it happened again

I saw a picture of a kitten and now I absolutely need one.

I've needed a kitten off and on again for a while now, probably the past 3 years, but I've never been in a position to get myself one... which just sucks. Because I want one so bad! I want a baby something to love and have grow up knowing I will be it's mommy forever,and, since the sound of my nephew crying makes me want to gouge my eyes out... a human baby isn't something I desire. I desire a kitty baby. And I want it so badly my heart hurts.

Firetruck, I've gotten way too drunk two nights in a row. Last night I spent some good old fashioned hot tub time with an old boyfriend, a kid I made out with over the summer, and two other boys I had never really hung out with before but graduated with both of them. I was okay going thinking it was just the kid I made out with, my old bf, and I; but even with the addition of two more guys and no more girls it actually ended up being a blast. And there went my second bottle of Arbor Mist. In probably twenty minutes this time. I'm an idiot.

Merry Christmas.

 I love hanging out with just guys. My two best friends are guys. I actually left them to see the others and they both turned into whiny bitches about me leaving them. It's nice to know I'm loved.

The good thing about being the only girl means no matter what, every single one of them is trying to get fresh with you; and since there are three others around, none of them are too forward. It was nice to get that conformation that I am still attractive. I haven't seen Curtis in probably a year, and you're aware of the fact that I am Tubbo McTubberson... well he's seen basically all of me, in my sexiest moments when I actually was skinny but didn't know it because God gifted me with boobs and a butt that I thought were a bad thing till I was about 20. I was afraid that he would be grossed out by how I look because I'm grossed out by how I look.

When I went to the psychiatrist instead of just my regular therapist so I could get some drugs she was trying to figure out exactly what was causing my no sleep. Aside from general anxiety she asked me if I was harboring any guilt for anything... I am no longer feeling like mine and Davids break up was all my fault, so, it wasn't that; but I did say out loud that I am not only furious with myself for gaining all this weight but also disgusted with the way I look and feel. That my friends, is guilt. And it causes a lot of insecurities. And sleepless nights.  

But he wasn't. And we made out, and I remembered why I liked him so long ago. Tom, the boy from over the summer was the one who initially invited me and I wasn't really sure if I should go. See, I really haven't shaved since Saturday, and hot tubs tend to get your legs all up in each others business. I have soft skin, I mean super soft, so soft that even girls enjoy rubbing it, and coming in counter with so much man leg it was bound to be noticed that there was one too many sets of hairy legs. When I told Tom I wasn't sure because I hadn't shaved (it is winter, welcome to Ohio people, we don't shave in the winter here) he told me I had four hours to do so and I was getting in. It was a good choice. Hot tubs feel like heaven. Especially since I seriously fell down the stairs and now my butt hurts. Yep, that's how classy I am... 4 guys, and I fall down the stairs. Granted, they were covered in snow and ice. It could happen to anyone.

So I actually shaved my legs and they were the shining glory of the evening (I love having my skin touched, I'm a whore for it. Seriously.). Once again, nice to be touched, nice to be wanted. One of the main goals when I started seeing a therapist was to be able to be happy with myself and my choices without need for any sort of validation from anyone. I want to feel beautiful because I know I am beautiful. I don't want to have to have anyone else tell me anything for it to be true. I am so not there, but I feel like I am closer than I was.

Past me never would have even gone. She never would have even answered the text asking what she was up to. I would never have had plans with two groups of people, let alone ones that I'd never even spoken to before. I wouldn't have stayed out till three in the morning (that was my third time doing that this week, by the way) or even considered wearing a bathing suit in front of anyone. If I had fallen I wouldn't have been able to laugh it off I probably would have cried. I used to cry about everything. Now, only about half of what I used to cry about. I read a sad blog yesterday, that brought me to tears. It may have to do with actually knowing the author... but still, cried. What I'm saying is that I see huge strides, and I'm really proud of how far I've come; I'm just not completely there yet.

Clicking here should take you to a photo of Curtis and I at prom. I loved my dress. I want to get married in that dress. I can't figure out how to copy and paste from my iPod because I am at work, and facebook is blocked. Duh. Maybe when I get home I'll post the actual photo if I remember. I don't like to wait for my laptop to start up though, so no promises.