There are a few things I do that I'm really embarrassed about and it sort of varies by situation. Obviously I'm not embarrassed about saying something stupid in front of my friends, it happens; we can't all be sharp every minute of every day. But, I am embarrassed to say something stupid in front of someone I just started seeing via the match dot coms...
I'm not embarrassed to fart near (or on) a friend. They are my friends, they have no choice but to love me in spite of my gas (and, if they do things like eat ice cream or Alfredo sauce in front of me... well, it comes with the territory. I'm not going to not eat it just because I'm allergic. I love that stuff. You can't dangle the carrot). But, when it comes to a date... you see where I am going with this?
I don't mind farting near a boyfriend; but, if they aren't my boyfriend yet, if I don't have it in the bag, if I'm not positive that I can dutch oven the heck out of him without fear of him never calling again, I can't fart in front of him...
You see, there is this thing, called sleep. It totally takes away my ability to hold the gas in, and sometimes... it's really really loud.
Like super loud.
Like wakes me up loud.
Yes, I just said it. Sometimes I fart myself awake.
Goodbye followers, it was nice knowing you.
Last night I spent the night at someone I am not officially dating's house, and he is a lighter sleeper than I am. And I had cheese for dinner. And, well, it happened twice. I know that he woke up for them both because he sat up. I scared him to the point of sitting up in the middle of the night with my nocturnal ass gas, and you know what I did then?
I pretended to still be asleep!
What did you think I did?
Ugh... the second time was worse because I know he knew what had happened, since he sort of groaned and rolled over. And, well, in the morning he didn't say anything. I can't talk about it because he hasn't brought it up... If he hasn't said anything I don't want to say anything.
I'm in a predicament here people; I fart, loudly at night and sometimes share a bed with a very light sleeper. I don't think I would wake up if he didn't wake up.
But he does. And I do.
And it's so embarrassing.
So, what do I do? Please save me. You're my only hope.