therapy

My first therapy appointment was today, and although according to my mother whatever happens in there is my business and my business only; according to me if I don't blog about it, it didn't happen.

Kidding.

Sort of.

If I don't blog about it I don't have to talk about it with anyone I don't want to because no one has proof that anything happened... therefore it didn't happen.

I'm not telling you what that was about. It didn't happen. So shut up.

Back to therapy.

I think that I have a God complex... I also think I have control issues.

Elaborate.

Okay

I like to drive. I like to drive because I like to control every single step of the journey that can be controlled, such as when I arrive, the rout I take, and most importantly, when I leave. I get nervous when other people drive for a few reasons. 1) I'm almost positive that they will kill me with their poor driving skills and inability to pay attention to the road and the radio and whatever else they think is more important than protecting my life. And 2) I can leave when I want to. I've decided this stems from the fact that I have no idea recently where my life is going and so I'm overcompensating for lack of direction in my life with the physical need to have complete control over where I'm going.

I also hate asking for help because I think that I should be able to take care of everything for myself by myself. I regularly have to tell myself that God put other people here to make our lives easier, and I can't do everything. That doesn't mean I don't experience a huge inner turmoil any time I have to ask anyone for anything.

These are my observations; the therapist didn't day these things. I decided them on my own (I, Denise, aka God).

Seriously though, I feel so much better. I said some things about my relationship with David that I hadn't ever thought before because she helped me get to them. She helped me see that the light at the end of the tunnel is real, and it's not just a fabrication of my imagination and that although my relationship with David is over, it's still really fresh (magnified by the fact that I haven't purged him from my life (and no, I don't want to either, I don't think it's the right decision) and that I have never been in love and had a conventional break up which makes this one all the more difficult because not only does it not make sense to me (or David) but to anyone else because they're not us.) and the stress and pain I'm experiencing isn't a sign of weakness, it's normal. I'm normal...

She noted that most/all of my stress is money related (yea...). I personally know I have issues with lazy people, I have issues with people who don't pay their own way in the world, people who are unwise with money or who use me for the fact that I'm not. I hate people who expect me to pay for them, or who make me feel used (I don't want to go into it now, but I've been used a lot in my life, by a lot of different people. It basically sucks). I hate the fact that I lost my second job and my savings is a distant memory. I hate the fact that I had to rely on my savings; but in reality I should be grateful for my ability to save like I did when I could, I should be proud of myself. People save for emergencies, losing a job is an emergency. I was prepared, I should be proud.

We talked about how I eat when I’m stressed, and how I hate that I've gained weight. We talked about how I'm really aware of my body and my emotions and my life, and how although I let everything I didn't want to deal with slip by the wayside (note: why David and I broke up) I'm seeing the problems and making the necessary steps to correct them.

I like therapy. I really do. I like that I'm taking the steps necessary to become the person I always wanted to be.