Wednesday, December 29, 2010

looking back... and forward.

I looked at my resolution list from last year and besides the fact that it was gross (being a girlfriend is weird for me, I don't like that girl, she's sappy and strange and I am glad she doesn't exist anymore) I actually accomplished more of my list than I thought I would.

I had a goal to read twice as many books as in 2009, and looking back on my literary year I think I blew that one out of the water. I can't remember how many I read this year or last, but i do know that I read a shit ton and for that I am very pleased.

I wanted to join a choir, and as my father says, I have commitment issues and a two practice one performance choir is just my thing. The songs we did were beautiful and I felt awesome singing and being part of a group again. I have no desire to join anything more permanent at this point, so that was a great way to feel good and sing without being overwhelmed in the commitment area.

I actually paid off all my college debt (not the student loans, just the debt that was preventing me from even being able to attend another school. Go me!Oh, yea, and thanks Dad, you're awesome.

letting my hair grow out was a huge task, but I've done it and maintained it.

where I was about a year ago, ignore the pseudo sexy face... please, for the love of God ignore it.

and... look at that length! I'm amazing.

I did not: start school, lose 30 pounds... (maybe gained a bit, oops), audition for a play, or the gross thing with David and love and grossness... but I'm okay with that. Which I guess means that I accomplished my goal of being happy with where I am.

I am happier, so much happier; without all the work I have done for me this year I would probably be splattered on some concrete something right now, because that's where I was headed. Since August I've changed my perspective on the entire world and the part I play in it and I know that no one could have helped me (other than my therapist and her lovely medicines). There is something really satisfying about being able to wake up and not dread every moment of your life. Four hard months of therapy and I feel like a new person, a new happy person.

I don't really know what I'm planning for two-thousand eleven, but that's not really a big deal. I always plan every moment of my life, and that wasn't working for me anymore. Going with the flow and letting my life just happen as it should seems like a lot better of a plan than planning all sorts of things and obsessing over their completion or not. Gaols are great to have, but not if you're being overwhelmed with so many of them that none are getting completed and you're in the fetal position crying in the corner.

Maybe the only goal I need is to remember that nothing is as bad as it seems.

Monday, December 27, 2010

can you try to hide your crazy, please?

I guess that I should expect this, I mean, these people are from the internet... and we all know what that means.

There is nothing wrong with being a bit quirky, we all have our own things that make us particularly special and sometimes some people think those things are a bit weird. But, that's when we are allowed to hate people. You don't have to be nice to or friends with everyone, I don't care what kindergarten says... most people tend to suck. But, it's not usually on a grand scale or anything; we can tolerate them, work with them, and still have no desire whatsoever to pursue any sort of meaningful relationship with them. That's normal. Most people just end up becoming acquaintances.

The good news is that even though some people think some of our things are a bit weird, somewhere out there is a person who doesn't think it's that weird. They see us as unique, and they love it. Stars and the moon love. Want to take your weirdness and mix it up with their weirdness and make similarly weird babies love. And it's awesome. At least, I've been told.

The problem is, these internet people I've been meeting don't really hide their crazy, they throw it in my face and I am forced to deal with it. I don't really consider myself normal by any stretch of the imagination, I know I am a bit different, I like it that way, it gives me lots of opportunities to make other people feel uncomfortable and therefore make me feel awesome... but I am not really crazy crazy. Yes I am medicated right now, but more and more people now a days have anxiety and I feel no shame in admitting that I am getting help. That, right there, is the difference between my crazy and the internet people I have met recently's crazy.

I know what's wrong, I am making an effort, and I don't think that I don't need help. How can you see a therapist, but do nothing different? How can you see a therapist and get medicine and stop taking it after a week because it's not working? How can you know there is a problem and not try to find a solution? What possesses these people to think that getting a girlfriend is the first step to a happy life?

I mean, yes, I want a boyfriend, I want a husband, I want someone to love me forever... but I understand that the first step in me finding someone to love me was finding out exactly how I was supposed to love me. I know I come off as a bit cocky at times, but it's really just because I like who I am and really have no shame in making that fact known. I think that I am great, and it has taken me a while with lots of work to get here. I may physically repulse myself right now; but in the grand scheme of things, what I can't change (who I am) is pretty freaking wonderful. I don't try to make everyone happy anymore because I know I can't, and I shouldn't think that it's my responsibility.

What do you tell someone who has abandonment issues? How do you answer someone when they ask you the same question three times and won't listen to your answer?

And, what do you do when you actually like someone... but they aren't emotionally ready to start a relationship? Get the fuck off match dot com and figure out your shit then let me fall for you, because I am pissed that you're not ready and I am; and that you still want to hang out because I am really fun but there isn't a future in our plan because your heart isn't ready to think about that sort of thing yet.

Fuck me. I hate dating.

Oh, I hope you all had a merry christmas, mine was lovely. And, the bruise on my butt is a nice shade of yellowish green now, so go with that visual.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Merry Christmas Lovers

My butt still hurts from falling Tuesday and I find it more hilarious every single time I remember how clumsy I actually am.

Once I was drunk, I feel like this has less to do with the story than most "I am so clumsy, hahahha, laugh at me" stories and I guess I'm just trying to set the mood.

When I drink I pee probably every fifteen minutes. Talk a bout breaking the seal, I can not go for the first three hours or so, but then it's so often I almost think I have a bladder infection. So, I'm on my 19 trip to the bathroom, I do my thing then proceed to the couch because there is always a point in every drinking adventure of mine where the couch becomes my best friend. I will grab myself three of four drinks and just camp out, continue to drink, but limit my opportunities to fall by not moving. It's a really good plan. As I am doing this David walks by the bathroom and stops, back tracks and looks at something on the wall. It's two smudge marks at exactly the same height as my nose and forehead. I honestly don't remember stopping to rest there, or accidentally hitting the wall as I passed, but that's not saying much because I don't remember things so well when I drink and it really does seem like something I would do. I mean, who hasn't walked across the room and gotten tired at some point and wanted to take a rest? Most of us just have things like pride so we don't rest most of the way to the bathroom. Along with common sense, pride is something else I lose when I drink.

I have this thing where I run in the winter, not like exercise or anything, more like to and from my car because I am freezing and want to get inside as soon as possible. Well, I'm sure you can imagine how that goes most of the time. I have gotten really good at catching myself though, because I slip so often. When I'm carrying things is when it becomes a problem. The other day I was walking out of the house and hit the ice and to catch myself I threw myself at the wall. It was pretty close, but I made it. Completely unscathed mind you, considering it was a brick wall that I threw myself at for protection I'm pretty impressed.

Two days ago I hit my head so fucking hard on my car I was sure I was going to black out. i still can't figure out how that one happened.

I don't go down stairs in socks because I have fallen down completely and slid down on my ass so many time I can't remember. If I can't hold on (or forget... like I said, forgetful while under the influence) it's almost a guarantee that I'll fall. Socks were not made for stairs.

Recently I fell between David's bed and the wall because he thought it would be funny to tickle me and push me there at the same time, once my leg couldn't hold me up anymore I was gone. And because he thought it was funny he wouldn't let me get up and continued to tickle me every time I tried. Worst ten minutes of my life. I fell with my one arm bent all up under me so I couldn't do anything because when I get tickled all my strength goes.

look, i'm in the ornament
I made coffee the other day and you wouldn't think it was possible but before I even took one sip I had spilled three times. Not even little spills, huge, multiple paper and regular towels spilled. My average day includes slipping and catching myself at least three times, running into at least one stable object that hasn't been moved in forever (note: wall) and spilling one sip of every single thing I drink on myself. I step on my cat or dog on a regular basis. I drop my phone or iPod at least once each, and I cut or stab myself with at least one cooking thing if I decide to do so. If there is heat involved you can almost guarantee I'll get burnt or close to it at least once. And, when the day is said and done I'll probably slip once more for good measure.

Thank you ladies and gentleman, have a Merry Christmas!

want to learn to make this pie? click here

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

it happened again

I saw a picture of a kitten and now I absolutely need one.

I've needed a kitten off and on again for a while now, probably the past 3 years, but I've never been in a position to get myself one... which just sucks. Because I want one so bad! I want a baby something to love and have grow up knowing I will be it's mommy forever,and, since the sound of my nephew crying makes me want to gouge my eyes out... a human baby isn't something I desire. I desire a kitty baby. And I want it so badly my heart hurts.

Firetruck, I've gotten way too drunk two nights in a row. Last night I spent some good old fashioned hot tub time with an old boyfriend, a kid I made out with over the summer, and two other boys I had never really hung out with before but graduated with both of them. I was okay going thinking it was just the kid I made out with, my old bf, and I; but even with the addition of two more guys and no more girls it actually ended up being a blast. And there went my second bottle of Arbor Mist. In probably twenty minutes this time. I'm an idiot.

Merry Christmas.

 I love hanging out with just guys. My two best friends are guys. I actually left them to see the others and they both turned into whiny bitches about me leaving them. It's nice to know I'm loved.

The good thing about being the only girl means no matter what, every single one of them is trying to get fresh with you; and since there are three others around, none of them are too forward. It was nice to get that conformation that I am still attractive. I haven't seen Curtis in probably a year, and you're aware of the fact that I am Tubbo McTubberson... well he's seen basically all of me, in my sexiest moments when I actually was skinny but didn't know it because God gifted me with boobs and a butt that I thought were a bad thing till I was about 20. I was afraid that he would be grossed out by how I look because I'm grossed out by how I look.

When I went to the psychiatrist instead of just my regular therapist so I could get some drugs she was trying to figure out exactly what was causing my no sleep. Aside from general anxiety she asked me if I was harboring any guilt for anything... I am no longer feeling like mine and Davids break up was all my fault, so, it wasn't that; but I did say out loud that I am not only furious with myself for gaining all this weight but also disgusted with the way I look and feel. That my friends, is guilt. And it causes a lot of insecurities. And sleepless nights.  

But he wasn't. And we made out, and I remembered why I liked him so long ago. Tom, the boy from over the summer was the one who initially invited me and I wasn't really sure if I should go. See, I really haven't shaved since Saturday, and hot tubs tend to get your legs all up in each others business. I have soft skin, I mean super soft, so soft that even girls enjoy rubbing it, and coming in counter with so much man leg it was bound to be noticed that there was one too many sets of hairy legs. When I told Tom I wasn't sure because I hadn't shaved (it is winter, welcome to Ohio people, we don't shave in the winter here) he told me I had four hours to do so and I was getting in. It was a good choice. Hot tubs feel like heaven. Especially since I seriously fell down the stairs and now my butt hurts. Yep, that's how classy I am... 4 guys, and I fall down the stairs. Granted, they were covered in snow and ice. It could happen to anyone.

So I actually shaved my legs and they were the shining glory of the evening (I love having my skin touched, I'm a whore for it. Seriously.). Once again, nice to be touched, nice to be wanted. One of the main goals when I started seeing a therapist was to be able to be happy with myself and my choices without need for any sort of validation from anyone. I want to feel beautiful because I know I am beautiful. I don't want to have to have anyone else tell me anything for it to be true. I am so not there, but I feel like I am closer than I was.

Past me never would have even gone. She never would have even answered the text asking what she was up to. I would never have had plans with two groups of people, let alone ones that I'd never even spoken to before. I wouldn't have stayed out till three in the morning (that was my third time doing that this week, by the way) or even considered wearing a bathing suit in front of anyone. If I had fallen I wouldn't have been able to laugh it off I probably would have cried. I used to cry about everything. Now, only about half of what I used to cry about. I read a sad blog yesterday, that brought me to tears. It may have to do with actually knowing the author... but still, cried. What I'm saying is that I see huge strides, and I'm really proud of how far I've come; I'm just not completely there yet.

Clicking here should take you to a photo of Curtis and I at prom. I loved my dress. I want to get married in that dress. I can't figure out how to copy and paste from my iPod because I am at work, and facebook is blocked. Duh. Maybe when I get home I'll post the actual photo if I remember. I don't like to wait for my laptop to start up though, so no promises.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

ten on tuesday

As a blogger I get to do what I want. As a reader you get to read what you want. It's a really good thing we have going, I think we should make it official. Facebook official. Bring you guys home for Christmas dinner official. It'll be good, I've decided to make a ham.

  • First and foremost, thanks so much Yette for being an awesome swap partner. Turns out the Philippines are behind Ohio time zone by lots and lots of hours... thus it was morning there when it was night here and every time I talk to her I'm from the future. This amuses me far more than it should. Forgive me while I go shove more banana peels into my Delorean. Thanks. You can find my blog swap post here.
  • I got my kindle in the mail yesterday and its awesome! I haven't even taken it out of the box yet because my protector case hasn't come yet and I am going to be super careful with this one. I promise. Cross my heart.
I find it really ironic that my Kindle was perfect and tough until I ordered a case. Ironic in a bad way, like when you listen to the Alanis Moirssette song and actually find the things in it ironic.

  • my nephew is the cutest person on the planet.

  • I've decided that I will never be able to love anyone who won't read Harry Potter. I think that everyone is entitled to their opinion (as long as it agrees with mine...) and you aren't allowed to ever knock Harry Potter unless you've read them. Most importantly, you cannot possibly appreciate me if you haven't read Harry. He makes up so much of my weird humor that without at least partial familiarity with the material you'll never get me.
  • I'm getting some lovely sweaters for Christmas. I'm very excited about this.
  • Last night I made this awesome steak with mushroom sauce and a side of pierogies with mushrooms and onions. I washed it down with two amaretto sours and a bottle of Arbor mist. Arbor mist is really good, I know its basically juice and there really is never a good excuse for drinking the whole bottle of anything... but I was at my house with no where to drive and it's the week of Christmas. I'm pretty sure Jesus turned water to wine at some point so I think that it's all good.
  • The other day I ventured to Buffalo Wild Wings because I am almost addicted to that place (and Pita Pit... so gooooood) and something funny happened the next day. It wasn't my usual BW3's and on my bank statement it came up as:
  • Ellen is leaving in like five minutes to study abroad in Geneva for a whole semester. I am very excited for her but will miss her so.
  • I didn't get the job at the restaurant. Which really surprised me because like I said, I'm awesome. There was a personality test that I took and I know that is what made me not get it... not that I would actually know because they didn't call me at all. The problem is that there is nothing ever good about a standardized test. No one can strongly disagree, disagree, neither agree nor disagree, agree, or strongly agree on all the questions they ask. Why can't there be an essay? Why can't they just call your employers and ask? It's pure laziness. Plus, and I can't remember if I have said this or not, there are questions on there that I feel are extremely inappropriate. They ask some of the same questions my therapists office does... therefor they are taking away the step between my medical records being private and giving them self the ability to psychoanalyze me. I don't think this is even legal. And, it pisses me off.
All I know is that I still need another job but this week is not the time to worry about it. David, Ellen, and I have decided to have a potluck/New Years Eve party and well, there is Christmas to worry about so I won't stress myself out over something like that till next year.

Monday, December 20, 2010

the swap is on!

Hi guys! This is Yette from Yettezkie's Doodles. I'm Denise's swap buddy from 20-Something's Blog Swap. I signed up for 20-Something's Blog Swap because I've always wanted to meet different bloggers from around the world, and upon receiving an email from 20SB's Chief Admin, DShan, I immediately opened it & checked who will my swap buddy be and collaborated with her on what we're planning to do next, with regards to the topic, etc.

Anyway, me and Denise are from different countries. I'm from the Philippines, and she's from United States. I'm 28 years old which makes me 6 years older than her, and I've been blogging for nearly seven (7) years now.

The Blog Swap's topic is entitled: "Action. What will you do next year that you've been putting off for too long?". However, Denise and I decided to go with a different topic. And since we're both single gals, we decided to go with the topic, The Advantages and Disadvantages of Being Single. So, here goes my topic & I hope you can relate to what I'm about to write/say...

There are a lot of 20-something bloggers out there who are living the single life. Most of them are by choice and some of them are looking, but maybe, it's just not yet their time to find Mr. Right or even, a Mr. Right Now (that's a term I referenced from the movie, 'The Sweetest Thing'). As for me, I'm the one stuck in the middle. I know that it's kinda confusing, but in this particular topic, I go where the wind takes me. Me being single is not necessarily my choice, nor am I exactly on the lookout, if you know what I'm saying. Although I'm in my late 20's already, I'm not really in a do or die situation to get a love life or something. I'm just not that in a hurry, although sometimes, when times get really rough, I sure envy those of my nephews and nieces who already have their own bfs/gfs or already married (Yup, I already have 3 grand kids, while me, I don't even have any babies yet!)

Anyway, on to the comparison... :)

  1. Freedom    -    Who doesn't like or LOVE freedom? Or at least for those who's often been in a relationship, who doesn't want to be free even just for a day? This is one of the many perks that 'singledom' has to offer.

    Freedom entitles a single person to go anywhere, go with anyone, anytime without worrying about her beloved someone getting furious at her because he hasn't received any text message from her about her whereabouts yet. Sometimes, couples break up because one of them, just wants to be free. Freedom is a deal breaker.
  2. Enjoy Dating    -    Date guys as many as you can! Go ahead! No one, and I mean, no one will get mad at you because it's just your right to get the most out of being single (unless your parents are uber strict even though you're nearly 25, lol). Just do it one at a time, and make sure though that you prioritize your studies first, in case you're still studying, lol.

    This is one of the perks included in being single as well. You can date guys without thinking about any consequences or whatever. No one will tell you that you are being insensitive of somebody else's feelings, because it is well within your right to meet Mr. Right through the fun of dating. Enjoy as much as you can!
  3. Go About Your Day Carefree!    -    Spend your entire day malling, hang out with your friends, family, go on vacation, or pretty much just sleep all day without having to text or call someone asking how their day went, tell them where you're planning to go and all that jazz. To some people, they find this quite bothersome because they really don't find the need to inform their boy friend everything. While to some, it's pretty okay with them, in fact they find it sweet that their boy friend cares about them. Regardless, singledom takes that obligation/responsibility away(as well as your love life) and leaves you with a carefree day.
  4. More Time To Spend With Your Friends And Family    -    No boyfriend means no lovelife, no love life means lesser people to care about. Lesser people to care about implies more time not only for your family, friends but also for yourself. See, being involved with someone else divides your time into halves. Most people divide their time into two. The other half for their love life and the other half for their own life, which already includes their family, friends and the last one is for themselves. Yes it is quite hectic, but that's what most people prefer, and most of them are happy that way. Being single entitles you to spend a lot of time for all of those people whom you may have neglected while you were preoccupied with love, which already includes yourself. This is why most people choose this time to do a make over for themselves so that when they come back, they look a lot more hotter than ever. And they don't actually do this to show guys what they've been missing (although sorta..) but most of them are doing this for themselves, because admit it or not, we've spent too much time doing this for love rather than for ourselves.
  5. More Gifts During Holidays!    -    This applies for those who are already married, or living together. Instead of receiving gifts for the both of you (as a couple), you get to receive gifts which are dedicated especially for you, during the Holiday season.
  6. Your Main Responsibility Is Yourself And Yourself Alone    -    Being single takes off your responsibility to another person. You don't get to necessarily worry or inquire as to where he is in the wee hours of the night. Singledom offers you the freedom of not necessarily 'caring' about anybody else but yourself (except for your loved ones, of course). You're not really accountable for someones whereabouts since you're not involved with anyone.

  1. Loneliness    -    Sometimes despite the freedom and the carefree existence, you get to feel lonely and wonder why you still have nothing. Especially me, at the age of 28, though it's not really too late for me, when I become overly emotional and when times get rough and I get to think about all of my problems, I over-think and wonder if someone is still coming. (Yes. Sadly, sometimes I do resort to self pity)
  2. The Search    -    Singledom gets boring sometimes and even if you do enjoy the freedom, it's the loneliness that you sometimes can't stand. Therefore, you search. But the search ain't easy as well. As they say, most of the 'good' guys are either gay, or already taken (or perhaps both, lol). In my case, this happened to me once. He's already taken, and I thought he was gay when I first saw him. Lol.

    The search can be really tiring and oftentimes, no matter how hard you try, they just don't wanna be found. They'll be the ones who'll find you...eventually...
  3. Fifth Wheel or Being Left Out    -    It's kinda hard being the only single gal, especially here in my family. My siblings, my nieces (the ones who are already in their 20s) are already involved with someone else. My brother(+)'s already married at the age of 20+, my sister was married at the age of 18, my brother was married before finishing college, and my niece and nephew had their babies even before they graduated college! So you see my dilemma?! I'm the only one, the only one who's not yet married, hasn't settled down yet, or doesn't even have a boyfriend to introduce to the entire family. Damn! So in my case, I'm the fifth wheel. And it's a hell of a disadvantage for me, because I often get teased.
  4. History 101 During Gatherings    -    Such questions like "Why are you still single?", "Do you have a boyfriend?" and if you haven't had a boyfriend for a long time, there goes the question "Are you still a virgin?" are the questions that I hated the most. Not because I don't like answering them (well, kinda...) but I just think that it's no body's business. Like I said, it's not really my choice, nor am I searching. I'm just going where the wind takes me. I'm available, but not looking. I don't need a history recap as to where I am standing right now. You'll know by the time a special someone because I'll be bringing him with me in special gathering just to avoid all the repetitive topics/questions.
  5. Company - Fear Of Growing Old Alone    -    I'm not really thinking about this as of yet. I'm not yet worried, although it once crossed my mind, I'm not denying that, but this is not really my main concern as of yet. But to some who are already in their late 30's this has probably crossed their mind one too many times. It's okay if you're a guy, but as for ladies, it's different. Guys are far more forward than girls are and they have much more potential of finding love even though they are nearly forty because they're confident. Unlike us girls, most of us are pretty conservative and we still carry around that trait even though we're at our thirty's.

So, there you go. For me, those are my advantages and disadvantages of singledom. As for me, I value my single life as much as the other gal, but sometimes, I also would love love, love to have someone to be with. Especially during the Holiday season.

Anyway, this Yette from Yettezkie's Doodles, come visit my blog and see what Denise has to say about this topic! Oh, and Merry Christmas you guys!!!


Editors note: okay folks, Yette is obviously far better with computers and making things pretty than I am, so I hope you enjoy not only her writing but also looking at the cool stuff she can do with code. I hope you'll head over to her blog to check out my post as well, because... I require it of my followers that they actually read stuff when I eventually get around to writing it. Happy Monday, you had better start wrapping stuff, you've only got a few more days.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I slept like a baby

As in, I woke up every two hours wanting something but I not knowing what because I still haven't figured out how to control my bowels or any other body part and was in moderate distress mixed with mass amounts of confusion.

I think that regardless of how true that sentence is (I can control my bowels thankyouverymuch), it's a good one and I'm keeping it.

Yesterday I went to a real prescription type doctor to have my crazy looked at and I got some pills to help with anxiety/depression and a sleep aid. It was one of the happiest days of my life. And, to make all things better they were each only $4... I love Giant Eagle and their crazy cheap drugs.

It was a really unique feeling to have my own sleeping medicine with my own name on it. I may or may not sometimes borrow sleeping medicine from Bobby, but when (if) I do I sleep so well. David told me I was saying crazy things once about baking and such (however, if you knew that some/most of my dreams involve baking* you wouldn't think it's that crazy), which makes me feel good about myself. I am always curious of the crazy things that come out of my mouth while I am under the influence of a drug.

I recall one time getting far too drunk for someone of 19 and telling my older sister she needed to respect her body more and that it was a temple of the Holy Spirit... I guess the more alcohol I have the more Lutheran I am, unless I'm on my back (or knees)... which happens sometimes when I have lots of alcohol. I'm pretty sure that's why people do naughty things with the lights off, it's hard for Jesus to see you in the dark. I'm done now. And as far as my sister goes, if she had just listened to me there would be no baby to speak of... people need to just listen to me. It would make their lives so much easier.

So, I took my very own sleeping pill last night and fell asleep some time around ten (after texting a super wonderful boy from the match dot com's who I'll tell you about later; but for realz, he's awesome and we talked on the phone for over two hours on Wednesday night and he reads books and likes poetry but looks like a lumberjack, I think I'm smitten), which is far earlier than normal and although I did wake up a few times in the night, overall I feel much better this morning than I have in a while. I did have a strange dream though about sitting on a bridge/floating walking path in a park and taking pictures. It was good because I was taking really pretty pictures and I vividly remember seeing colors. Did you know not everyone dreams in color? And, it's a genetic mutation to remember your dreams? Like the ability to digest milk, not everyone can do it and we really shouldn't be able to do either.

All strange science facts aside, I know that no matter if the anxiety/depression meds work or not (I won't know for two to upwards of six weeks) that sleeping will make a huge difference in how I'm feeling physically and emotionally. I've been increasingly irritable lately and I know it's about half from dealing with the stress of living with my sister and her baby that cries far too much and having my mother think it's okay to be in my house all the time because it's easier for her to deal with her crap marriage from there than living with my step dad... and the other half from the fact that I haven't really slept properly for the last seven or eight months. If I can eliminate half of the stressors in my life causing me grief I may be able to deal with the other half in a mature productive fashion.

Oh, and I love my Psychiatrist, she is amazing. She laughs at my jokes, reacts to my stories, basically she is really involved in conversation whereas my Psychologist just sort of sits there and I have to ask for her input. It was an interesting experience and I actually though that I had fun when I was done, which is sort of weird, but I'm sort of weird so I'm okay with it.

*I had a very vivid nightmare a while back that my mother left out my brown sugar and it got all clumpy. It was horrible. I was okay though when I checked and realized the bag hadn't been opened yet and my world still had the capability of being brown and sweet

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

without you...

This was probably the hardest day of truth, which is why it's taken me a million years to finally decided what to write about. Or, who... to be exact.

Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

There are lots of "things" that I use every day, and I think my life would suck without them, and in reality it probably would, for a while. But, just like every other change in the world, I would move on and figure things out without it. No big, I'm independent! Right?

The idea of being dependant on someone makes me upset, it makes me feel like alone I am not enough; or, without the continuing aid from someone or many someones I wouldn't be able to function. But, I don't think that's the point exactly. I think I'm over reacting.

I know, what a surprise...

Life isn't about being completely self sufficient, there is too much to be missed by keeping your nose in the air and never accepting help from anyone. I need to stop doing that... people just want to help me, it's not that big of a deal.

Back to people I can't live without. This is so sketchy.. if the rest of this blog post seems jumbled and disconnected just know that I tried.

My true kindred spirit. I have no idea how we grew up to be almost the same person, but we've done it, and we get each other so completely and sometimes it's weird but most of the time it's awesome. She is someone I have known since before I can remember and by some random happening with Lutherans and Catholics we never went to the same school. Because of that and the fact that we were both very involved in extracurriculars we started to drift as we got older; and once I was 17 and stopped doing swim team in the summers it was hard for us to make time for each other because of boys and such. Ugh.. boys...

So, recently, we both came to our senses through lots of pain, crying, therapy, and many many baked goods. About the exact same minute David and I broke up Ellen and her bf of 2.5 years also split, and for lack of a better way to put it we both used each other mercilessly for comfort, someone to listen to us say the same things over and over and over again (guilty... What? Suck it!), and any slight comfort that could be offered to console our broken hearts. Not that I ever want anyone to break up with anyone

Except Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson, not that I have any sort of chance when she is THE EX, but I like to think that now that they are no longer an item I have that much more of a chance if sweeping him off his feet and into my warm bosom for any sort of comfort, I'm not picky...

but having Ellen be the exact same person at the exact same time made a huge difference in me learning about me and getting past that crappy part of my life and on to bigger (hehe... uhh...) and better things. And I needed her. Need her. Forever. She's my one.

So, basically, without her I am lost.

Andi was my best friend all throughout High School and most of my "college experience" and then we moved in together and it all went to hell.

Tip for the overall happiness of your life: never move in with your best friend, ever. You won't like each other after the experience. Thank you.

Anyways, I'm pretty sure that aside from not having direction in my life anymore, the lack of a positive best girl friend relationship was the main cause of the start of my depression. Ladies need their girl friends, gays just don't cut it. Sorry homos, I love you, really, really really; but you'll never be to me what a girl friend is. Ever. And I am never going to let all my girl friends slip out of my life again.

Andi is hilarious, and she put up with my strangeness and only laughs at me 40% of the time. I've had so many moments with her that can invoke tear filled laughter with no real warning just by remembering bits of our strange love, and she is okay with never wearing pants when we're together. There really is nothing like not having to worry about pants, and if you have a friend who you can share that blissful state of being with free of judgement it's a good thing. Andi is my heart because she gives me glee. She is a great person, and that helps, she's passionate and smart and talented (so so talented); but aside from all those other things that just make her a well rounded individual, she can make me laugh (and I her) and laughter is why I love Andi. There is something to be said about someone who just gets you. It's best that we never try to live with each other again. Or, if we do, we become spinsters and never have boyfriends just eight or nine cats. I would love eight or nine cats.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

how I got a Kindle for $64.00

Because I am a clumsy whore and this is why I can't have nice things...

Anyways, I called Amazon, and get this, the people there speak English... real American English, and they can understand what I say! But I called them, told them I broke my screen and they said that because it's so old they can't replace it. Although, I can have a $75 toward a new one. A nice new black one.

I decided that I don't need 3G, considering the only time I am somewhere without wireless I'm driving or something equally not appropriate for book reading; so, I bought the one with regular wi-fi and it should come in a few days.

I think it's a sign from the Lord that I need to read my paper books, I have a huge pile getting larger and larger I haven't touched in far too long.

That sounded way dirtier than I intended it to.

In other completely non related news, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow who may possibly prescribe me something for my anxiety or my lack of ability to sleep. I'm looking forward to this more than anything I've ever looked forward to in my life.

Monday, December 13, 2010

I wonder as I wonder...

I think starting my posts with lyrics to Christmas tunes is going to be something I'll try to keep up as long as they fit. Because being campy is okay this time of year and I still don't have a Christmas tree to put anything under and we all needs that extra little something to make stuff extraordinary...

I spent a good half hour or so with my nephew yesterday and all I have to say is that kid is a needy little effer... and it's not getting any better because we all love him so much that we just want to hold him forever, and kiss his soft strangely patchy head. The hair has rubbed off the top and the back is turning into a sexy version of baby mullet. He's still got his side burns, so you don't have to worry about that.

Yellow is not his color... but that face... I'm melting.
The best part is that when I sing to him he likes it. My voice sooths the baby type people; I get to work on my biceps (holding a kid is hard, he's about 12lbs) and vocal skills at the same time.

I figured I'd continue with the 5 things lists from last week because it's a good exercise and I am curious what I come up with.

Do you think about your blog posts before you even sit down to your computer or do you just let them happen? I'm usually 50/50... there are times when I know exactly what I want to say before I even type a letter, others where I have to really think about where my life is and what I think could become interesting read.

5 things I need to question when I meet someone new.

Google found a list of five questions, and I think they are actually good ones. So, I'll answer them.

What am I looking for in my soul mate?
  •  I'm looking for my soul mate to be male, I won't be upset if it's not, I just would like a guy.
  • Someone who believes in monogamy. I understand that that behavior is popular nowadays, but I'm not interested in bringing it into my relationship. I know I get jealous, I work really hard to see things for what they are and not freak out... but sex with another person is still sex with another person, and I can't have that in my relationship.
  • I want someone who is affectionate. I love to show love; and I want someone who likes to show it too.
  • Intelligence/similar sense of humor
  • Family values
  • Patience (I am difficult sometimes, but I really do try not to be...)
  • Must love Gays... although, I feel that acceptance of all types of people would fit into intelligence.
My ideal soul mate would have brown hair and green eyes... but then we could run into a situation where people might think we look like siblings. But I just love green eyes, and dark hair. And I want him to be tall, however, these last ones aren't bulleted, because they don't matter. I'm only half shallow.

What qualities do I need to show to attract my soul mate?
I guess that when it really comes down to it this is the question I do not want to answer because it means talking about myself and what I either do... or don't do... that people I will love will be attracted to (or not).
  • comedy, in a cultured intelligent way.
  • no cheating, I can't expect it if I don't do it too
  • affection, which is easy since I am very affectionate (if I like you)
  • family values, which now is hard because I can't stand my mother or sister... gotta work on that
  • patience... hahaha, umm... okay, I need to be more patient. I need to relax. I need to stop catastrophizing. These are things I'm working on though, so just keep working.
  • Accepting. If people can see how accepting I am then I'll be a good heads up that I am looking for someone who also is accepting, of lot's of things, including homosexuality.
  • Driven... I have this problem with motivation because things tend to just work out for me with little to no effort... I need to get driven so someone who is will love me.
On a real life list, to attract someone I need to lose weight. My fat ass has too much junk in it's trunk, and I have already talked about that so I'll leave it there. I want to lose weight so I'll be more attracted to myself (sex with the lights on... able to wear my cute clothes... that sort of thing) and in doing so gain more confidence in the person I am on the inside. I have probably more confidence than other people my size, but that probably comes from knowing that the real things that matter are what's inside my head and not so much the other crap people spend so much time obsessing over.

What qualities do I have now that can attract my soul mate?
  • Hilarious, really. You think I'm funny reading me... just wait. I'm even funnier in real life.
  • Good Cook.
  • Affectionate
  • Family Values... sort of, all but the mother and sister for now
  • Accepting
  • Adaptable
  • Giving
  • Confidence
  • Singing skills
  • Intelligence
  • Boobies
Am I ready for a relationship?
Am I? I like to think I am. Here it gets sketchy because the website says to list five things from your past and find ways to close the doors on those relationships so you can open the doors to new ones... But, do you have to close a door to be able to move on? Do you have to decided that someone can no longer be part of your life so you can have someone else be your soul mate? I don't entirely agree with this, and here is why:

You are who you are because of where you've been, and who you were there with. I'm looking for someone to love the me that I am now, and I am proud of this me, so why hide that parts from my past that helped shape me? Why close the door on future learning opportunities? Why close the door on past learning opportunities? I am who I am, and I don't regret anything. I'm looking forward to taking the next steps in my life with every bit of knowledge that I have earned myself up to this point, and some of it was painful, but that just makes it all the more real. Yes, I'm ready to see someone new, and yes there are people in my past who I don't talk to anymore; but there are also very important people from my past that i do talk to. And I am not giving up a friend that means so much to me just to say I closed the door on a past relationship. That is not the best choice for me; loosing a friend you have no qualms with and you get along with and who makes your life better just by existing is an idiot decision, and I refuse to make it. Any intelligent gent who I hope to date will see that clearly, so I think the closing more doors thing isn't really what I need to do.

But I do need to figure out of I am ready for a relationship, and I think the answer is yes. I am ready to give parts of myself to someone and have them accept them with open arms. I am ready to see an individual in the special light that comes from dating them on a one on one level, and I am ready to do datey type things. I miss doing datey type things. I miss kissing someone just because I want to, and I miss saying, "good night, I love you,"... not that that'll happen right away. But I still really want there to be that someone who balances me out and keeps me chill.

Future Mr. Potter, where are you?

The last question is What do I need to do to appeal to my soul mate? ...but I think that I already answered that with the attraction question so I am stopping after four.

 I don't know how people ever fell in love before the internet was there to tell them how to do it, seriously.

Friday, December 10, 2010

five no-go's

I'm rarely looking for ideas for things to blog about. My life, it's so damn interesting. But, really, I do read a lot of interesting things because although I am fantastically creative and dynamic... okay, I'm done. I read a lot of blogs. I don't read every single blog by every person I follow, I just read a lot of them. Because, well, I'm "working" for 8 hours a day and while I may actually do some work, I have a lot of free time because I'm here when you need me, and also when you don't.
roads sucked today, in case you were curious.

Basically I read a lot of stuff; and although I think of good things to write about often, I wanted to borrow an idea from someone else. I think it's super applicable to my life since I'm looking for a future husband on the internet via a dating site and I am having trouble with one in particular because I know that bad parts about him... but I am not making any decisions about it.

Indecision, thy name is Denise.

So, over at Kissing and Disasters, the gals are coming up with things that the Millionaire Matchmaker is making her clients come up with. I have heard of the show, but never seen it myself, because well, I hate commercials enough to never watch TV. Netflix has really revolutionized how I am entertained.

List of things you have to do before you can start dating (match dot com should make people answer these questions) according to whoever it is that writes anonymous blogs...

5 things you have to ask yourself before dating someone. 
5 things that you need to question when you meet someone new.
5 things that bring up red warning flags
5 things that are important enough for you to dump the father of your future beautiful children b/c they don’t agree with. (okay, that one may have been stretching the point a bit)

I haven't decided what all of these are exactly asking, but I'll decided later, possibly in this post, possibly not. I don't like to be committed to things so stop bugging me. I kid, you're more than welcome to tell me what you think stuff means, like if you watch the show or something and have a clue what to do... or if you're just smarter than I am.

So.... I'll start with 5 things that bring up red flags, because I have 5 that I know of off the top of my head. And, just like every other list I make these are in no particular order.

1. Likes Rap, like really really likes it. Rap is funny when you look at it as a joke, but as a serious form of musical flag!

2. Won't tell people we met on the internet. There is nothing wrong with the internet, it's here all my friends live, and lying isn't something I feel like doing to your parents when I meet them. If we met online we met online. I'll shut that awkward conversation up real quick and you don't really need a romantic "how did you two meet?" reenactment if people know you were in no sweat pants eating cheese cubes and drinking wine from a box while you opened your inbox to a message from the future Mr. Potter.

That's right, he is the future Mr. Potter because I have a better last name, guarantee it.

3. Doesn't like to read. I don't care if it's a particular website you have a crush on, the news paper, my blog, books, whatever; you have to read something. And you have to do it for the pleasure of it all. Someone who doesn't read probably doesn't enjoy other smart things that I love like Radio Lab or The Big Bang Theory. And if we don't share any interests... red flag

4. Bites his nails. This just grosses me out. So... red flag

5. Has a kid... I can't imagine the responsibility of a kid, especially one that isn't my own mistake, I mean miracle... (yea, sure I do) Children are wonderful, but I don't want to date a guy who has a connection to an ex forever because of a person that they are responsible for making and rearing. Not interested. red flag

Now, there are other things that I came up with, but I think those were more of deal breakers than red flags because a red flag can be gotten around. You see, I love that people are all different and finding out their little bits that make them who they are (and make me attracted to them for being special) is one of the great parts about meeting someone and dating them. But, you can only have so many red flags before I decide that there aren't enough good things to keep me interested.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

ding dong merrily on HIGH

I feel like I haven't been doing anything lately, just thinking about doing things... Story of my life. I am too good at procrastinating, it's a bad habit.

Yesterday in therapy I talked through my dilemmas with ... am I allowed to say his name?... Kyle and how I feel about him and us and me and all this shit because I pay far too much attention to everything.

If I say his name, does that make it real? Ellen and I call him BAM for a few unmentionable reasons, which ended up being a perfect name because he says, "bam!" Emeril style all the freaking time. Whatever, he is real, our "relationship" (or lack there of) is another story completely.

My main fear with starting another relationship is running into a place where I take too much solace in the relationship and ignore all the stressful things I ignored before by taking solace in my relationship. See, I was an idiot, and I was in love, and I made things a lot worse because dealing with things isn't exactly a skill I'm so skilled at. Now, ignoring things, I am bomb at that. Totally rad.

So, I am deathly afraid of losing my outside life, because with Kyle I get time off from my stress. He is easy to be with and hilarious in a lot of really enjoyable ways. I can go to his house and I don't have to hear a baby crying or have my mother follow me around talking because she thinks that's the best solution to missing me... and, I don't have to be alone in a crowded house. Kyle likes being with me, and when we're together I get a peaceful mind and a peaceful place to be myself (all but the farting, I still can't fart). So, I get a break, but I'm afraid to let that break become anything more. I can't let myself slip back into the person I am trying so hard to get past. The idea of that happening scares me more than anything.

But, everyone needs a break. I can't survive being this big ball of stress all the time. I need a break, and since my sister is probably the worst person in the world to live with (before the baby, now it's just awful) and my mother feels the need to be there all the time I don't have that at home. I haven't slept at home for over two weeks, and when I try to sleep there the baby wakes me up more.

Which double sucks because I already have a ton of trouble sleeping. My therapist says I do something called catastrophizing, which is a fancy word for I have a really hard time not seeing the worst possible outcomes for almost every situation. I thought it was control issues, it may still have a bit to do with that, my anxiety is the worst when I am not in control of something, or the control is taken from me, or someone else is driving. Someone else driving is horrible. But, it's more than that.

Recently I decided I need another job. Having two jobs would do wonders for me: I'd be able to have more money, less time to spend the money I do have, I'd be able to make more friends my own age, I'd be busy and would have something to keep my mind occupied (other than catastrophizing), and really, the money is a huge thing. My ideal second job is to be a server. If you've never been you won't get it, but it's really the best job. You get paid every time you work, in cash. You get paid more for working harder. You work 5 or 6 hour shifts and that's it. It's a great job to have as a second job or as a student. When (if) I start school in May, being established at a job like that would be ideal. Seriously, ideal.

But, my anxiety, it's so weird. Putting in the job application I was sure my legs would collapse out from under me. This is just putting in the application, which I already had filled out... Of course, as soon as I started talking to the manager about whatever you talk to managers talk about, I was fine. I didn't die or fall off the chair or make an ass of myself. Next, a week later I decided to call for a follow up because I hadn't heard from them and the person I talked to seemed like he was generally interested in me. Serving is easy, but not everyone can do it and I'm good at it so obviously they want me... So, I'm making this call, just a call, and I feel like my heart will beat out of my chest. I work on the phone for my job. I'm brilliantly professional on the phone. I have no idea what the heck my problem is. The man said he'd call me either that day or the next because he had just been busy but really had planned on calling me, I gave him my cell phone number and I didn't die. I was so sure I was going to explode or something.

About two hours later he called me and set up an interview for today during my lunch. Thinking about it is making my hands (more) sweaty and my heart rate elevated. I can tell because it's beating in my throat.

I don't know what I'm freaking out about, like I said, serving is easy, it's like second nature to me and I am good at it. There is no reason I won't be working there very soon and I just need to keep my head on. So, yea. I guess I'll tell you tomorrow if I have two jobs or not, that is, unless I spontaneously combust or something.

I just realized that the title doesn't really go, it was the song that was stuck in my head at the time. I know you're supposed to name stuff after, but I usually do it first: fun fact about me.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

when you're empty and you're full

There is this thing about me, I love musicals. Love. Really. Really really love musicals.

Over the weekend I saw Billy Elliot and there are a  few things I realized about myself and the world... which is interesting because I've only seen the movie about a million times, and I saw the musical when I went to New York over the summer as well. I hate having epiphanies about something I've already done/seen/said. It makes me feel slow.

The first thing I realized was that although I love the story, I sometimes hate it because it makes me feel not special.

Not everyone can be a prodigy, obviously, how boring would the world be if everyone was fantastic at something? But still, it makes me feel as though I've basically fit exactly into the mold and I'll never be able to shine... That feeling sucks. I want to shine, somewhere, sometime, to someone.

maybe that feeling also comes from being single, and not having anyone super dooper fancy me.

I haven't really talked about my "relationship" here yet because I am not sure if there is anything to talk about. The boy who I like is an interesting specimen to say the least. He is very handsome, his body, so lovely, he cooks well and enjoys my geeky humor... but it pretty much ends there.

Physically, there is a lot of chemistry. I won't tell you what we ended up doing together on the first date; but lets just say that I wasn't exactly a lady. He is really sweet, and such a gentleman. But you don't have to be emotionally invested in someone to be nice to them, and he isn't emotionally invested in me at all.

I know this, because he tells me.

He likes me, and we enjoy each others company, but is that enough? Do I want to be with someone who "enjoys my company"?

But he was engaged about 9 months ago and they ended things because she cheated on him. So, for him the best thing is doing what he is doing, which is not letting anyone in; and that makes me feel like I am not worth it.

Which, is silly. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't be seeing someone that makes me feel that way.  The internet is full of men who want to love me. I just need to find one that I can love too.

So, I realized that sometimes I feel not special, and the musical pointed it out to me so hard.

The second thing, and this is more of a life in general observation, but there is a part during Billy's audition where he is asked how it feels when he is dancing, and part of his answer consists of: it's sort of like crying, when you're empty and you're full.

And that, ladies and gents, is why I love musicals. Singing about your feelings...

I don't know how often you cry, I personally hate doing it but it happens when I get pissed off and recently (well, more like the past year or so) I get mad a lot. Mad  at myself, mad at my life, mad at how people treat me. Crying isn't always glamorous, although admittedly I'm so much prettier after, and I hate doing it; but I almost always feel better when I just let it happen. When I just cry and get it over with, I feel empty of whatever was making me cry, and full of hope. Even if it's a sober hope, it's still hope.

And that's what makes it okay.

Monday, December 6, 2010

My Christmas youshouldbuythesethingsforpeople List

I should have posted this stuff before Cyber Monday, but I didn't, and for that I'm sorry.

I love giving gifts, that is literally my favorite part about the holiday. That, and copious amounts of good food. Getting things is fun, but I can basically buy myself what I want (and my mother can never seem to) so, why not enjoy getting stuff for others?

For the ladies in your life I have found two awesome websites that have really nice, high quality jewelry for super cheap. I bought my mother, sisters and myself all Jewelry from this site.

I bought my sisters and I this bracelet (sorry, it is sold out, I just thought I'd show you) and it was only $25 (each) and free shipping. I'm a sucker for free shipping.

When I saw the deal I was skeptical, but I am super sensitive to metals (among other things) and silver is one thing all three of us can wear. Us Potter gals, we're sensitive ladies. So, I bought it, and it's lovely. Really lovely. Check out the site. Things change about every other day so keep looking.

The second jewelry site I shall talk about is free! Yep, and it's called They have 4 deals going on for 15 minutes each that are constantly changing and all you pay for is shipping. Not everything is cute, but, silver jewelry is nice and if you have time to watch the site a bit you can find really cute things.

Not all girls like jewelry, and, it's not always appropriate to buy them jewelry, I know that giving stuff to my friends and sisters is cool, but, you may be a boy, and if you buy a lady friend jewelry on your first Christmas together she may get expectations and we all know that the lower you set the bar in the beginning the better. Right?

So, why not get her what she really wants? A Voice Activated Wand Flashlight! I can honestly say if some guy got me something like this it'd be hard for me not to fall immediately in love with him. All joking aside, think geek is probably the best site possible for things that you never knew you absolutely needed. And I do mean needed.

I want this Cocktail Chemistry set so badly... How funny is it? I love it.

Geeks unite! And get drinky!

 Or this knife magnet? If you don't have anything better to do read the descriptions under the products, that alone is worth your time.

I bought my nephew this funny pacifier and they have tons of other cute baby stuff.

Now, another great place to get funny gifts (because, lets be honest, who wants a tie or a wallet again?) is from Fred and Friends, which can be found here, on Amazon... lots of sites, you should just look around for the best price.

Some of the stuff I really like are

Basically just know that anything that you find on either think geek or from fred and friends will be useful and pretty funny. The New Black pencils say funny things like
- Having a roommate named Mom is the new black.
- Underemployment is the new black.
- Misspelling is the new black.
- 140 characters or less is the new black.
- D.I.Y. is the new black.
- Upcycling is the new black.
- Analog is the new black.
- Tap water is the new black.
- Hand-sanitizer is the new black.
- In the red is the new black.

Got a mythbuster in your midst? What about these awesome mugs?

I want one more than anything...  Although, they are a tad expensive. This is one of those things where if I knew how to put designs on mugs I would. Because these are awesome, but not twenty five dollars awesome. Does anyone know how to decorate ceramic? I'd love to do this. Lemme know.

Have you ever ruined anything of any ones... on accident of course? Say, they asked you to throw their laundry in and their favorite shirt happened to be white and accidentally made it in with the darks, and say, maybe that you didn't think to check and washed it on warm? No? Just me?

Well, not that I am admitting to anything, but if you were looking for a place to make customised shirts this site has a lot of options, and I don't think it's that over priced. However, if you have a graphic place by you I'd go there. I called one in my city to make sure they'd to a design that was technically trade marked and she said that since it's not mass market she'd be happy to and it was about $20 which is pretty good considering the same thing online is about $40.

Or, for a fun shirt any time check out they have a user created shirt every day for $10 with free shipping. The next day the shirt is $15 so you have to check every day or pay five dollars more.

These are my recent favorites, but, like I said, a new one every day. Go forth and shop for funny shirts. 
For other daily deals and are great. There is also wine and kids woot that are all on the same page bottom right side. basically these sites are awesome all year round and people submit deals they find online for that day. Super cool.

Hope I gave you at least one good idea. If you're still stumped, cologne is always a good option. Or a sweater. I do love a guy in a sweater.