Tonight

Because so much has happened in the last twenty four hours I can't even begin to document it, because I have no car right now... and because I am in dire need of comfort I will be making a pie. Pumpkin to be exact.

And I'll eat at least two pieces...

And tomorrow will be better.

I wouldn't pay minimum wage... but I'd pay for it

Want to stimulate the economy? Want to provide someone with a job that needs done? I've got an idea.

Ask any woman with a ample bosom and she'll tell you, some days bras just don't cut it.

It may be because I'm slouching today, but I'm tired. So if it's because I'm slouching or because it's Wednesday and my boobs have had it for the week my normal two bra set up just isn't cutting it.

Yes, I wear two bras, almost every day. A regular underwiry goddess that separates them and makes them look all sorts of lovely and a sports bra to keep them close to my heart.

But, today I'm having trouble with the wire deciding I put too much pressure on it ( really, you only do one thing, so it right! jeez). It's making the right one hurt and I am not feelin it, nope.

So, here I am with my idea to stimulate the economy with an idea for the out of workers who think they are too good for McDonald's: boob holder.

I want to hire someone who will follow me around and hold my boobs up on days like today when 2 bras just aren't enough. This person will obviously have to work for less than I do, considering I still need to live, but why not? There would have to be a no grope clause in their contract that involves maybe them paying me, but that sorts of gets sketchy with me being an assumed prostitute when I really just want to take some stress off my back.

Have you ever had anyone pick up your boobs? I know it seems weird, but my gay friend finds it funny to pick them up then drop them and see how it almost knocks me over; I don't understand the gays, they like boobs almost more than the straight ones... almost. Back to how wonderful my body feels for those few precious seconds when I no longer have to support my own chest. It's magical, like tinker bell giving Harry Potter a beejay magical. I want to experience that magic,and if someone would do it for a whole day I'd pay them.

I think I want life insurance for my birthday

I'm old, like really old. I'm 21 years old....

And I work for State Farm.

My birthday isn't till the end of October, but I've already been thinking about what I want to do this year since I don't have to drink my life away and I'm a real adult now.

Since I'm born on the 29th of October Halloween parties usually coincide with my birthday celebrations and I usually get brushed under the rug. This is fine as long as you buy me a present. I'm such a geek that last Halloween I played Dungeons and Dragons (no costumes sadly, none of the guys I play with think my cutsey suggestions are worth anything... they suck). My birthday is on the Friday of Halloween weekend this year so I'll go somewhere and basically bust a nut all over the city and call it a trip.

However, I'm getting freaking old. I usually ask my parents for one bigish thing and since they no longer provide anything for me I feel legit in asking them for said big thing. I have, in the past, gotten things like new glasses, an oil change and a gas gift card, my car insurance paid for, an opal ring (although I didn't ask for that one, it's beautiful though). This year I want life insurance. Whole life insurance.

tip from someone who knows, unless you plan on dying in the next 10 years NEVER BUY TERM LIFE. It'll shoot up at the end of your term and it'll all be wasted because you probably won't be able to afford it anymore. Buy whole life with paid up additions (basically any cash value you earn will go toward buying you more life insurance...) if you're confused I'm sorry. Ask your agent.

My parents bought my older sister life insurance when she was born and have been paying for it for 23 years... neither me or my little sister got any. I want my parents  to buy me life insurance and pay on it for a bit.  

More Birthday wish lists to follow, since my it's about a month away.

MONDAY MONDAY MONDAY

I went to a high school football game this weekend, not my high school, but a high school. It brought back all sorts of memories of marching band and weekly football games, either freezing or sweating my balls off in my polyester uniform, never a comfortable evening. Crushes on boys who played the tuba and getting to hold their mouthpiece as we danced in... oh band.

Nostalgia is interesting. Bitter sweetness isn't what I used to think it was. It's more of a "I'm glad that I thought that was super fun then, because now I wouldn't dream of doing that, let alone enjoying it." I wouldn't go back to high school again for anything.

I got most of my car fixed for $134, there is just a bit more that needs done (coolant flush, which will cost $45 and I am probably going to go get it done after work today). However, something new has presented itself, and when I'm sitting at a light it shakes and it feels like it's trying to go (no idling is what David called it) and I called the mechanic guy and he'll probably come by some time today and look at things. Once in a while I catch a break, maybe it'll just be a loose something or other and it'll be a quick fix. I just don't know what I'm looking for, so I can't tell you anything more than it's just shaky and not good. Typical girl answer, I'm aware.

I filled out another match.com profile and I can't decide if I should pay for it or not... especially since I have gained a lot of weight with the stress eating and depression lack-of-any-motivation-to-do-anything. I sort of want to lose 20 lbs then go on there full force. I want to be healthy mentally as well as physically. The problem is that there are some handsome gents who emailed me and I want to read them. I think that even if I don't meet them initially the ego boost would be nice... but do I want to pay $19.99 a month for a steady ego boost? Possibly.

My birthday is in a little over a month... and since 22 is supposedly one of the most disappointing birthdays ever I'm not sure what to do. Ideas would be lovely.

PopTarts have a new flavor, pumpkin pie. I have one in my desk waiting for me to get hungry and eat it. I hope it's good. If it is the possibilities are going to be endless. I'll make my own pumpkin pie blizzards... I'll be a happy winter season.

And since It'll be short I'm going to knock down day 11

Something people seem to compliment you the most on

I figured a picture would do.

becoming me... only better

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know

This is sort of difficult because I don't know if I want to say that I wish I didn't know someone... and I may not be willing to admit that I should let someone go.

I believe that every person you come into contact with helps shape who you are as a person, so I will go ahead and stop the last bit right. There is no one I know that I wish I didn't, because I like who I am and they all helped me become who I am.

So, that leaves someone I need to let go. And I don't know... I have this thing where I sort of push away slowly the people I'm not fond of, and the ones I keep around I do for a reason. 

Oh, I got it!

I would like to let go of the depressed person living in my body lately. I want to learn from her what I'm supposed to, but then let her go completely. I want her to leave and never come back. I want her to teach me how to not be her, and then I want to never be her again. 

That was easier than I made it. I go far deeper into these things than a lot of the other bloggers I read. I'm not complaining, I think I'm the type of person who analyzes something till there is almost no room for confusion... no room for further questions. 

So I guess that's what I'll do now with this. 

Why I want to not be who I am right now (on the inside, as in my crazy emotional imbalances, lack of ability to sleep, and anxiety out the wazoo). 

I don't like feeling like no one wants to be around me, I want to not care. I want to be confident in my self worth, with no need for outside validation, and I don't have that right now. I want to look in the mirror and see the good things, because although if I look really hard I can sort of see them, I don't want to have to look hard. I want to know they are there, inherently, because they are I'm just having trouble seeing them. 

I want to react normally to things. I know that you can't control your emotions any more than you can your hormones... (with medicine it's possible, but do I want that?) but I want to be able to react without overreacting to everything. I want to have time to think about things without my body flying off the handle like it has for some time now. I don't want to cry so often, I want to be able to handle my emotions in a more productive way, because my eyes burn and I get headaches when I cry. I never used to cry this much, and crying by yourself just makes you feel more pathetic (cue another crying session). My emotions used to be more regular, now they are always doing something I can't understand. I want to react rationally, I like being rational. Being rational makes sense, I can be confident in the rational decisions I make, I can’t do that with irrational ones.   

I want to learn what caused this (I could list them now, but I won't) and learn how to not let a similar succession of events lead me to this place again. I want to learn to deal with stress in a positive way without hiding from it. I want to see the light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel, because it's there, I know it.

Depression happens to everyone, it is just more severe when you don't do anything about it; I can't not do anything about it ever again. I won't be this girl ever again. I need to let her go.

okay, so I like pet names

I wanted to clear the air. Yesterday was a bad one, probably the worst I've felt in a while. The no sleep thing, it's not healthy. I know people talk about  8 hours a night, but I'm different. I need 9 (sleep cycles are 90 minutes long, 9 hours means 6 full cycles, you (I) wake up refreshed) and I'm a morning person because I know about when to wake up, by body just does it for me. When I don't sleep enough (or at all) I'm not only crabby beyond belief; but everything becomes a huge deal, and I suck at life. I can't handle things and I can't see anything for what it truly is. I'm in a glass cage of emotions... and it really isn't a good place to be.

Last night I went to bed at about eight o'clock, and because it's was fully dark and I haven't really slept properly since July I was able to sleep. On nights where I do sleep I don't remember my dreams.

Did you know that the ability to remember your dreams is a genetic mutation? It's like the ability to digest milk. Humans aren't supposed to do that stuff. Some day ask me about memory, it's fantastically interesting. You'll be surprised. Radio lab anyone?



So I slept. Hard. I hate sleeping that hard because I wake up feeling like a rock with sore muscles. But I feel rested. Today I feel rested.

Yesterday I was thinking about the amount of time I feel normal in my brain related to the time I feel not normal... and I came up with 85:15. Feeling not normal 85% of the time is a lot, and it's not good. The world my brain creates for me is one where I feel nervous a lot, and I feel like no one wants me and I'm always out of place. I also decided that the amount of time I spend acting on my crazy whims v.s acting "normal" is more like 50:50... which is better, but still not good.

I miss the days where I was confident and enjoyed my alone time. I miss not wanting to hit everyone around me for just existing. I'm working on it though, and since my therapist has decided that weekly appointments are a good thing, I shall be attending my helper angel weekly... hopefully I'll get better soon.

Good things: I was super productive yesterday. I have time at work to make phone calls (which is good, because I get paid to pay bills, call people, schedule appointments... and since there is a lot of down time (hence this fabulous blog) I can get things done. Unless I procrastinate. Which is something I do when faced with a stressful situation. Remember the $600+ quote I got to fix my car? Well, I know a guy through my grandmother who has his own travel mechanic thing (he calls me darlin', I love that) and he said he could do the work for about $150... he's on his way to my work right now to fix it.

lesson here: never do what 1 mechanic quotes you at. Always look around. This guy has done work on my car before, and it's always fast (he does it in the parking lot of my work, I don't have to do anything different) and really good. The mechanics try to get you for everything you're worth.  Don't let them, and don't act stupid. I don't know everything about cars, but I know who to ask and the mechanics don't walk all over me because they know I'm smarter than that, and won't tolerate it. I'm a 21 year old woman not an idiot, and when you pay attention to what they are saying and relate it to what you know is wrong with your car, you'll be set. When the two mechanics look at each other and raise heir eyebrows at you saying you're smart you know you've caught them off guard. Catch people off guard. Be smart. Don't act like a ditsy girl, act like the smart woman you are.

Aside from getting my car stuff handled yesterday I recently received a bill from the hospital in the mail for over $200 from when I had my freak kidney infection last year. They had submitted it to a collection agency (meaning I would have to pay interest on it and it was negatively affecting my credit score I'm trying desperately to make better) and I wanted to know why since I had initially set up a payment plan for it, but when I stopped receiving bills I stopped paying, obviously. Well, the guy at the hospital apologised for the mistake, withdrew it from the collection company, and set the payment plan back up. He couldn't explain why they had discontinued billing me. Another thing taken care of.

I probably haven't mentioned this, but in December of 2008 I was in a car accident. My friend was driving. My mother (the on top of it person that she is) finally told me that she was getting calls about it... from the company I've worked for for the past year and a half. So I handled most of that yesterday too. I'm just waiting on the hospital to mail me something so I can send it to the insurance company and it'll also be off my credit score as something bad and I can sleep easier at night.

Finally taking care of these things are probably why I was able to sleep last night, taking a substantial amount of stress off my shoulders means that the things I have to keep me awake at night aren't as negative.

I don't know if I have a conclusion to this post other than nothing is as bad as it seems and everything will work out as long as you keep trying. I have to know that giving up isn't an option, and I'm stronger, smarter, and more capable than I give myself credit for. I'm not crazy, I just feel crazy sometimes; and I can get past it, I can get over it. As one of the comments said from yesterday, it's isn't always rainbows and sunshine, you won't always be happy or sane or know what to do. But it's never always bad. And there is hope, even if you have to look somewhere else completely to see it.

wizard angst

Shit, I feel angsty today. I want to hit everyone really hard in the face, and then do it again.

This is probably one of those days I should just leave my post in draft form for me to later delete thinking I was such a ninny head and then write something pleasant, comical, and/or enjoyable to read... you'd be surprised how many drafts have gone to the delete world and you never get to read them because I was protecting your little eyes from the meanness that is me sometimes.

Things that are annoying me today:

Pandora has no rhyme or reason to the commercials... more in the afternoon and none in the am... why? And yes, I only know what "that 2:30 feeling" is because you point it out to me at 2:10 every single day. I don't drink energy drinks, and I won't be taking 5 hour energy any time soon. Why can't Pandora (who obviously knows my tastes because I thumbs up or thumbs down most of the options they present me) give me relevant ads? Google does it. I normally am distracted by the ads because they are things I actually want. Google knows me and I don't even have to do anything more than what I'm already doing. Also, Madonna? Really? I've thumbs downed all the other crap songs you try to make me listen to, so don't play Madonna when you know I'm not in the mood. Please play songs I've already liked... it'll make us both a lot happier.

My sister makes me want to move out... I've been looking at apartments and craigslist-roommate-lookers for the last week and I can't decided if I really should move out or just murder her in her sleep... both options seem wonderful. I live with her right now because when she finally births the bastard child she's carrying and still can't do anything for herself I'll be there to help. My mother thinks it's a good idea. My mother also thinks that she should switch to working nights and sleep in my bed during the day so she can be there to take care of this kid (more enabling.... my sister isn't incapable, she is just monumentally lazy, and filthy, and annoying).

I still can't effing sleep and it's becoming a huge problem. I am so tired all the time but as soon as I lay down my brain won't shut up and I lay there... Then, once I fall asleep I wake up 3 hours later to pee because I drink all the time to keep from drying out from taking decongestant every twelve hours because the god dammed pollen count is over the top this year.

happy first day of fall....

The lack of sleep makes me want to cry all the time. No sleep = very cranky Denise

My sister is once again annoying the piss out of me because she's mad I fed the cat this morning... Well I'm mad he gets under my feet and won't leave me alone when you don't feed him. What in the world should I do?

Moving out seems like such a great idea.

Except, oh wait, I went for an oil change last Friday and they told me I need about $600 in work... within the next month... just shoot me. I can't afford to live and drive...

Golly I'm feeling all sort of pleasant today... all sorts

The therapist thinks it's about time I start taking birth control ( I know, everyone my age takes it, I don't. I'm not everyone) which means that I have to call my shit health insurance company and see if I can find a gyno that is covered under my plan. Being in school had so many advantages including my father’s wonderful health insurance, being an adult blows.

Maybe I should stop texting people seeing if they want to do something tonight and just lock myself in my room till I turn back into a butterfly, or at least a person that passes for enjoyable. I hate days like this. 

my first "blog game" I feel special.

Blogging is seriously one of my favorite activities. I think it's one of the most unique ways to have a friend because you can be as selfish as you want. You talk about what you want when you want and you don't have to listen to anyone if you don't want to. You can read things from weeks ago when you have the time for it and you can do it with no pants on. Blog relationships are some of the best I've got going right now, and I hope that I can keep this up as my life continues to change, because although I may not read every single word, I read a lot, and I love the blogs I do for the similarities I share with the writers, and the differences that mean I can learn from. I know I'm not alone in saying that when you read something someone else wrote that you yourself have thought it's like nothing else. knowing you're not alone, seeing yourself in someone else is a huge relief, and an amazing thing.

Not all blogs are good, and not all are good initially. Sometimes you have to read a lot to find out how the person writes and find where you connect with them. Another aspect of blogging. I love having the ability to go back and read through someone journey. It's meaningful in ways that talking to someone about their past isn't. You see who they are when they were it, not who they are now talking about it. It's different. And it's unique. And I love it.

There are rare cases where I find someone I instantly love to read, and one of the girls I recently found I was so excited to follow her and read the goodness that she writes. I even wrote on her 20sb wall and and requested her friendship because I liked her stuff. A lot.

Her name is Ayan, and she blogs Midnight in Love. And she officially invited me to partake in the first blog game I've ever been asked to partake in. Gotta love it.

I guess the first part of playing a game is learning the rules. I'll state them for you. I, being "tagged", now get to answer questions asked of me by the tagger. When I'm done I ask 8 questions of 8 other bloggers and they do the same.

1. If you could travel anywhere, all expenses paid and everything included, where would you go?
This is hard because my first answer was Hogwarts... and then I remembered Harry Potter isn't real and had to come up with another answer. Then I remembered I'm a total geek and would love to explore Rome, because I loved Latin class, and my favorite part was the history. I also love noodles, so being in Italy would be a great way for me to get that need satisfied.

2. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No, and yes, but mostly no. My mother loved me the moment she set eyes on me, but I'm pretty sure she loved me before that. I fell in love with a kitten last weekend, and it was instantaneous. I'm positive he loved me back too. I want a kitten more than anything right now. I miss his little face.

As for romantic love I'm not sure if it's possible. I know you can detect chemistry instantly. I joke that I met my soul mate in a McDonalds drive through and although I'm positive it wouldn't have lasted I wish I had gotten at least his name. I was so infatuated with him I had to catch my breath before I could drive away. Remembering him is like a dream, and he and I probably have nothing in common, but that doesn't change the fact that we had chemistry. If I were to ever have sex with someone I just met, it would have to feel like that. That was 3 years ago and I still kick myself for not talking to him. We both knew what was happening, his eyes lit up with a fire that I'm sure people who believe in love at first sight would call "love at first sight"... and I know mine did too. It took my breath away. But I don't think it was love. Not real love. Not the kind that makes your heart feel so much you think it'll burst and that feeling is all you want. That person is all that matters. Love like that takes a relationship, and compatibility, and knowing each other and laughing together. It takes similar interests and morals. It takes time.

3. If you could meet someone, dead or alive, who would it be and why?
J.K. Rowling. She's been to Hogwarts and she knows Harry Potter on a personal level because in a way he is her. I know that someday Harry Potter will be like LotR, something a lot of people like with great movies and is incredibly interesting... but it'll be old news. My kids won't love Harry like I do because if they do read him they won't have to wait years for the books to come out. They won't be able to dress up and go to book release parties. It won't be the biggest thing ever. That makes me sad. However, meeting J.K. would make me really happy. I know she is probably tired of talking about Harry, but I'm not and I want to know everything there is to know about him. And she is the only one who can tell me.

4. Name your favorite movie, favorite TV show and favorite song {of the moment }.
Movie: The Dark Knight, this has been my fave since it came out. I love the darkness of it, it's good in a way a lot of movies aren't and Batman is super in a way a lot of heroes aren't. I know that every single actor makes the movie great, without any of them there is no way it would work... my favorite being Gary Oldman, I love that guy. His voice is what does it for me. If he were to do voices for audio books I would listen to them to go to sleep. His voice and Alec Baldwins are my favorite (Liem Neeson, love his voice too).

Which brings me to TV show: 30 Rock. I can't not love it; seriously comedic genius. I only watch a few shows and 30 Rock is one of them. Liz Lemon frequents my thoughts and her ability to be completely awkward and hilarious gives hope to girls like me who cant seem to drink something without spilling it, eat something without having it fall out of my mouth, walk across a room without tripping, or have a conversation without needing to put my foot in my mouth at least once. My favorite thing she ever said: " I one laughed at a blind person eating spaghetti"... don't judge me

Favorite song of the moment is It's Been a Long Day by Rosi Golan. I don't know if it's so much my favorite as a song I can relate to a lot right now. Of all time my favorite song is Every Valley by Handel I love almost everything from him. I've only sang a fraction of his pieces, but they are wonderful, and powerful. And that's what I look for in music, power and feeling.

5. Did you ever leave Facebook or thought of leaving it?
I think about leaving Facebook all the time. Mundane status updates, endless photos showing off how exciting a person’s life is, the disgusting "baby, I love you" every 5 minutes... Why haven't I deleted it? Because I don't want to lose the only form of contact (or potential contact, let’s not joke here) I have with a lot of these people and I don't want to fall off the face of the planet in case someone wants to find me. Remember the guy from question 2? I don't keep my facebook for him, but if a potential love wants to facebook stalk me I don't want to take that option away from him.

6. What are your beauty staples?
uhh... my smile :)

Products though: I require truck loads of chapstick, that's the only thing I need.

Because of my depression I've noticed I wear makeup a lot less, and getting dressed up almost makes me feel worse about myself. But when I do put makeup on I'm thankful for the mineral makeup I just bought from Mary Kay... expensive stuff, but it makes my skin look amazing. It covers the redness, doesn't hide my freckles (gotta show the Irish!) and makes everything look really smooth. I also love the mousse foundation I found for a dolla at the Acme. For my eyes I just use regular pencil liner because I think it's easiest to smudge into the lash line and it looks more subtle that way, I'm all about subtlety and natural beauty. For the lashes which are almost nonexistent I curl them with a curler then use lash blast in the orange tube. I use some bronzer and a light pink blush. That's pretty much it.

7. Sauna or jacuzzi/hot tub?
Hot tub. Saunas make me feel like my chest is closing and I can't breathe, I think hot water is a gift from the Lord. I love it, no contest there.

8. What is your life's motto?
The most important lessons you learn are the ones you teach yourself.

Now, my questions:

1. What do you lose most often? Your phone? Your keys? Your mind...? And where is it usually hiding.

2. What was your first job? Did you like it? And what was one thing you learned from it you still use in your current big(er) person job?

3. Favorite book(s)?

4. What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

5. What's your favorite thing about me? (ha ha ha, I have to ask, I'm a curious lass)

6. Cats or dogs? What's your favorite? Why? If neither, what is your favorite pet type animal?

7. Does it annoy you that all these are multi part questions? Kidding, real question: Any tattoos? Attach a photo if you're brave.

8. What is one skill you don't have that you’d like to learn?

Now the tagging.

Ellen @ One Step at a Time

Sri @ The Snappy Dragon

My Sister @ Well This Was Unexpected

Jenelle @ Just Jenelle

Denise @ blah blah blah

Erika @ Consistently Random

Kate @ Simply Kate

Orion @ Swift Serenity

And one more because I'm different and I know him and we were texting yesterday during glee (about something other than glee, I know, insane) Dustin @ Dustin's Online Journal

Let me know if and when your answers are up because I'd like to read them, obviously.

I encourage you to answer the questions (or some of them) in my comments. I am interested in answers, it's all in good fun (especially number 5...)  and wanted to tag about a million more of you people but restrained myself and only did 1 extra. So answer, and lets jump on this cow and ride it... or something that a normal person would say.

Kyle

I know that no mater who you are there is someone from your past who just isn't a part of your present. It sucks, but It's life. People grow up and out of each other and through facebook we'll occasionally stalk people but never really "get around to" making that connection again. So we live in regret, but we don't reach out. Because people change, and although you liked someone then you might not like them now, or worse they won't like you now. After all, I know I've changed a bunch since I've last seen some of my friends from high school, I don't doubt that most of them have changed too.

But there is one, one particular person who I connected with, at least I thought I had, who isn't here now. And I don't call him. Because I'm afraid that he doesn't like me anymore, even though I honestly have no way of knowing, unless I were to call and find out... but like I said, I'm afraid.

Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

Kyle

He and I met freshman year in gym class and he was one of the first friends I made in high school. I came from a private school, with only 17 in my whole grade so public school was an interesting change foe me. Kyle was one of the only boys in my class who talked to me, and he was hilarious. Most of my memories with him involve copious amounts of laughter. He was always joking, and since I knew no one it was a welcome relief to have someone with similar interests and a great sense of humor.

He played the piano for me for almost everything I ever sang in school, and he introduced me to new composers I now favor above most others. He laughed with me when I made mistakes, he taught me to play twinkle twinkle little star on the cello... he was my prom date for a while there, but he and I decided to go with other people, since I wanted to go with a boy I fancied and he wanted to go with a good friend of his and her brother. I literally balled during his senior song, on stage, in front of everyone. It was sad, I missed him then.

After we graduated we hung out a few times, I learned he was gay and I wasn't surprised, just saddened he hadn't told me sooner. I met his boyfriend and I saw him changing. He started smoking (something most musicians will not do) and I saw him changing more. I can't remember the last time I saw him, I'm sure it was great, I don't have a bad memory of us together at all, I just wish I had more. And I wish I could look forward to making more.

Something weird happened between him and a person we both knew. A girl I'm not particularly fond of becasue of the things she has done to me in the past, and long story short she told a friend of mine that Kyle didn't really want to be my friend, he just hung put with me because he felt bad for me. It turns out this is a lie, I typed him a facebook message and he replied that he and I were the kind of friends that last through time, and although we don't see each other that often he still considers me a great friend, and he would never think or say anything like that.

I've been noticing through my therapy and through just paying attention to my emotions more lately that a huge problem I have is self confidence, and the presence of so many insecurities. I may not seem insecure, but I have feelings all the time that people just don't like me, or they don't want me around. This is a big part of my anxiety and depression. I'm afraid to call people, my friends who I see all the time because I think that if they didn't call me they must be busy or not want to talk to me... obviously this isn't true, it's just how I feel. ALL THE TIME.

I'm pretty sure that's the last conversation I ever had with him. Kyle didn't like the phone so we never really talked on it before, so I remember leaving him a few messages letting him know I'm available and would like to see him but he never called back. And I got nervous that he didn't like me anymore and I stopped calling... Now I miss him, I miss him so much. I miss his laugh and his ability to make me feel beautiful and talented. I miss singing with him and playing games. I miss everything. So so much. But I'm afraid, I'm afraid it's been too long and I'm afraid I don't matter anymore. And I can't risk confirming those fears.

i love you different

I love you


I love you too


okay, well are you sure that by "love" you mean what I said?


...?


...?


Once in a while I can actually apply something I learned in AP English to real life, but don't tell my teacher because I dropped her class senior year and refused to come back no matter how much she begged. My laziness prevailed and I didn't want to do all the work. Plus the lady be crazy. Loved her, but not interested in having books I've read so many times I have to make a new cover for it out of a gift bag... although the handles would be nice.


The Bridge of San Luis Rey


It's one or those stories that if they made it into a move it would be "Love Actually"-esque; I love that movie.


The story is about different types of love, and how although you can love someone to your deepest capacity, it may not be enough, and it's never the same.


If you don't feel like reading it, I'll give you some important points.


"Either we live by accident and die by accident, or we live by plan and die by plan. Some say that we shall never know and that to the gods we are like the flies that the boys kill on a summer day, and some say, on the contrary, that the very sparrows do not lose a feather that has not been brushed away by the finger of God."


Does your life have a meaning, a plan, a purpose? It's one of the questions the book poses. It basically asks if we've learned what we were meant to, if we've become the best version of ourselves, we've served our purpose in the world and all the lives we'll ever touch in it, is that the moment we die? Is life done when it's done because we no longer serve a purpose. Or, can our death serve a bigger purpose than our life ever could?


And then there is love. All kinds of love. Sibling love. Parental love. Romantic love. The story follows the lives of 5 people who die when a bridge fell, and it leads you to decided whether life is meaningful and therefore the end of it represents something, or if it's all just random and doesn't matter whatsoever.


"Now [Esteban] discovered that secret from which one never quite recovers, that even in the most perfect love one person loves less profoundly than the other. There may be two equally good, equally gifted, equally beautiful, but there may never be two that love one another equally well"


I love you different.

And you get to decide if different is okay, if different is enough.

gleek allert

I don't know how many times I've vocalized this but since I'm sure I haven't blogged about it it doesn't matter.

I love Glee. Obviously. I am human after all. I not only love the juicy high school drama and the "finding yourself" aspect of most of the characters so far, but the music. Really that's what keeps me.

Home is my favorite, Kristin Chenoweth is my favorite.


                   I dare you to watch that and not get goose bumps. 

But what isn't my favorite is the writers apparent disregard for basic math skills.

Final episode: 4 judges, 3 teams. New directions looses.

This is not possible.

Sue voted for them, that means there are three judges left to vote.

If Vocal Adrenaline (who didn't have that much "vocals" in their final performance...) got all three votes from the other judges New Directions would have come in second

If Vocal Adrenaline only got 2 votes from the other judges and the other team whose name escapes got one that would mean New Directions, who got one also, tied for second.

There is no way they got last if Sue voted for them, and she did. I saw her write it. F-you Glee people. Stop pissing me off. I hate that I love you! I want to love that I love you.

Next year starts Tuesday night, and per usual I'll be glued to the tube.

quick conversation

eating peanut butter filled pretzel nuggets

Me: what is it about peanut butter that destroys gum?


David: You're chewing gum?


Me: ... not any more


David: ...


Me: You still haven't answered my question. And why are you looking at me like that?


David: You know. *walks away*


It's a wonder I still have people who want to spend time with me. Happy Friday.

homeless people

On my way to work there has been a homeless man standing on a corner the last three mornings in a  row. Today it's raining and he has no umbrella. But he is still out there, with his sign saying "Homeless, no alcohol, no drugs, please help."

He sort of looks like Santa, long white beard, big belly, kind eyes. I'm very sad for him right now, because if he is choosing to stand outside in the rain, that's probably his only option.

Normally I feel only half bad for the homeless beggars I see, but with this economy the rate of homeless people near me seems to be jumping, a lot. I don't live in a big city, I live near dead cities; and in Akron and Cleveland where the only good things we had (rubber, Labron James) are long gone, I feel like more and more people are resorting to begging verses trying harder to get a job and stay on their feet. And these people I don't feel sorry for. If so many people didn't live off of the government people like me wouldn't fork over so much in taxes every pay check and I'd have more money to spend... basically they'd have more money to make, and everything would be a lot better. But since a far too large percent of people are living on unemployment, food stamps, and welfare, it takes twice as long for me to earn enough money to blow some on fun stuff. Homeless people normally make me angry.

But this guy, in the rain... I feel genuinely sad for him. Especially since I've started typing this the rain has picked up and there is no way he isn't freezing. I want to buy him an umbrella on my lunch. And 50 nuggets from McDonalds. And let him sit in my car so he can sleep in peace.

poo poo on my shoe

As the eighth installment of these 30 truths comes out of my finger tips I'm forced to admit something: I don't really think I have anything to write about...

I mean, everyone was bullied, and everyone has been mean to someone too. I wasn't abused as a child, I've never has anyone hurt me in a way that scared me permanently, I don't think I have any grudges that present them self at random moments based on how someone treated me.

If I have a reoccurring problem with someone it's usually because they hurt someone I love. As in, someone who was mean to my sister, or mean to my friend, or to my mother. I can deal with the crap people dish to me because I'm (almost) always there, and I get to decide if it's a big enough issue to warrant my immediate attention or if it's just not deserving of my time. When someone wrongs a person I love I'm not necessarily there, I can't fight for them, I don't get to ride in on a white horse and beat the crap out of someone for being mean to them.

I keep saying 'mean'... I swear I'm not eight years old

Since I don't have anyone in my life who "made it Hell" I think I'll write about someone who I just let treat me poorly, until I wised up and kicked him out of my life.

Someone who treated me poorly

I will start with saying that I've made stupid decisions in my days, and the decision to date Malcolm* was a bad one. It was my second semester in the musical school and I was having a good ol' time dating many a boy because I was finally not in high school where that stigma prevents a lot of young people from having a pleasant dating experience (dating monogamously in high school makes no sense. you're 16... why should you limit the boys you kiss to only one because that's what everyone else is doing? You don't know who you are, let alone who you should be "going steady" with...) and I was enjoying the freedom from not being tied down.

*name has not been changed because I don't care that much

Then came Malcolm.

He was new to the university because he had decided to transfer mid year and he played the trombone. He and I didn't have any classes together because he technically was behind since he joined the program late. He was okay I guess, not ugly, left handed, and he was really smitten with me. I don't care who you are, being sought after is nice, even if you're not that interested.

So Malcolm followed me around and was really persistent and the other guys in my life sort of just stopped meshing. Malcolm, however, was too persistent to stop trying to win my affections no matter how many times I turned him down; after all, I am amazing.

Finally, I told him I would be his girlfriend (this is after about 6 times of me saying "no"... why don't I listen to me? why?). I should have know he was not on the same page as I was because the next thing out of his mouth was, "can I make it facebook official?" I told him yes to that as well, but I didn't get on facebook for 2 days after because accepting that request was one of the scariest things I'd ever done. I liked the look of "single" beneath my name. It made the independence that I exuded in bright waves more legitimate, and it also let every guy I went out with aware of the fact that I was not their girlfriend, one date is never enough for me to decide that, even if it's awesome.

Malcolm and I officially dated for 5 short months, and in that time he took my self esteem from here to here, and if you can't see my hands imagine something really high, going to something a lot lower. Eloquent, I know.

Malcolm is black, and his mother hated me. It wasn't just because I was white, it's because I was white and I was dating her son. She couldn't stand not only the color of my skin, but also the way I acted. I don't know how I was supposed to act around her, but apparently everything I did was wrong. I did learn a lot of valuable things about relationships through this experience, and it starts with his mother.

Rule 1: if the family doesn't like you, get out. There is always a blurry line with this one, winning over a guys mother takes time, but if they refuse to get to know you because of things like your skin color (accent, where you live, education, religion, things like this) you have no hope of getting on their good side, and when you date a guy you also date his family. It is a huge plus if they like you because he likes you, but this is rarely the case.

Malcolm never stood up to his mother about me, this was a big "treated you like shit" move. If he loved me like he claimed he wouldn't have let his mother say the things about me that she did. She never said anything hateful to my face, but there was so much hostility in the way she looked at me, and never acknowledging me verbally is another huge problem. Lady was a bitch. Malcolm didn't care.

The next huge problem with Malcolm was the possessiveness/jealousy. Once we were walking into a restaurant and I had on a top that was cut low (It was spring, the season when the boobs come out, and I have huge ones that refuse to stay hidden. Why hide Gods gift? I see no point). A man, in his early fifties mind you, looked at me. I didn't notice, if I had I probably would have found it funny. It was funny. Malcolm got mad at me and scolded me for wearing low cut shirts. I was confused. If I wore them he too got to look at my boobs, why would he want me to hide them? Who cares if some old guy looks. They're just boobs, it's not like I had sex with the guy. I wasn't allowed to talk to friends I'd had in high school because they were boys. I wasn't allowed to be alone with another guy because Malcolm didn't want me to. This is where it gets dicey. I do what I want. I did what I wanted. He got pissed, I got pissed, I then decided to lie to him and that's never good. I shouldn't have had to lie. I should have been allowed to be friends with whomever I wanted. It's a girls right to do so.

Rule 2: if I guy tries to control you in any way (how you dress, who you're friends with, the books you read, shows you watch or don't) get out. You are your own person. If your boyfriend can't trust you enough to let you make your own decisions get the fuck out. Trust is love.

Finally the last straw with him was how me made me feel insignificant. I didn't even want to initially date this guy and he somehow manipulated me into feeling like I would never be good enough. I wasn't funny. I was boring. I didn't have fun friends or interesting things to say. In reality he is the boring one. Watching sports center multiple times a day is boring. Only interest in a few areas and no desire to learn more, no curiosity for life is boring. No sense of humor is boring. I have no idea how he turned it around and was able to make me feel weird and boring and like a loser, but he did it. He and I didn't mesh, but because I didn't listen to myself and continue saying no, I dated a guy who made me feel like crap all the time. That's not love, no matter how many times you say it. Love lifts you up, and he pushed me down so that he could be above me. Men who need to dominate are crap. He was crap. The whole relationship was crap.

Rule 3: Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're worth less (not worthless... worth less than you are worth, which is a whole lot). You are amazing, and you need to date someone who also thinks you're amazing. If you're dating a guy who in any way at all makes you feel badly about something you like, something you are (this doesn't include bad things such as self harming, addictions, being a serial murderer... those are bad) get out. The type of people that need to bring others down to feel good are terrible people, they need to date each other, not you.

Rule 4: Date someone who "gets you"... if your senses of humor don't match, you won't have fun. They need to see you as better than you see yourself, they need to think you're funny, they need to think you're smart, they need to value you as a person and understand (and if they can't understand at least sympathise with) you. opposites attract, and it is our differences that keep us together, but it's the ability to appreciate each other that makes it enjoyable.

But what came out of it was a smarter girl. One who can recognise when someone is trying to change you or belittle you. I'm smarter for it, so it was worth it.

my phone is alive

My phone made it! It took a long nap in my car in the sun yesterday and after that it worked just like it was before. Perfection.

I wish I could have put it in the microwave to heat the water up to get it steamed out, but you know, microwaves and metal don't go hand in hand. They go hand in fire. And I didn't feel like melting anything.

I have to post about something that I find very important in a single persons life: instant coffee. Just listen.

When I was dating David my mother bought him a coffee pot for Christmas (mostly because I wanted one...) and he and I made lots of coffee and drank it all the time together because couples can't find anything more fun to do together than drink coffee... Now that I'm single I still want coffee all the time, but making a 12 cup pot and microwaving it is just not as good. And wasting all that time to make a 1 cup pot is just a waste of time. I don't see the point.

I like coffee. I like it a lot. I like my coffee like I like my men, strong, fresh, and BLACK!

This is only partly true. I sometimes like pumpkin spice in it.

And I honestly only have a few things I am unconsciously attracted to, left handedness is the main one. Of all the men I've dated 90% are left handed, and I haven't dated a righty since I was in high school. It's one of those things that can't be a coincidence, too few people are left handed for me to just pick them out of a crowd. It's more than that, I must see something in the lefties that I don't in people who are like me. Don't ask me to try to explain it because you'll think I'm crazy.

I've noticed that when I try to explain things slash make a legitimate connection between things and my life I sound like a nutter. I look far too deeply into things. My mother says I can't see the forest for the trees; well I'm too busy categorizing the leaves on the ground to be bothered with the whole tree, let alone the forest.

Forest>Tree>Bean>Coffee

Back to coffee. I think that a mini coffee pot would not only be adorable but great; however scooping brewing, cleaning and all the work involved for  a pot of coffee isn't really worth the work for one cup. Why do you think people pay 4 bucks for one cup in the morning? Morning equals lazy, even if you're a morning person. I'm a morning person and although I wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed I still don't feel like brewing and cleaning a pot of coffee just for one or even two cups.

That, my lovelies, is where instant coffee comes in. My mother bought me Folgers coffee bags (like a tea bag, only coffee; you steep it in hot water, dunk a few times and drink) a while back and I actually like them a lot. They are really easy, and they taste pretty good too. You can make them as strong or as weak as you want.

But since I've recently hit up a Starbucks for some pumpkin spice chai tea latte goodness (yumm, oh em gee, so good) I decided to pick up their new Via (do not buy it from Amazon, it's less than $10 if you buy it from Starbucks and there is no shipping) and now I'm in total love! It's very strong (well, for me) and super delicious. Plus I got a dollar fifty off the drink I purchased too. Can't argue with that.

My sister used to work at Starbucks but since shes a big kid now with her teacher degree and everything I can't get the free stuff... which is crap. But, I'll settle for this. It's great and I can make it in my office with no percolator or filters or mess whatsoever.

Via is vantastic! Okay, I'm done.

story of my life

So I spilled my entire water bottle in my purse this morning and I only noticed it when I noticed the 4+ foot long puddle draining from somewhere...

I saved my Kindle, than God. I saved my iPod, thank God again.

However, I may not have saved my phone.

I can't tell if it's totally gone to the shitter because it sometimes turns on and then only white screens after about a minute, other times it'll just go straight to the white screen. The water mark spot is intact, I think water just got in through the ear piece and into the mechanical parts and now I don't have a phone.

To people who know my history this sort of mishap is probably not a surprise to you, but to the people I've yet to share my strange water related phone homicide list let me elaborate...

I've only killed phones with water, nothing else really. Age has only happened to one of my phones, the first one, and I had it for 3 years. I thought it was really neat because the screen had color, you now realize how long ago that was.

The list of water related accidents begins with me dropping it into my dogs water dish... the worst part is that his dish was in the corner of the room. Please don't ask why I had my phone out in the corner of the room, I don't actually know why. I just know that for the entire room to be completely dog dish free and the bit I dropped my phone into to have the water was statistically significant. I should have known then that I was cursed.

My next phone was set directly into a glass with an inch of water in it because I thought it was empty and after driving my friend to the airport at 5am setting my phone into the cup seemed like the best place. How I missed an entire inch of water I'll never know. it was 5am, I was tired.

After that I was at work one night carrying my phone in my apron and a tray with about 15 full glasses of dirty water on it. Dirty in the sense that people had put their mouths and sticky hands all over them. I walk into the kitchen and somehow manage to dump the entire trey all over myself. So, not only was I soaking wet from a million glasses of water, embarrassed because I spilled with no trigger to the clumsiness that I'm rather prone too, but my phone was destroyed. The cosmos hate me.

Now, for the fourth time I've killed a phone with water.

I can't have nice things.

how my texts turn really dirty, really fast

I love T9, it saves me so much time. No I don't have an on screen key board, or even a pop out one. I'm not into that, I like to text with one hand, while I'm driving, or at night with my eyes closed...

This is how I accidentally send really awkward texts, and in response lose a lot of friends.

'Are you dating her, or just want to be dating her?' became 'Are you eating her, or just want to be eating her?' Because according to T9 eating is a more commonly used word than dating...

"I don't care that much' became "I don't barf that much" because I had to add barf to my dictionary recently and it decided since it was important enough for me to add it it is now the most important option.

'Harry Potter' is 'Happy routs' if I don't pay attention.

'don't' becomes 'foot' if I forget the apostrophe.

'bumming it' became 'cumming it' once, and I felt like an idiot. A gross sticky idiot.

The bad news is that skynet is out there, disguised as T9. The good news is that I don't barf that much since it's still pretty stupid.

someone I'm better for knowing

Throughout this 30 days of truth adventure I've found that my posts sort of write themselves, and the best ones use little to no premeditation because lets be honest, the stuff in my head is best when I don't have too much time to think about it and just word vomit all over the world and you readers get to sift out the beautiful pieces.

Word vomit, yum.

However, I was a naughty girl and started to write this post yesterday only to find that not only did it suck, it really sucked. And so did I. I sucked, so I had to stop writing. That was yesterday, I have slept since then (not well though, I have a terrible crick now from a strange position I found mid night and I can't turn my head to the left which made driving this morning rather hard since most of my merges were accompanied by lots of neck pain. God I'm old) and I am fresh from my V8 splash and ready to write.

Someone who has made my life worth living

If I begin by saying that this is almost the most stupid question here than maybe you'll think I'm being weird, I mean everyone has that certain person who changed them for good... but made my life worth living crosses a line I will draw for you.

Here is my life, right here the way it is. Over there is a person who makes this place over here worth existing... without that person my life over here isn't worth anything all by it's lonesome. I, me here in my life, can't imagine living without this one solitary person... therefore I refuse to do it without them. It just wouldn't be worth it.

See what I'm saying? It basically makes me feel like I shouldn't have a reason to live if it weren't for this imaginary person I can't think of or name, mainly because if it isn't me than I can't think of anyone.

Instead, because this is my blog and I'm amazing, I'd rather write about people who have had a huge positive impact on my life, and I'll describe a little of how I'm better for knowing them. That's what the seventh truth should be: someone I'm better for knowing.

I'll start with the most profound change I went through. Bobby, my best friend who I go up and down about almost as many times as I blink, is the main reason I can not only love the way I do, but accept and see people for the individual beautiful things that they are. Bobby is gay. When he and I met we sort of hit it off almost instantly. He was trying to date my friend and I was there to either approve of him or say he was lame. instead, he and I ended up dating and falling in love. Not only was he my first love, but he has shown me that just because you're in romantic love with someone that doesn't mean you have to stay that way forever. When he told me he was gay I chastised him because I was ignorant and hateful. I told him things I'd rather forget. I was horrible, and I didn't understand. He loved me the best way he could, which didn't involve romance. And I loved him in a different way, and it took a long way for me to realize not only that he couldn't change it, but I shouldn't ask him too. He is amazing just the way he is, and being gay isn't a sin just like being straight isn't a sin. I was lucky enough to be forced to look at homosexuality from the stand point of someone who was so in love with the person I couldn't just hate him. If it weren't for him I'd never have done the research I've done (as a christian and a scientist) and come to the knowledge that it's really just outdated thinking that homosexuality is a choice and that gay people have just as much choice as straight people. The Bible was written back when people had no concept oh cellular development and DNA and therefore no ability to fully understand things like homosexuality.

Which just means that since the church is looking at the Bible like irrefutable fact (verses just a general guideline as to how we should live our lives: love) you should realize that God helped us discover science for a reason, so we could use it and appreciate his creatures for what they are, not hate them for what they're not. God is love, and love doesn't do hateful things. I see that now, because Bobby was willing to stick with me through that learning process and he loved me enough to take the crap I dealt him while my eyes were opened.

The next people I'm better for knowing are my parents. Although they divorced when I was six, I've learned a lot from them together and separate. From my mother I learned to be mostly self reliant; and that no one can help you if you're not trying. I learned that women are not only just as capable as men, but you have to to more just to be on the same level. She showed me that education is the most important thing and no matter how many road blocks you face along the way as long as you know where you're going you'll be able to get there with faith (in yourself and God). My father showed me that life isn't worth living if you can't be happy; and if someone or something is directly interfering with your right to be happy, you have the right to get rid of it. My parents love me, no matter how much they don't want to be together; and when you're young and your parents divorce, knowing that they both love you unconditionally and want you to be happy is really important. They taught me that my individuality is something to embrace and celebrate; and although I never really fit in with my other two sisters, I still have a very important place in the family. I'm really lucky to have grown up with those two for parents, not to mention my cute cheek bones from my mother and my great hair from my dad.

Ellen, you're the last person I'm going to talk about here and you sort of fit into the category of people that have made my life worth living and people who have changed me in a profound way. Firstly, it's freaking weird how were in the exact situation at the same time and we have these earth shattering realizations within moments of each other. However, I love that about us. Having you here to lean on recently has not only kept me going, but seeing that you're here too makes it more bearable. No one is as wonderful as you are (yes I'm crying right now typing this to the blog world, but mostly to you). You've shown me that strength is from within, and with each step more hard things come, but that happiness is never anyone eles responsibility and I can do it all. Your faith in me gives me faith in me. You make me get out of bed and off my ass because there are a lot of days I'd just go home and do nothing but bask in self loathing if it weren't for you. You see the potential in me when I can't. You make me feel normal (to an extent, we all know I'm not that normal). You help me see hope. You've helped me reconnect with the world when I didn't see it. You show me that girls really are better than boys... and I love your friends and I love you for including me in that group of wonderful women I never would have know without you. You're helping me see that the girl I really a on the inside is not only worth loving, but can live without the one guy I thought I would have to... basically, through you and your awesomeness I see that I too am awesome.

maybe if i remembered to name my posts people would actually read them...

Therapy before noon is proving to be one of the most difficult morning activities I've ever done. I'm so drained right now I can barely keep from yawning every 5 seconds. Also, I have a headache from crying that just hasn't gone away yet. Does anyone else get headaches from crying? It's just one of the many reasons I don't like doing it.

My goal for my next session, which won't be for two more weeks, is to think about my goals. I have a few already in my head and I think it'll be good to talk about them with her.

I'd like to not be so dependant on other peoples opinions to validate my self worth.

I'd like to be confident in my own self worth and not base it on what I do; but rather who I am as a person.

I want to be able to control my reactions to my emotions better, especially when they are related to hormonal mood swings.

I may want to take something for my hormonal mood swings, this next week and a half or so is when I usually flip my shit and turn into the girl I hate so much. If medicine can help with that, I want to try it.

I want to learn how to stand up for myself to everyone (friends and family included) in a healthy way and be able to get my point across without dragging every little qualm I have for the person out into the open because I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I want to be able to not only pick my battles but know when to fight them.

I think that's a pretty good list for now.

never ever have I ever...

Have you played that game? Accompanied by alcohol or not, I always seem to get to a point where I can't think of anything I haven't done, and can only think of the things I have done.

In reality I haven't done so many things that I'd like to. I've never jumped from a plane or a high bridge. I've never been off this continent. I've never used a passport. I've never graduated college. I've never owned a car or a house. I've never even had my own pet.

This last part is particularly sad seeing as I fell in love with an amazing kitten with little white paws and a cute little mew over the weekend that was looking for a loving home. And I wanted to be the one who gave it to him. Sadly, I have a total ass of a cat who lives with me that takes the hugest poops on the planet and beats up other kitties for no reason other than he is a tool. I knew I couldn't offer the baby kitty a safe place to live without first offing the current cat that lives in my house and I just couldn't bring myself to do that.

So here I am, kitten-less and thinking about

Something I hope I never have to do.

for the 6th instalment of my challenge.

I came to this conclusion after typing a list of things I never want to do and since my life is highly influenced by Radiolab I came up with a really good answer.

I never want to have to choose between my life and someone else's. Or someone else's life and someone else's. I don't ever want to have to decided whose life is more valuable. Ever.

This means a few things. I never want to have to kill anyone, be it self defense or in war to ensure my own safety. I never want to have to choose between saving this person or that person; no matter how much love I have for one or all parties involved. I never want to have to value any one life over another, for any reason, ever.

I have all these beliefs that contradict directly with this, but I'm thinking that when the time came, I'd have no idea what I'd do, so I'm hoping I never have to.

I support the death penalty... but if I were actually on the jury I'd need a whole lot of evidence before I called the person guilty. Yes the bible says an eye for an eye, and yes I believe some people just won't change and deserve to die; but I know it also says that we are to leave the judging to God.

I am pro choice for so many reasons, and the main one being I believe that no matter if abortion is legal or not, women will still do it; I want women to have a safe, non judgemental medical facility to abort the pregnancy if that's what they think is best. Unfortunately, the metal coat hanger will never go out of style; but I want there to be another option. Because some people just shouldn't be parents, and some children deserve a better life than to be born addicted to drugs or into a home of people who didn't want them and won't take care of them. I believe that if there is a birth defect that will inhibit that person from ever having a normal life and will not ever let the parents have a normal life after, there should be the option to not go through with it. In nature the mother of litters will ignore the runt or defect baby in a litter, people won't. And the money that can be saved and spent on bringing up a healthy child the next time around makes logical sense to me. But I'm not pregnant, and I don't have this choice in front of me, and I never actually want to have to make it.

If you have an hour and want to listen to some pretty smart people talk about morality and where it comes from clickety click on the thing below. Then, once your mind has been blown and you feel like a few doors in your brain you didn't know were there just opened, go to radiolab.org and find more things to change your life in a positive way.

big goals

Something you hope to do in your life.

I grew up in a house where my mother told me I could do anything I wanted, and in reality this isn't true, but it was a nice gesture. Kids don't need to know that the world pisses on you as soon as you walk out the door, they don't need to know that people will try to cut you down in a sad attempt to bring themselves up, and kids don't need to know that they probably won't be able to do everything they want because money isn't as easy to come by as you thought and even of you're qualified someone is probably more qualified so you're basically screwed.

I grew up wanting to be a veterinarian, an astronaut, and a professional singer. I wanted to have a dog and kids and a big back yard for them to play in. I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be a wife.

Now, I just want to be alone... sort of. I want to be able to do what I want without having to rely on anyone else. I'd still like to get married, finding that special someone willing to spend the rest of their lives with me (and who I am willing to spend the rest of my life with) would be nice, but I'm to the point where I've realized that happiness is my own thing, no one can make me happy, therefore I can't rely on anyone else to do it.

What I really want for my life is to find my happy place, fill it with people I love, and live my life as a wife or a mother or a single person happily with less stress than people with unrealistic goals or a discontented heart. I want to be happy they way I'm supposed to be and I don't want to fight the universe. I don't want a white picket fence, I don't want a dog and a house and a baby on my arm. I mean, maybe, but those aren't my goals. My goals are to be happy and to stay happy. To go to bed smiling and to wake up the same way. I'm not going to do things I know I can't, I'm not going to be someone I know I'm not. I'm going to be me, I'm going to find where I fit into the big picture and I'm going to bask in the glory that is life.

things I'm super excited about

blardy blar blar

These past few posts have been real serious, and since I'm not really in a serious mood and I actually am excited about things I'd thought I'd make things a little spicy and turn up the heat.

That was a joke. I don't know how to make things spicy. Do they offer a blog class on "how to be funny when you're naturally awkward and not funny"? I don't know. I did get a "how to blog" book for Christmas from my sister, I read half of it and decided I didn't really care anymore. Plus my sister commandeered it and tried to blog for a hot minute (which is shorter than a cold minute because of molecules and such). Not everyone can do it. I'm special. *glitter*

I've noticed that my pants are fitting looser! I think it has a lot to do with previously stated "stress eating" and that I'm less stressed recently (I am taking control of those bloody emotions, I am!) and haven't been snacking as much.

I felt my sisters nugget of a baby kick for the first time the other day (I know that he is due in less than 2 months, I'm just never there when he decided to do the kickey thing) and that little guy is actually real! It's alive! I'm going to love him forever.

I'm actually being a good food blogger and have pictures ready to accompany posts for 2 whole recipes! It's good to have goals. Maybe that's why I lost motivation for a while there, I was unable to see the end, so the middle didn't matter. Small goals, the end is in sight.

My no spend month has been okay so far. I went out to eat a few times, I bought tickets to two shows, and I bought 4cd's from amazon earlier this week... but in reality I've done really well for my first time. I'm not sure if I'm going to try it again in September, because I do need to spend money without feeling guilty sometimes (you can't just not have fun, I'm trying to heal here people).

Saturday night my D&D campaign died. It was sad, I wasn't there because it was my dads birthday. I now have Saturday nights free to do whatever I want. This is a good and bad thing. It was nice to never have to worry about making plans for a Saturday night, but it was also tedious when I never got to make plans for a Saturday night.

Glee is starting up in a few short weeks and I'm literally peeing my pants in anticipation! I love the Glee!

Pumpkin spice is back!

3 day weekend coming up and I have decided to make another pie. I made one earlier this week but apparently my room mates aren't fans of the "don't eat the last of something" (especially if it's my pie!!) rule I though we all partook in. partake. partooken... ? You wouldn't think that my pants are getting looser with the fact that I made a pie, a cake, and cookies this past week; but it is. I really can say wonderful things about relaxing and the positive correlation with your health. I'm no where near as carefree and awesome as I was before all this animosity came into my life; but I'm really trying to do things that will help me, and not just playing mother to everyone else. I still have really tense muscles (does anyone out there give good massages? I'm available...) and I still get anxiety, but I am sleeping better; I think I'm finally getting used to sleeping alone again. It's really nice to have all the pillows to myself. I can never stress that enough.

My little sister is an aid to one of my favorite teachers form high school, Kurtz, and its funny because she is fine admitting Teresa is her sister, but she hates that people associate her with me (I think it's because I'm so pretty...). So this teacher kept telling her she reminded her of someone (me) and Carol finally admitted our relatedness and Kurtz said we are the exact same person. This worries/excites me. Worry: I talked to Kurtz about sex. I talked to her about other things too like my love for oceanography and how I think staying after class and watching blue planet is more entertaining than going to lunch (shut up! I'm a geek, I've told you this), but the fact that she was one of the only people I told about something rather naughty I did just before graduation (I was legally an adult, Carol is not, another worry) makes me worry that she is associating my little sister with me based on out apparent sluttyness. Excited: Kurtz is a great teacher and an overall great woman. Carol is lucky to have her. Also, and I'll honestly say here that I think she is hesitant to tell people she's my little sister for fear that they'll get all sorts of expectations because I was really involved and a good student, I think that by having someone relate Carol to me, even though it's probably not for her academic skills, she may realize that you can be cool (I did just call myself cool, yes) and studious and if you're friends with people who genuinely like you for who you are they won't care if you're both. 

"You know what wednesday is, right? Hump Day" -Mr. Schuester