Once I was drunk, I feel like this has less to do with the story than most "I am so clumsy, hahahha, laugh at me" stories and I guess I'm just trying to set the mood.
When I drink I pee probably every fifteen minutes. Talk a bout breaking the seal, I can not go for the first three hours or so, but then it's so often I almost think I have a bladder infection. So, I'm on my 19 trip to the bathroom, I do my thing then proceed to the couch because there is always a point in every drinking adventure of mine where the couch becomes my best friend. I will grab myself three of four drinks and just camp out, continue to drink, but limit my opportunities to fall by not moving. It's a really good plan. As I am doing this David walks by the bathroom and stops, back tracks and looks at something on the wall. It's two smudge marks at exactly the same height as my nose and forehead. I honestly don't remember stopping to rest there, or accidentally hitting the wall as I passed, but that's not saying much because I don't remember things so well when I drink and it really does seem like something I would do. I mean, who hasn't walked across the room and gotten tired at some point and wanted to take a rest? Most of us just have things like pride so we don't rest most of the way to the bathroom. Along with common sense, pride is something else I lose when I drink.
I have this thing where I run in the winter, not like exercise or anything, more like to and from my car because I am freezing and want to get inside as soon as possible. Well, I'm sure you can imagine how that goes most of the time. I have gotten really good at catching myself though, because I slip so often. When I'm carrying things is when it becomes a problem. The other day I was walking out of the house and hit the ice and to catch myself I threw myself at the wall. It was pretty close, but I made it. Completely unscathed mind you, considering it was a brick wall that I threw myself at for protection I'm pretty impressed.
Two days ago I hit my head so fucking hard on my car I was sure I was going to black out. i still can't figure out how that one happened.
I don't go down stairs in socks because I have fallen down completely and slid down on my ass so many time I can't remember. If I can't hold on (or forget... like I said, forgetful while under the influence) it's almost a guarantee that I'll fall. Socks were not made for stairs.
Recently I fell between David's bed and the wall because he thought it would be funny to tickle me and push me there at the same time, once my leg couldn't hold me up anymore I was gone. And because he thought it was funny he wouldn't let me get up and continued to tickle me every time I tried. Worst ten minutes of my life. I fell with my one arm bent all up under me so I couldn't do anything because when I get tickled all my strength goes.
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| look, i'm in the ornament |
I made coffee the other day and you wouldn't think it was possible but before I even took one sip I had spilled three times. Not even little spills, huge, multiple paper and regular towels spilled. My average day includes slipping and catching myself at least three times, running into at least one stable object that hasn't been moved in forever (note: wall) and spilling one sip of every single thing I drink on myself. I step on my cat or dog on a regular basis. I drop my phone or iPod at least once each, and I cut or stab myself with at least one cooking thing if I decide to do so. If there is heat involved you can almost guarantee I'll get burnt or close to it at least once. And, when the day is said and done I'll probably slip once more for good measure.
Thank you ladies and gentleman, have a Merry Christmas!
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| want to learn to make this pie? click here |
I fell down the stairs once while trying to put a shirt on so I landed at the bottom of the stairs shirtless, bruised and crying. Talk about adding insult to injury. Geez. BE CAREFUL OUT THERE! :)
ReplyDeletePenise! I once fell on my ass on a block of concrete stepping out of a pop-up trailer in a vacant lot. I forgot about it until the next morning when I realized I had shattered my tailbone in my drunken stupor. We should drink together more often. I spill everything too, and I hate when I'm being tickled in a hostile way. I think we're a pair. :)
ReplyDeleteThe weirdest is when you fall and no one is there to see you do it. So you don't know whether to laugh at yourself, play it off, or walk away in shame. It really is a terrible dilemma. So is the constant bathroom visits when boozing it up.
ReplyDeleteNO ONE WINS.
I should have bought you a drinking helmet for Christmas.
ReplyDeleteI'd pad up for your New Year's celebration if I were you.
Later skater.
I never thought that I would actually find someone as clumsy as me...
ReplyDeleteI've given myself a bloody nose... TWICE.
Once, on the school bus from home, I was trying to pull a plastic tag off of my jacket, and it was really stuck! so, I yanked really hard, and clocked myself in the nose. WHAM! Nose bleed.
The second time, I was doing the dishes. I went to dry a plate, and I almost dropped it, as I went to stable it, my hand with the towel slipped across the plate, and I punched myself in the nose again.
This is not to mention all of the times I have walked into walls and given myself a bloody nose, or hit my face on car or bus windows and given myself a bloody nose. It's a sad state of affairs, really.
And, I'm not to be trusted around ice.
Oh Denise....you are hilarious in your clumsiness. It's great to witness and makes me feel better about my buttery fingers and slippery feet. Go. Us.
ReplyDelete