gaah, life is hard sometimes

My therapist sucks because she makes me think about the things I pretend aren't bothering me. I sit there, for forty minutes talking about my mother, and how she drives me crazy, my dog, and how he is the cutest fur ball on the planet, my older sister, who is far too sympathetic towards my mother... and then, she asks me about my relationships.

Yes, you read that right.

Relationships.

With an "s".

As in plural...

Because I still have really strong feelings for Kyle and she is one of the few people who knows this.

She says that I light up when I talk about him, and that it sounds like I'm talking about the one I'm in love with, not just a friend. When I describe the way he makes me feel, how much fun we have together, how he is an amazing listener... she says that I'm happy, and she can see it in my eyes.

But with Tom, my boyfriend (is it just me, or does that still sound weird coming out of my mouth?) I seem to be making excuses. I like him, that's evident, just not with the same glow in my heart and light in my eye.

Being with him is fun, just not as fun... not as hilarious... not as much of anything. At all.

When Tom and I first started seeing each other, Kyle was out of the picture; he had decided that there was too much attachment happening (for both of us) and since he is damaged goods and can't give me his heart (note: won’t) I needed to quit him. We needed to quit each other.

What we were doing was bad for us both.

I hated him for making that decision. I hated him for taking the hope that we would someday figure everything out and be together. I hated not being the one to get to make that choice, I hate not having control, I want to be the one who decides when things are over (or beginning, or where we're going for dinner, or what color the walls should be...) and being told by someone else pissed me off.

And my heart hurt, Kyle was (and is) really special to me.

Kyle and I weren't talking, Ellen was in Geneva, David had fooled around with a girl on new years and hurt my heart so much I was sure it was going to break in half... I was lonely as shit.

And along came Tom, my knight in shining Irish armor with the bluest eyes I've ever seen. He swept me off my lonely feet and into his gigantic muscular arms. I felt safe, I felt wanted, I felt comfortable and warm and beautiful. He made all the hurt that was in my heart not as hard to bear, he helped me feel like I was worth something again... He was everything, he was the only guy in my life who I cared about (on the outside) and he made everything better.

My feelings for him were real, but very subjective.

David is my best friend again because I've forgiven him for being a major ass. Kyle is back in my life because it's sort of hard to actually get rid of someone who means so much to you, and while Ellen is still in Geneva, I'm doing better. Merry and I see each other on a pretty regular basis, which means that I'm not starving for female companionship.

So all the deep passionate quasi-needy feelings I felt for Tom have been subdued. I still want him, I still feel comfortable with him and enjoy our time together... it's just not so much of a need. It's not so much of a want. The void he was required to fill is no longer void and he's no longer the only thing filling it.

I have my best guy friend back, I have Kyle to do the things with no one else wants to do with me (glee anyone?) and Tom... well...

I like him, so much. But I need to make room for him in my life before he can matter to me as much as I matter to him. He is one of those guys who are generally annoyed by all things female. I guess I'm lucky because I am in the same boat.

Why are women so annoying?

So Tom choosing me for more than horizontal fun is something I should be proud of. Him wanting to see me and talk to me on a regular basis just shows me again how I'm not like normal women.

Yes I cried at Marley and Me, but who didn't? Yes I get all emotional when the red river is about to flow, but who doesn't? Yes, I think mini things are cute (even if it's cheese, how cute are those mini cheese rounds?) and all things baby make my face crunch up and higher than normal pitch talk come out of my mouth, but who doesn't? All I'm saying is that the normal: think it's cute to be stupid, never have anything of substance to say, just plain annoying to listen to and be with is what makes me special for not being those things. It also helps that I don't hate sports and I love Batman.

So, in order to make room for him in my life I am going to tell Kyle it really has to be over this time. No random texts about fifty cent fake moustache machines, no hanging out and drinking, no me letting his dog out because he'll be home late for work, no Sunday cinnamon rolls, no glee marathons on hulu... nothing.

Because as I'm writing this I, realize that he means way more to me than all of those things. He takes up a pretty big portion of my heart... and I want to give that portion and the rest to Tom. He deserves it, he deserves me, the whole me. He is a wonderful person, and me being selfish like this is horrible.

Kyle had the opportunity to have me; I was more than willing. I need to let him take his decision and walk, because having my heart and my head disagree on my relationship is a very bad thing.