can you try to hide your crazy, please?

I guess that I should expect this, I mean, these people are from the internet... and we all know what that means.

There is nothing wrong with being a bit quirky, we all have our own things that make us particularly special and sometimes some people think those things are a bit weird. But, that's when we are allowed to hate people. You don't have to be nice to or friends with everyone, I don't care what kindergarten says... most people tend to suck. But, it's not usually on a grand scale or anything; we can tolerate them, work with them, and still have no desire whatsoever to pursue any sort of meaningful relationship with them. That's normal. Most people just end up becoming acquaintances.

The good news is that even though some people think some of our things are a bit weird, somewhere out there is a person who doesn't think it's that weird. They see us as unique, and they love it. Stars and the moon love. Want to take your weirdness and mix it up with their weirdness and make similarly weird babies love. And it's awesome. At least, I've been told.

The problem is, these internet people I've been meeting don't really hide their crazy, they throw it in my face and I am forced to deal with it. I don't really consider myself normal by any stretch of the imagination, I know I am a bit different, I like it that way, it gives me lots of opportunities to make other people feel uncomfortable and therefore make me feel awesome... but I am not really crazy crazy. Yes I am medicated right now, but more and more people now a days have anxiety and I feel no shame in admitting that I am getting help. That, right there, is the difference between my crazy and the internet people I have met recently's crazy.

I know what's wrong, I am making an effort, and I don't think that I don't need help. How can you see a therapist, but do nothing different? How can you see a therapist and get medicine and stop taking it after a week because it's not working? How can you know there is a problem and not try to find a solution? What possesses these people to think that getting a girlfriend is the first step to a happy life?

I mean, yes, I want a boyfriend, I want a husband, I want someone to love me forever... but I understand that the first step in me finding someone to love me was finding out exactly how I was supposed to love me. I know I come off as a bit cocky at times, but it's really just because I like who I am and really have no shame in making that fact known. I think that I am great, and it has taken me a while with lots of work to get here. I may physically repulse myself right now; but in the grand scheme of things, what I can't change (who I am) is pretty freaking wonderful. I don't try to make everyone happy anymore because I know I can't, and I shouldn't think that it's my responsibility.

What do you tell someone who has abandonment issues? How do you answer someone when they ask you the same question three times and won't listen to your answer?

And, what do you do when you actually like someone... but they aren't emotionally ready to start a relationship? Get the fuck off match dot com and figure out your shit then let me fall for you, because I am pissed that you're not ready and I am; and that you still want to hang out because I am really fun but there isn't a future in our plan because your heart isn't ready to think about that sort of thing yet.

Fuck me. I hate dating.

Oh, I hope you all had a merry christmas, mine was lovely. And, the bruise on my butt is a nice shade of yellowish green now, so go with that visual.