day 1

Something that I hate about myself

I guess that this list decided to start out with me laying it all out on the table, because if you know what I hate about myself first, than maybe everything after will make sense.

One thing, only one thing.

Hate, such a strong word. I don't know if I hate this, but I do not like it very much. I hate the fact that I'm not very motivated. I get in moods sometimes where I am a whirlwind of productivity. But those moments are few and far between. It's sort of pathetic really. I can't even bring myself to do something I know I'll enjoy sometimes, and that is a symptom of depression, I know that; but I feel like it's deeper than that.

I hate to be nagged. If someone nags me that makes me not want to do it even more. I'll do nothing rather than something just to defy someone who has nagged me.

I stopped going to college for a lot of reasons, but the main one was I had lost the motivation to continue with music Ed... and I lot the motivations to fix the other problem that prevented me from going back all together. Now, almost 2 years later I'm miserable with my job and its taken so much more work just to get everything handled so I could apply somewhere else. If I had motivation back then when I first noticed the problem I could be almost done. But now, I have to start all over, 4 years after high school and basically feel like a failure when anyone talks about where they are and what they are doing with their lives.

I'm not an idiot, in fact I'm really smart. but I guess I'm one of those smart kids who doesn't feel competitive enough to try any harder then they ever had to. Which is true. I'm smart enough to do well with little effort, so I put forth very little effort, do well and have very little sense of accomplishment. I hate that. I hate that I can't succeed... won't succeed because I won't try.

I need to get motivated.