Tuesday, December 7, 2010

when you're empty and you're full

There is this thing about me, I love musicals. Love. Really. Really really love musicals.

Over the weekend I saw Billy Elliot and there are a  few things I realized about myself and the world... which is interesting because I've only seen the movie about a million times, and I saw the musical when I went to New York over the summer as well. I hate having epiphanies about something I've already done/seen/said. It makes me feel slow.

The first thing I realized was that although I love the story, I sometimes hate it because it makes me feel not special.

Not everyone can be a prodigy, obviously, how boring would the world be if everyone was fantastic at something? But still, it makes me feel as though I've basically fit exactly into the mold and I'll never be able to shine... That feeling sucks. I want to shine, somewhere, sometime, to someone.

maybe that feeling also comes from being single, and not having anyone super dooper fancy me.

I haven't really talked about my "relationship" here yet because I am not sure if there is anything to talk about. The boy who I like is an interesting specimen to say the least. He is very handsome, his body, so lovely, he cooks well and enjoys my geeky humor... but it pretty much ends there.

Physically, there is a lot of chemistry. I won't tell you what we ended up doing together on the first date; but lets just say that I wasn't exactly a lady. He is really sweet, and such a gentleman. But you don't have to be emotionally invested in someone to be nice to them, and he isn't emotionally invested in me at all.

I know this, because he tells me.

He likes me, and we enjoy each others company, but is that enough? Do I want to be with someone who "enjoys my company"?

But he was engaged about 9 months ago and they ended things because she cheated on him. So, for him the best thing is doing what he is doing, which is not letting anyone in; and that makes me feel like I am not worth it.

Which, is silly. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't be seeing someone that makes me feel that way.  The internet is full of men who want to love me. I just need to find one that I can love too.

So, I realized that sometimes I feel not special, and the musical pointed it out to me so hard.

The second thing, and this is more of a life in general observation, but there is a part during Billy's audition where he is asked how it feels when he is dancing, and part of his answer consists of: it's sort of like crying, when you're empty and you're full.

And that, ladies and gents, is why I love musicals. Singing about your feelings...

I don't know how often you cry, I personally hate doing it but it happens when I get pissed off and recently (well, more like the past year or so) I get mad a lot. Mad  at myself, mad at my life, mad at how people treat me. Crying isn't always glamorous, although admittedly I'm so much prettier after, and I hate doing it; but I almost always feel better when I just let it happen. When I just cry and get it over with, I feel empty of whatever was making me cry, and full of hope. Even if it's a sober hope, it's still hope.

And that's what makes it okay.


  1. Hey Denise
    Love this post of your I too am a bit of a musical 'geek' myself so much so that I'm now gonna start listening to my 'Miss Siagon' soundrack. (If you've not seen this at a theatre you need to if you ever get the chance.)I sometimes wish singing a song would make me feel better :) like they do in musicals lol.

  2. If it makes you feel any better, when the love of my life and I met we had both recently been out of AWFUL relationships, and we were both under the impression that we could not get into anything anywhere near serious for a super long time. However, it was meant to be, so things worked out exactly as they should! My only piece of advice for you is just to not put all your eggs in one basket- like you said, there are just too many men out there!!! :)



  3. 'm a musical nerd, too, or at least I used to be. I was super gung-ho into showchoir in high school! But hey, be careful with this guy. Just because it's right for him doens't mean it's right for YOU. Don't let him devalue you.

  4. I think it's very admirable of you to accept your feelings on seeing this guy. Most people I know would lie to others and (try to) lie to themselves as well. It usually never works. I'm sure you could justify all his actions and play down your feelings, but since you're clearly smart enough to evaluate your feelings and determine what you want in your own terms, I say don't fight it. You've got the right idea. And it won't be long until what you want comes along. I wish so often that I had done the thinking that you're doing now.

  5. Everybody feels ordinary most of the time.

  6. hey billy eliot, hey new layout. nom nom nom nom nom

  7. I cry all the time, but never about the important things, you know? I cry at commercials and stuff. Even in therapy I have a hard time crying... but I bet I'd feel a lot better if I did :).

  8. What if we ARE all prodigies at something? Only they're lame things like stamp licking and cheese grating? It seems like a possibility.


  9. Meh, I've never seen being "special" as anything special. We're only going to be on the Earth for our time, and 99.99% of us won't be remembered after that, and those of us that are remembered won't be remembered forever, and so what if you're remembered? Being special is pointless; being happy is what counts.

  10. First off, I totally understand on the musical front. I love them so much. My mom and sister judge me mercilessly, but I really do love them.

    And on the relationship stuff, ....I don't know. It's a hard situation. My boyfriend used to tease me all the time about how he dates me because he's physically attracted to me, and I'm still kind of unsure about it sometimes. And while physical attraction is definitely an important part of the relationship (without it? Booooringgg...), if that is not all that you are looking for, why settle? I don't know. It's just one of those things that are hard to solve. I mean, who knows. An emotion bond can form.

  11. If i'm not walking away from a musical thinking or feeling, then the music didn't do its job. I just recently attended "American Idiot", the musical comprised of Green Day's most popular songs. When all of the songs merged, it created a story about growing up, finding yourself, and how life always throws its curve balls, no matter how many good or bad things you've done to yourself and other people. It touched me.