forgiveness

Lets be honest here, forgiving is not forgetting. That's why they say "forgive and forget",

and

It's important.

I'm really good at forgiving, other people that is. Forgetting, well, not so much. I may eventually forget the exact way your hair was styled when you called me a bitch as I walked by your biology class on the way to band... but I'll probably never forget the hate in your eyes as you said it, or how it made me feel after. I am the type of girl who will try to mend whatever rift happened between us, even if I don't know why you hate me (even though we all know it's just because you're a girl, and girls are bitches... all of us. Each and every one). I'll be nice to you, I'll lend you my favorite pencil knowing deep down you probably won't return it,

and this is one skill I have accidentally mastered but am very grateful for: I don't expect you to return something I lent you, and I don't expect a favor in return. I am me, I am giving and helpful. You are not me, I don't expect from you what I would give. If I did I'd be disappointed a lot. I'm lucky: I don't lend without intent to give.

I'll buy you lunch when you forget your wallet, I'll drive you places and share things with you; even after you treated me poorly. That's me, You can be mean to me but I'll be nice back. Because I want to find out why you hate me, because I usually know what I did wrong, and if I didn't, I want to find out. And fix it. I like to fix things.

Unless, of course you're an old person, who is mean to me because I'm young (and literally there is no other reason). If you're old and mean, I won't be nice to you. I'll ignore you. It's what's best for both of us. You don't have that much longer to hold a grudge anyway.

But to forgive myself, well hold on a minute there. I seriously thought about this all day yesterday, because I didn't have much else to do and I recently told David I wasn't sure if I could continue to be his friend.

For our late subscribers here's a small recap: I was in love with David and he with me. Then his heart changed and we broke up. This was about 4 months ago (I'm bad with dates, excuse me). I still love him. I wish I didn't, but that's life. He still wants to be friends, I thought I could do it. It's been an uphill battle for me trying to see him as anything else but the future sperm to my eggs... and now, after hating myself every single time we came in contact with each other I've realized I can't stop loving him if I continue to let him be this huge part of my life. So, now, I am trying to redefine who I am on the inside, so I can be happy without him. Redefine is the wrong word... how about rediscover. That's better.

Something you have to forgive yourself for

I have to forgive myself for this break up. This is the second time I was ever in a break up where I was in love with the guy. The first time he was gay, so that's different. I've never had someone just stop loving me, and it's pretty shitty. But you know what? It's not my fault. Yes, I got depressed. Yes, I stopped focusing on my life outside of the relationship because I was afraid to face my problems. But no matter how messed up my side of the relationship was, he also made mistakes. He didn't communicate well. He didn't include me in his family life. He didn't tell me what was bothering him. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and it takes two to keep it up.

David didn't tell me how he was feeling, which gave me no chance to mend my ways. He was silent, till it was too late. Now, I'm left with the shambles of my life that caused me to be depressed in the first place and the animosity from a failed relationship that I'm desperately struggling to get past. Forgiving myself is the first step.