I just found the most spectacular man smell

While perusing a magazine, because I'm so damn productive sometimes and those Macy's boys do something for me, two perfume sample papers fell out.

One was a Paris Hilton one, I threw that away, it smelled like a child's splash that would come with a Barbi doll.

The other... the other, oh my word, it's from heaven. I've been smelling it every few minutes or so when it wears off my scarf, which I accidentally rubbed it on but it works because it's right by my face and I am (almost) aroused by the smell alone.

It's like a dream. I can envision my future husband smelling like this... I adore it.

I may have just ordered some from Amazon... not for anyone in particular (although, giving it to Tom might make me fall in love with him and his birthday is coming up... ). If you get the chance to go sniffing and find this, smell it. You'll be in love so hard.

god, or God? ...or OH God... or whatever

Since yesterday I accidentally talked about politics when I didn't even realize it was the next topic in my thirty days of truth, I will instead choose to talk about religion.

I'm Lutheran, and I love it. I went to private school for 9 years as a youngster (K-8th) and I really wouldn't change that for the world.

Not only did I get a great education because of the small class sizes (and I do mean small, my graduating 8th grade class had only 17 kids in it), but I also got to grow up in a safe environment where the teachers really cared, everyone knew each other, and a girl with big boobs could still play sports even if they interfered sometimes.

During a volley ball tournament my 8th grade year I had the opportunity to bump the ball... because my aim was slightly off, instead of hitting my outstretched arms it hit my boobs. And instead of going anywhere it sort of flopped, losing all its momentum, and fell to the ground with a thud. Everyone laughed... I obviously felt awesome about myself and was monumentally particular every time thereafter as to make sure the ball hit my arms, and not my boobs.

In private school, be it Catholic, Lutheran, or Nondenominational, you still have religion class every single day (except Wednesdays, but at that point you have Chapel, which the whole school attends and you don't have to do homework (yes, I had religion homework)). You also had a memory verse each week. We were also monitored on how often we went to church, that too was a part of our grade. Basically, I know my Bible.

But what do I think of religions that don't follow conventional New King James or the like versions of the Written Word? How do I feel about religions that don't allow you to eat meat on Fridays, or, more horrifically: bacon. Ever.

As far as never eating bacon ever goes, in my mind that in itself is a sin. Bacon helps me see God, therefore I think it in itself is a holy symbol.

What do I think of religions where the ladies don't cut their hair and only wear skirts, or where you can't read Harry Potter books?

Basically I think religion as an idea is an excellent. As a practice, if left to define your every day morality (which, thanks to radiolab we know that morality has little to nothing to do with religion whatsoever) and how we treat and love others it's also a great thing. But, when organized religion leads people to hate and cast judgement and have a "holier than thou" attitude toward those who believe anything differently I am not impressed.

In fact I'm appalled.

Take my parents for example. My mother (the republican) and my father (the democrat) have been divorced for about 17 years.

My mother insists on going to church every Sunday, she does daily bible studies, tells me to pray ever time I try to discuss a problem with her and seriously, I kid you not, watches the yelling religious type shows with my nephew, and the pathetic "God has changed my heart, I'm alive today because of him" shows on a far too regular basis. But, when it comes to her current marriage she is a total bitch. She treats my step dad like crap and blames every single problem they have on him. She won't face her problems and is still living with me despite how much stress she causes me knowingly. Instead of trying to make her life any better, she looks to God, inactively. My mother is very unhappy.

No one (not even God) can help you if you're not doing anything. Ignoring your problems will get you nowhere; trust me, I know.

My dad goes to church on Saturdays so he can golf Sunday mornings. He tries to get my little sister to go with him, sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. Either way he is happy to go, enjoy the company of his church friends, worship, sing, give offering, and take communion all while keeping his feet and head on the ground. He loves and believes in God, but he understands that hatred and judging anyone for anything isn't his place or responsibility. My dad is a happy man.

see how fun I can be?

Looking at religion as an obligation isn't how God intended it to be. In his Word (I'm going by Christianity here because it's what I know best) he talks about peace, love, and leaving certain things up to Him. We are to worship him, but that doesn't mean just in showing up and going through the motions, it means living as though your presence matters, your actions affect those around you, and making every decision you ever make based on the golden rule: Love. It means that when your heart is in the right place the rest will follow. You're existence will be a testament, not your fake words and your ability to take scripture out of context.

I see religion as a guide line for how to best show love. If you're showing love you're showing God. Judgement isn't love. Blaming others and having no responsibility of your own isn't showing love. Hating, mocking, belittling, thinking you're somehow more important than another person... none of that is love. None of that is God.

And that's why I see no reason to attend church with my mother, or any other person who views religion as she does.

la la la love is in the air! and my life is pretty good.

I know that as soon as I publish this post, something crappy will happen, but for now I don't care.

Basically things are pretty awesome.

I got into nursing school! How rad is that? I knew I was going to get in; I was 98.99% sure, but there was that itty bitty part of me that was still nervous (and, thank you Celexa for making that nervousness bearable) so I tried not to talk about it. But, now that I've gotten in, I can sing it from the roof tops.

I'm going to be a nurse by this time 2013, and I am going to make good money, have a good job, and be able to live somewhere that doesn't involve a crying baby or my mother who still won't leave. If you get sick you can ask me stuff and (although I usually can nurse my friends back to health properly) I will be able to heal you, like for real.

The most important thing I'm looking for with this is to have a job that makes me feel good about myself. I want to wake up every day and know I am having a positive effect on the world, and that I help people. People need helped; I want to be the one helping them.

Kyle and I are through, officially. Friday I sent him a text with all the reasons why I couldn't be his friend or really have him in my life at all. He agreed with all my reasons, he said he was really sorry he couldn't be the person I knew he could be if he just tried, and he wished me well.

I still think about him a lot, and I have had a few moments where I really wanted to text him and tell him something, but his number is out of my phone. I'm proud of myself for making this decision. I am proud to know that while i may have had love like feelings for someone, I was able to keep my head about things and see what was bad for me. Then, I was also able to cut it out of my life, because I am stronger than my emotions.

Ellen says that it made sense that I still loved really liked him (despite my feelings for Tom); we had so much "clicky-ness" that being with him was one of the easiest things I'd ever done.

I'm proud of myself for letting him go though, because Tom is a great guy, and letting my heart do what I want it to do makes everything easier, even if Tom takes a bit more work than Kyle.

I met Tom's parents over the weekend, and his little sister and brother. I am pretty sure they liked me, except Tom told them I am a democrat and I don't think they were too happy about that; the room got all tense and quiet. It seemed like they were looking to start a debate with me, for me to prove to them why I was a democrat so they could all gang up on me and smash me down.

Because I hate fighting more than anything and am a master of humor, I made light of the situation, told a joke, and made the conversation move on in a totally different direction. I will never talk to them about politics, ever. Just like I try to avoid that conversation with Tom as much as I can.

No person is perfect, and since governing bodies are run by humans I do not expect radical changes instantly or really ever. The system takes time to find balance, and since republicans did such a botched job when GB was in office, I think that giving the democrats a chance to figure out a new plan rather than bashing every minute decision any of them make is a good idea. Human nature is what's wrong with this country (and any governing body for that matter), not democrats or republicans.

I will be honest with you all: if it could work, I'd be happy to live in a communist society. However, read any book from my 10 Honors English class and you'll learn that no matter how perfect the idea, we as humans cannot execute it properly because power and money corrupt, which is why I am a democrat; I would like the government to take control of the shit we keep messing up (insurance, health care, failing economies. Because a lot of people forget that this is no longer the industrial revolution; it's the age of information, and therefore make stupid decisions based on that forgetting... ) and give us the rights republicans won't give us or try to take away (legal abortions, gay marriage, and sadly, more recently the crap with planned parenthood).

Yes, printing money is beyond stupid and we are going to see the negative effects of that very soon, yes people shouldn't have voted for a president based on the fact that they both have dark skin, yes, the health care bill was such a joke no one should have even thought it was a plausible (or possible) solution to the problems we face with insurance companies (slash big drug companies) concerning fair pricing and who can or can't afford decent coverage, but I think that in order to find the right solution you're more likely than not to mess up a few times, and that with issues as big as we're facing, I doubt any one thing would fix it.

America has been the world power that it is for a really long time, even Rome fell... nothing lasts forever and accepting change and trying to figure out how and what will happen is a lot smarter than shoving your heels in the ground because you don't like the decisions of the people who your fellow citizens elected into office.

This turned into something far more political than I intended; forgive me, thou must.

Back to good things,

Bobby is 23 today which means I'm getting old... every time he has a birthday I have a mini identity crisis because he is only a little bit (eight months) older than I am and I am old. But, this year I don't care. I'm on my way to nursing school, I'm not freaking out about not accomplishing anything of worth in my measly 20+ years on this planet, I actually feel amazing about myself. We'll see if I still feel this way come my actual birthday.

Tom... Tom Tom Tom. I am so into this bloke it almost has to be bad for me. I love his voice, and when I hear it on the other end of the phone my heart beats faster. Knowing I am going to be seeing him makes the troubles and irritants of they day matter so much less. Kissing him, oh my God kissing him... can someone be so in love with kissing someone else nothing besides the kiss matters? Tom is by far the best kisser I've ever snogged with. I'm happy, and the moment I decided to rid my life of Kyle it was like me heart opened up and all I wanted to fill it was Tom.

Have I sufficiently grossed you out yet?

Basically he is awesome, and I can't get enough of him.

Friday I get to see Thoroughly Modern Millie for the first time ever because Andi is in the pit at some high school in the middle of nowhere... but it'll be cool. I love the music (it's based of a girl in the twenties who is thoroughly modern... very very cute). I love musicals.

And, last but not least, my nephew is effing hilarious and I love him so so much. We have started him on solid(ish) food and watching him eat is so comical. He is the personification of nom nom nom-ing and once I figure out how to do it I'll show you a funny video of him eating.

the break up book

Everyone, well, people who read, have books that signify turning points in their lives. A book you read after your pet died that helped you see death is a part of life. A book for when you graduated high school that helped you grow up and see that your adult life only held as much potential as you were willing to put into it. A break up book for when you're heart is broken seemingly beyond repair.

My sister decided that the only book anyone would ever need for a break up book was The Zahir, by Paulo Coelho, because it's a book in which his wife unexpectedly leaves him and he learns quite a bit about himself on his journey to heal and find love again.

I've never read the book, but I read the first three chapters or so when David and I broke up; I could just tell it wasn't for me, not at that moment anyways. The writing was the only thing that kept me going. My God, if I could write like that man I'd have it made. Soon I'll read one of his works, but not now... now I am reading something else.

Call me cliche, just do it. I know what I am about to tell you will make you roll your eyes at me.

I'm ready; I don't care.

Last night I started reading a book that will be my break up book (sorry it came almost nine months after the break up... but I have been doing a lot of introspection and I probably wasn't ready to read it before now) and my new relationship book, all in one.

I know this because I've seen the movie...

Eat, Pray, Love

Are you done laughing yet? Can we move on?

 Great.

I loved the story, the idea of a woman who knew her life was messed up and took the necessary measures to fix it (sound familiar? I just wish I had been able to go to three foreign countries instead of the weekly therapy and meds rout) so this week when I saw it at the library on my way to check out I just nipped it up and walked out the door.

Because procrastination is my middle name, I didn't open it till last night... and 7 chapters in I knew I would finish.

Not because it's an easy read, because it is, but because the style is fantastic. It's so conversational and real, it's like talking to a friend with her little self interruptions (her use of parentheses makes my heart soar) and descriptions.And, it's funny. Laugh out loud funny. She describes her crazy like any other woman would: accepting but still loathing.

We're all nuts; after we've accepted this fact, dealing with it becomes so much easier.

Being able to relate to a book character with how her heart feels about her husband, how she fell in love with someone so fast (Kyle... again *cough cough*), and how no matter what she did that relationship wasn't going to heal her (only cause more harm and distress) is I think why this was more my book than The Zahir. That one is about being perplexed as to why you broke up, figuring it out, discovering yourself and how you can not make the same mistakes in your next relationship, and then seeing how those changes effected your new relationship for the better. That's not me.

I knew exactly what happened in mine and Davids relationship. I knew that he hated me for the exact same reasons I hated me... and that isn't exactly what happened in Eat, Pray, Love, but it's a lot closer because she hates herself and the needy (*ding*) warped (*ding ding*) person she had become from trying to please everyone else. She hates how she can't be alone (so many *dings* your ears bleed) and the idea of being alone is just as frightening as staying with the person you know is wrong for you.

She says, "The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving."

Before David and I broke up I was so unhappy, I was so unhappy it physically hurt... but I didn't know what to do. I couldn't leave him; he was the only thing in my life worth living for (so I thought), but I also couldn't stay with him, because if I stayed that meant I wasn't dealing with the shit pile I'd let my life become.

The depression sucked me dry of all reason.

I didn't do anything for fear of making a wrong decision, I didn't talk to anyone for fear of being reminded of exactly what I was hiding from, and, most importantly, I completely ignored how unhappy I was, because if I accepted that something was wrong, I would have to face it.

And isn't facing yourself much scarier than facing anyone else?

But I know this book will be it, it'll let me read about what I emotionally (since I physically can't eat gelato three times a day or go to Indonesia) went through this past nine months or so and then show me how to really love again.

Because at the end she finds that. Peace, love, and a guy to make it all seem worth it.