when you're empty and you're full

There is this thing about me, I love musicals. Love. Really. Really really love musicals.

Over the weekend I saw Billy Elliot and there are a  few things I realized about myself and the world... which is interesting because I've only seen the movie about a million times, and I saw the musical when I went to New York over the summer as well. I hate having epiphanies about something I've already done/seen/said. It makes me feel slow.

The first thing I realized was that although I love the story, I sometimes hate it because it makes me feel not special.

Not everyone can be a prodigy, obviously, how boring would the world be if everyone was fantastic at something? But still, it makes me feel as though I've basically fit exactly into the mold and I'll never be able to shine... That feeling sucks. I want to shine, somewhere, sometime, to someone.

maybe that feeling also comes from being single, and not having anyone super dooper fancy me.

I haven't really talked about my "relationship" here yet because I am not sure if there is anything to talk about. The boy who I like is an interesting specimen to say the least. He is very handsome, his body, so lovely, he cooks well and enjoys my geeky humor... but it pretty much ends there.

Physically, there is a lot of chemistry. I won't tell you what we ended up doing together on the first date; but lets just say that I wasn't exactly a lady. He is really sweet, and such a gentleman. But you don't have to be emotionally invested in someone to be nice to them, and he isn't emotionally invested in me at all.

I know this, because he tells me.

He likes me, and we enjoy each others company, but is that enough? Do I want to be with someone who "enjoys my company"?

But he was engaged about 9 months ago and they ended things because she cheated on him. So, for him the best thing is doing what he is doing, which is not letting anyone in; and that makes me feel like I am not worth it.

Which, is silly. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't be seeing someone that makes me feel that way.  The internet is full of men who want to love me. I just need to find one that I can love too.

So, I realized that sometimes I feel not special, and the musical pointed it out to me so hard.

The second thing, and this is more of a life in general observation, but there is a part during Billy's audition where he is asked how it feels when he is dancing, and part of his answer consists of: it's sort of like crying, when you're empty and you're full.

And that, ladies and gents, is why I love musicals. Singing about your feelings...

I don't know how often you cry, I personally hate doing it but it happens when I get pissed off and recently (well, more like the past year or so) I get mad a lot. Mad  at myself, mad at my life, mad at how people treat me. Crying isn't always glamorous, although admittedly I'm so much prettier after, and I hate doing it; but I almost always feel better when I just let it happen. When I just cry and get it over with, I feel empty of whatever was making me cry, and full of hope. Even if it's a sober hope, it's still hope.

And that's what makes it okay.