister who is always expecting things from me... so so nice.

Not to mention much girl talk was had. Adrienne is one of the greatest friends I've ever known, and I am glad I got to offer her my womanly opinions on things like good blow jobs, dating from the Internet (and how more than one guy is totally acceptable), how to make french fries, and other girl centered things like hair and clothes and getting our ears pierced again and potentially our next tattoos. We went to a bar that the main form of entertainment besides wildly over priced drinks ($3 for a diet coke (I was done drinking at this point because of the 26+ hour hang over I was experiencing and ka-razy bad heartburn) was a piano player who played show tunes and everyone in the bar sang them. And I do mean everyone. Obviously it was 'mo central, but there were old people, young people, the annoying NYU "I'm an amazing singer who just happens to not be performing right now for one reason or another" types, and then me and Adrienne who love show tunes but don't know them all. It was heaven. I want to start one of those here but I know it wouldn't work.

I sang karaoke at a bar with zebra print couches and odd disco lighting in Christmas colors; that was an experience. I figured that karaoke in NYC would have a better quality of singers than that of lil ol' Stow Ohio, but it didn't. They were just as bad. And, because I'm a lush the tab for the two of us there was over $75... I don't want to talk about it.

I got to see this amazing free improve show with real famous people in it. Do you watch 30 Rock? Lutz and Blonde girl... I saw them for real and in person and it was the best thing ever. We waited in line in the relatively cold evening air for about an hour and a half, got our free tickets, went to a bar (totally empty too, that's what happens on a Sunday night I guess) and flirted with the bar tender who gave us a total of three beers and four shots for $18... that's exactly why wearing low cut shirts and having a great personality will get you pretty much anything you want in life... including free booze which probably shouldn't be so high on my priority list, but whatever.

After the show I bought pop tarts and I think that giving people them as a souvenir will be funny.

My camera is either broken or all the batteries I brought for it were dead... both are a possibility because I didn't buy the batteries so I'm not sure. Basically, the photos I have are crappy because I couldn't take any in the dark (and when you sleep till 4 most of your time spent doing interesting things is in the dark (hey-o!)) and I couldn't get anything better than crap so I stopped trying after one minute.

Patient, I know. I deserve an award or something.

You can't really tell but in the last two the skyline is in the background. Besides the smell and the fact that the water tastes bad and strange people talk to you when you make eye contact with them, everything was absolutely perfect. I had Chinese food delivered and it was hands down the best General Tso's chicken ever. It was only made better by it's arrival via. delivery guy on a bike. The flavors were perfect and you could actually taste the butter (pretty American, but still, perfection). The pizza we had delivered was also from the Lord. The sauce... oh my, the sauce. I'll never be able to recreate that, but that won't stop me from trying. I had the best sushi as well, and I don't really complain about any sushi but there was this salmon, perfectly spiced, with mango... I don't think I've ever been as excited to eat something in my entire life.

I ordered a pomegranate martini in the sushi restaurant and was disappointed when it didn't taste like the POM Sake Martini from Ruby Tuesdays, but like I said before, I'll just have to go back and ask them how it's made. I did grow a pair and drink a few beers, and by a few I mean probably five or six over the weekend. Guinness, Sam Adams, some special New York Boston type brew, I am now a man with chest hair and a sack and everything.

You're welcome for that visual.

The men in New York far surpass all the men anywhere else ever. Their clothes, their faces, the way they walk... all make me swoon to the point of missing steps and almost running into things.

Oh, hahaha, I did actually fall down the step (note: one) into a guy. I opened a door inside a building and there was a step I didn't expect to be there. he caught me, I pretended I wasn't mentally handicapped, and moved on. Too bad he wasn't as cute as some of the others.

The black men mostly were such good eye candy (whiteys too, but I'm not a big fan of the hipster look and it falls so short in comparison to tall, very dark business man in a shirt and tie). It must be the bad tasting water that makes them look so suave.

New York is beautiful in a completely different way than the things I missed about home (birds chirping in the morning, the smell of grass and trees, good tasting water from the tap). I love that driving is really not an issue. I love that there are always things to do within walking distance and most other people are walking too. I love that everything delivers (did I mention that liquor stores do too? We didn't have it delivered, but it was an option). I love that the food was so much better. I love that pretty much no one has children there and everyone has a dog. I got some good face time with a few of them and they are all nice and used to people because they're surrounded. I love that everything is fast, but you don't have to be.

You can sit in corners and eat or read and no one will bother you, your food comes much faster at places to eat even if they are packed, you can pretend to be deaf or French or just tell people to Fuck off if they are annoying you. Designated drivers are not necessary. You don't have to dress a certain way or look a certain way because literally no one cares about you (this could be construed as positive or negative) there are coffee shoppes everywhere. There are places to get hot, fresh waffles on the street corners. Dan Radcliff was in the city at the same time, although I never saw him, knowing he was so close was warmth to my little heart.

I met Italians (very rude actually, I could have punched them) and an English girl (she took us to our table once) and a boy who made fun of suburban kids and said we hang out in the woods all the time (which is only half true). I got oggled by construction workers and judged by gay men. I called people idiots for stopping in the middle of the side walk and felt like I could really belong there if I wanted to...

Then I went home. On the way I saw the rolling foot hills in Pennsylvania and llama farms that made me appreciate my rural(esque) living. I imagined owning the silos and having the cows for my own (I want to be the pioneer woman for reasons other than being the owner of a mega famous blog). I smelled the fresh (thank God) air and didn't see garbage littering all the streets for the fun of it. I got to enjoy all the things I love about not living in the city.

I know why I love Ohio, and I know why I love New York, and albeit for completely different reasons, I don't think justifying any of it is necessary. I talked to a man today who said NYC wasn't a vacation, that Colorado and hiking and white water rafting were vacations, but I don't care (look, I've got the New York-er mindset already) if he doesn't agree with me. I loved it, I loved seeing my girl friend, I loved spending less than two hundred bucks for five days away from home, I loved getting to go out and see things and meet people. White water rafting is fun, I've done it. Hiking is also fun, but the city is THE city, and I love it just how and where it is.

NYC in two days!

2011-03-15T11:59:00.000-04:00

I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I have been trying to do things for myself before I head back to school, little things I won’t be able to do while I’m in school for lack of time, money, whatever. I've boon cooking things that take quite a bit of time, I've been reading hard core, and I planned a trip to New Yoke City, which I'll be arriving on St. Patrick’s day and getting my drink on (so hard).

I'm in dire need of a break from my life right now and while being in the city probably isn't going to help me relax like say, a beach might, it won't be filled with spring breakers and I'll be surrounded with people who are as anxiety filled as myself, which will mean I won't be laying there trying to relax, it means I'll be able to embrace my inner crazy and not stick out like a sore thumb. Also, being alone in New York (Adrienne will be there, but I am not taking anyone else) is a lot better than anywhere else because there's shit to do and you can do whatever you want. I want to do so much.

I don't want to lay drunk on a beach for however many days, because I don't think I could properly relax; I think I would be miserable if I was trying to do nothing. I need to do something to take my mind off my mind. Like see a musical, and get so drunk I forget my own name.

The bus ride there and the bus ride back will be an adventure; I'm sure of it. Mostly because I've decided that I will take a sleeping pill, and in doing so I will insure that I don't have to pay attention to how anxious I am thinking that the bus won't end up in New York (chuck that on top of the irrational anxieties pile), although I took one last night and decided to read while trying to sleep, and since the Dresden files are so full of thrilling battles and immensely thrilling moments, it didn't help me sleep at all... so I had to stop reading and I'm not sure if I'll be able to fall asleep if everything is super hyped up. I mean, we are going to New York City; it's kind of a big deal.

..............................................................

My mother needs to go. Now. Yesterday. Three months ago.

I sight with her almost every day, and it's absolutely horrific. I can't stand it, it needs to stop, and she needs to grow up and get the fuck out. Really, living with your daughters, causing me more stress than I already have, and doing so for the sole purpose of avoiding your marital issues is the worst example of good parenting I've ever witnessed from my mother.

Well, other than the time she threatened to put me up for adoption for being such a horrible child... and then when I told her they'd take all of us she didn't like that so she handed me the phone and the phone book and told me to call them right now. I joke that scare tactics are good for teaching, but they really aren't.

................................................................

Aren't mini posts fun?

................................................................

I met Tom's entire family this weekend, and his birthday was yesterday. His family likes me, but my anxiety basically made me think they were going to tar and feather me. I love his little sister, she's amazing. She writes Harry Potter fan fiction, and if that doesn't tell you how perfectly geeky she is I don't know what will. She also wants me to help her sing. So much love.

I had a Guinness, and I drank the whole thing which anyone who has ever been out with me will attest to, I pretend to like beer, order it, then give it away because I really do not like beer. But, when you're in a room full of men and they are related to the guy you fancy on multiple levels, you take the Guinness, say you like it, then drink it like you've had one every day of your life since you were eight.

Also, ice cream cake! I love DQ cake, its perfection.

Tom's family events are officially way more fun than my own, and it may have been because my mother wasn't there and I wasn't steaming and resenting her and trying to leave as soon as possible without seeming rude. But, seriously: I had a blast and I am pretty sure they like me.

...............................................................

I have a huge hunger for either Fiesta Lime Chicken or something similarly cheesy and crunchy. Sometimes I worry about my cravings; if I didn’t know better I’d think I was knocked up. I am seriously concerned about what I’ll actually be like if I ever do decide to get pregnant. Normally I end up eating things like potato chips in icing (please don’t judge me) or other ridiculously salty thinks with ridiculously sweet things (bacon in maple syrup, which you must admit is a bit more normal). Other times (like the last two weeks) all I’ve wanted was pizza slash tomatoes slash something that would taste like pizza and or tomatoes. For breakfast on Sunday I made tomato soup and grilled cheese… this was at about 8 in the morning (7 if you’ll remember the time sprung forward) and it was the most amazing breakfast I’ve had in a while.

……………………………………………

Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow after my therapy appointment. I haven’t had one in two weeks and I am thinking I may need to go back to weekly… I have so much that is on my plate right now and not having a home environment where I can relax is making my life miserable. I will post once I’m back from New York and I promise to have photos and everything. Have a good week loves.

so much pent up stress

2011-03-12T11:12:00.001-05:00

Last night I turned into a crazy person.

(Sorry Tom, seriously. You're wonderful and I'm so sorry)

I don't want to tell you exactly what set me off but after I was upset, the flood gates opened (literally, I cried for probably an hour and a half straight) and I didn't know what was wrong (and by didn't know I mean couldn't pin point one thing, everything was wrong).

I'm nervous about school. I'm nervous about money: if I'll have time to work, how I'll afford anything if I don't work, will my school work suffer if I am working... I have a savings, but it's not enough to get me through the next two years.

And, great for me, the hospital where I take my therapy that writes off my sessions because I have no health insurance till I'm a full time student again hasn't been doing it properly. In the past month I've gotten two bills from collection agencies. Even if it's a mistake, it's terrible for my credit to have delinquent bills... Have I told you I hate money yet?

I'm nervous about going to New York alone. I'm leaving next week and David was supposed to go with me but he bailed like a little bitch because he "doesn't have the money". He and I have been planning for two months, if he really had wanted to go he would have the money. End of story.

Ellen is still in Geneva.

My mother won't fucking leave* although I tell her at least once a week she makes me want to club baby seals (which is not all the way true, I would never, but she does make me want to kill things).

*this is seriously my main issue; if she would leave it would give me the space I would need to deal with all the other little things that are bothersome. My mother has no respect for me, my opinions aren't valid, and my needs are secondary to her own. Nothing I say holds any clout (this is also my older sister). They are messy, my mother in particular. I want to stab myself in the face thinking about how much shit is everywhere. The groceries get left on the table for days, my sister still hasn't brought the trash cans up from the curb, trash night is Monday, my mother thinks that bringing up laundry in garbage bags and leaving them all over the house is acceptable... please, kill me....

Tom and I fight all the time (now, this is just me, I'm so fucking stressed about everything else I end up acting like an idiot). This was fixed last night, I apologized to Tom, and told him we're never fighting again. Because we won't.

I miss Kyle every single day. I know I made the right decision getting him out of my life, but goddammit it's hard.

I've stopped working out because going alone is really hard and Merry doesn't want to do it anymore and going with my mother is not an option... That is doubly bad for me because I am no longer losing weight, I am not getting the endorphins that were making everything better, and I am not losing weight! I need to, for my self esteem and for my health. And because I promised Ellen I would look smokin' by the time she gets back, which is in less than two months.

Basically my life is about to take a huge turn and I am not ready... I am totally ready to go back to school, that's not what I'm not ready for; I'm not ready to be an adult who is in school. An adult with a car payment and bills and gas at a million dollars a gallon, and a mother who still won't effing go home.

I ran out of allergy medicine this morning and I don't want to buy more, that shit is expensive. I ran out of another medicine too last night (not telling what, but it has to do with the fact that despite my lactose intolerance I still eat dairy, often) and that too is expensive.

I need new glasses before I go back to school, I really should buy new contacts too because mine are drying my eyeballs out like whoa.

I need a hair cut because I royally messed up my bangs trying to cut the in haste one morning (completely wrong angle, they looked so screwy) and on top of all that Tom's family birthday party is tonight and I have to meet even more of his family.

I broke the touch screen on my phone last night by dropping it not very far. I even had a screen protector on it. It's not necessary to use the touch part, but when it comes to texting I now will just never have a capital letter because that was easier on the screen, not that anyone cares.

Also, what will become of my blog when I no longer have a job that requires so little of me? I want to keep this up, I love blogging, I love reading about you people and the lives you lead. Is it pathetic I worry about that? My blog is my child, my little, slightly inappropriate, sometimes potty mouthed, randomly profound child who I love so so dearly. I don't want it to die, I want it to live forever.

And, for no reason that makes any sense to anyone, my ovaries have started telling me it's time to get knocked up. they want a husband and a baby so bad. All I think about is being a mom and a wife and all that gross stuff that pisses me off. I hate dwelling over the idea of someday rearing possibly ADHD children into perfection while I am always pregnant and cooking and that seems amazing to me. Can anyone get the crazy out of me? Can anyone take my hormones and destroy them by any means necessary? Oh, and while you're at it my laundry needs done. And I pulled hooks off my wall last night while I was drunk. Fixing that too would make-a me very happy. *smiley face*

I hope there aren't eleventy billion typos in this because I don't really feel like rereading it and I've already found like 40 (yes, I just wrote "like" as the valley girl that I truly am). Slop, that's what we're proud of here on Denise's blog of pure literary brilliance. Slop and the F-word.

I just found the most spectacular man smell

2011-03-11T11:45:00.000-05:00

While perusing a magazine, because I'm so damn productive sometimes and those Macy's boys do something for me, two perfume sample papers fell out.

One was a Paris Hilton one, I threw that away, it smelled like a child's splash that would come with a Barbi doll.

The other... the other, oh my word, it's from heaven. I've been smelling it every few minutes or so when it wears off my scarf, which I accidentally rubbed it on but it works because it's right by my face and I am (almost) aroused by the smell alone.

It's like a dream. I can envision my future husband smelling like this... I adore it.

I may have just ordered some from Amazon... not for anyone in particular (although, giving it to Tom might make me fall in love with him and his birthday is coming up... ). If you get the chance to go sniffing and find this, smell it. You'll be in love so hard.

god, or God? ...or OH God... or whatever

2011-03-09T10:20:00.002-05:00

Since yesterday I accidentally talked about politics when I didn't even realize it was the next topic in my thirty days of truth, I will instead choose to talk about religion.

I'm Lutheran, and I love it. I went to private school for 9 years as a youngster (K-8th) and I really wouldn't change that for the world.

Not only did I get a great education because of the small class sizes (and I do mean small, my graduating 8th grade class had only 17 kids in it), but I also got to grow up in a safe environment where the teachers really cared, everyone knew each other, and a girl with big boobs could still play sports even if they interfered sometimes.

During a volley ball tournament my 8th grade year I had the opportunity to bump the ball... because my aim was slightly off, instead of hitting my outstretched arms it hit my boobs. And instead of going anywhere it sort of flopped, losing all its momentum, and fell to the ground with a thud. Everyone laughed... I obviously felt awesome about myself and was monumentally particular every time thereafter as to make sure the ball hit my arms, and not my boobs.

In private school, be it Catholic, Lutheran, or Nondenominational, you still have religion class every single day (except Wednesdays, but at that point you have Chapel, which the whole school attends and you don't have to do homework (yes, I had religion homework)). You also had a memory verse each week. We were also monitored on how often we went to church, that too was a part of our grade. Basically, I know my Bible.

But what do I think of religions that don't follow conventional New King James or the like versions of the Written Word? How do I feel about religions that don't allow you to eat meat on Fridays, or, more horrifically: bacon. Ever.

As far as never eating bacon ever goes, in my mind that in itself is a sin. Bacon helps me see God, therefore I think it in itself is a holy symbol.

What do I think of religions where the ladies don't cut their hair and only wear skirts, or where you can't read Harry Potter books?

Basically I think religion as an idea is an excellent. As a practice, if left to define your every day morality (which, thanks to radiolab we know that morality has little to nothing to do with religion whatsoever) and how we treat and love others it's also a great thing. But, when organized religion leads people to hate and cast judgement and have a "holier than thou" attitude toward those who believe anything differently I am not impressed.

In fact I'm appalled.

Take my parents for example. My mother (the republican) and my father (the democrat) have been divorced for about 17 years.

My mother insists on going to church every Sunday, she does daily bible studies, tells me to pray ever time I try to discuss a problem with her and seriously, I kid you not, watches the yelling religious type shows with my nephew, and the pathetic "God has changed my heart, I'm alive today because of him" shows on a far too regular basis. But, when it comes to her current marriage she is a total bitch. She treats my step dad like crap and blames every single problem they have on him. She won't face her problems and is still living with me despite how much stress she causes me knowingly. Instead of trying to make her life any better, she looks to God, inactively. My mother is very unhappy.

No one (not even God) can help you if you're not doing anything. Ignoring your problems will get you nowhere; trust me, I know.

My dad goes to church on Saturdays so he can golf Sunday mornings. He tries to get my little sister to go with him, sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. Either way he is happy to go, enjoy the company of his church friends, worship, sing, give offering, and take communion all while keeping his feet and head on the ground. He loves and believes in God, but he understands that hatred and judging anyone for anything isn't his place or responsibility. My dad is a happy man.

see how fun I can be?

Looking at religion as an obligation isn't how God intended it to be. In his Word (I'm going by Christianity here because it's what I know best) he talks about peace, love, and leaving certain things up to Him. We are to worship him, but that doesn't mean just in showing up and going through the motions, it means living as though your presence matters, your actions affect those around you, and making every decision you ever make based on the golden rule: Love. It means that when your heart is in the right place the rest will follow. You're existence will be a testament, not your fake words and your ability to take scripture out of context.

I see religion as a guide line for how to best show love. If you're showing love you're showing God. Judgement isn't love. Blaming others and having no responsibility of your own isn't showing love. Hating, mocking, belittling, thinking you're somehow more important than another person... none of that is love. None of that is God.

And that's why I see no reason to attend church with my mother, or any other person who views religion as she does.

la la la love is in the air! and my life is pretty good.

2011-03-08T12:39:00.000-05:00

I know that as soon as I publish this post, something crappy will happen, but for now I don't care.

Basically things are pretty awesome.

I got into nursing school! How rad is that? I knew I was going to get in; I was 98.99% sure, but there was that itty bitty part of me that was still nervous (and, thank you Celexa for making that nervousness bearable) so I tried not to talk about it. But, now that I've gotten in, I can sing it from the roof tops.

I'm going to be a nurse by this time 2013, and I am going to make good money, have a good job, and be able to live somewhere that doesn't involve a crying baby or my mother who still won't leave. If you get sick you can ask me stuff and (although I usually can nurse my friends back to health properly) I will be able to heal you, like for real.

The most important thing I'm looking for with this is to have a job that makes me feel good about myself. I want to wake up every day and know I am having a positive effect on the world, and that I help people. People need helped; I want to be the one helping them.

Kyle and I are through, officially. Friday I sent him a text with all the reasons why I couldn't be his friend or really have him in my life at all. He agreed with all my reasons, he said he was really sorry he couldn't be the person I knew he could be if he just tried, and he wished me well.

I still think about him a lot, and I have had a few moments where I really wanted to text him and tell him something, but his number is out of my phone. I'm proud of myself for making this decision. I am proud to know that while i may have had love like feelings for someone, I was able to keep my head about things and see what was bad for me. Then, I was also able to cut it out of my life, because I am stronger than my emotions.

Ellen says that it made sense that I still ~~loved~~ really liked him (despite my feelings for Tom); we had so much "clicky-ness" that being with him was one of the easiest things I'd ever done.

I'm proud of myself for letting him go though, because Tom is a great guy, and letting my heart do what I want it to do makes everything easier, even if Tom takes a bit more work than Kyle.

I met Tom's parents over the weekend, and his little sister and brother. I am pretty sure they liked me, except Tom told them I am a democrat and I don't think they were too happy about that; the room got all tense and quiet. It seemed like they were looking to start a debate with me, for me to prove to them why I was a democrat so they could all gang up on me and smash me down.

Because I hate fighting more than anything and am a master of humor, I made light of the situation, told a joke, and made the conversation move on in a totally different direction. I will never talk to them about politics, ever. Just like I try to avoid that conversation with Tom as much as I can.

No person is perfect, and since governing bodies are run by humans I do not expect radical changes instantly or really ever. The system takes time to find balance, and since republicans did such a botched job when GB was in office, I think that giving the democrats a chance to figure out a new plan rather than bashing every minute decision any of them make is a good idea. Human nature is what's wrong with this country (and any governing body for that matter), not democrats or republicans.

I will be honest with you all: if it could work, I'd be happy to live in a communist society. However, read any book from my 10 Honors English class and you'll learn that no matter how perfect the idea, we as humans cannot execute it properly because power and money corrupt, which is why I am a democrat; I would like the government to take control of the shit we keep messing up (insurance, health care, failing economies. Because a lot of people forget that this is no longer the industrial revolution; it's the age of information, and therefore make stupid decisions based on that forgetting... ) and give us the rights republicans won't give us or try to take away (legal abortions, gay marriage, and sadly, more recently the crap with planned parenthood).

Yes, printing money is beyond stupid and we are going to see the negative effects of that very soon, yes people shouldn't have voted for a president based on the fact that they both have dark skin, yes, the health care bill was such a joke no one should have even thought it was a plausible (or possible) solution to the problems we face with insurance companies (slash big drug companies) concerning fair pricing and who can or can't afford decent coverage, but I think that in order to find the right solution you're more likely than not to mess up a few times, and that with issues as big as we're facing, I doubt any one thing would fix it.

America has been the world power that it is for a really long time, even Rome fell... nothing lasts forever and accepting change and trying to figure out how and what will happen is a lot smarter than shoving your heels in the ground because you don't like the decisions of the people who your fellow citizens elected into office.

This turned into something far more political than I intended; forgive me, thou must.

Back to good things,

Bobby is 23 today which means I'm getting old... every time he has a birthday I have a mini identity crisis because he is only a little bit (eight months) older than I am and I am old. But, this year I don't care. I'm on my way to nursing school, I'm not freaking out about not accomplishing anything of worth in my measly 20+ years on this planet, I actually feel amazing about myself. We'll see if I still feel this way come my actual birthday.

Tom... Tom Tom Tom. I am so into this bloke it almost has to be bad for me. I love his voice, and when I hear it on the other end of the phone my heart beats faster. Knowing I am going to be seeing him makes the troubles and irritants of they day matter so much less. Kissing him, oh my God kissing him... can someone be so in love with kissing someone else nothing besides the kiss matters? Tom is by far the best kisser I've ever snogged with. I'm happy, and the moment I decided to rid my life of Kyle it was like me heart opened up and all I wanted to fill it was Tom.

Have I sufficiently grossed you out yet?

Basically he is awesome, and I can't get enough of him.

Friday I get to see Thoroughly Modern Millie for the first time ever because Andi is in the pit at some high school in the middle of nowhere... but it'll be cool. I love the music (it's based of a girl in the twenties who is thoroughly modern... very very cute). I love musicals.

And, last but not least, my nephew is effing hilarious and I love him so so much. We have started him on solid(ish) food and watching him eat is so comical. He is the personification of nom nom nom-ing and once I figure out how to do it I'll show you a funny video of him eating.

the break up book

2011-03-04T13:48:00.001-05:00

Everyone, well, people who read, have books that signify turning points in their lives. A book you read after your pet died that helped you see death is a part of life. A book for when you graduated high school that helped you grow up and see that your adult life only held as much potential as you were willing to put into it. A break up book for when you're heart is broken seemingly beyond repair.

My sister decided that the only book anyone would ever need for a break up book was The Zahir, by Paulo Coelho, because it's a book in which his wife unexpectedly leaves him and he learns quite a bit about himself on his journey to heal and find love again.

I've never read the book, but I read the first three chapters or so when David and I broke up; I could just tell it wasn't for me, not at that moment anyways. The writing was the only thing that kept me going. My God, if I could write like that man I'd have it made. Soon I'll read one of his works, but not now... now I am reading something else.

Call me cliche, just do it. I know what I am about to tell you will make you roll your eyes at me.

I'm ready; I don't care.

Last night I started reading a book that will be my break up book (sorry it came almost nine months after the break up... but I have been doing a lot of introspection and I probably wasn't ready to read it before now) and my new relationship book, all in one.

I know this because I've seen the movie...

Eat, Pray, Love

Are you done laughing yet? Can we move on?

Great.

I loved the story, the idea of a woman who knew her life was messed up and took the necessary measures to fix it (sound familiar? I just wish I had been able to go to three foreign countries instead of the weekly therapy and meds rout) so this week when I saw it at the library on my way to check out I just nipped it up and walked out the door.

Because procrastination is my middle name, I didn't open it till last night... and 7 chapters in I knew I would finish.

Not because it's an easy read, because it is, but because the style is fantastic. It's so conversational and real, it's like talking to a friend with her little self interruptions (her use of parentheses makes my heart soar) and descriptions.And, it's funny. Laugh out loud funny. She describes her crazy like any other woman would: accepting but still loathing.

We're all nuts; after we've accepted this fact, dealing with it becomes so much easier.

Being able to relate to a book character with how her heart feels about her husband, how she fell in love with someone so fast (Kyle... again *cough cough*), and how no matter what she did that relationship wasn't going to heal her (only cause more harm and distress) is I think why this was more my book than The Zahir. That one is about being perplexed as to why you broke up, figuring it out, discovering yourself and how you can not make the same mistakes in your next relationship, and then seeing how those changes effected your new relationship for the better. That's not me.

I knew exactly what happened in mine and Davids relationship. I knew that he hated me for the exact same reasons I hated me... and that isn't exactly what happened in Eat, Pray, Love, but it's a lot closer because she hates herself and the needy (*ding*) warped (*ding ding*) person she had become from trying to please everyone else. She hates how she can't be alone (so many *dings* your ears bleed) and the idea of being alone is just as frightening as staying with the person you know is wrong for you.

She says, "The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving."

Before David and I broke up I was so unhappy, I was so unhappy it physically hurt... but I didn't know what to do. I couldn't leave him; he was the only thing in my life worth living for (so I thought), but I also couldn't stay with him, because if I stayed that meant I wasn't dealing with the shit pile I'd let my life become.

The depression sucked me dry of all reason.

I didn't do anything for fear of making a wrong decision, I didn't talk to anyone for fear of being reminded of exactly what I was hiding from, and, most importantly, I completely ignored how unhappy I was, because if I accepted that something was wrong, I would have to face it.

And isn't facing yourself much scarier than facing anyone else?

But I know this book will be it, it'll let me read about what I emotionally (since I physically can't eat gelato three times a day or go to Indonesia) went through this past nine months or so and then show me how to really love again.

Because at the end she finds that. Peace, love, and a guy to make it all seem worth it.

gaah, life is hard sometimes

2011-03-03T11:41:00.003-05:00

My therapist sucks because she makes me think about the things I pretend aren't bothering me. I sit there, for forty minutes talking about my mother, and how she drives me crazy, my dog, and how he is the cutest fur ball on the planet, my older sister, who is far too sympathetic towards my mother... and then, she asks me about my relationships.

Yes, you read that right.

Relationships.

With an "s".

As in plural...

Because I still have really strong feelings for Kyle and she is one of the few people who knows this.

She says that I light up when I talk about him, and that it sounds like I'm talking about the one I'm in love with, not just a friend. When I describe the way he makes me feel, how much fun we have together, how he is an amazing listener... she says that I'm happy, and she can see it in my eyes.

But with Tom, my boyfriend (is it just me, or does that still sound weird coming out of my mouth?) I seem to be making excuses. I like him, that's evident, just not with the same glow in my heart and light in my eye.

Being with him is fun, just not as fun... not as hilarious... not as much of anything. At all.

When Tom and I first started seeing each other, Kyle was out of the picture; he had decided that there was too much attachment happening (for both of us) and since he is damaged goods and can't give me his heart (note: won’t) I needed to quit him. We needed to quit each other.

What we were doing was bad for us both.

I hated him for making that decision. I hated him for taking the hope that we would someday figure everything out and be together. I hated not being the one to get to make that choice, I hate not having control, I want to be the one who decides when things are over (or beginning, or where we're going for dinner, or what color the walls should be...) and being told by someone else pissed me off.

And my heart hurt, Kyle was (and is) really special to me.

Kyle and I weren't talking, Ellen was in Geneva, David had fooled around with a girl on new years and hurt my heart so much I was sure it was going to break in half... I was lonely as shit.

And along came Tom, my knight in shining Irish armor with the bluest eyes I've ever seen. He swept me off my lonely feet and into his gigantic muscular arms. I felt safe, I felt wanted, I felt comfortable and warm and beautiful. He made all the hurt that was in my heart not as hard to bear, he helped me feel like I was worth something again... He was everything, he was the only guy in my life who I cared about (on the outside) and he made everything better.

My feelings for him were real, but very subjective.

David is my best friend again because I've forgiven him for being a major ass. Kyle is back in my life because it's sort of hard to actually get rid of someone who means so much to you, and while Ellen is still in Geneva, I'm doing better. Merry and I see each other on a pretty regular basis, which means that I'm not starving for female companionship.

So all the deep passionate quasi-needy feelings I felt for Tom have been subdued. I still want him, I still feel comfortable with him and enjoy our time together... it's just not so much of a need. It's not so much of a want. The void he was required to fill is no longer void and he's no longer the only thing filling it.

I have my best guy friend back, I have Kyle to do the things with no one else wants to do with me (glee anyone?) and Tom... well...

I like him, so much. But I need to make room for him in my life before he can matter to me as much as I matter to him. He is one of those guys who are generally annoyed by all things female. I guess I'm lucky because I am in the same boat.

Why are women so annoying?

So Tom choosing me for more than horizontal fun is something I should be proud of. Him wanting to see me and talk to me on a regular basis just shows me again how I'm not like normal women.

Yes I cried at Marley and Me, but who didn't? Yes I get all emotional when the red river is about to flow, but who doesn't? Yes, I think mini things are cute (even if it's cheese, how cute are those mini cheese rounds?) and all things baby make my face crunch up and higher than normal pitch talk come out of my mouth, but who doesn't? All I'm saying is that the normal: think it's cute to be stupid, never have anything of substance to say, just plain annoying to listen to and be with is what makes me special for not being those things. It also helps that I don't hate sports and I love Batman.

So, in order to make room for him in my life I am going to tell Kyle it really has to be over this time. No random texts about fifty cent fake moustache machines, no hanging out and drinking, no me letting his dog out because he'll be home late for work, no Sunday cinnamon rolls, no glee marathons on hulu... nothing.

Because as I'm writing this I, realize that he means way more to me than all of those things. He takes up a pretty big portion of my heart... and I want to give that portion and the rest to Tom. He deserves it, he deserves me, the whole me. He is a wonderful person, and me being selfish like this is horrible.

Kyle had the opportunity to have me; I was more than willing. I need to let him take his decision and walk, because having my heart and my head disagree on my relationship is a very bad thing.

texts from the ex

2011-03-01T12:58:00.000-05:00

me: men... they are just so needy

him: so are women... then they cry.

Obviously he remembers our relationship with fondness.

I guess I just write a lot

2011-02-28T14:27:00.002-05:00

Tom started a blog. I'm not going to say if I like it or not, just that it now exists and if you feel like reading it, you now know where to find it. He said he will probably write about me, and since I am god dammed hilarious in real life (so much so that I can't properly convey it through English words and such) you may get a look into that from someone who fancies me quite a bit's perspective.

I don't think he is quite used to how clumsy I really am yet. On one of our first few dates I totally ate it and fell on my ass in the parking lot. I laughed, he was embarrassed. Whatever.

Also, he and I are dating. Like, boyfriend and girlfriend, "no you hang up first" stuff. It's gross, and I love it. We watched Marley and Me (I'd never seen it and Tom wanted to see if I actually have a soul) and I cried like a little bitch. God, that movie was so sad. I want a puppy now.

Sorry men, (all one of you that read this vagina centered blog) I'm no longer on the market.

I am, however, in the market for things like people to hang out with, people who enjoy skyping (like Rob_of_the_sky *waves*) because Ellen is still in Geneva and I still miss her. Like so hard.

More plugs!! Merry, my dear friend of the real type (blog friends are real too, but she is really real. I've seen her existing and such) also has a blog that is so powerfully heartfelt and very hilarious at the same time. Also, she talks about poop and we all how important that is to me.

In high school Merry (short for Meredeth if you were confused) and I were in Beauty and the Beast together. Among towns person and other odd "Chorus" parts, I was a pillar. She was a bell. Not "Belle" but a bell; the *ding ding* type. After the transformation I was so effing bored and since I wasn't miked I had a good time with the girl who played Mrs. Potts... and by good time I mean I was really creepy and pissed her off every single time. Go me. Merry was there near me and since we'd all just "transformed" in to real people I thought commenting on people realness would be funny. I was totally right. I did this strange creeper thing with my hand I can't describe and told every one they were so real in this equally creepy voice. She and I still randomly comment on the realness of things with the creepy voice and creepy hand... this (among many many other things) is why I love heck heck out of this girl.

I'm done plugging my friends, I promise.
I want to talk about relationships though... and not just boyfriend slash girlfriend types; all types.

I have a very dear friend, his name is Andy Schueneman (BAM! Every time I spell that properly I want to high five myself, but then people look at me weird for clapping, so I do it on the inside), and aside from being part of the only family I've ever loved as much as my own, (he's Merry's brother, in case you were curious) he's truly an awesome person.

Another side not about the Schueneman's, and why I love them so much: I have a relationship with every member of the family that can coincide with the others, but is also completely unique. merry is like my other half, I love her. Em and I were amazing friends throughout most of high school (she drew quite a few fake tattoo on me during band) since she is in my grade. Andy and I tried dating over the summer, but it just didn't really happen... not a problem though, he's still a great friend. Mr. Schueneman (Max) and I went on an impromptu bike ride once when we both happened to be on the bike trail in Stow at the same time, and he and I always converse about things when I'm over there, and Mrs. Schueneman (Chris) is just an amazing hilarious woman I can't ever get enough of. Love the family, all of them.

I don't really know where I was going to go with this post... I started writing relationship advice (you know, because Tom and I have been dating for a whole three minutes and I know so much about them) but it turned out crap (the advice was good, the writing was crap). Maybe I'll work on that for and just tell you more about random things in my life that don't make sense or go together.

My sister has started reading the hunger games, and she's a whore for it now. She ordered the third book from the internet and because she has the flu she's home from work. But... she needed it today! Because she was done with the second!

So she went to Target and bought it.

She says she'll return the target one once the internet one arrives.

I doubt she won't have it done by the time the other arrives. I've been known to plow through a book when I've got the flu. Good news is that as soon as I am done with the book I picked up from the library over the weekend I'll get to start the series all bought by my sister. I love sharing books.

Teresa was texting me about how she bought the book at Target because she couldn't wait and I told her to "Keep it secret. Keep it safe," because you can't return a book that has been opened.

I love book quotes (and movie quotes) and because she is my sister she understands the crazy love of all things literature going on in my heart. We are really sisters, but if we weren't I'd say we were supposed to be sisters.

Books are cool.

being a woman makes me crazy

2011-02-25T14:06:00.002-05:00

Because I seriously have nothing better to do today than look at baby animals, my ovaries are crying out and have convinced me I need something small to love...

And, because baby humans are a lot more work than fluffy baby animals, my brain made sure my ovaries were aware that they weren't getting a human. Only a kitten.

And by getting, I mean looking at them on the internet... I can't get a baby kitten right now.

My cat might get jealous.

Look at them with me!!

That's enough for now... I hope.

How are your ovaries feeling?

ways to improve your writing

2011-02-23T11:51:00.024-05:00

Because I've been blogging ~~for what seems like~~ forever, I have picked up a few tricks as far as quality writing goes. Not to sound like a douche, but there are so many great blogs out there I don't read because I can't stand the way the writer tries to get their message across.

I know I sucked at the beginning, seriously, so bad, but once I got the hang of things, and remembered that while a personal blog is not meant to sound like a paper, you should still use certain caution when expressing your style, I found my voice, and my voice became legend.

Kidding... about the legend thing...

Because I've never done a tip-esque post before I want to warn you that I am not pointing at anyone in particular. I used to/ still slip into all of these at one point or another, and that's why I want to help you. You can't fix something you don't realize is wrong.

First things first: content

Your content is what matters. I'm serious when I say potentially great blogs out there are missing only one fundamental thing and it's good writing style. You can tell a blog, or any piece of writing really, is (can be) great from the content. Style comes after. If you don't have anything to write about, don't. I'm not talking about writers block, I'm talking about forced posts that are boring and unoriginal. Posting on a regular basis is wonderful, and a great habit to form; if you don't have anything of quality to publish, don't. I don't enjoy having to sift through fluff posts to find the good ones. True readers enjoy quality over quantity. Trust me.

I love to read.

2. Eliminate excess

words, phrases, redundancies

The word, "that" is my hardest. There are plenty of places that, "that" can fit in that make sense. That is why I have such a hard time with that. That's the main thing with my own writing that I find that I have to cognitively look for and eliminate.

Everyone has something they say in regular speech that doesn't flow so well in writing. If you know your weakness, it'll be easier to recognise and find other ways to get the same point across. "That" is actually a pretty easy one since most of the time you can just take it out without having to reword or rephrase anything. It's just a word I find comes out of my fingers on far too regular of a basis.

Another thing I have trouble with is "not only... but also...". I don't know why this idiom sticks with me, but I have to make sure I don't use it too often or it loses it's juice.

And I'm an ellipse whore, for this I am not apologetic.

I also start too many sentences with "so". Sometimes it works, sometimes it's overkill.

So, what you have to do is read your writing, lot's of your writing, and find the things you use often that may be more of an annoyance than a signature. Everyone's style is different, don't lose what makes your writing unique, just get rid of what makes your writing tedious to read.

3. Know the difference between homonyms. I can't tell you how annoying it is every time I get a text or see a facebook post that reads as so: Your awesome!!

NO!

You're lame.

Or: I can't wait to here from you!!!

Ugh... do not blog like idiots text. And, while we're on the subject, please do not text like idiots text, or facebook, or whatever. Your printed words are there, forever, and if you make those mistakes you just seem ignorant. Please, be the smart person I know you are.

4. Learn the differences between commas, semicolons, and colons.

And use them.

These are important. Your writing will be so much more fluid and speech like if you learn to punctuate your sentences properly. Fluid writing is easy reading, easy reading is fun reading. If you ever have a question as to what punctuation can or should go where, look it up on google. Google is God.

5. Don't use annoying fonts, annoying colors,or a background/foreground disagreement that makes your content hard to read. Books are not published that way, your blog shouldn't be either.

6. Proof read, and then do it once more.

This is coming from the goddess of typos; really, I invented them. Proof reading is hard for me because I seriously think I have a bit o' dyslexia. I can't see the difference between "something" and "somethign" and I make this mistake all the time. Thank Jesu that spell check was invented, but spell check can't check when you write one instead of once, or timed instead of times. You are your own best tool when it comes to this. Re-read your post (letter, email, paper, article...) at least twice. If you can, read it out loud, that'll force you to slow down and really see the words. Plus, you'll hear your writing and be able to spot any redundancies or inconsistencies as well as other style mishaps we've been trying to eliminate.

7. Don't write when you're anxious, don't write when you're drunk... okay, write when you're drunk, but don't publish it till you've had a chance to read it sober. I get anxious a lot (like right now, don't be like me...) and when I do my writing suffers. I write a lot of splices and things don't fit together. Writing when you're drunk, you'll forget that you can't type as fast as you think and you'll skip over important things. Right now I'm making millions of typos, this happens when you're not in your normal mind. Coffee does this to me sometimes... relax... relax...

There are millions of tools for becoming a better writer; and if you're curious as to what to read to become better I suggest starting out with The Elements of Style, by Strunk and White. It's what we read in our AP English class and it was my Bible from ninth grade through twelfth. Writing should be an outlet, not a chore. Don't write to write, write to tell a story or get a point across. If you have no reason to write, people won't have a reason to read what you wrote. Write with a purpose and write well, because I surely do love reading your stuff.

I am a woman, I ought to make sandwiches

2011-02-21T11:08:00.000-05:00

Recently I've been complaining a lot about Tom and the fact that he is a 'publican and how it will probably ruin our relationship somewhere down the road... and by relationship I obviously mean "relationship" (please do the finger quoties, it'll make me happy) because we're not together... to my sister because every time I hang out with him (which is really really often) she asks me why I keep doing it.

The answer is simple: I like him.

Really like him.

So, Teresa decided that any time I whine about Thomas and his lack of ability to be whatever it is I want him to be at the moment of my whining, I must surround it with two things I like... a conversational sandwich she calls it.

Positive: Tom cooks well and is not afraid to try new things.
Negative: Tom is a 'publican.
Positive: Tom's muscles are from the Lord and can only be described as Godlike.

See? That wasn't so hard... Let's try another

Positive: Tom's eyes are so blue I have to make sure I don't stare at them for too long lest I get lost.
Negative: Tom doesn't listen so well, and has trouble communicating what he actually means.
He usually needs to talk himself to a conclusion and the likelihood he'll piss me off on the way is pretty high.
Positive: Tom talks, and he wants to be heard.
Opinionated people are great, as long as they can logically back up their opinions. Dating a guy who just doesn't care (Kyle, cough cough) gets boring after a short while. I am interesting, no denying that, but I can't have all the opinions, that's lame. Tom has his own opinions, and as long as I have the time to listen to him talk his way through his reasoning, we can usually come to a place that makes sense. It's far more exciting.

It's not that hard, and since he really does have a lot of good qualities doing this helps me put things in perspective. My sister can give good relationship advice too, just don't tell her I said so.

next time you forget how to use spell check, imagine me yelling this at you

2011-02-18T17:48:00.002-05:00

beacuase I can

I write the best blog posts when I'm not near a computer

2011-02-17T12:55:00.002-05:00

Does anyone else have that problem? You can see the photos, the layout, your eloquent words streaming from here to there, filling the world with hope, inspiration, joy... then, I sit down at my computer to "work" and nothing.

Absolutely nothing eloquent.

So I do that thing writers do where they just write to get their creative juices flowing (welcome to what you're reading now) and listen to NPR and drink my coffee all while playing on 20sb because once again, "working" leaves lots of room to do things like that.

side note of gloriousness: I opened the door right in front of my desk this morning for 15 minutes to let the fresh warm(ish) air in and I heard real birds really chirping and felt wind on my face and I remembered why I am alive. I know spring is a tease and she won't actually put out till sometime in July or August, but it's nice to remember what it's like to not feel like I'm going to freeze to the core of my being every time I have to venture outside.

I woke up late this morning. And by I woke up I mean my sister walked into my room, asked me if I knew what time it was and told me it was 8:20. I jumped out of bed, thanked her a million times, didn't put pants on, kissed my nephew fifteen times, and then threw some clothes on that slightly resembled something other people might find acceptable "business casual" (a term that is very loose in my office seeing as I wore jeans yesterday, a pink summer camp t-shirt from when I was 14 and a sweater to dress things up a bit... This morning it's a bright green tank top with a black one under it, leggings, boots, and another sweater because I think cardigans can dress up any outfit. Can someone submit me to What Not to Wear please? I love Stacy and Clinton.

I'm pretty sure that you're all dying to know what I've decided about Sir Thomas... because, well, I'm interesting (so says my therapist yesterday when I once again talked about my blog... how pathetic is that? Not only do I talk about my blog on far too regular of a basis with people in my life, see a therapist on a quasi-regular schedule (now only every other week instead of every week, and only the talky and medicine type, the just talky type and I have hit a plateau and I don't feel like she is as good at therapying me) but I talk to my therapist about my blog). Sentences should probably have more out of parenthesise words than in parenthesise ones, but I try to keep things fresh for you people, keep you on your avocado.

When you read avocado did it surprise you? Did you expect toes? I was really keeping you on your toes by saying avocado. You're welcome.

God I can write about nothing like it's my job. And, since I am technically getting paid to blog right now I will say that it is my job. Until the phone rings. Or I decide to do the work sitting on my printer waiting to be done.

Back to me and the Republican. There are so many positive things about him; physically he is really great. Tall, blue eyes, reddish hair, glasses, freckles, lovely man arms that make the cave woman in me go bonkers... As far as life plans he basically has the right idea that's almost exactly in sync with mine. He has a great work ethic, he doesn't like lazy people (my blogging at work doesn't count as lazy, I'm being productive, remember that), he knows how to cook, his cuddling skills are unparalleled, I'm comfortable with him, he makes me laugh, he thinks I'm funny, I feel safe around him, appreciated, secure. All things that are super important to me in a relationship. I need to know that I'm special enough to not only warrant your time, but that you value me, as an equal opposite member of the relationship, but also as a human being. I don't need you to validate my place or my existence, but if I am going to be willing to commit to you, I need to know that you want and cherish my efforts in doing so. I love to make people happy, it's a huge weakness of mine because people have taken advantage of it my whole life; when I'm in a relationship if I don't feel valued and appreciated and noticed, I don't feel secure. I need that feeling. I hate the vulnerability that comes from giving your heart away; I'm not willing to let anyone walk all over it again. Healing from that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Depression makes you make stupid decisions, including letting the man you love treat you like crap because you're too afraid to face the world... and even more afraid to face the world alone.

As far as the place I would hold in Tom's and my relationship if I decided to let it become something officially official, need I say facebook official, I know I would be exactly where I should be. Who ever you're dating doesn't need the same opinions on everything in your life (that is where David and I spoiled each other, we never fought because we always agreed, on like everything. It was almost weird knowing that I would never face judgement (will never, sorry, he and I are still friends) because he just gets where I am coming from, my ideas and morals all make sense to him), but you do have to have general agreements on really important issues. I can deal with him being a republican, I just personally know I will be able to cancel out his vote every single election for the rest of my life and that sort of power makes me happy. I can deal with him thinking the system surrounding the practice of medicine is imperfect (duh, are't all systems like that imperfect? Human nature my friend, read 1984) which is I guess what he meant when we talked about anti-anxiety medicines being prescribed to a lot of people who don't need them.

Although, what a terrible way to say something that sounds nothing like what you supposedly mean...

But, I don't exactly appreciate the way he approached this argument. You see, I'm not the type of person who is proud of the way I acted those few years as depression and anxiety were slowly but surely pulling me into the darkest point in my life. I'm not proud of how i saw the world, and how I saw the people in it. I'm not proud of the days I spent being angry for no apparent reason. Or the times I fought with people just because I could... I wish I could go back and take those moments of lashing out irrationally before I had time to truly think about something and properly analyze the event in my mind logically and hit myself for being that way. But, I am glad it happened. I'm glad I got to see how horrible I was and how different I was. And I am even more glad that's it's all (hopefully) hindsight.

I can't just fight with someone in the moment anymore because I refuse to basically. I refuse to talk about things that upset me here and now because there is a huge potential I will say something I don't mean. I do not ever want that to happen again. And Tom doesn't understand this tactic of mine. What if, after thinking about something for a day or two I decided it really didn't matter and it was totally a situational annoyance? What if what I was originally upset about turns out to just be a surface symptom of an underlying issue? Why not give myself the time to come to those conclusions before I make someone upset by telling them they've pissed me off but refusing to talk about it right then. I know that's annoying, David told me every time I did it.

I hate crying.

And I hate acting on irrational thoughts.

Thus I refuse to talk about things without giving myself that time, and if Tom can't accept that, and respect me for it, then that will be the deciding factor.

I'm not ashamed of this way of thinking, I've always done it (sans the depression stages of my life) and I personally think it's ten times more effective than yelling and screaming and calling names. It works because you come to the disagreement when raw emotions can't get in the way since you've given yourself that time to figure things out. You don't have stupid fights because you are fully aware of the real problem at hand, no outside little qualms get in the way, and instead of an argument you have a productive adult discussion. I see the other way immature and time waisting. Therefor, I refuse to take part in it.

Aren't you so proud of me for being such a grown up?

wait

2011-02-15T14:53:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I wish I didn't like sex so much. It would be nice to be able to use my head instead of my penis when it came to major decisions... like who I let in between my legs, and how long I wait after meeting slash dating them to do this.

If I didn't care about getting laid, dating would be a lot easier because I would remember to ask the important questions before I spend a significant amount of time on my back (or knees) with someone.

I wish I didn't swoon over big muscles or a nice musky scent as he walks by. I wish the entirely feral ideas of what I really want to do to him (and him to me) weren't streaming through my mind like the real subtitles to the movie that is my life. I wish I could go 15 minutes (okay, more like 5) without thinking of how lovely a guy looks under me... or on top of me, or with his face in between my legs. I want to not get the cosmic horn any time I drink making me willing to fool around with people I probably shouldn't be fooling around with just because I can't properly use my lady toys when I'm stumbling drunk or remember how to reload the batteries.

But alas, that is my fate. Since the ripe old age of almost seventeen I have know how amazing it feels to do the between the sheets dance with someone.

And, by almost seventeen I mean I thought it felt amazing. Teens just don't know good sex, which is fine with me. It takes practice; you might as well have bad sex with someone else who is bad at sex so you can both learn without wasting anyone’s time.

I now long for it. I crave it. I want to feel the warmth of another body with me as I hit the highest notes in my range. I want to feel incubused by someone as they put it inside me. I want to hear as they breathe in and out, working to get us to a place that makes no sense at all while still being absolutely the best thing that could ever happen...

I love sex.

Too much.

It makes my brain shut off and I do stupid things.

Like sleep with someone I barely know.

This gives lots of room for awkward moments like, "You're a republican?!??"

"Yea, aren't you?"

"NO! Are you crazy? Why would I be?"

Now, this was totally my bad. It didn't occur to me that by taking me to a gun show he was waving his republican flag high. I forget it's mostly those types that like to play with guns. They do give gun enthusiasts a bad name... that's for sure. Oh, and they aren't funny; their jokes seriously suck.

Another lovely thing to come out of his mouth, "I don't think anxiety is a real thing you should get medicine for. I mean, it can be treated other ways and most people who take anti-anxiety meds misuse them anyways. It just leads to a bunch of pill poppers."

Side note about me: I've been seeing a therapist weekly since August for depression and anxiety. I didn't sleep proprtly for over a year because of it. After four months of this weekly therapy I still wasn't sleeping. I got a prescription for anti-anxiety medicine and one for insomnia. That night was the first night I had slept in what felt like forever.

He knows this.

So, basically in his mind I'm a druggie who will eventually turn into one of those stepford-esque women who are mentally unstable and eventually kill themselves while no one noticed anything was wrong since she was just so medicated all the time. Because I need medicine to help with my anxiety I can't possibly have valid opinions or other things like that.

Maybe that's not what he said per se, but that's how I feel about what he said. I can't get over how he could think that anxiety isn't something that may be so intense it'll require medication.

Do you know how many anti-anxiety medications are out there?

Me either, but I'm sure there are lots.

Mine happen to be on the four dollar list at Giant Eagle, which means it's commonly enough prescribed that they don't charge you out the ass for them. I am sure that no matter how many people Tom knows that abuse their medication, there are a hundred more out there who thrive on it. And, people abuse anything they can get their hands on.

People are idiots.

The habits of those few people who abuse anti-anxiety medication are not the majority. Those things are monitored by a medical doctor, you can't get a new prescription without talking to one unless you have one of the crack pot ass hole of a doctor types that just collect your payment, write you a prescription and show you the door... which I am aware that they exist, but again, not the majority. His prejudice against us pill poppers comes from his republican views of the world. No faith in people, no reason to help fellow man.

I'm a firm believer in the fact that most people will not work if you don't make them. I know that people are idiots, and lazy, and predominantly useless when it comes to anything useful. However, I don't think that everyone is an idiot. And I don't think you can ever say the majority of anything is anything without any facts to back it up.

I'm a statistics gal. Talk numbers to me and not only will I get on my knees to thank you but you'll make sense to me every single time. I'll agree with you because you're right, with proof, and facts can't be argued. But, walk up to me with a brash idea/opinion with no proof whatsoever and I won't listen to you. I'll think you're an idiot. I'll probably tell you're an idiot too. I think if you feel something strongly enough and are willing to say it and call it your opinion, I at least deserve to know your reasoning behind why you feel so. And, I pray that as an intelligent person you have facts. Don't tell me what your father thinks, or you mother. I don't care what your pastor told you or a friend at work... I want to know how you came to the conclusion and I want you to try to persuade me to feel the same.

Off subject, so sorry.

Sex distracts me from getting to know someone and their views on matters that are really close to my heart (homosexuality, suicide, mental illness...). I give advice all the time I don't follow. I know; yes, I'm that girl, but seriously, my advice is good.

I once gave the best relationship advice ever: wait.

Now, if only I could freaking listen to myself...

Wait till you're sure. Wait till you know if they like strawberry or grape. Wait so you won't be an idiot for talking about how wonderful they are on your blog until you know they are wonderful enough to grace it (this, of course, doesn't count if they provide you with a moment of hilarity that just must be shared). Wait so that your most fond memories aren't of what his ceiling looks like. Wait. Because if you don't, you'll be a stupid whore.

Or, you'll just find yourself emotionally invested because it's hard to not. It's hard to love someone physically over and over on a regular basis and not begin to love them emotionally.

That is another thing I hate about myself; why do I have to have emotions when I just want to use my head? Why do sex and feelings always prevent me from doing the logical thing?

On the other side of that, why am I obsessed with doing the logical thing? Isn't love supposed to be something you fall into? Isn't that implying you're not really looking for a foothold or place to land, you're just doing it, because it feels right, right?

Because looking into the eyes of someone you love and never needing logic is why love makes sense at all. It makes sense by not needing to make sense.

I don’t know if that makes sense…

All I know is that I’m sitting here, mulling over the past few days in my mind and so many things are pointing to this not working, to this never working.

But, here I still sit. I am torn because of all the good, all the potential if things just play out how I know they can, and all the great no sense making stuff that I really do want, despite what I say about wishing my feelings didn’t get in the way.

I wish sex didn’t clog my mind, but feelings… I guess I can deal with those. Feelings are why I’m here, right? The whole David fiasco, internet dating, and now dating a real person who I didn’t meet online; I did it all for the feeling of love. For the feeling of being safe and wanted. For how it feels to be in someone’s arms as you fall asleep. For hearing someone pull in the drive way and your stomach gets butterflies while your heart swells with joy. I miss those things, I want those things…

If only my carnal need for sex didn’t get in the way. If I could let my feelings to all the talking we’d be golden. Stupid vagina…

Happy Vagina Day

2011-02-14T11:08:00.000-05:00

February 14th, V-day, vagina day.

Embrace your vaginas ladies, you're freaking lucky to have them and live somewhere where it is safe to celebrate them.

seriously, stop crying

2011-02-10T10:20:00.000-05:00

What the heck was with Tina???

Last night I caught up on my glee, and Tina was just... weirder than normal I guess.

Why was she crying like some spastic whore? And why are the glee kids throwing "love" around like it's... something you throw around a lot... I promise to work on my metaphors. Her song just caught me off guard. I understand it was supposed to be funny, but it was just so awkward... so. awkward.

Brittany looked hot, per usual. I was so in love with the Thriller dance I couldn't even blink. Ama-za-zing. Seriously. Artie actually creeped me out. Someone had fun with that make up.

Quinn is making me mad, so is Santana. I know that high school is full of idiots and drama and this is Glee Club; the kids are bound to be overly dramatic often, but why such shady behavior? Why is Quinn not the shining beacon of morality her character could be? She's so pretty, I don't want to be mad at her. And Santana is just a bitch. There really isn't any getting around it.

Brittany is so hilarious! There were two pieces of gold from her:

as Santana is crying, "Maybe you should rock back and fourth, that's what they do on TV."
sitting on Artie's lap, "This is my boyfriend, his legs don't work." (or something like that)

Rachel, Mercedes, and Kurts sleep over made me happy. I remember sleep overs with my gay bff Albert. Way too much fun. That is all.

Oh, David, the homo/homophobe... still pissing me off. I get the point of his character. I understand what he is doing for the plot. But, I still can't stand that type of person.

Bieste is officially in my bang book. My God, that woman is such a great person. I can't imagine the show being half as amazing if it weren't for her character. I love her! No really, so much. She's got so much inner strength, and her head and heart are exactly where they should be. Mr. Schu won my heart when he smooched her.

haaave you met Ted? I mean Tom. please tell me you watch how I met your mother

2011-02-09T13:02:00.002-05:00

So, I legit have Valentines plans this year... It's sort of strange. David was the first boyfriend I was able to not get sick of long enough to have a Valentines with. Every year since the beginning of time my mother has been my valentine... well, because she knows I'm her only daughter who won't have one.

Whatever.

A free dinner is a free dinner.

Who cares if it comes from your mother or not.

side note about my mother: I am so mad at her right now. The other day we were talking about something (probably how Tom is a republican and I am just not sure yet to do with that information) and by we I mean my mother, Merry, and I, and she started talking about gay people. Except, she called one of them a "fag" and I nearly (note: totally) flipped my shit. I stood up, yelled at her to never use that word ever again, and how disgusted I was that she thought it was an acceptable term to use for anyone ever and then, get this, she laughed it off and kept talking. Fuck her.

But this year, I have plans. Pre-planned (because I am a whore for things like lists and plans and other obsessive compulsions) and pre-ordered and pre-paid for plans.

Tom and I will be going to a bed and breakfast like old people, sexing each other up, and then eating waffles in the morning. I'm thinking it will be hilarious when we get drunk and go swimming with the people who are all over 50 then have loud obnoxious kissing in the early parts of the morning since I don't have to work the next day and I tend to kiss loudly. Especially when drunk.

Last year on Valentines Day I actually wanted to do anything but be with David. That was nearing the point in our relationship where we began to hate each other and he didn't ever want to plan anything ever. He's so anti plans I have no idea how he ever gets anything done. Tom is lovely for not only liking my plans and wanting to participate in them, but also for making plans of his own for us.

Is it so wrong to be smitten with someone because of their ability to schedule things...?

No?

Thank God.

Oh em gee! I just realized this is the first time I am giving you any sort of description of Tom whatsoever! Look at me go. I'm such a rebel. And really, I don't even have a cause.

I guess this is where I should tell you what I like about him. I will try to keep it PG.

He is Irish, and has the most insanely beautiful blue eyes. I realized it the other night when I was gazing into them in a moment of passion. They are so blue... It's intoxicating.

He's funny. Not only his stories but just the things he does.

He doesn't put on music when we're in the car... he likes to talk. A lot. Tom talks a lot. And it's sometimes just to make noise. I find this so hilarious. Maybe in a while I'll find this annoying... but right now he is still shiny to me so we'll stick with hilarious.

He's a little bit geeky and he appreciates my quick wit. Any guy who will want to watch The Dark Knight and Iron Man 2 on your first and second (3d? 4th?) movie dates (they've all blended together in my mind, sorry, time lines aren't really my thing) is awesome in my book. Who knows, maybe next he'll watch blue planet with me? I hope so.

He cuddles. Like for realz. Not crappy cuddles guys do to make you happy, real "get your ass over here" cuddles that really do make me happy. And he is so warm. I need that because I get too cold in these freaking frigid temperatures.

In case anyone from Florida is reading this and wants to bitch, it was 5 whole degrees out this morning. Fahrenheit. 5. Degrees. Suck it people who have nice weather (that goes for you too Ellen).

He cooks, well, and doesn't get pissed when I drop things (note: an egg... that little guy was slippery). He likes what I cook. He eats sweet things. I can't tell you how annoying it is when you want to bake but have no one to share it with. It really discourages you from making a chocolate cake when you know you'll be eating the whole thing.

His arms are so big! Muscles galore with this one. And he wants to get bigger... yum yum yum. Ugh... I love big arms on men, they are my ~~second~~ favorite part.

About my first favorite part: Huge. We'll leave it at that.

Really though... Ha-uge.

you betta' recognize!

2011-02-07T11:21:00.002-05:00

I don't even know how to start this...

I got recognized. In a bar. In the bathroom. For this blog.

I met a blogger in the bathroom Saturday night. God, how awesome is that?!?!!??

Besides the fact that I was so drunk I couldn't really have good judgement about anything, the night was a blast.

I kissed a girl.

I clogged the toilet (not what you're thinking, I dumped my drink down it, straw, lemon, and all because after two sips I realized my stomach wasn't having any of it and so it became clogged).

I made this girl show me her tattoos in the bathroom.

I made friends with all the smokers outside, this one is made better because I don't even smoke. I don't know why I was outside so much. I'm so weird.

I carded people at the door because I thought it was funny.

I wooed the bouncer with my feminine wiles and I got a guys number who I'm not sure if he was Black or some Indian or Arab nationality because it was dark, he was cute, and I was drunk. And, in reality he could have been either. Or both. And by boy I mean man because he is more than 10 years older than me. I do remember that much.

I fell on the dance floor, but not like trip and fall, like slow motion slip because the floor was wet from melted snow and I didn't have anything to grab onto to stop me from falling. Some nice girl I'd been grinding with helped me up. I think I told her I love her. And her boyfriend. Who also helped me up.

I met Hey Suburban in the Bathroom!!!

Talk about awesome. She asked me if I was Denise. I am Denise so I said yes. She asked me the title of my blog which I responded, "Somewhat of a Spectacle" and she said she was Hey Suburban!

I fa-reaked out.

No one in the bathroom cared. I told them all at least 6 times. They sucked.

She shared with me the fact that some 21 year old kept buying her drinks... turns out that 21 year old is one of the guys I came with and I was actually the one buying her drinks because we shared a tab. She took our picture and as soon as she posts it I'll copy it and post it at the bottom of this post. She is beautiful. I probably have my bra showing or something in the picture... I'm pretty sure I did a thumbs up.

I can't be composed and drunk at the same time.

And holy poo was I drunk.

I had seven shots before I left the house. I had two more (plus two sips of a long island before I tried to flush it) at the bar. I want to go back next week. So much lovely dancing.

Oh, and there was a girl fight as we were leaving! I've never seen one. Those poor girls. One got really messed up. The girl was holding her by the collar and got at least 4 good hits to the mouth in before anyone could separate them. I don't think they actually knew what they were fight about. All I have to say about that is I am glad I'm so non-confrontational. And that I came with two boys. Boys protect you from crazy girls.

My Views on Gay Marriage

2011-02-04T08:00:00.004-05:00

I am normally a pretty easy going person; I like to say that the only thing I'm intolerant of is intolerance. I think that no matter who you are or where you're from a little sympathy for man and the common goal we all share (happiness) will go a lot farther than any hateful action ever could.

My Views on Gay Marriage

My views on this subject stem from a few places.

my views on marriage
my views on homosexuality
my religion

Marriage is a sacrament given to humans by God just like those of Communion and Baptism. God gives us these gifts as part of our religion so that it can have an active physical place in our lives. Marriage is more than just tax benefits and the ability to have sex and not have to burn in Hell forever (although, you can't deny those things are nice)... it's about the gift of love and the security and strength that comes from being in a committed relationship with an equal. Someone who you love and are loved by forever (supposedly) decided to proclaim these feelings for each other in a public format and in doing so you proclaim your bodies (the temples given to you by God as well) to be for the other person only forever...

Wouldn't it be nice if we lived in an ideal world where people saw marriage for what it was intended?

Divorce, infidelity, loveless marriages... it's all so main stream I doubt anyone actually considers that the final most permanent step you can make with someone anymore. If you ask me a kid is way more permanent than marriage. You can't sign a paper saying you have irreconcilable differences with a kid ans walk out of the courtroom with more money in your pocket than when you walked in (or less, depending...)

Why should only straight people be allowed to get married? I think that the percentage of how many marriages end in divorce would decrease significantly if we'd just let the gays get married too. Prove to me that straight people know how to do marriage right and gays obviously couldn't do it better and maybe I'll believe you. But you can't. So I stand by this:

I support gay marriage.

Homosexuality stems from the same part of your physical make us as being straight. You can't be straight and say you don't understand how someone can be homo... They know just like you know. You're attracted to members of the opposite sex in the exact same way they are attracted to members of the same.

Humans don't develop their sexual orientation till somewhere between the ages of four and six. It has about as much to do with DNA as it does with outside forces (nature and nurture) and there is not only no cure (you can't fix something that isn't broken) but no reason that this should be looked at as a sin. The places in the bible that talk about homosexuality as an "abomination" also refer to things like prohibitions against round haircuts, tattoos, working on the Sabbath, wearing garments of mixed fabrics, eating pork or shellfish, getting your fortune told, having women as teachers, and even playing with the skin of a pig. (There goes football!)

If you're going to stand there in your cotton shirt with a silk tie, please refrain from telling me God hates gays because I will call you out on it.

Sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, and when you condemn people for practises different from your own remember all the times you were mocked for being different. When your mom got your hair cut funny, or you failed a math test. When you accidentally misspoke or messed up a performance. When you didn't get onto a team or elected for something in which you were running. Any time your parents fought when you had a friend over or your older sibling made fun of you in public.

Remember all those times you were different too; then apologise to who ever you just hurt with the same behavior.

I grew up Lutheran. I went to Lutheran school for 9 years. I believe in God... and I believe in his message: love.

Simply put there is no God in your heart if there is no love. Show love and you are showing God. God doesn't hate gays, he loves them just like he loves you. God made them just like he made you. God wants them to be happy just like he wants you to be happy.

God doesn't make mistakes.

Loving is showing God.

Hating/condemning anyone for anything isn't showing love. You are not God, it is not your place to judge. Live a life of love and you will be living as God intended.

Have a good weekend.

Want an in depth look at why I feel this way? Click here.

there is nothing like the warm caress of a new bra

2011-02-02T11:58:00.001-05:00

I don't think I've ever done a list of things I just love and will forever, but I feel as a blogger it's something I should do seeing as you love me and want to know me better/ be a part of my life.

I should say thank you for that.

Thank you. You're awesome. For realz.

Things I love, and will forever, for no real reason other than I do:

Falling snow or the way it looks on trees once it's fallen.
     As long as I'm not driving in it, walking through it, standing outside in it... I love snow and how beautiful it looks.

A Capella music and instrumental music.
    Sometimes one without the other tells a much more powerful story then when you put them together.

Bras. Seriously.
     I'd wear mine in the shower if I could. So comfortable. The things they do for my boobs are amazing. Underwire is from the Lord which is why I have no shame in professing my undying love for it. I ordered some from Amazon last week and two of them came in the mail yesterday and my life was completed when I put one of them on.

Milk.
     I may be slightly lactose intolerant (good bye Alfredo... good bye ice cream...) but I can still drink milk, and I do. Because I love it and have forever. 2% please.

Summer.
    As long as it's not so humid you can't breathe I love summer. And fall and spring. Summer is when I have the potential to not be luminescent white, it's when I can wear dresses and tuck them into my underwear (yes I really do this) so that they are super comfortable. A whole season where pants don't matter. It's love I tell ya. Oh, and swimming. And reading by the pool. And the smell of fresh cut grass. I love that smell.

The smell of fresh cut grass.

The smell of browning butter. Or mushrooms and garlic and green onions in butter.
    Good God that smell is where it's at.

Flannel.
    I have never slept as well as when I had flannel sheets with little white and black sheep on them. I wore a spot in the fitted one though because I rubbed my butt in the same spot for too long so I had to get grown up sheets because that's what happens when you grow up... no more flannel sheets with sheep on them. I do still have a flannel comforter though. And a pillow case left from that set. A man in a flannel shirt is a man I would like to see out of that flannel shirt. IfyaknowwhatImean

Regina Spektor.
    She is my love. I have referred to her as my girl friend for the last three years since my older sister so lovingly gave me one of her cd's for my birthday. When she sang the opening song for the one Weeds episode I about pissed my pants. Love her. SO HARD! I have to try really hard to not sing Fidelity every time I go to karaoke. That and show tunes. Show tunes make up about 80% of my repertoire.

Musicals.
   I don't really feel like this needs any explanation. Musicals are where it's at. Theater itself is amazing, but throw a few campy catchy songs in between dialogue I'll fall head over heels in love each and every time.

The sound of rain.
   I can sleep so well in a thunderstorm it's almost unreal. I love the sound of water falling against my window (or sitting outside and watching it, amazing).

Reading
   Books, blogs, foreign films, my kindle, recipes, road signs... okay, maybe not road signs, those tend to be boring. But I do love reading so so much.

Cooking.
   and of course with it goes eating. I can't help it if I'm all sorts of amazing in the kitchen.

I feel like we're closer as humans already.

orange jello

2011-01-31T14:58:00.000-05:00

I think all my creative writing skills fell out of my brain this morning when I was lying in bed fighting with my will before I actually got out of bed about twenty minutes before I had to leave the house. Creative writing, why hast thou left me?

Since January first I've lost ten and a half pounds. I am becoming a whore for the gym. I go with Merry and I've gone a few times with my little sister, but I go alone too and I really enjoy it. Thirty minutes on an elliptical, walk a few times around the track, go home. I feel amazing after and I sleep so well. When Merry and I go I usually do a lot more, but it's just something nice to do that makes me feel good and look better. I think I'm going to plan on swimming once a week soon; I love to swim, and it works all your muscles and is fun. However, walking out into the frigid 14 degree weather with wet hair doesn't sound that appealing to me. Yes, I've heard for hair dryers, no I have no desire to use one more than once a day.

I need to do laundry so bad. I hate laundry... more than anything else I hate laundry. I am the girl that buys new clothes instead of washing what she has. I am not ashamed of that.

My little sister wants to learn to cook. I am pleased that I not only taught her to drive (sort of) but now will be teaching her to cook. Cooking is one of my favorite things. I'd teach anyone who wanted to learn.

Ellen being gone is starting to hit me hard. I am getting used to her absence, but my heart still aches. Last night I dreamt she and Andi both died one day apart. It was the worst dream I've had in a while. I woke up crying at least three times because every time I would fall back asleep I'd be right back in the dream and the grief was insurmountable. I used to have nightmares a lot, it was one of the things I talked to my therapist about often... since I've been less crazy I haven't really had anything that unsettling. I hope this isn't coming back. I really don't think I could live in fear of sleeping again.

Today I get to leave work early to go babysit. This is awesome for two reasons: I get to leave early and I get to be paid twice. I didn't tell my boss I was leaving and he is rarely ever here so we're good.

I like Tom. Like really like him. I could go on but I won't. Saturday night we got drunk and talked about things and watched The Never Ending Story. I also made him a chocolate cake. If you make a guy a chocolate cake and he doesn't put out you're doing something wrong.

Just like if you buy a girl something shiny. Please don't ask why girls like shiny things... it doesn't even make sense to us. But, walk us past jewelry and I bet 90% will look, and the other 9.86% will want to. (I do allow room for the occasional girl who doesn't like jewelry)

Anyways, I really like him for reasons I won't mention because he happened to find my blog and I don't want him reading this and getting a bigger head than he already has. It's weird dating someone I actually knew prior to our first date. the internet dating things has basically changed the way I look at dating. This normal way most people do it will take a little getting used to.

I may have sort of decided to pull myself off match dot com for this guy. I canceled my two dates last week... (and that guy from Fridays post was a tool. He kept sending me pictures of himself doing every day tasks... why would I want that?) This is a weird decision. Men from the internet make sense to me, I expect less and know that more likely than not they are probably at least a little bit crazy. Real life men are the ones that are over my head. Tom is proving to be interesting to say the least. And he's hilarious. And so so cute. *swoon*

While I pick my tongue off the floor and try to stop drooling let me fill you in on other fantastic things that are happening. I found my new favorite band of the moment. They are called Mumford & Sons. Look them up. You won't be disappointed.

not exactly the way to my heart

2011-01-27T13:44:00.000-05:00

I got asked out today by a fellow match dot com-er who I have officially been talking to for, wait for it...

One day.

He emailed me this morning asking for my phone number, I emailed him back giving it to him and we've been texting for approximately and hour and a half...

5 texts later he asked me to dinner.

Naturally I accepted. I love dinner.

But here is where he rubbed me wrong:

him: Do you have class or work today? (I'm re-reading your profile now)

What he actually means by re-reading is reading. For the first time. Because he admitted in his original email that he had just skimmed my profile.

me: I'm not in school right now because I originally started out studying music Education and decided two years in, it wasn't for me. Now I'm ready to go back and will be studying nursing starting in May but I won't know if I'm accepted into the program (30 people per session get accepted) till March but because I'm brilliant I should have no problem. That and my good looks.

him: Intelligence idk yet. But looks I agree :-)

First of all, I hate IDK, just like I hate BTW and people (my sister, the English teacher) who say them out loud. Secondly, please do not tell me you're finally re-reading my profile after asking me for my number, then tell me you think I'm hot but you don't think I'm smart.

I'm very smart. I try not to be annoyingly smart when I talk to people because no one wants to hear about statistics and facts about the brain over a few cocktails even though that's all I'm thinking about. If a guy doesn't appreciate me for my brain it doesn't matter how cute he thinks I am.

I've never dated a guy before who wanted me to be his arm candy (mostly because I'm mildly to moderately outspoken and usually say something inappropriate because it's hilarious and I like to make people squirm). I will never be any ones arm candy. I may have arm candy in the future when I am a billionaire from writing a book or singing something really well, or possibly this blog gets as famous as the pioneer woman's or something... but arm candy is such a waste of time.

I've never slept with someone more than once that I found to be anything less than intelligent and hilarious.

I have two standards. You must be smart and you must be funny.

If I get to choose you'll have glasses and be over 6ft tall.

If I really really get to choose you'll have dark hair and green eyes so we can make little baby clones of ourselves.

Basically all I ask is that you like me for the reasons I like me. And don't downplay how important my intelligence is. I'm not looking for a guy who doesn't value my opinions and input.

And never say IDK... ugh.

why I think everyone should see a therapist

2011-01-26T13:06:00.000-05:00

Life is hard.

Really really hard, every single day. And going it alone makes it harder.

Not that you may actually be alone, but you may feel alone. And if you're feeling alone, or overwhelmed, or under appreciated or over worked you may not be able to talk to the people in your life that are causing you to feel this way.

And having someone to talk to about these things, free from judgement or outside opinions, things seem better. You can deal with them easier if you have a way to talk through them, over and over again, out loud. You discover things about yourself and your life that you didn't realize before may have been affecting you. You see where things started. You come up with solutions to problems and have someone who generally cares about your happiness and well being sitting with you every step of the way.

You can cry, get angry, laugh, share stories or opinions and someone just listens and lets you. You don't get interrupted or pushed aside. For one whole hour it's all about you and what you're going through and your feelings and impressions about those things. All of those things.

Talk about your relationship with your mother, how annoying she is, how much you love and miss her, how you're afraid you're becoming her... Talk about school, work, stress, anxiety, depression, money, sex, match dot com, your secret lesbian fantasies, anything at all that's on your mind. Talk about sleep, dreams, your pooping schedule (yes, I do talk about this. It's important to me), your favorite things, things you don't do enough, your life plans, your friends that make you happy, your friends that don't. Talk about any and everything, over and over again till your brain can get around it and everything makes sense. And, if that takes a million sessions and a million hours of the same thing that's okay, because that's why you're there. To figure everything out.

Emotions, feelings about yourself and how others see you, feelings about how you see you, moments in your life where you feel crazy or hurt, anything at all. I'm serious. One in five adults has a diagnosable mental illness (and if you don't know one you probably are one...). Why fight something you don't have to? Why suffer if there is someone there to help? Why live your life miserable when happiness is just a pill (or two) away?

My argument probably could go without that last sentence, but really; my anti-anxiety meds have made such a huge difference in almost every aspect of my life (note: including my poo, but we won't go there... again). I feel different and I see things differently and I am able to get my head around my problems before any situation gets out of hand (usually, sometimes I need a few minutes).

More than anything, a therapist helps you reconnect with the person inside you that's having a hard time dealing with your life and isn't coming out anymore. It helps you find who you're supposed to be, because you need to be that person again. You need to get yourself past all the outside things causing you to hide from the pain, the stress, the money issues, the loneliness, your unresolved parental issues, your unresolved body image issues, any sad thing in your life you've been unable to deal with because you just have so much on your plate. Therapists get that. They get where you're coming from and want you to be and feel and live better than you are currently.

Everyone needs someone who is completely objective to talk to about any and everything. It makes the world a much better place to be.

oh internet... how you make me laugh

2011-01-25T13:31:00.000-05:00

There is only one good reason for word verification ever... and this is it.

payin it forward

2011-01-24T12:06:00.002-05:00

I'm am literally sweating my balls off this morning which is a nice change from freezing them off all weekend. The heat, I love it. It's a whole 7 degrees outside right now and since my room mate is a lazy bitch he left my first ever jug o' wine outside because he didn't want to walk to the garage refrigerator (it was too large to fit in the house fridge) and now it's frozen.

*very very sad face*

Not that it really matters; I'm at work right now and shouldn't be drinking anyways. It's just the principal here people. Wine is big kid juice, it still has parts of it that freeze, don't leave it outside in 3 degree weather.

Stuff on the internet (note: where all my friends live) has been goin' down! Heard of this?

Pay it Forward 2011: I promise to send something handmade to the first 5 people who leave a comment. They must in turn post this and send something they made to the first 5 people who comment. The rules are that it must be handmade by you and it must be sent to your 5 people sometime in 2011.

I have currently been one of the first five commenter's twice... I don't know if that means I need to post this twice or if I should just stick with five people. Maybe after I get the first batch done I will do a second one. No promises though.

So, if you think you can handle something hand/home made from this girl please try to be the first five to comment, then send me your email (it's under email me in the Contact Me tab) and we'll discuss what you think you'd want. I've got a few ideas.

Lets start this week off right!

because I can, this is my sister and the Odin.

people just want to connect

2011-01-21T16:00:00.004-05:00

Today is one of those rare days at work when I am alone. My aunt slash coworker is out of the office so I get to wear jeans, fart loudly when I want to, and have the radio on to music that she doesn't listen to (note: NPR).

It also means I'm lonely. She and I don't spend the whole day talking, that would be annoying, but we do talk a lot. I've been texting the crap out of people and decided today that I'd talk to every single policy holder that came in and I had something to talk to them about.

Social experiment: connecting, with anyone

Recently a fellow blogger posted a 9 item list about why you should connect with the girl (woman...? am I old enough to be a woman?) next to you. And most of the reasons made sense. People just want to feel remembered, people want to feel worth remembering. People want to feel like they are a part of something positive. If you can give those feelings to someone, and get the same warmth from mutual connectedness, why wouldn't you?

The first woman I talked to about a flower shop business she'd recently taken over. I asked her how things were going and her response was a smile followed by exclaiming that I'd remembered. We talked for a few minutes about that, then she asked me about my drive up here because I work 35 minutes from home and I told her about how I live on a culdesac and they always plow my driveway in and I have to deal with that but once I'm on the main road it's usually fine. She left smiling and I stayed feeling really good about myself because I'd talked to someone and made someone else happy.

The next person came in and we talked about what he wanted and I gave him some professional advice. I love that I can honestly say I give people professional advice. And, after we got all his stuff handled and I convinced him to do what he should do (which is get his car fixed at this awesome shop because his deductible won't go up just because it's more expensive and he'd be so much happier with the work) we talked about what he does for a living and he has a side job of making DVD's for people (which is totally illegal but who cares) and he gave me a list of the ones he has. I have yet to look at it but I might buy one just because it would again be extending emotions out to people and that's my goal here. He left happy, I stayed here happy.

That's really all the further I've gotten today with real life people. The people I've been texting/emailing I can also tell enjoyed my conversations but I already knew them and they don't really fit into my social experiment. I'm going to the gym tonight after work and maybe I'll talk to someone there too. Last night Merry took me to her gym so we would work out together and however gay it sounds... I seriously had so much fun. I am really enjoying getting to know her better. Her older sister was one of my best friends in High school so I've known her for a while but we never really got to know each other well. I'm seeing so much of me in her it's scary sometimes... but that's the best. When you can just be friends with someone and it's easy. I love easy relationships. Ones that just happen. Having her as a work out buddy is going to make this weight loss thing totally do-able (like yo mama).

Are "your mama" jokes out?

Did I ever know what was in?

Do I even care?

Complaining about being lonely and then doing nothing about it was pathetic. I'm really trying to reach out and in return I'm getting great feed back and feeling better about everything. Tonight me and 4 girl friends are going to karaoke and drinking till we find the most mundane things hilarious, which in itself is hilarious. Girl friends are why God invented women. I'm sure of it.

Look at my nephews noodley hand! I love how
mini he is. He's my one true love.

remind me again why I need a man

2011-01-20T09:18:00.002-05:00

I've had an interesting thing going for the past year and a half or so with David... and by interesting I mean not exactly how I ever saw myself treating a relationship.

I never wanted to be the girl who waited around, or the girl who knew the guy she'd just broken up with was the one and was absolutely positive he was just delusional and would come around soon. I didn't want to have to justify his behavior, I didn't want my mother to not like him because of how he treats me, I didn't ever want to become so depressed that I needed a therapist, and drugs. I never saw myself wondering every single time I saw him if he'd fall in love with me again, and I never expected to be in love with someone who was putting up a wall keeping his feelings for me in because he didn't understand them or know how to deal with them.

I wanted someone who loved me, and never worried what that meant. I wanted a guy who my mother liked because she saw how happy I was. I wanted someone who supported me and helped me make my decisions. I wanted to know I was loved, and that no matter what happened, I'd always be loved.

I'm 22, I've got time. I'm not in a rush to find a guy who fits the bill (oh, and left handed, not sure why but I love the lefties) I just need to make sure that I don't let myself slip back into that things I was with David.

I want his friendship, but no more. And I want him to view me as a friend. I think that no matter how stressed this time apart has made me (and I'm doing better, I do have a lot of friends, I was just so codependent on him for so long it seemed like and entire half of me was cut off when he decided he couldn't keep having me for all of his emotional support) it'll show me exactly why I originally decided to only want to be his friend in the first place months ago.

I set down rules about how we were to act, and they got broken (guilty, but so was he). Then they got broken again. It sucked because every time I tried to put my foot down about what I wanted from him he disregarded my wishes. I should have seen this as disrespect a long time ago. Now, when he finally decided he wants what I've been asking for all along his word is final. I don't ever want to be with someone who doesn't respect me, and who treats my wishes as though they matter less than his own.

I've started hanging out with and talking to more people than I did before. I have always had lots of people I got along with, it's just hard to get together as often as I like to see people with everyone being grown up and either in school, working, or both. It's hard to find a best friend... most people already have one. But, it's not hard to find people to reconnect with. Ellen and I now get to see each others faces again and it just reinforces my feelings of deep passionate girl love for her. I've been seeing a new gent and I'm still not ready to talk about it, but he's not from match dot com and I really like him.

At this point we've only had three dates and I won't mention how slutty I've been... but, he is an amazing kisser. Real hands on. If it weren't for the fact that I play a quasi slutty girl in the movie of my life I'd kiss him for hours. He is also a really great to snuggle with. And left handed. And he admittedly likes musicals and reading. The only problem is his bed only has two pillows. Whose bed only has two pillows?

Enough of that, I'm not talking about it. I don't want to jinks it.

my best friend is beautiful

2011-01-19T09:16:00.001-05:00

I hope she doesn't kill me for this, it was too funny not to post. Now that I have a web cam and am all trendy and shit she an I have skyped twice.

Like I thought it would be, it's slightly awkward, but I love her so I'm pushing through. Seeing her face has significantly improved my life.

Also, I made her take me on a tour of her room and she held me up to the mirror. I got to see my face in Geneva! I was there, in Switzerland! Ka-razy, I know.

Basically this is a cop out post to show you that I'm cool and modern with the internet and stuff. I am also trying to avoid talking about my personal life for a while because I have some good (really good) things I'm not quite ready to reveal and I've been posting too much drama lately. Too much. I don't want to read that crap, so I won't write it anymore.

So, if you have a skype and want to be internet savvy with me just ask and I'll send you my name! We'll be like real life friends since we basically already know everything about each other and will have heard each others voices! Maybe I'll even do a video blog or something.

THE book

2011-01-18T13:19:00.001-05:00

A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

There are few things I love more than reading. And, some days I love nothing more than reading. So many books make up a part of who I am because as i read them I change... I think that's the best part about a novel. By learning what the characters leaned in the same way and time the characters learned them, you become a better person. The lesson was real to you because you were there every step of the journey.

I'm going to talk about three books, that taught me three different things.

1. Harry Potter

Harry Potter changed my views on reading. Before I discovered Harry, I hated reading. My parents made me read out loud to them on an almost daily basis to make sure I was doing it. I was one of those painfully sad ignorant people who made fun of the book nerds.

*I'm sorry book nerds*

Once I discovered that I just didn't really enjoy boring books (such as children's books about babysitters and clubs) and I did wait till the 4th book was out to start reading them, which is where it switched from children's to more young adult style, I was out and in the world of reading like it was my job. I plowed through them because I love it. There was no other explanation than my life was changed for the better, by Harry Potter.

2. The Lovely Bones

The Lovely Bones changed my views on death. I'm not exactly scared of death more or less than anyone. I feel like I have a regular sense of curiosity that comes from wondering what, if anything, lies beyond. But The Lovely Bones made me feel really peaceful with the idea of what could happen.

The girl was raped and murdered, she had one of the most horrific deaths imaginable because we saw not only how she died, but her killers life and her families lives for years and years. But, this book, this story, makes it okay. It makes everything okay. It shows that no matter what, you'll get past it. And even though time may heal the wounds, sometimes it wakes a really long time. But that's okay, because you really will find a way as long as you keep trying.

3. A Tale of Two Cities

This book changed my views on love, war, and classical literature. I loved this book. I will be reading it again shortly because I really want to and it's still winter. I think the best time to read classic novels is in the winter. You can't really dive into a tougher book while you're listening to kids screaming and playing in the pool, or birds chirping calling you to come play. And, by you I mean I. I need to be snuggled up, drinking coco, or coffee, or tea. I need to have soup breaks and take a hot shower to clear my mind. This book is intense, and intensely beautiful. There is nothing more loving than self sacrifice, and there are so many people willing to give up things for the ones they love.

Dear Anonymous

2011-01-17T12:54:00.000-05:00

Dear Anonymous,

I want to thank you. Not for putting me in my place, because you didn't, but 1) for finally commenting. and 2) for pointing out the things I've omitted from my blog over the last 6 months.

I haven't been clear about mine and Davids relationship because I'm sort of embarrassed by what it is (was?) and his mother sometimes reads this blog. David rarely does, he's too busy with his techie sites that update every five minutes to read this. Plus, since I talk to him on almost a daily basis, he basically knows everything that goes on here.

David and I have been really really close since we broke up, and since I've started therapy our relationship started to flourish. As friends of course. He didn't want that with me and I respected his wishes.

However, I do mean flourished. We spent the night together about five nights a week because we both love sleeping in the same bed as the other... at night, that was the only time we held hands. Sometimes we would kiss each other on the cheek or forehead, but that'd be it. No more. We were friends. Only.

Emotionally, we were attached at the kidney. I told him everything, he told me everything. We were basically in a relationship (his words, not mine) without actually being in a relationship. We said, "I love you" all the time, and there really were no boundaries (except sex).

When you're connected to someone like that it's hard to not feel love for them, I don't think I was being crazy.

As far as me not wanting him to date anyone verses this particular girl... I'm going to keep this as simple as possible because it's not my place to air others dirty laundry. It was not just because he was seeing someone. David has been on a date since we broke up, unfortunately the girl was seeing someone and he hadn't realize it so it just turned into a hang out. But, before I knew that I was still happy for him. I want David to see people. But, the way he and this girl started out was not good.

It was at a party that he and I had thrown together and invited her to. After I went to bed (in Davids bed, per usual, waiting for him to come) she sent him a text asking him to fool around. She and I were friends, we met through mutual friends and hung out a few times... I did consider a friend. That was not cool. That was what upset me most. There are right ways and wrong ways to do things, that was shady, underhanded, and disrespectful. I have a right to be hurt by someone disrespecting me.

Finally, David admitted to me that the main reason he went out with her the second time was because he was so angry with me. He did it to spite me and hurt my feelings. He did it because he knew it was a good way to get those things done. Now, he's trying to fix it. He's trying to earn my trust back and treat me like I deserve to be treated. David broke up with me because the depression was causing me to be distant and a push over. Now that I'm getting better and standing up for myself he doesn't know how to deal with things. That, however is not my problem.

I hope I have cleared things up for you Anonymous, because I really do like having readers who comment even if they don't agree with everything I say or do.

Denise

If you're confused as to why I'm writing this please click here and read the comments

Lets end this week on a positive note

2011-01-14T12:57:00.000-05:00

There is nothing better than having one of the worst days in your life then waking up the next morning and without really trying everything is a little better.

Sleep helps. Alcohol also helps. I may have found the only drink I'll ever need last night. It was called a POM Sake Martini from Ruby Tuesdays. I have been searching the net all morning for how to make it with little success. I may have to just go back and flirt with the bartender till they tell me how to make it. It was so good.

Oddly it had a really comforting smell. The smell may have been why I loved it so much. I started out by saying it reminded me of my childhood... then realized that saying booze reminded me of my youth was a little weird. Then I said it reminded me of my Dad, which was also awkward. However, since I can't think of anything else, and it really does remind me of my Dad and my childhood while simultaneously being delicious and smooth, this is my new favorite drink and I will tell people why I love it.

Yesterday I found out that my friend who David had made out with on new years was hanging out with him again. I thought this was great because David needs friends and she is an awesome girl. However, I then discovered that they had actually been on a date, after I explicitly asked them both not to and explained why I felt the way I did about the situation and they both said they wouldn't.

I was so upset. How could he do that to me? How could she do that to me?

Asking David not to date my friends is one thing. It's too close to home, and the way these two got together is infuriating because it was right behind my back and very shady... but I feel like having to ask my friends not to date David should be unnecessary. I shouldn't have had to ask her not to in the first place, let alone again.

I don't want to seem like a crazy territorial bitch pissing all over the place to ensure that no one trespasses on my property, David is not my property. My friends are not my property either. But where did the bro code go? Where did not dating your friends ex's go? Where did doing things you feel guilty about... then doing them again become okay behavior?

I don't know, and obviously not everyone thinks the same way I do, but I do think that it's a little ridiculous. I'm just frustrated by the whole thing, that's all.

It's over, hopefully for the last time. David said he wouldn't see her in a romantic setting again.

I don't like this part of my personality; the jealous, green part. I don't like having all these feelings I can't rationalize... except, with this I have rationalized them. You can't be my friend and date David. End of story. My heart couldn't take it. I don't think it's that much to ask.

But, it is the green monster... and I am the meat it mockingly feeds on.

Good news is I actually do feel better today. I went out last night and had fun. I discovered my new favorite drink ever. I potentially have a woman date with my gal pal Merry, and I've been texting Adrienne all morning. Ellen emailed me and it's almost like a drug how much that lifts my spirits. My massage is tomorrow and let's all just try to relax till then so it can do the most good.

Hope your weekends are all exactly what you need them to be.

therapy thy name is blog

2011-01-13T08:30:00.001-05:00

Something or Someone you definitely could live without.

My life is full of crap I'd like to get rid of, my messy mother still living with me after nearly three months, my bee eff eff for life traveling the world (I wish she would travel the world, fo realz... I just miss her *sad face*), my inability to digest milk... and what the glass I had for breakfast is doing to me (and my office) right now. It's just, you know, indecision again. Do I really want to get rid of those things?

I wish my mother would go home where she belongs, but I don't want her out of my life. She's one of the few people out there who talks to me even though I'm a neurotic bitch sometimes. She cleaned off my car yesterday morning before work and I yelled at her for coming in my room while I was mostly naked. I didn't even say thank you. Sometimes I'm horrible.

I just textd her, I feel better now.

I want Ellen to be in my arms, so I can share my lactose intolerance with her... kidding, (yea right, what fun is gas if you can't share it with someone dear to your heart?) But, I know how meaningful this trip is going to be for her, plus it'll get easier in a few weeks when we both get a hold of our lives without each other. I have a feeling (more than a feeling... more than a feeling...) something great is going to happen to her while she's over there. So, obviously that's not what I'm going to choose either.

I think I'm going to go with something; someone seems to harsh.

I shall not banish anyone from this point forward, lest I be banished for karma's sake.

I am borrowing from someone I know's answer because she borrowed my new years goal... whatever, originality died with Mark Twain.

Sadness, but not in the sense that I want it to go away, I'm a firm believer in balance and that without sadness there would be no joy; for how is one described but in opposition to the other?

I'm feeling like my writing style is bordering old timey today... bear with me, it's just how it comes out. You should be glad I don't censor.

There is a lovely quote by someone and it sort of goes like this:

-Only when one has been in the deepest pits of despair can he truly know joy.

Sorry I don't know anything today, but I do know I either read or heard it somewhere. That's the truth.

Basically, I know I could do without it for a while because I've been feeling it for so long. Depression hit me hard about a year ago, but I'd been slipping slowly for almost a year before that. Now I may be on the uphill battle out, but I'm in no way in the clear. Every day is a battle of me fighting against my thoughts, I have to work so hard not to bash myself up about the silliest things. When I feel like I'm slipping I slip more because I'm so afraid to be that girl again.

The girl who won't go out because she's afraid she won't know anyone or have a good time, so she stays in, crying on the living room floor. The girl who won't call people because if they haven't called her... they must not want to talk to her. The girl who goes home from work every day, watches tv, then goes to bed by 8:30 because she's emotionally drained from just keeping on living for one more day. The girl who thinks about disappearing. Forever. Because life is too hard, and no one really needs her anyways.

That girl.

She's the one I fight with every day; she's there in the mirror when my clothes fit too snug or my hair won't stay put. She's the one crying when she can't figure out how to clean the kitchen because, "where do I start first?" She's the one who I see in the rear view mirror when I am driving because other people are scary... and her anxiety is pretty bad when other drivers try to kill her.

I could do without her. I know I'm better for being her... for learning how to not be her. But I'm so tired of her, so tired of every day fearing that something out of my control will push me over the edge. I wish I could rid myself of that fear, of the doubt that comes from knowing I might not be strong enough to deal with things today, of the sadness that follows the doubt, because I want to be more than I was... and I'm not all the way there yet.

LBB, hows that for using you as my therapy?

so lonely... want to cut my eye balls out

2011-01-12T12:41:00.000-05:00

I've had the flu, that's why you got a half assed redundant post yesterday. i should thank Ramblings again for asking me to guest post while I was well because for the last few days I've been quarantined in my room so my nephew didn't get sick and bored out of my mind. There is something to be said about someone who is too tired to sleep. I was very tired, and I slept so so much.

I miss Ellen more than my life. This shit with David has started pissing me off because it happened the same week Ellen left me to be a big world traveler... and a week before Kyle and I decided to cease physical contact... as well as other contact because he thinks, "it will be awkward, " and I think that if I need to convince anyone why they should be my friend I probably shouldn't want them in my life to begin with.

So, friendship and sexy time over.

My heart is breaking, not because of him... but because I now feel like I've got no one. Everyone is back in school which means that if they're not in class they are studying (or practicing, or observing, or student teaching) and they don't really have time for little ol' me and my dire need for human contact other than my mother who still won't go home or my older sister who isn't exactly the best person to talk to about things.

I've been whoring myself out on match dot com so hard I think my finger tips are raw... and if that doesn't make you hot in the pants I don't know what will. I've already read two books this week, and for me that's a lot. And I mean week as in the last seven days, not this week starting Sunday. I'm not insane...

Although, I skipped my therapy session today because the weather sucked so bad and I didn't realize it and left my house too late. Good news is the therapist was late too, so when I called after having been driving for 20 minutes and only going 4 miles and canceled I don't think I'll be charged. Not that it matters, the hospital just writes it off anyways. But, because I missed that I may actually be insane and we just don't know it yet.

This is what the roads looked like, no shame

because I was going an average of 8 miles and hour.

I'm desperately lonely, does that count?

Also, I think this car looks like it has a butt hole.

go read me there

2011-01-11T09:12:00.001-05:00

Guess what I'm doing again???

Guest blogger! Ramblings of a Singleton is doing a theme of resolutions, and... since you love me so so much, why not head over there and read about mine.

If you're not a reader of ramblings you really should be, single or not. It's mostly a compilation of guest bloggers who talk about a certain weekly subject giving incite into the world of dating, singledom, even relationship advice... for those of us who may or may not be relationship challenged. Unique approaches to the crap people deal with every day, it's a great way to get unique perspectives on things you didn't even realize other people saw in a different way.

Go forth, read.

the best thing that's happened to me all year

2011-01-07T14:41:00.000-05:00

I have two therapists now that I see every other week.

One is a psychologist... or talkey doctorate type person who is not a medical doctor, and the other is a psychiatrist- talkey type who is also a medical doctor and can write me prescriptions.

This has little to do with the awesome thing that happened, it just will sort of paint a picture for you. My psychologist and I are working on my stress... and how to control it, see when it's coming, not freak the fuck out, and basically she helps me talk through things that I can change in my life and we make plans on how to change them.

I set little goals for each week for myself and the thing that has been stressing me out majorly for the last few months is my nursing entrance exam... see, I am smart, but I hate studying. So smart that I actually rarely need to study because if I pay attention in class (which I do) and take good notes (which I also do) I can basically breeze through any subject. Except maybe Latin, I should have studied more for Latin.

So, my goal I set for before Christmas was to study for this freaking test and if I passed I'd reward myself with a massage. The test was this morning... I probably studied for 15 minutes just to review basic math, and even though I felt like I was for sure going to fail the science part, I got one of the higher test scores of the people who are applying for the May session! That, with my 3.0 average for the University of Akron basically means I will more likely than not be going to school very soon and graduate 20 months from then with a RN degree. I'll be able to save lives and poke people with needles.

passing was a score of 58 or higher, I got a 74! With really no studying...

I can now get the massage I already purchased from groupon and since my stress load is significantly lightened by this passing of the test, I think the massage will just be perfection.

final one, I promise

2011-01-06T11:09:00.000-05:00

This might be the only time I ever post this many times in a week, but I've actually got things to avoid today and blogging is my solid plan to continue avoiding doing those things. Remember how I said work sucks lately...? Well, it's still sucking. Hellooooo blogger, take me away.

I've started this paragraph at least three times but they all just seem pathetic. My first attempt was talking about how lame I was last night and actually hung out with my family... then I was talking about how since I don't have people to talk with I have started listening to radiolabs in the car... see? I am glad I didn't write those things. They are pathetic.

I heard through the grape vine (Bobby) that David is still mad at me. More and more of me is thinking that it really will be for the best to just cut it off at the root. I don't need him, he's only been in my life for two years and I never needed him before that. What strange masochistic part of me thinks I'll need him after?

I had therapy again yesterday and again, it was fun. I feel weird for saying that, but my psychiatrist is way more involved in conversation that my psychologist. She's laughs at my jokes, she reacts to my stories, she asks me questions... She wants to see me every other week for a while and this excites me. I love having people to talk to, even if I'm paying them.

friendshipmatch.com, where are you??

So, based on her brilliant medical questioning I talked my way through how exactly I'm feeling about David and where I want to be with him and what part I want him to play in my life. I divided it into three half's, because my feelings about it all are really strong, too strong to be just a third of things.

first half: I just want David to be my friend. I need him, he gets me and puts up with me and together we're hilarious. No hankey pankey, no cuddling, just the comfort and support that comes from a great friendship.

second half: I want to be his wife goddammit! I want to have me love him and he love me every day for the rest of forever. No drama because we both know what we want from the other person and we are exactly what they want/need without even trying. We live in Oregon with no children and a really great dog that I take running on the beach every morning and David and I spend the evenings cooking together and watching the stars and listening to the water.

third half: I want to move on. I want to find a man who loves me with no questions. One who looks at me and never doubts the decision he made to be with me forever. One who potentially wants kids because I potentially want them... potentially. I want to be able to feel confident in myself and in my relationship and never look back on this time and worry if it'll ever happen again, because with future mister whatever his name will be there won't have been a point where we weren't together. We're so in love, not gushy gross love, just powerful, real, deep love that not being together is out of the question. It just doesn't make any sense. I want to be allowed to feel that.

As long as I let myself I'm amazing at moving on. I keep what's good, rid myself of what isn't and find my new place in the world as I move through it. I can do this, it's just hard because I don't know what I want... and sadly it's not entirely in my control. I can choose to walk, that's really the only thing that's all me... But if I choose to stay, if I want to stay, it's not just my decision. I can't make David feel any way other than how he feels, I can't make him take down his walls and come to terms with the truth about his emotions. I don't know if that alone will make me choose to go, but it just might, I can't stand relying on anyone else to hopefully make the same decision I will.

Next post will actually be interesting, I promise.

do better

2011-01-05T12:10:00.001-05:00

I want to thank every single one of you for being awesome. I actually didn't expect a single comment yesterday and you guys just came though. I sometimes worry about gushy posts that are all, "I am a girl, I have emotions. Read about them," but you guys are so cool about my feelings and thoughts. I love you! *hugs*

/strange emotional girliness

A few things, Erika commented yesterday that she wanted a match.com for friendship, and I've seriously had this thought so so many times. Erika is my blogging soul mate, she's my life twin. I can't believe she had the exact same idea I did. KA-razy! Maybe if she and I patent it we'll make millions and never have to work again. Work sucks lately.

I seriously think that if I can make it through the next few months without David then I will just move on (Casey, you do not sound like an old woman, you sound like a smart woman, and I appreciate all your advice). I don't know why I'm limiting myself with thinking he is the only guy out there who I'll ever love. I was miserable with him for so many reasons. I've been happy with what we've been for the last 5 months or so because, like I said yesterday, it's easy. Who doesn't want an easy relationship? No one, that's who. Every relationship starts out a little rough because you don't really know each other and getting used to the other persons way of doing things (sense of humor, speech patterns, if they are a bed hog or not) takes some getting used to. Since David and I'd gotten past that, it just made sense that we were somewhere easy because he put up a wall to keep his feelings about me at bay (why do guys do this?) and I am just too easy going to cause fights, unless of course menstruation and the like take over the reason centers of my brain then we're all just screwed.

Kyle and I were talking about it (he has become my new vent, he and you, my blog, shall carry me through this time of my friends absence) and after he and his fiance broke up (because she cheated on him...) they tried to stay friends but it was just too hard. So, he put up a wall and they didn't talk for nine months. Now he's "fine" -except for the huge wall and his fear of all things with a vagina- and they talk every so often. He misses her because she was his best friend, but he can't have a super close relationship with her.

I can't put up a wall. I don't know how; not to mention it's very unhealthy, emotionally. I'm all about feeling my feelings... and because of that I will have to take a different approach. Talking about it for one, and not blocking things just because they hurt. Pain doesn't necessarily make you stronger... it just hurts. But, if you choose not to feel pain you're also limiting your capacity to feel joy. The rule of actions and reactions; physics works with feelings too. All things, equal and opposite. Remember that.

I have done pretty well with my diet so far this year. My medicine has a side effect of weight gain but I've been really careful about not just eating because there is food and I can. I didn't even have any of the pies I made for Christmas. Two, home made pies including my own pie crust recipe, which I'll blog about soon for those of you who fancy pie, and I didn't even have one bite. Bobby obviously liked it because I found the empty pan in the sink and a few crumb covered plates in his room the day after I took the apple one to his house.

side note: not being there to clean up after Bobby and David will be, by far, the best part of this "exercise". I used to do way to much for those two, and now I won't be there to just clean as I walk by. I have a sort of problem when it comes to cleaning. My room, which is always a total mess (except for now because I've been a bit bored...) doesn't count. I love a clean space. It shows by the fact that I clean things as I walk by.

I'd kill for that kids metabolism. And to be 6'2... I'd rule the world if I was 6'2. So, I haven't gained weight, and I even lost a little. Not sure how much because I mostly hate scales, but I bought a sweater that was a little small and now it fits! That's how I can tell, by how things fit. I think that going on a diet slash get healthy ploy will be a great step in my real new years resolution of being happy. I'm not happy with how I look and feel. I won't be happy if I do nothing... so, I'm doing something. Not for David or any of my match dot com lovers, but for me. For my health, and for my happiness. I am actually sore from engaging in sexy time last night, my arms and my chest and my abs. I never get sore, not from sex. So, I guess that means technically I exercised yesterday too... right?

obviously I haven't made any decisions involving what I'm going to do about Kyle not wanting to date... I'll get back to you one that.

This post is already a bazillion miles long so I'll cut it here. I've been listening to some seriously interesting radio Labs about words and language, and although I can't tweet with proper spelling while I drive (whatareyougonnado?) I'm very curious to talk about it as soon as I'm done with the episode.

Happy Wednesday.

I like the dark blue

2011-01-04T14:03:00.002-05:00

I have been changing the look of my blog every other minute for a bit now and I am sorry for that, I need to find something and just stick with it... but, I can't find a good header photo and my computer is filled with mostly pictures of recipes... and I don't think that this blog is a good place for food photos, although I do love the way this looks.

Yes, I just whored out my cooking blog. I am glad you clicked on it. :)

Anyway, if you can think of a photo that is awesome or of something that reminds you of me that I should take a picture of... holla at me yo. I'm trying to make this blog feel like home. Maybe I should use a picture of pillows, I love pillows.

I wore sweat pants this morning to work tucked into boots. And by boots I mean leopard print slipper boots with a rubber bottom that I wear outside when the ground isn't wet. The weather has been pretty chilly here, but the snow melted last week and there is no water on the ground so slippers outside are completely acceptable. I think.

I just sent the longest email of my life to Ellen. It's impressive that she left yesterday and it's been maybe 27 hours since I've seen her and I can write her a book. I do have skill in the talking area. And, since a million and one things happened last night, I feel like that is perfectly acceptable.

David and I are taking some time apart... for our sanity, and for our relationship. Whatever exactly you classify it under.

He thinks he relies on me too much, and I agree. I think he doesn't appreciate me enough. He agrees. We both think that time apart will help us break out of this thing we are which is somewhere between dating and not. It's a really confusing place that involves spending lots of time together, one on one time, sleeping in the same bed often, saying, "I love you" on an almost daily basis, and not ever even kissing. We are basically dating, without all the hankey pankey stuff and I didn't really realize it till Kyle said it, and then David said it. It's true. We were everything for each other that a significant other would be sans the physical stuff. Emotionally, we were hooked. Are hooked. I'm obviously still hooked on him.

The most important thing that was discussed yesterday was us, the future us. He asked me where I wanted to be with him and I said that in 10 years I wanted to be married with no children living in Oregon. I want him because through internet dating and the whole 5 people I've met (and the slew of crap that I've decided not to meet) I've realized that he's perfect. We love all the same things, but also have out own interests that can keep us occupied and not too involved in the others life, we agree on almost everything from politics to religion, we have fun and it's easy. With him my heart is content, and there really doesn't seem to be someone out there who'll do it for me like David does.

attn: This does not mean I'm going to stop looking. match dot com is fun, I've met some great people, some crazies, yes, but friends too. Not every internet crush pans out to be love when you meet in person. And that's okay. I'm still looking to find love, the internet seems like the most logical place to do that still.

I told him that whenever he started to date someone else he'd have a great time for the first few months, and then he'd realize that everything that was missing in his relationship was me. He'd see soon enough that the reason we are the way we are is because we rock hard core together and no one will do for him what I do for him. He said that no matter how true that was, he wanted to find out for himself, which I respect. I want him to be happy just like I want me to be happy, and I know that no matter what happens we'll find some way to be involved in each others lives; I think we just really need this time apart to remember why we love each other and to see that there is no reason to not be together.

He said that if it's meant to be he wants to fall back in love with me; to feel a spark again. To forget why he wants me so much and then have me remind him.

It's almost like a Nicholas Sparks novel... I hope I don't get cancer.

With Ellen in Geneva and David and I limiting our contact for a while, I'm on the market for a new best friend. Those interested may submit and application in person or online, please attach a head shot.

Requirements: laughs at my jokes. Humors me, often. Reads Harry Potter. Likes gay people. Enjoys the occasional drink. Is willing to listen to me talk about my poop.

And thinks stuff like this is hilarious and therefore sends me pictures of them .

Photo credit: my sister

Top Gear is too wonderful not to love.

yup yup yup

2011-01-03T13:05:00.001-05:00

It's Monday, and it's a brand new year, and I am looking forward to so much more.

Over the weekend I hosted a party, which went spectacularly despite my multiple mental break downs, the fact that I started drinking at three pm and was drunk by three thirty, and a minor mishap where David and one of my friends made out while I was sleeping in his bed.

All I have to say is that my feelings were really hurt, I didn't eat for two days and sleep... well, I slept last night finally so that's all that matters.

I also told David and this friend of mine (who I really am still friends with, she's a great girl; David is just a sexy irresistible bastard who gets hotter and flirtier when mixed with the alluring booze) that they were not allowed to date.

Being in love with someone when the time isn't right and there are a lot of outside factors causing you to not be with that person is a hard cookie to chew. My friend actually said the best ting to me, she said she either hopes I'm able to move on, or that everything works out. I honestly don't think I can hope for more.

Other shit piles in my love life: Kyle, my match dot com lover, has informed me that he doesn't want to date me... he just wants to be friends with lots and lots of benefits. I haven't decided exactly what I am going to do about this because I really enjoy hanging out with him and making of the whoopie, but I met him over two months ago and we'd been talking for a whole month prior to that; I think three months is enough time fooling around to make a decision. If he's not ready to date anyone, he shouldn't have been on match dot com. I'm not here to make you less lonely, I'm here to find someone to love.

The other match dot com-er I mentioned a bit ago who was potentially wonderful, turns out to be potentially crazy and has lots of issues including a fear of abandonment, not able to take a joke (but he can sure dish them out), inability to see any given therapist for more than 2 appointments or take a prescription for more than a week, anger issues, and gets roaring drunk very often and then drives. He also loves to read, but refuses to read Harry Potter because it's "lame with magic and stuff". Obviously we aren't meant to be.

New years wasn't all bad, my older sister turned 24 yesterday and I took her and the little sister to see Chronicles of Narnia (which was awesome) and I had a blast at my party. I didn't find out about the slutty David incident till the morning, so that whole night was amazing. I woke up with three new bruises and confetti under my boob. I think that qualifies as an evening well spent.

Ellen left for her semester abroad in Geneva this morning, and I haven't cried yet but I have almost texted her three times. Not having her here is going to suck and be weird. But, good news for all of us non studying abroad types, she promised to blog about it and you can follow her here. That way we can all enjoy a country I've never been to together and stay in touch with my best friend.

looking back... and forward.

2010-12-29T12:47:00.002-05:00

I looked at my resolution list from last year and besides the fact that it was gross (being a girlfriend is weird for me, I don't like that girl, she's sappy and strange and I am glad she doesn't exist anymore) I actually accomplished more of my list than I thought I would.

I had a goal to read twice as many books as in 2009, and looking back on my literary year I think I blew that one out of the water. I can't remember how many I read this year or last, but i do know that I read a shit ton and for that I am very pleased.

I wanted to join a choir, and as my father says, I have commitment issues and a two practice one performance choir is just my thing. The songs we did were beautiful and I felt awesome singing and being part of a group again. I have no desire to join anything more permanent at this point, so that was a great way to feel good and sing without being overwhelmed in the commitment area.

I actually paid off all my college debt (not the student loans, just the debt that was preventing me from even being able to attend another school. Go me!Oh, yea, and thanks Dad, you're awesome.

letting my hair grow out was a huge task, but I've done it and maintained it.

where I was about a year ago, ignore the pseudo sexy face... please, for the love of God ignore it.

and... look at that length! I'm amazing.

I did not: start school, lose 30 pounds... (maybe gained a bit, oops), audition for a play, or the gross thing with David and love and grossness... but I'm okay with that. Which I guess means that I accomplished my goal of being happy with where I am.

I am happier, so much happier; without all the work I have done for me this year I would probably be splattered on some concrete something right now, because that's where I was headed. Since August I've changed my perspective on the entire world and the part I play in it and I know that no one could have helped me (other than my therapist and her lovely medicines). There is something really satisfying about being able to wake up and not dread every moment of your life. Four hard months of therapy and I feel like a new person, a new happy person.

I don't really know what I'm planning for two-thousand eleven, but that's not really a big deal. I always plan every moment of my life, and that wasn't working for me anymore. Going with the flow and letting my life just happen as it should seems like a lot better of a plan than planning all sorts of things and obsessing over their completion or not. Gaols are great to have, but not if you're being overwhelmed with so many of them that none are getting completed and you're in the fetal position crying in the corner.

Maybe the only goal I need is to remember that nothing is as bad as it seems.

can you try to hide your crazy, please?

2010-12-27T11:42:00.002-05:00

I guess that I should expect this, I mean, these people are from the internet... and we all know what that means.

There is nothing wrong with being a bit quirky, we all have our own things that make us particularly special and sometimes some people think those things are a bit weird. But, that's when we are allowed to hate people. You don't have to be nice to or friends with everyone, I don't care what kindergarten says... most people tend to suck. But, it's not usually on a grand scale or anything; we can tolerate them, work with them, and still have no desire whatsoever to pursue any sort of meaningful relationship with them. That's normal. Most people just end up becoming acquaintances.

The good news is that even though some people think some of our things are a bit weird, somewhere out there is a person who doesn't think it's that weird. They see us as unique, and they love it. Stars and the moon love. Want to take your weirdness and mix it up with their weirdness and make similarly weird babies love. And it's awesome. At least, I've been told.

The problem is, these internet people I've been meeting don't really hide their crazy, they throw it in my face and I am forced to deal with it. I don't really consider myself normal by any stretch of the imagination, I know I am a bit different, I like it that way, it gives me lots of opportunities to make other people feel uncomfortable and therefore make me feel awesome... but I am not really crazy crazy. Yes I am medicated right now, but more and more people now a days have anxiety and I feel no shame in admitting that I am getting help. That, right there, is the difference between my crazy and the internet people I have met recently's crazy.

I know what's wrong, I am making an effort, and I don't think that I don't need help. How can you see a therapist, but do nothing different? How can you see a therapist and get medicine and stop taking it after a week because it's not working? How can you know there is a problem and not try to find a solution? What possesses these people to think that getting a girlfriend is the first step to a happy life?

I mean, yes, I want a boyfriend, I want a husband, I want someone to love me forever... but I understand that the first step in me finding someone to love me was finding out exactly how I was supposed to love me. I know I come off as a bit cocky at times, but it's really just because I like who I am and really have no shame in making that fact known. I think that I am great, and it has taken me a while with lots of work to get here. I may physically repulse myself right now; but in the grand scheme of things, what I can't change (who I am) is pretty freaking wonderful. I don't try to make everyone happy anymore because I know I can't, and I shouldn't think that it's my responsibility.

What do you tell someone who has abandonment issues? How do you answer someone when they ask you the same question three times and won't listen to your answer?

And, what do you do when you actually like someone... but they aren't emotionally ready to start a relationship? Get the fuck off match dot com and figure out your shit then let me fall for you, because I am pissed that you're not ready and I am; and that you still want to hang out because I am really fun but there isn't a future in our plan because your heart isn't ready to think about that sort of thing yet.

Fuck me. I hate dating.

Oh, I hope you all had a merry christmas, mine was lovely. And, the bruise on my butt is a nice shade of yellowish green now, so go with that visual.

Merry Christmas Lovers

2010-12-23T13:08:00.000-05:00

My butt still hurts from falling Tuesday and I find it more hilarious every single time I remember how clumsy I actually am.

Once I was drunk, I feel like this has less to do with the story than most "I am so clumsy, hahahha, laugh at me" stories and I guess I'm just trying to set the mood.

When I drink I pee probably every fifteen minutes. Talk a bout breaking the seal, I can not go for the first three hours or so, but then it's so often I almost think I have a bladder infection. So, I'm on my 19 trip to the bathroom, I do my thing then proceed to the couch because there is always a point in every drinking adventure of mine where the couch becomes my best friend. I will grab myself three of four drinks and just camp out, continue to drink, but limit my opportunities to fall by not moving. It's a really good plan. As I am doing this David walks by the bathroom and stops, back tracks and looks at something on the wall. It's two smudge marks at exactly the same height as my nose and forehead. I honestly don't remember stopping to rest there, or accidentally hitting the wall as I passed, but that's not saying much because I don't remember things so well when I drink and it really does seem like something I would do. I mean, who hasn't walked across the room and gotten tired at some point and wanted to take a rest? Most of us just have things like pride so we don't rest most of the way to the bathroom. Along with common sense, pride is something else I lose when I drink.

I have this thing where I run in the winter, not like exercise or anything, more like to and from my car because I am freezing and want to get inside as soon as possible. Well, I'm sure you can imagine how that goes most of the time. I have gotten really good at catching myself though, because I slip so often. When I'm carrying things is when it becomes a problem. The other day I was walking out of the house and hit the ice and to catch myself I threw myself at the wall. It was pretty close, but I made it. Completely unscathed mind you, considering it was a brick wall that I threw myself at for protection I'm pretty impressed.

Two days ago I hit my head so fucking hard on my car I was sure I was going to black out. i still can't figure out how that one happened.

I don't go down stairs in socks because I have fallen down completely and slid down on my ass so many time I can't remember. If I can't hold on (or forget... like I said, forgetful while under the influence) it's almost a guarantee that I'll fall. Socks were not made for stairs.

Recently I fell between David's bed and the wall because he thought it would be funny to tickle me and push me there at the same time, once my leg couldn't hold me up anymore I was gone. And because he thought it was funny he wouldn't let me get up and continued to tickle me every time I tried. Worst ten minutes of my life. I fell with my one arm bent all up under me so I couldn't do anything because when I get tickled all my strength goes.

look, i'm in the ornament

I made coffee the other day and you wouldn't think it was possible but before I even took one sip I had spilled three times. Not even little spills, huge, multiple paper and regular towels spilled. My average day includes slipping and catching myself at least three times, running into at least one stable object that hasn't been moved in forever (note: wall) and spilling one sip of every single thing I drink on myself. I step on my cat or dog on a regular basis. I drop my phone or iPod at least once each, and I cut or stab myself with at least one cooking thing if I decide to do so. If there is heat involved you can almost guarantee I'll get burnt or close to it at least once. And, when the day is said and done I'll probably slip once more for good measure.

Thank you ladies and gentleman, have a Merry Christmas!

want to learn to make this pie? click here

it happened again

2010-12-22T11:48:00.000-05:00

I saw a picture of a kitten and now I absolutely need one.

I've needed a kitten off and on again for a while now, probably the past 3 years, but I've never been in a position to get myself one... which just sucks. Because I want one so bad! I want a baby something to love and have grow up knowing I will be it's mommy forever,and, since the sound of my nephew crying makes me want to gouge my eyes out... a human baby isn't something I desire. I desire a kitty baby. And I want it so badly my heart hurts.

Firetruck, I've gotten way too drunk two nights in a row. Last night I spent some good old fashioned hot tub time with an old boyfriend, a kid I made out with over the summer, and two other boys I had never really hung out with before but graduated with both of them. I was okay going thinking it was just the kid I made out with, my old bf, and I; but even with the addition of two more guys and no more girls it actually ended up being a blast. And there went my second bottle of Arbor Mist. In probably twenty minutes this time. I'm an idiot.

Merry Christmas.

I love hanging out with just guys. My two best friends are guys. I actually left them to see the others and they both turned into whiny bitches about me leaving them. It's nice to know I'm loved.

The good thing about being the only girl means no matter what, every single one of them is trying to get fresh with you; and since there are three others around, none of them are too forward. It was nice to get that conformation that I am still attractive. I haven't seen Curtis in probably a year, and you're aware of the fact that I am Tubbo McTubberson... well he's seen basically all of me, in my sexiest moments when I actually was skinny but didn't know it because God gifted me with boobs and a butt that I thought were a bad thing till I was about 20. I was afraid that he would be grossed out by how I look because I'm grossed out by how I look.

When I went to the psychiatrist instead of just my regular therapist so I could get some drugs she was trying to figure out exactly what was causing my no sleep. Aside from general anxiety she asked me if I was harboring any guilt for anything... I am no longer feeling like mine and Davids break up was all my fault, so, it wasn't that; but I did say out loud that I am not only furious with myself for gaining all this weight but also disgusted with the way I look and feel. That my friends, is guilt. And it causes a lot of insecurities. And sleepless nights.

But he wasn't. And we made out, and I remembered why I liked him so long ago. Tom, the boy from over the summer was the one who initially invited me and I wasn't really sure if I should go. See, I really haven't shaved since Saturday, and hot tubs tend to get your legs all up in each others business. I have soft skin, I mean super soft, so soft that even girls enjoy rubbing it, and coming in counter with so much man leg it was bound to be noticed that there was one too many sets of hairy legs. When I told Tom I wasn't sure because I hadn't shaved (it is winter, welcome to Ohio people, we don't shave in the winter here) he told me I had four hours to do so and I was getting in. It was a good choice. Hot tubs feel like heaven. Especially since I seriously fell down the stairs and now my butt hurts. Yep, that's how classy I am... 4 guys, and I fall down the stairs. Granted, they were covered in snow and ice. It could happen to anyone.

So I actually shaved my legs and they were the shining glory of the evening (I love having my skin touched, I'm a whore for it. Seriously.). Once again, nice to be touched, nice to be wanted. One of the main goals when I started seeing a therapist was to be able to be happy with myself and my choices without need for any sort of validation from anyone. I want to feel beautiful because I know I am beautiful. I don't want to have to have anyone else tell me anything for it to be true. I am so not there, but I feel like I am closer than I was.

Past me never would have even gone. She never would have even answered the text asking what she was up to. I would never have had plans with two groups of people, let alone ones that I'd never even spoken to before. I wouldn't have stayed out till three in the morning (that was my third time doing that this week, by the way) or even considered wearing a bathing suit in front of anyone. If I had fallen I wouldn't have been able to laugh it off I probably would have cried. I used to cry about everything. Now, only about half of what I used to cry about. I read a sad blog yesterday, that brought me to tears. It may have to do with actually knowing the author... but still, cried. What I'm saying is that I see huge strides, and I'm really proud of how far I've come; I'm just not completely there yet.

Clicking here should take you to a photo of Curtis and I at prom. I loved my dress. I want to get married in that dress. I can't figure out how to copy and paste from my iPod because I am at work, and facebook is blocked. Duh. Maybe when I get home I'll post the actual photo if I remember. I don't like to wait for my laptop to start up though, so no promises.

ten on tuesday

2010-12-21T13:01:00.000-05:00

As a blogger I get to do what I want. As a reader you get to read what you want. It's a really good thing we have going, I think we should make it official. Facebook official. Bring you guys home for Christmas dinner official. It'll be good, I've decided to make a ham.

First and foremost, thanks so much Yette for being an awesome swap partner. Turns out the Philippines are behind Ohio time zone by lots and lots of hours... thus it was morning there when it was night here and every time I talk to her I'm from the future. This amuses me far more than it should. Forgive me while I go shove more banana peels into my Delorean. Thanks. You can find my blog swap post here.
I got my kindle in the mail yesterday and its awesome! I haven't even taken it out of the box yet because my protector case hasn't come yet and I am going to be super careful with this one. I promise. Cross my heart.

I find it really ironic that my Kindle was perfect and tough until I ordered a case. Ironic in a bad way, like when you listen to the Alanis Moirssette song and actually find the things in it ironic.

my nephew is the cutest person on the planet.

I've decided that I will never be able to love anyone who won't read Harry Potter. I think that everyone is entitled to their opinion (as long as it agrees with mine...) and you aren't allowed to ever knock Harry Potter unless you've read them. Most importantly, you cannot possibly appreciate me if you haven't read Harry. He makes up so much of my weird humor that without at least partial familiarity with the material you'll never get me.
I'm getting some lovely sweaters for Christmas. I'm very excited about this.
Last night I made this awesome steak with mushroom sauce and a side of pierogies with mushrooms and onions. I washed it down with two amaretto sours and a bottle of Arbor mist. Arbor mist is really good, I know its basically juice and there really is never a good excuse for drinking the whole bottle of anything... but I was at my house with no where to drive and it's the week of Christmas. I'm pretty sure Jesus turned water to wine at some point so I think that it's all good.
The other day I ventured to Buffalo Wild Wings because I am almost addicted to that place (and Pita Pit... so gooooood) and something funny happened the next day. It wasn't my usual BW3's and on my bank statement it came up as:

Ellen is leaving in like five minutes to study abroad in Geneva for a whole semester. I am very excited for her but will miss her so.
I didn't get the job at the restaurant. Which really surprised me because like I said, I'm awesome. There was a personality test that I took and I know that is what made me not get it... not that I would actually know because they didn't call me at all. The problem is that there is nothing ever good about a standardized test. No one can strongly disagree, disagree, neither agree nor disagree, agree, or strongly agree on all the questions they ask. Why can't there be an essay? Why can't they just call your employers and ask? It's pure laziness. Plus, and I can't remember if I have said this or not, there are questions on there that I feel are extremely inappropriate. They ask some of the same questions my therapists office does... therefor they are taking away the step between my medical records being private and giving them self the ability to psychoanalyze me. I don't think this is even legal. And, it pisses me off.

All I know is that I still need another job but this week is not the time to worry about it. David, Ellen, and I have decided to have a potluck/New Years Eve party and well, there is Christmas to worry about so I won't stress myself out over something like that till next year.

the swap is on!

2010-12-20T11:09:00.000-05:00

Hi guys! This is Yette from Yettezkie's Doodles. I'm Denise's swap buddy from 20-Something's Blog Swap. I signed up for 20-Something's Blog Swap because I've always wanted to meet different bloggers from around the world, and upon receiving an email from 20SB's Chief Admin, DShan, I immediately opened it & checked who will my swap buddy be and collaborated with her on what we're planning to do next, with regards to the topic, etc.

Anyway, me and Denise are from different countries. I'm from the Philippines, and she's from United States. I'm 28 years old which makes me 6 years older than her, and I've been blogging for nearly seven (7) years now.

The Blog Swap's topic is entitled: "Action. What will you do next year that you've been putting off for too long?". However, Denise and I decided to go with a different topic. And since we're both single gals, we decided to go with the topic, The Advantages and Disadvantages of Being Single. So, here goes my topic & I hope you can relate to what I'm about to write/say... ♥

There are a lot of 20-something bloggers out there who are living the single life. Most of them are by choice and some of them are looking, but maybe, it's just not yet their time to find Mr. Right or even, a Mr. Right Now (that's a term I referenced from the movie, 'The Sweetest Thing'). As for me, I'm the one stuck in the middle. I know that it's kinda confusing, but in this particular topic, I go where the wind takes me. Me being single is not necessarily my choice, nor am I exactly on the lookout, if you know what I'm saying. Although I'm in my late 20's already, I'm not really in a do or die situation to get a love life or something. I'm just not that in a hurry, although sometimes, when times get really rough, I sure envy those of my nephews and nieces who already have their own bfs/gfs or already married (Yup, I already have 3 grand kids, while me, I don't even have any babies yet!)

Anyway, on to the comparison... :)

Freedom - Who doesn't like or LOVE freedom? Or at least for those who's often been in a relationship, who doesn't want to be free even just for a day? This is one of the many perks that 'singledom' has to offer.

Freedom entitles a single person to go anywhere, go with anyone, anytime without worrying about her beloved someone getting furious at her because he hasn't received any text message from her about her whereabouts yet. Sometimes, couples break up because one of them, just wants to be free. Freedom is a deal breaker.
Enjoy Dating - Date guys as many as you can! Go ahead! No one, and I mean, no one will get mad at you because it's just your right to get the most out of being single (unless your parents are uber strict even though you're nearly 25, lol). Just do it one at a time, and make sure though that you prioritize your studies first, in case you're still studying, lol.

This is one of the perks included in being single as well. You can date guys without thinking about any consequences or whatever. No one will tell you that you are being insensitive of somebody else's feelings, because it is well within your right to meet Mr. Right through the fun of dating. Enjoy as much as you can!
Go About Your Day Carefree! - Spend your entire day malling, hang out with your friends, family, go on vacation, or pretty much just sleep all day without having to text or call someone asking how their day went, tell them where you're planning to go and all that jazz. To some people, they find this quite bothersome because they really don't find the need to inform their boy friend everything. While to some, it's pretty okay with them, in fact they find it sweet that their boy friend cares about them. Regardless, singledom takes that obligation/responsibility away(as well as your love life) and leaves you with a carefree day.
More Time To Spend With Your Friends And Family - No boyfriend means no lovelife, no love life means lesser people to care about. Lesser people to care about implies more time not only for your family, friends but also for yourself. See, being involved with someone else divides your time into halves. Most people divide their time into two. The other half for their love life and the other half for their own life, which already includes their family, friends and the last one is for themselves. Yes it is quite hectic, but that's what most people prefer, and most of them are happy that way. Being single entitles you to spend a lot of time for all of those people whom you may have neglected while you were preoccupied with love, which already includes yourself. This is why most people choose this time to do a make over for themselves so that when they come back, they look a lot more hotter than ever. And they don't actually do this to show guys what they've been missing (although sorta..) but most of them are doing this for themselves, because admit it or not, we've spent too much time doing this for love rather than for ourselves.
More Gifts During Holidays! - This applies for those who are already married, or living together. Instead of receiving gifts for the both of you (as a couple), you get to receive gifts which are dedicated especially for you, during the Holiday season.
Your Main Responsibility Is Yourself And Yourself Alone - Being single takes off your responsibility to another person. You don't get to necessarily worry or inquire as to where he is in the wee hours of the night. Singledom offers you the freedom of not necessarily 'caring' about anybody else but yourself (except for your loved ones, of course). You're not really accountable for someones whereabouts since you're not involved with anyone.

Loneliness - Sometimes despite the freedom and the carefree existence, you get to feel lonely and wonder why you still have nothing. Especially me, at the age of 28, though it's not really too late for me, when I become overly emotional and when times get rough and I get to think about all of my problems, I over-think and wonder if someone is still coming. (Yes. Sadly, sometimes I do resort to self pity)
The Search - Singledom gets boring sometimes and even if you do enjoy the freedom, it's the loneliness that you sometimes can't stand. Therefore, you search. But the search ain't easy as well. As they say, most of the 'good' guys are either gay, or already taken (or perhaps both, lol). In my case, this happened to me once. He's already taken, and I thought he was gay when I first saw him. Lol.

The search can be really tiring and oftentimes, no matter how hard you try, they just don't wanna be found. They'll be the ones who'll find you...eventually...
Fifth Wheel or Being Left Out - It's kinda hard being the only single gal, especially here in my family. My siblings, my nieces (the ones who are already in their 20s) are already involved with someone else. My brother(+)'s already married at the age of 20+, my sister was married at the age of 18, my brother was married before finishing college, and my niece and nephew had their babies even before they graduated college! So you see my dilemma?! I'm the only one, the only one who's not yet married, hasn't settled down yet, or doesn't even have a boyfriend to introduce to the entire family. Damn! So in my case, I'm the fifth wheel. And it's a hell of a disadvantage for me, because I often get teased.
History 101 During Gatherings - Such questions like "Why are you still single?", "Do you have a boyfriend?" and if you haven't had a boyfriend for a long time, there goes the question "Are you still a virgin?" are the questions that I hated the most. Not because I don't like answering them (well, kinda...) but I just think that it's no body's business. Like I said, it's not really my choice, nor am I searching. I'm just going where the wind takes me. I'm available, but not looking. I don't need a history recap as to where I am standing right now. You'll know by the time a special someone because I'll be bringing him with me in special gathering just to avoid all the repetitive topics/questions.
Company - Fear Of Growing Old Alone - I'm not really thinking about this as of yet. I'm not yet worried, although it once crossed my mind, I'm not denying that, but this is not really my main concern as of yet. But to some who are already in their late 30's this has probably crossed their mind one too many times. It's okay if you're a guy, but as for ladies, it's different. Guys are far more forward than girls are and they have much more potential of finding love even though they are nearly forty because they're confident. Unlike us girls, most of us are pretty conservative and we still carry around that trait even though we're at our thirty's.

So, there you go. For me, those are my advantages and disadvantages of singledom. As for me, I value my single life as much as the other gal, but sometimes, I also would love love, love to have someone to be with. Especially during the Holiday season.

Anyway, this Yette from Yettezkie's Doodles, come visit my blog and see what Denise has to say about this topic! Oh, and Merry Christmas you guys!!!

Editors note: okay folks, Yette is obviously far better with computers and making things pretty than I am, so I hope you enjoy not only her writing but also looking at the cool stuff she can do with code. I hope you'll head over to her blog to check out my post as well, because... I require it of my followers that they actually read stuff when I eventually get around to writing it. Happy Monday, you had better start wrapping stuff, you've only got a few more days.

I slept like a baby

2010-12-16T12:24:00.000-05:00

As in, I woke up every two hours wanting something but I not knowing what because I still haven't figured out how to control my bowels or any other body part and was in moderate distress mixed with mass amounts of confusion.

I think that regardless of how true that sentence is (I can control my bowels thankyouverymuch), it's a good one and I'm keeping it.

Yesterday I went to a real prescription type doctor to have my crazy looked at and I got some pills to help with anxiety/depression and a sleep aid. It was one of the happiest days of my life. And, to make all things better they were each only $4... I love Giant Eagle and their crazy cheap drugs.

It was a really unique feeling to have my own sleeping medicine with my own name on it. I may or may not sometimes borrow sleeping medicine from Bobby, but when (if) I do I sleep so well. David told me I was saying crazy things once about baking and such (however, if you knew that some/most of my dreams involve baking* you wouldn't think it's that crazy), which makes me feel good about myself. I am always curious of the crazy things that come out of my mouth while I am under the influence of a drug.

I recall one time getting far too drunk for someone of 19 and telling my older sister she needed to respect her body more and that it was a temple of the Holy Spirit... I guess the more alcohol I have the more Lutheran I am, unless I'm on my back (or knees)... which happens sometimes when I have lots of alcohol. I'm pretty sure that's why people do naughty things with the lights off, it's hard for Jesus to see you in the dark. I'm done now. And as far as my sister goes, if she had just listened to me there would be no baby to speak of... people need to just listen to me. It would make their lives so much easier.

So, I took my very own sleeping pill last night and fell asleep some time around ten (after texting a super wonderful boy from the match dot com's who I'll tell you about later; but for realz, he's awesome and we talked on the phone for over two hours on Wednesday night and he reads books and likes poetry but looks like a lumberjack, I think I'm smitten), which is far earlier than normal and although I did wake up a few times in the night, overall I feel much better this morning than I have in a while. I did have a strange dream though about sitting on a bridge/floating walking path in a park and taking pictures. It was good because I was taking really pretty pictures and I vividly remember seeing colors. Did you know not everyone dreams in color? And, it's a genetic mutation to remember your dreams? Like the ability to digest milk, not everyone can do it and we really shouldn't be able to do either.

All strange science facts aside, I know that no matter if the anxiety/depression meds work or not (I won't know for two to upwards of six weeks) that sleeping will make a huge difference in how I'm feeling physically and emotionally. I've been increasingly irritable lately and I know it's about half from dealing with the stress of living with my sister and her baby that cries far too much and having my mother think it's okay to be in my house all the time because it's easier for her to deal with her crap marriage from there than living with my step dad... and the other half from the fact that I haven't really slept properly for the last seven or eight months. If I can eliminate half of the stressors in my life causing me grief I may be able to deal with the other half in a mature productive fashion.

Oh, and I love my Psychiatrist, she is amazing. She laughs at my jokes, reacts to my stories, basically she is really involved in conversation whereas my Psychologist just sort of sits there and I have to ask for her input. It was an interesting experience and I actually though that I had fun when I was done, which is sort of weird, but I'm sort of weird so I'm okay with it.

*I had a very vivid nightmare a while back that my mother left out my brown sugar and it got all clumpy. It was horrible. I was okay though when I checked and realized the bag hadn't been opened yet and my world still had the capability of being brown and sweet

without you...

2010-12-15T11:23:00.001-05:00

This was probably the hardest day of truth, which is why it's taken me a million years to finally decided what to write about. Or, who... to be exact.

Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

There are lots of "things" that I use every day, and I think my life would suck without them, and in reality it probably would, for a while. But, just like every other change in the world, I would move on and figure things out without it. No big, I'm independent! Right?

The idea of being dependant on someone makes me upset, it makes me feel like alone I am not enough; or, without the continuing aid from someone or many someones I wouldn't be able to function. But, I don't think that's the point exactly. I think I'm over reacting.

I know, what a surprise...

Life isn't about being completely self sufficient, there is too much to be missed by keeping your nose in the air and never accepting help from anyone. I need to stop doing that... people just want to help me, it's not that big of a deal.

Back to people I can't live without. This is so sketchy.. if the rest of this blog post seems jumbled and disconnected just know that I tried.

Ellen:
My true kindred spirit. I have no idea how we grew up to be almost the same person, but we've done it, and we get each other so completely and sometimes it's weird but most of the time it's awesome. She is someone I have known since before I can remember and by some random happening with Lutherans and Catholics we never went to the same school. Because of that and the fact that we were both very involved in extracurriculars we started to drift as we got older; and once I was 17 and stopped doing swim team in the summers it was hard for us to make time for each other because of boys and such. Ugh.. boys...

So, recently, we both came to our senses through lots of pain, crying, therapy, and many many baked goods. About the exact same minute David and I broke up Ellen and her bf of 2.5 years also split, and for lack of a better way to put it we both used each other mercilessly for comfort, someone to listen to us say the same things over and over and over again (guilty... What? Suck it!), and any slight comfort that could be offered to console our broken hearts. Not that I ever want anyone to break up with anyone

Except Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson, not that I have any sort of chance when she is THE EX, but I like to think that now that they are no longer an item I have that much more of a chance if sweeping him off his feet and into my warm bosom for any sort of comfort, I'm not picky...

but having Ellen be the exact same person at the exact same time made a huge difference in me learning about me and getting past that crappy part of my life and on to bigger (hehe... uhh...) and better things. And I needed her. Need her. Forever. She's my one.

So, basically, without her I am lost.

Andi:
Andi was my best friend all throughout High School and most of my "college experience" and then we moved in together and it all went to hell.

Tip for the overall happiness of your life: never move in with your best friend, ever. You won't like each other after the experience. Thank you.

Anyways, I'm pretty sure that aside from not having direction in my life anymore, the lack of a positive best girl friend relationship was the main cause of the start of my depression. Ladies need their girl friends, gays just don't cut it. Sorry homos, I love you, really, really really; but you'll never be to me what a girl friend is. Ever. And I am never going to let all my girl friends slip out of my life again.

Andi is hilarious, and she put up with my strangeness and only laughs at me 40% of the time. I've had so many moments with her that can invoke tear filled laughter with no real warning just by remembering bits of our strange love, and she is okay with never wearing pants when we're together. There really is nothing like not having to worry about pants, and if you have a friend who you can share that blissful state of being with free of judgement it's a good thing. Andi is my heart because she gives me glee. She is a great person, and that helps, she's passionate and smart and talented (so so talented); but aside from all those other things that just make her a well rounded individual, she can make me laugh (and I her) and laughter is why I love Andi. There is something to be said about someone who just gets you. It's best that we never try to live with each other again. Or, if we do, we become spinsters and never have boyfriends just eight or nine cats. I would love eight or nine cats.

how I got a Kindle for $64.00

2010-12-14T11:58:00.000-05:00

Because I am a clumsy whore and this is why I can't have nice things...

Anyways, I called Amazon, and get this, the people there speak English... real American English, and they can understand what I say! But I called them, told them I broke my screen and they said that because it's so old they can't replace it. Although, I can have a $75 toward a new one. A nice new black one.

I decided that I don't need 3G, considering the only time I am somewhere without wireless I'm driving or something equally not appropriate for book reading; so, I bought the one with regular wi-fi and it should come in a few days.

I think it's a sign from the Lord that I need to read my paper books, I have a huge pile getting larger and larger I haven't touched in far too long.

That sounded way dirtier than I intended it to.

In other completely non related news, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow who may possibly prescribe me something for my anxiety or my lack of ability to sleep. I'm looking forward to this more than anything I've ever looked forward to in my life.

I wonder as I wonder...

2010-12-13T12:29:00.001-05:00

I think starting my posts with lyrics to Christmas tunes is going to be something I'll try to keep up as long as they fit. Because being campy is okay this time of year and I still don't have a Christmas tree to put anything under and we all needs that extra little something to make stuff extraordinary...

I spent a good half hour or so with my nephew yesterday and all I have to say is that kid is a needy little effer... and it's not getting any better because we all love him so much that we just want to hold him forever, and kiss his soft strangely patchy head. The hair has rubbed off the top and the back is turning into a sexy version of baby mullet. He's still got his side burns, so you don't have to worry about that.

Yellow is not his color... but that face... I'm melting.

The best part is that when I sing to him he likes it. My voice sooths the baby type people; I get to work on my biceps (holding a kid is hard, he's about 12lbs) and vocal skills at the same time.

I figured I'd continue with the 5 things lists from last week because it's a good exercise and I am curious what I come up with.

Do you think about your blog posts before you even sit down to your computer or do you just let them happen? I'm usually 50/50... there are times when I know exactly what I want to say before I even type a letter, others where I have to really think about where my life is and what I think could become interesting read.

5 things I need to question when I meet someone new.

Google found a list of five questions, and I think they are actually good ones. So, I'll answer them.

What am I looking for in my soul mate?

I'm looking for my soul mate to be male, I won't be upset if it's not, I just would like a guy.
Someone who believes in monogamy. I understand that that behavior is popular nowadays, but I'm not interested in bringing it into my relationship. I know I get jealous, I work really hard to see things for what they are and not freak out... but sex with another person is still sex with another person, and I can't have that in my relationship.
I want someone who is affectionate. I love to show love; and I want someone who likes to show it too.
Intelligence/similar sense of humor
Family values
Patience (I am difficult sometimes, but I really do try not to be...)
Must love Gays... although, I feel that acceptance of all types of people would fit into intelligence.

My ideal soul mate would have brown hair and green eyes... but then we could run into a situation where people might think we look like siblings. But I just love green eyes, and dark hair. And I want him to be tall, however, these last ones aren't bulleted, because they don't matter. I'm only half shallow.

What qualities do I need to show to attract my soul mate?

I guess that when it really comes down to it this is the question I do not want to answer because it means talking about myself and what I either do... or don't do... that people I will love will be attracted to (or not).

comedy, in a cultured intelligent way.
no cheating, I can't expect it if I don't do it too
affection, which is easy since I am very affectionate (if I like you)
family values, which now is hard because I can't stand my mother or sister... gotta work on that
patience... hahaha, umm... okay, I need to be more patient. I need to relax. I need to stop catastrophizing. These are things I'm working on though, so just keep working.
Accepting. If people can see how accepting I am then I'll be a good heads up that I am looking for someone who also is accepting, of lot's of things, including homosexuality.
Driven... I have this problem with motivation because things tend to just work out for me with little to no effort... I need to get driven so someone who is will love me.

On a real life list, to attract someone I need to lose weight. My fat ass has too much junk in it's trunk, and I have already talked about that so I'll leave it there. I want to lose weight so I'll be more attracted to myself (sex with the lights on... able to wear my cute clothes... that sort of thing) and in doing so gain more confidence in the person I am on the inside. I have probably more confidence than other people my size, but that probably comes from knowing that the real things that matter are what's inside my head and not so much the other crap people spend so much time obsessing over.

What qualities do I have now that can attract my soul mate?

Hilarious, really. You think I'm funny reading me... just wait. I'm even funnier in real life.
Good Cook.
Affectionate
Family Values... sort of, all but the mother and sister for now
Accepting
Adaptable
Giving
Confidence
Singing skills
Intelligence
Boobies

Am I ready for a relationship?

Am I? I like to think I am. Here it gets sketchy because the website says to list five things from your past and find ways to close the doors on those relationships so you can open the doors to new ones... But, do you have to close a door to be able to move on? Do you have to decided that someone can no longer be part of your life so you can have someone else be your soul mate? I don't entirely agree with this, and here is why:

You are who you are because of where you've been, and who you were there with. I'm looking for someone to love the me that I am now, and I am proud of this me, so why hide that parts from my past that helped shape me? Why close the door on future learning opportunities? Why close the door on past learning opportunities? I am who I am, and I don't regret anything. I'm looking forward to taking the next steps in my life with every bit of knowledge that I have earned myself up to this point, and some of it was painful, but that just makes it all the more real. Yes, I'm ready to see someone new, and yes there are people in my past who I don't talk to anymore; but there are also very important people from my past that i do talk to. And I am not giving up a friend that means so much to me just to say I closed the door on a past relationship. That is not the best choice for me; loosing a friend you have no qualms with and you get along with and who makes your life better just by existing is an idiot decision, and I refuse to make it. Any intelligent gent who I hope to date will see that clearly, so I think the closing more doors thing isn't really what I need to do.

But I do need to figure out of I am ready for a relationship, and I think the answer is yes. I am ready to give parts of myself to someone and have them accept them with open arms. I am ready to see an individual in the special light that comes from dating them on a one on one level, and I am ready to do datey type things. I miss doing datey type things. I miss kissing someone just because I want to, and I miss saying, "good night, I love you,"... not that that'll happen right away. But I still really want there to be that someone who balances me out and keeps me chill.

Future Mr. Potter, where are you?

The last question is What do I need to do to appeal to my soul mate? ...but I think that I already answered that with the attraction question so I am stopping after four.

I don't know how people ever fell in love before the internet was there to tell them how to do it, seriously.

five no-go's

2010-12-10T13:59:00.012-05:00

I'm rarely looking for ideas for things to blog about. My life, it's so damn interesting. But, really, I do read a lot of interesting things because although I am fantastically creative and dynamic... okay, I'm done. I read a lot of blogs. I don't read every single blog by every person I follow, I just read a lot of them. Because, well, I'm "working" for 8 hours a day and while I may actually do some work, I have a lot of free time because I'm here when you need me, and also when you don't.

roads sucked today, in case you were curious.

Basically I read a lot of stuff; and although I think of good things to write about often, I wanted to borrow an idea from someone else. I think it's super applicable to my life since I'm looking for a future husband on the internet via a dating site and I am having trouble with one in particular because I know that bad parts about him... but I am not making any decisions about it.

Indecision, thy name is Denise.

So, over at Kissing and Disasters, the gals are coming up with things that the Millionaire Matchmaker is making her clients come up with. I have heard of the show, but never seen it myself, because well, I hate commercials enough to never watch TV. Netflix has really revolutionized how I am entertained.

List of things you have to do before you can start dating (match dot com should make people answer these questions) according to whoever it is that writes anonymous blogs...

5 things you have to ask yourself before dating someone.

5 things that you need to question when you meet someone new.

5 things that bring up red warning flags

5 things that are important enough for you to dump the father of your future beautiful children b/c they don’t agree with. (okay, that one may have been stretching the point a bit)

I haven't decided what all of these are exactly asking, but I'll decided later, possibly in this post, possibly not. I don't like to be committed to things so stop bugging me. I kid, you're more than welcome to tell me what you think stuff means, like if you watch the show or something and have a clue what to do... or if you're just smarter than I am.

So.... I'll start with 5 things that bring up red flags, because I have 5 that I know of off the top of my head. And, just like every other list I make these are in no particular order.

1. Likes Rap, like really really likes it. Rap is funny when you look at it as a joke, but as a serious form of musical interest...red flag!

2. Won't tell people we met on the internet. There is nothing wrong with the internet, it's here all my friends live, and lying isn't something I feel like doing to your parents when I meet them. If we met online we met online. I'll shut that awkward conversation up real quick and you don't really need a romantic "how did you two meet?" reenactment if people know you were in no sweat pants eating cheese cubes and drinking wine from a box while you opened your inbox to a message from the future Mr. Potter.

That's right, he is the future Mr. Potter because I have a better last name, guarantee it.

3. Doesn't like to read. I don't care if it's a particular website you have a crush on, the news paper, my blog, books, whatever; you have to read something. And you have to do it for the pleasure of it all. Someone who doesn't read probably doesn't enjoy other smart things that I love like Radio Lab or The Big Bang Theory. And if we don't share any interests... red flag

4. Bites his nails. This just grosses me out. So... red flag

5. Has a kid... I can't imagine the responsibility of a kid, especially one that isn't my own mistake, I mean miracle... (yea, sure I do) Children are wonderful, but I don't want to date a guy who has a connection to an ex forever because of a person that they are responsible for making and rearing. Not interested. red flag

Now, there are other things that I came up with, but I think those were more of deal breakers than red flags because a red flag can be gotten around. You see, I love that people are all different and finding out their little bits that make them who they are (and make me attracted to them for being special) is one of the great parts about meeting someone and dating them. But, you can only have so many red flags before I decide that there aren't enough good things to keep me interested.

ding dong merrily on HIGH

2010-12-09T12:30:00.000-05:00

I feel like I haven't been doing anything lately, just thinking about doing things... Story of my life. I am too good at procrastinating, it's a bad habit.

Yesterday in therapy I talked through my dilemmas with ... am I allowed to say his name?... Kyle and how I feel about him and us and me and all this shit because I pay far too much attention to everything.

If I say his name, does that make it real? Ellen and I call him BAM for a few unmentionable reasons, which ended up being a perfect name because he says, "bam!" Emeril style all the freaking time. Whatever, he is real, our "relationship" (or lack there of) is another story completely.

My main fear with starting another relationship is running into a place where I take too much solace in the relationship and ignore all the stressful things I ignored before by taking solace in my relationship. See, I was an idiot, and I was in love, and I made things a lot worse because dealing with things isn't exactly a skill I'm so skilled at. Now, ignoring things, I am bomb at that. Totally rad.

So, I am deathly afraid of losing my outside life, because with Kyle I get time off from my stress. He is easy to be with and hilarious in a lot of really enjoyable ways. I can go to his house and I don't have to hear a baby crying or have my mother follow me around talking because she thinks that's the best solution to missing me... and, I don't have to be alone in a crowded house. Kyle likes being with me, and when we're together I get a peaceful mind and a peaceful place to be myself (all but the farting, I still can't fart). So, I get a break, but I'm afraid to let that break become anything more. I can't let myself slip back into the person I am trying so hard to get past. The idea of that happening scares me more than anything.

But, everyone needs a break. I can't survive being this big ball of stress all the time. I need a break, and since my sister is probably the worst person in the world to live with (before the baby, now it's just awful) and my mother feels the need to be there all the time I don't have that at home. I haven't slept at home for over two weeks, and when I try to sleep there the baby wakes me up more.

Which double sucks because I already have a ton of trouble sleeping. My therapist says I do something called catastrophizing, which is a fancy word for I have a really hard time not seeing the worst possible outcomes for almost every situation. I thought it was control issues, it may still have a bit to do with that, my anxiety is the worst when I am not in control of something, or the control is taken from me, or someone else is driving. Someone else driving is horrible. But, it's more than that.

Recently I decided I need another job. Having two jobs would do wonders for me: I'd be able to have more money, less time to spend the money I do have, I'd be able to make more friends my own age, I'd be busy and would have something to keep my mind occupied (other than catastrophizing), and really, the money is a huge thing. My ideal second job is to be a server. If you've never been you won't get it, but it's really the best job. You get paid every time you work, in cash. You get paid more for working harder. You work 5 or 6 hour shifts and that's it. It's a great job to have as a second job or as a student. When (if) I start school in May, being established at a job like that would be ideal. Seriously, ideal.

But, my anxiety, it's so weird. Putting in the job application I was sure my legs would collapse out from under me. This is just putting in the application, which I already had filled out... Of course, as soon as I started talking to the manager about whatever you talk to managers talk about, I was fine. I didn't die or fall off the chair or make an ass of myself. Next, a week later I decided to call for a follow up because I hadn't heard from them and the person I talked to seemed like he was generally interested in me. Serving is easy, but not everyone can do it and I'm good at it so obviously they want me... So, I'm making this call, just a call, and I feel like my heart will beat out of my chest. I work on the phone for my job. I'm brilliantly professional on the phone. I have no idea what the heck my problem is. The man said he'd call me either that day or the next because he had just been busy but really had planned on calling me, I gave him my cell phone number and I didn't die. I was so sure I was going to explode or something.

About two hours later he called me and set up an interview for today during my lunch. Thinking about it is making my hands (more) sweaty and my heart rate elevated. I can tell because it's beating in my throat.

I don't know what I'm freaking out about, like I said, serving is easy, it's like second nature to me and I am good at it. There is no reason I won't be working there very soon and I just need to keep my head on. So, yea. I guess I'll tell you tomorrow if I have two jobs or not, that is, unless I spontaneously combust or something.

I just realized that the title doesn't really go, it was the song that was stuck in my head at the time. I know you're supposed to name stuff after, but I usually do it first: fun fact about me.

when you're empty and you're full

2010-12-07T10:36:00.000-05:00

There is this thing about me, I love musicals. Love. Really. Really really love musicals.

Over the weekend I saw Billy Elliot and there are a few things I realized about myself and the world... which is interesting because I've only seen the movie about a million times, and I saw the musical when I went to New York over the summer as well. I hate having epiphanies about something I've already done/seen/said. It makes me feel slow.

The first thing I realized was that although I love the story, I sometimes hate it because it makes me feel not special.

Not everyone can be a prodigy, obviously, how boring would the world be if everyone was fantastic at something? But still, it makes me feel as though I've basically fit exactly into the mold and I'll never be able to shine... That feeling sucks. I want to shine, somewhere, sometime, to someone.

maybe that feeling also comes from being single, and not having anyone super dooper fancy me.

I haven't really talked about my "relationship" here yet because I am not sure if there is anything to talk about. The boy who I like is an interesting specimen to say the least. He is very handsome, his body, so lovely, he cooks well and enjoys my geeky humor... but it pretty much ends there.

Physically, there is a lot of chemistry. I won't tell you what we ended up doing together on the first date; but lets just say that I wasn't exactly a lady. He is really sweet, and such a gentleman. But you don't have to be emotionally invested in someone to be nice to them, and he isn't emotionally invested in me at all.

I know this, because he tells me.

He likes me, and we enjoy each others company, but is that enough? Do I want to be with someone who "enjoys my company"?

But he was engaged about 9 months ago and they ended things because she cheated on him. So, for him the best thing is doing what he is doing, which is not letting anyone in; and that makes me feel like I am not worth it.

Which, is silly. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't be seeing someone that makes me feel that way. The internet is full of men who want to love me. I just need to find one that I can love too.

So, I realized that sometimes I feel not special, and the musical pointed it out to me so hard.

The second thing, and this is more of a life in general observation, but there is a part during Billy's audition where he is asked how it feels when he is dancing, and part of his answer consists of: it's sort of like crying, when you're empty and you're full.

And that, ladies and gents, is why I love musicals. Singing about your feelings...

I don't know how often you cry, I personally hate doing it but it happens when I get pissed off and recently (well, more like the past year or so) I get mad a lot. Mad at myself, mad at my life, mad at how people treat me. Crying isn't always glamorous, although admittedly I'm so much prettier after, and I hate doing it; but I almost always feel better when I just let it happen. When I just cry and get it over with, I feel empty of whatever was making me cry, and full of hope. Even if it's a sober hope, it's still hope.

And that's what makes it okay.

My Christmas youshouldbuythesethingsforpeople List

2010-12-06T10:46:00.013-05:00

I should have posted this stuff before Cyber Monday, but I didn't, and for that I'm sorry.

I love giving gifts, that is literally my favorite part about the holiday. That, and copious amounts of good food. Getting things is fun, but I can basically buy myself what I want (and my mother can never seem to) so, why not enjoy getting stuff for others?

For the ladies in your life I have found two awesome websites that have really nice, high quality jewelry for super cheap. I bought my mother, sisters and myself all Jewelry from this site.

I bought my sisters and I this bracelet (sorry, it is sold out, I just thought I'd show you) and it was only $25 (each) and free shipping. I'm a sucker for free shipping.

When I saw the deal I was skeptical, but I am super sensitive to metals (among other things) and silver is one thing all three of us can wear. Us Potter gals, we're sensitive ladies. So, I bought it, and it's lovely. Really lovely. Check out the site. Things change about every other day so keep looking.

The second jewelry site I shall talk about is free! Yep, and it's called silverjewelryclub.com. They have 4 deals going on for 15 minutes each that are constantly changing and all you pay for is shipping. Not everything is cute, but, silver jewelry is nice and if you have time to watch the site a bit you can find really cute things.

Not all girls like jewelry, and, it's not always appropriate to buy them jewelry, I know that giving stuff to my friends and sisters is cool, but, you may be a boy, and if you buy a lady friend jewelry on your first Christmas together she may get expectations and we all know that the lower you set the bar in the beginning the better. Right?

So, why not get her what she really wants? A Voice Activated Wand Flashlight! I can honestly say if some guy got me something like this it'd be hard for me not to fall immediately in love with him. All joking aside, think geek is probably the best site possible for things that you never knew you absolutely needed. And I do mean needed.

I want this Cocktail Chemistry set so badly... How funny is it? I love it.

Geeks unite! And get drinky!

Or this knife magnet? If you don't have anything better to do read the descriptions under the products, that alone is worth your time.

I bought my nephew this funny pacifier and they have tons of other cute baby stuff.

Now, another great place to get funny gifts (because, lets be honest, who wants a tie or a wallet again?) is from Fred and Friends, which can be found here, on Amazon... lots of sites, you should just look around for the best price.

Some of the stuff I really like are

Basically just know that anything that you find on either think geek or from fred and friends will be useful and pretty funny. The New Black pencils say funny things like
- Having a roommate named Mom is the new black.
- Underemployment is the new black.
- Misspelling is the new black.
- 140 characters or less is the new black.
- D.I.Y. is the new black.
- Upcycling is the new black.
- Analog is the new black.
- Tap water is the new black.
- Hand-sanitizer is the new black.
- In the red is the new black.

Got a mythbuster in your midst? What about these awesome mugs?

I want one more than anything... Although, they are a tad expensive. This is one of those things where if I knew how to put designs on mugs I would. Because these are awesome, but not twenty five dollars awesome. Does anyone know how to decorate ceramic? I'd love to do this. Lemme know.

Have you ever ruined anything of any ones... on accident of course? Say, they asked you to throw their laundry in and their favorite shirt happened to be white and accidentally made it in with the darks, and say, maybe that you didn't think to check and washed it on warm? No? Just me?

Well, not that I am admitting to anything, but if you were looking for a place to make customised shirts this site has a lot of options, and I don't think it's that over priced. However, if you have a graphic place by you I'd go there. I called one in my city to make sure they'd to a design that was technically trade marked and she said that since it's not mass market she'd be happy to and it was about $20 which is pretty good considering the same thing online is about $40.

Or, for a fun shirt any time check out http://shirt.woot.com/. they have a user created shirt every day for $10 with free shipping. The next day the shirt is $15 so you have to check every day or pay five dollars more.

These are my recent favorites, but, like I said, a new one every day. Go forth and shop for funny shirts.

For other daily deals http://www.woot.com/ and http://deals.woot.com/sellout are great. There is also wine and kids woot that are all on the same page bottom right side. basically these sites are awesome all year round and people submit deals they find online for that day. Super cool.

Hope I gave you at least one good idea. If you're still stumped, cologne is always a good option. Or a sweater. I do love a guy in a sweater.

I think I need to go off dairy...

2010-12-03T09:36:00.001-05:00

There are a few things I do that I'm really embarrassed about and it sort of varies by situation. Obviously I'm not embarrassed about saying something stupid in front of my friends, it happens; we can't all be sharp every minute of every day. But, I am embarrassed to say something stupid in front of someone I just started seeing via the match dot coms...

I'm not embarrassed to fart near (or on) a friend. They are my friends, they have no choice but to love me in spite of my gas (and, if they do things like eat ice cream or Alfredo sauce in front of me... well, it comes with the territory. I'm not going to not eat it just because I'm allergic. I love that stuff. You can't dangle the carrot). But, when it comes to a date... you see where I am going with this?

I don't mind farting near a boyfriend; but, if they aren't my boyfriend yet, if I don't have it in the bag, if I'm not positive that I can dutch oven the heck out of him without fear of him never calling again, I can't fart in front of him...

cognitively...

You see, there is this thing, called sleep. It totally takes away my ability to hold the gas in, and sometimes... it's really really loud.

Like super loud.

Like wakes me up loud.

Yes, I just said it. Sometimes I fart myself awake.

Goodbye followers, it was nice knowing you.

Last night I spent the night at someone I am not officially dating's house, and he is a lighter sleeper than I am. And I had cheese for dinner. And, well, it happened twice. I know that he woke up for them both because he sat up. I scared him to the point of sitting up in the middle of the night with my nocturnal ass gas, and you know what I did then?

I pretended to still be asleep!

What did you think I did?

Ugh... the second time was worse because I know he knew what had happened, since he sort of groaned and rolled over. And, well, in the morning he didn't say anything. I can't talk about it because he hasn't brought it up... If he hasn't said anything I don't want to say anything.

I'm in a predicament here people; I fart, loudly at night and sometimes share a bed with a very light sleeper. I don't think I would wake up if he didn't wake up.

But he does. And I do.

And it's so embarrassing.

So, what do I do? Please save me. You're my only hope.

a diet and a tattoo

2010-12-01T12:38:00.001-05:00

I know that the last thing I (or anyone really) ever wants to read about is dieting.

Really, I hate it, and I am sorry, but you do fully have the ability to stop reading and come back another day. I am not holding your arm behind your back.

Through my spout of depression a lot has changed about me. Good things and bad things. I am now able to be more assertive and I can see things coming before they overwhelm me. I have tricks to help me look at situations from all angles, something I'd lost the ability to do for a while.

But, some really bad stuff happened too... like the extra weight I put on. In high school I weighted 165, in my first year of college I weighed 155, now, I weigh 210... and that my friends isn't sexy.

David always tells me I'll never look like I did in high school, and that's okay. But I'm not healthy. And that's not okay.

Learning to cook was a great thing for me, no matter how much butter or sugar I use any home cooked meal is better than an out meal because I know exactly what goes into each and every bite... the bad thing is that my food is good... like, really good. And I enjoy eating. Far too much.

So, here is the story, I stopped going to school and in turn I stopped going to the rec, with my activity level down I gained back the weight I'd lost plus some, because well, booze and such. The empty calories. We've all been there. And, when I was no longer in school things started to spiral down from there. I resented my friends because everyone was doing more with their lives than I was, and through that I started to isolate myself. More weight, more depression... more weight... it just kept piling on. And I just kept ignoring it.

That is what I do best, I ignore things.

So, in a manner of about a year and a half I put on over 50 pounds, got gross stretch marks and even lower self esteem, and cried every time I had to buy new pants. But still, did nothing about it.

Recently I have started incorporating better eating habits into my life. I make myself a smoothie almost every morning for breakfast, I don't eat after 8pm (usually...) and I try to not eat wings every night of the week but it's hard, those things are so good. But, there is an entirely separate side to being healthy then just cutting the buff wings...

EXERCISE! And, God, do I hate exercise... I hate huffing around like a tub o' lard and feeling gross because everyone is watching me thinking it's useless, you're already gross,why don't you just go home?...

But that's not the truth, people don't really think that; I know because I used to be the fit girl and seeing the fat people made me happy for them. I would watch them and cheer them on mentally because I didn't ever want to be them.

Now I am them. And I just need to remember that everyone is really cheering me on because they want what's best for me.

I used to be able to go to the gym for an hour and not feel pooped after, now I can't walk up 2 flights of stairs without having my chest burn; and that's just unacceptable. Also, none of my really cute clothes fit. I used to have money and spend it on clothes that were really cute, I want to wear them again. I want to be cute again. I want to wear contacts without feeling like my face is too fat and needing to wear very angular frames to balance it out. I want to get dressed in the morning and be able to look in the mirror for more than three seconds. I want to not get dressed and be able to look in the mirror for more than a milla second.

I want to have sex with the lights on and not hate myself the whole time.

I want to wear my ring my parents gave me when I turned 16 that doesn't fit my pudgy finger.

I want to order Diet Coke because it tastes better and not get looks from people because one diet coke won't make any difference... Ugh, I hate myself right now.

I also want to get a tattoo. On my arm. My inner arm. Where the wobbly bits are. Only, I don't want them to be wobbly. I want them to be sexy. I already have tattoos in places that could be super sexy if I just weighed less and wasn't so flubby, I know, I had them when I wasn't so flubby. They were sexy. I promise.

As a goal for myself I would like to get this tattoo in a visible enough place that it makes me need to keep up a healthy lifestyle, for me. And, because the idea I have is so freaking geektastic I can't not do it now that I've thought it up. Sooner toward the completion of my weight loss goal I'll tell you what it is, but just know, it will group me with the kids even you didn't talk to in high school.

PS: I blogged over at Sex and The Shitty today, go read me there :)

Sometimes you just have to go there

2010-11-30T06:00:00.000-05:00

I can honestly say it took me about a minute and a half to get this joke... O lawd, I do love it when I am so darn slow. Netflix holds a very dear place in my heart, very dear indeed. I hope to find more shareable gold mines soon.

It's research people! I do it for you.

Happy Tuesday lovers.

and the winner is

2010-11-29T10:48:00.000-05:00

Dustin, my good friend who has been mia for a few weeks because of the draw of WoW, which I personally know I can't start playing or I'll never stop... addictive personality... I try to stay away from the temptation.

But, Dustin, I'm actually really excited you won because I get to personally text you the good news! Which I am about to do.

Thanks to all who entered! I hope everyone’s thanksgiving was awesome.

I made some delicious stuff; seriously, my family thinks I am some sort of God now. Apple pie, mushroom topper for the steaks (oh, you didn't know my family does steaks for thanksgiving? Only on my mother’s side, we are American. What's more American than steaks?), and for my father’s side I made a three bread stuffing (sourdough, white, and cornbread made in a cast-iron skillet) with roasted mushrooms, Italian sausage, and apples and onions made in a white wine sauce with rosemary and thyme broth. Tell me that doesn't sound like heaven? It was. All are gone now, because they were devoured by the family.

Maybe I'll post the recipes... my cooking blog hates me because I neglect it.

things I'm thankful for.. ah, suck it

2010-11-24T15:40:00.000-05:00

As far as I'm concerned there are really only a few reasons ever to do a super cliche post, and those reasons are as follows:

a) I want to

and b) I've got little to nothing else to do

I know for a fact that my mother will make me list things I'm thankful for, so why not be honest here instead of the usual, "my friends and family" bs that I say each year because I want to get to the food?

I figured I'd do five, that's a nice even number, even being a relative term and more in reference to my ability to multiply and divided things by it than actually being and even number.

I'm thankful for my friends, a few in particular who have shined like beacons in the darkest of nights. I am thankful that I have people who I can say literally anything to and fear no form or judgement or rejection. I'm thankful that when all I could do was cry they made me laugh, and I am thankful that through their amazing ability to not get tired of me saying the same thing over and over, I talked my way out of one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I'm thankful for my voice, my writing voice and my singing one (and my talking one, I'll tell you something funny about that in a minute). I'm thankful that through my blogging I've been able to find an honest voice that not only sounds like me (how I talk, my particular phrases and such) but is pretty eloquent at times. Being an AP English nerd I wrote a bit pretentiously in the beginning, things didn't flow, I was awkward, not funny, and very very uninteresting. Now, through lots of trial and error I have come up with something I'm really happy with, and since you guys seem to be responding better, I think that you'll agree. Comedy is a huge part of who I am, and I know it's sometimes really hard to be funny in print, especially when you're just barely funny in real life... What I'm trying to say is I like the way I write, and I am thankful for finding it.

I'm thankful that even though I've no longer continued with my musical education I haven't lost my ability to sing. I can still bust out and operatic tragedy (please forgive me, you don't know it but that was a Little Women the Musical joke, remember when I said I wasn't always funny?) when I try and I can still sing mad karaoke, even when I am sober. It just sounds better when you're drunk. I mean I'm drunk... I'm drunk. Not really, still at work people, I haven't started yet. I've yet to publish an intoxicated post, that needs to change.

And, finally the interesting story involving my talking voice.

I haven't talked about match dot com in a while because I actually haven't been doing anything I think my blog should know about, if you know what I'm sayin'. But, 3 of the 4 people I have met gave me an interesting compliment: my voice. I've always know I have the voice of a phone sex operator, I discovered this when someone I used to work with and I had a quick conversation about switching shifts and the next day he was looking at me funny. I asked him what was up and he said that he was slightly aroused by our phone conversation, then all the boys I worked with started calling me to find out and low and behold it was true. I've got a good phone voice, I know this. I think I have the wrong job, those people don't do anything and get paid big.

Anyways, I may have a good phone voice, but that doesn't change how monumentally awkward I am as a human. I also hate using the phone because I talk on it all day when I'm not blogging (and sometimes when I am, how important can dealing with someones car insurance be?) so basically I never talk to any of the dates on the phone before hand. It's too weird for me, I don't know what to say sometimes to people I do know, let alone ones I don't.

So, I meet with these strange men and one of the first things 3/4ths of them say is how amazing my voice is. I guess that's a good thing since I talk a shit ton... it's from blogging I've decided. I never used to talk so much before I wrote so much.

I'm thankful for sex. I am not sure if this needs explaining, but when you are single for a while and then start doing it again you realize how freaking pent up you were and how much you really did miss it.

I'm thankful for entertainment. Blogs, books, movies, musicals, TV, texting, the SIMs, orchestras, restaurants, bands, shows, video games, ~~porn~~, the internet, shopping, cooking, eating, drinking, ~~other drugs,~~ games, cards... basically all that stuff that keeps me occupied. I know that old people think "young people" are all over the place and can't sit down for five minutes and are constantly jumping from one thing to the next since we all have ADD because our mothers are hells angel wannabes who smoked during out gestation, and although that may be true, I'm damn thankful for the lovely things that I do find solace in. I may be bored after 15 minutes of some activities, but I've got plenty of interest to switch off between and I'm generally entertained most of my free time. Yes, I do like shiny things but that's because I'm a woman, it has nothing to do with a short attention span.

Finally, I'm thankful for my family. Yup, I went there. My family, although they have the ability to annoy me at all hours of the day and night I love all of them. They house me (I pay very little to live in a house my mother rents me and my sister) and job me (I work for my uncle and with my aunt) and basically if I ever needed anything I could ask them (like my car... paying my uncle for that one, my student loans and Hospital bills... those were my dad...). So, I want to hit you guys most of the time, but you help me not be homeless and unable to transport myself and have more debt then I would know with what to do.

Go enter the giveaway, you've got 8 hours.

We're alone

2010-11-23T12:27:00.000-05:00

I am only going to talk about Harry Potter for one (or two) more post(s) because I saw it again last night and my last name is Potter so I can do what I want!

There are a lot of really moving things, Hermione leaving her parents house, the grave yard, Fred when George's ear gets hexed off, Hermione telling Ron her and Harry are nothing, the dancing scene... I loved every minute of it. But, all three times I've seen it there is one moment that hits home a little harder than I anticipated.

I do normally try to relate at least one thing in my life to Harry Potter per day, it gives me a sense of completeness that can't be matched. But this, this moment, it hurt.

The scene is where the three of them enter Grimmauld Place, the dust in the hall begins to stir and a figure looking like Dumbledor yells while speeding toward them with an outstretched hand. The figure dissolves. The room is quiet. Hermione checks for any other tricks and there is nothing. No one.

She says, "we're alone."

And they are.

Completely alone.

Sometimes I feel like that. No one is where I am right now and no one can understand me. I feel like I am the only one fighting for myself a lot of the time, and the people in my life who I should be able to lean on and confide in are uncaring, and uninterested.

I'm not important enough.

I don't matter.

I'm alone.

I feel like for a really long time I have only had two people that I can really talk to, because everyone else just looks at me and has no idea what I am talking about and doesn't really care or feel like putting forth the effort. Considering everything that has been happening, and for how long I've been feeling this way, two people really isn't very much; especially considering they aren't my family and shouldn't have to help me carry all this emotional baggage like they so generously have.

My family sucks right now, and I have no place to just be me. I can't go home without feeling smothered, (not in a loving way, in a nagging, noisy, I'm in the way way) and when you can't go home where can you go?

Poor Harry Potter... He fought such a fight.

Final way to enter the giveaway

2010-11-22T10:06:00.001-05:00

Okay, I decided that the third way to enter this giveaway is going to be for everyone.

You don't have to follow, you don't have to do anything other than answer this question:

Who is your favorite author (now, or of all time) and why?

Comment on this post, and winners will be chosen Thursday.

just in case you wanted a bit of summer, it's mighty dreary here...

Also, I was just informed that my guest post is up over at Awkward Sex and the City. If you feel like reading something less than ladylike head on over. But, I am warning you, it's a bit crass.

Also, I posted for Sex and the Shitty a while back but wasn't sure if you'd want to read that... but go ahead. I am warning you right now it's also sort of gross. I don't want to write about sex on my own blog (too much) because my parents do have the means of reading it. And one of my favorite teachers from when I still sang a lot.

I also haven't really felt like writing for a while and I feel badly about it. You deserve to read something I've written, even if it's not posted here.