Friday, December 3, 2010

I think I need to go off dairy...

There are a few things I do that I'm really embarrassed about and it sort of varies by situation. Obviously I'm not embarrassed about saying something stupid in front of my friends, it happens; we can't all be sharp every minute of every day. But, I am embarrassed to say something stupid in front of someone I just started seeing via the match dot coms...

I'm not embarrassed to fart near (or on) a friend. They are my friends, they have no choice but to love me in spite of my gas (and, if they do things like eat ice cream or Alfredo sauce in front of me... well, it comes with the territory. I'm not going to not eat it just because I'm allergic. I love that stuff. You can't dangle the carrot). But, when it comes to a date... you see where I am going with this?

I don't mind farting near a boyfriend; but, if they aren't my boyfriend yet, if I don't have it in the bag, if I'm not positive that I can dutch oven the heck out of him without fear of him never calling again, I can't fart in front of him...


You see, there is this thing, called sleep. It totally takes away my ability to hold the gas in, and sometimes... it's really really loud.

Like super loud.

Like wakes me up loud.

Yes, I just said it. Sometimes I fart myself awake.

Goodbye followers, it was nice knowing you.

Last night I spent the night at someone I am not officially dating's house, and he is a lighter sleeper than I am. And I had cheese for dinner. And, well, it happened twice. I know that he woke up for them both because he sat up. I scared him to the point of sitting up in the middle of the night with my nocturnal ass gas, and you know what I did then?

I pretended to still be asleep!

What did you think I did?

Ugh... the second time was worse because I know he knew what had happened, since he sort of groaned and rolled over. And, well, in the morning he didn't say anything. I can't talk about it because he hasn't brought it up... If he hasn't said anything I don't want to say anything.

I'm in a predicament here people; I fart, loudly at night and sometimes share a bed with a very light sleeper. I don't think I would wake up if he didn't wake up.

But he does. And I do.

And it's so embarrassing.

So, what do I do? Please save me. You're my only hope.


  1. OMG! This is awful! I don't know what to tell you.. I guess it's one of those "if he really likes you this shouldn't be bad enough to make him want to end it...."

    Sorry chica- this blows!



  2. You say goodbye followers in your article.
    I say hello, because of this aritcle, you have one new one.

  3. I am laughing so hard right now. I honestly don't know if I would mention it or pretend it never happened.

    Either way, popping a couple gas-x before bed next time couldn't hurt!

  4. I love that this is the first post I read of yours. I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM, particularly asleep. No control. None. Luckily, my boyfriend is a heavy sleeper... or a good liar...

  5. Aw, my sister just found out she's allergic to dairy. Now we know why she's been the gassiest person I've ever known. I agree that maybe gas-x or a bean-o might be the way to go before bed, though according to my sister that doesn't really help her much. Maybe a Benadryl?

  6. No damage done. Trust me. Guys don't care if you fart. We care if you're smart, fun and sexy.

  7. I wish I had a sleepover with a guy. but that is besides the point.
    I'd try to cut down on your cheese/dairy and of course bread is a major contributor to gas before hanging out. At somepoint I would let him (or anyone else) of your intolerance for that kind of food but that you love it too much to give it up so sometimes you fart (loudly). Everyone has gas. Its not really a big deal. I had a severe stomach ache the first date I had with my ex. and it turns out his digestion was worse or equal to mine! So you never know.

  8. I know you love the cheeses, but you gotta hold back! Resist the deliciousness! Hell, what am I saying?! If BAM can't handle it, he doesn't deserve you! :P

  9. Ahh, BAM! Now everyone will know what we call him!

  10. Love the gas!

    True story: I farted while reading this. If it were me you were having a sleepover with, I'd be the one doing most of the farting.

  11. i dont know you. but im pretty sure i love you.

  12. I've been off dairy for over a year and it helped me a TON. I definitely say try to wean yourself off completely but, if you can't (I get it, believe me) don't eat it the day of and, if you can, the day before.

    Gas and hot non-longterm relationship sex do not go together too well :).

  13. Wow, definitely made me lol. Uh, personally I'd just pretend it never happened. o_O I mean it's not really anything to be ashamed of, but I certainly wouldn't want to have a conversation about it, "Hey did you hear me farting last night? Yeah..." >.<

  14. Also, at the bottom of this page:

    Ads by Google: Fart Girls Fart on Face Sleep Apnea Farting Sounds Fart Machine 2

    Good stuff.