Wednesday, December 15, 2010

without you...

This was probably the hardest day of truth, which is why it's taken me a million years to finally decided what to write about. Or, who... to be exact.

Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

There are lots of "things" that I use every day, and I think my life would suck without them, and in reality it probably would, for a while. But, just like every other change in the world, I would move on and figure things out without it. No big, I'm independent! Right?

The idea of being dependant on someone makes me upset, it makes me feel like alone I am not enough; or, without the continuing aid from someone or many someones I wouldn't be able to function. But, I don't think that's the point exactly. I think I'm over reacting.

I know, what a surprise...

Life isn't about being completely self sufficient, there is too much to be missed by keeping your nose in the air and never accepting help from anyone. I need to stop doing that... people just want to help me, it's not that big of a deal.

Back to people I can't live without. This is so sketchy.. if the rest of this blog post seems jumbled and disconnected just know that I tried.

My true kindred spirit. I have no idea how we grew up to be almost the same person, but we've done it, and we get each other so completely and sometimes it's weird but most of the time it's awesome. She is someone I have known since before I can remember and by some random happening with Lutherans and Catholics we never went to the same school. Because of that and the fact that we were both very involved in extracurriculars we started to drift as we got older; and once I was 17 and stopped doing swim team in the summers it was hard for us to make time for each other because of boys and such. Ugh.. boys...

So, recently, we both came to our senses through lots of pain, crying, therapy, and many many baked goods. About the exact same minute David and I broke up Ellen and her bf of 2.5 years also split, and for lack of a better way to put it we both used each other mercilessly for comfort, someone to listen to us say the same things over and over and over again (guilty... What? Suck it!), and any slight comfort that could be offered to console our broken hearts. Not that I ever want anyone to break up with anyone

Except Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson, not that I have any sort of chance when she is THE EX, but I like to think that now that they are no longer an item I have that much more of a chance if sweeping him off his feet and into my warm bosom for any sort of comfort, I'm not picky...

but having Ellen be the exact same person at the exact same time made a huge difference in me learning about me and getting past that crappy part of my life and on to bigger (hehe... uhh...) and better things. And I needed her. Need her. Forever. She's my one.

So, basically, without her I am lost.

Andi was my best friend all throughout High School and most of my "college experience" and then we moved in together and it all went to hell.

Tip for the overall happiness of your life: never move in with your best friend, ever. You won't like each other after the experience. Thank you.

Anyways, I'm pretty sure that aside from not having direction in my life anymore, the lack of a positive best girl friend relationship was the main cause of the start of my depression. Ladies need their girl friends, gays just don't cut it. Sorry homos, I love you, really, really really; but you'll never be to me what a girl friend is. Ever. And I am never going to let all my girl friends slip out of my life again.

Andi is hilarious, and she put up with my strangeness and only laughs at me 40% of the time. I've had so many moments with her that can invoke tear filled laughter with no real warning just by remembering bits of our strange love, and she is okay with never wearing pants when we're together. There really is nothing like not having to worry about pants, and if you have a friend who you can share that blissful state of being with free of judgement it's a good thing. Andi is my heart because she gives me glee. She is a great person, and that helps, she's passionate and smart and talented (so so talented); but aside from all those other things that just make her a well rounded individual, she can make me laugh (and I her) and laughter is why I love Andi. There is something to be said about someone who just gets you. It's best that we never try to live with each other again. Or, if we do, we become spinsters and never have boyfriends just eight or nine cats. I would love eight or nine cats.


  1. Aww.. this is a really awesome thing to think about. I am glad that you have such amazing friends.

    Not to be that lame bitch who is in a relationship and all happy when you are not, but my bf is probably the only person I could not live without now. We have just totally aligned.. (Man, that sounds cheesy!)


  2. Aw I love this :) Makes me smile. Friends are what make life worth living.

  3. I read this expecting to cry but ending up laughing instead. I love you! :)