Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I'll jump if you do...

As far as I'm concerned the "jumping off a bridge after a friend" metaphor our parents seem to think is plausible is one of the most irrelevant things parents ever said to children. First of all, is the bridge over water, or an eight lane highway? Do I get a parachute? Do I get a bungee chord? If so , Hell yes! I've always wanted to do that, and if one of my friends is going to as well, why not?

Also, how does jumping off a bridge compare to eating two cookies instead of one? Or seeing a PG-13 movie when you're only 12? Why is it that parents compare death to such small things when we're children? My mother is a lovely person, don't get me wrong, but I'm still afraid of powered sugar because of her, and from age 4 on I thought every single male was going to abduct me and eat my organs in a soup. I thought "fertilization" was peeing till we talked about mitosis in science (waaay after sex ed, private school teaches you nothing), and I never dove into the shallow end, even though I was on a swim team and knew perfectly well how to dive into shallow water. I ran through the house one time when I had strep throat because she told me my heart could stop and I was determined to keep it pumping, and even though I love Dimetapp more than any adult should, I don't drink it for fear of kidney failure.

okay, the last one may be legit. If they made Dimetapp juice I'd never drink anything else, that stuff is amazing. I may or may not take a sip every now and then when I don't need it. Actually I never need it, I'm fully capable of taking NyQuil, it just doesn't do it for me like a cold swig of Dimetapp.

When you're a kid you have to learn so many things, and because of the vast amount of things you have to learn, your parents decided that scaring you into listening is the best policy for making it stick. Now, I am grateful that I'm alive today. I never choked on powdered sugar, my heart never stopped beating because of strep throat, and I was never stolen out of my front yard by a man looking for a puppy who wanted to pay me with candy; but I also never got to eat that second cookie... or watch Jumanji till I was about 15.

Even though my parents would liked to have kept me completely from harm and never let me learn to read, let alone talk, I wasn't the bubble girl. I read a lot, and I sometimes have trouble keeping my pie hole closed. I fell down, I got hurt, I made mistakes, I lied to my parents. I had friends over while they were gone, boyfriends. I am not pregnant and I never have been. I stayed up late on school nights and ate junk food. I've seen movies that gave me nightmares and I went back for the sequel. I've driven to Chicago with friends on a whim and stayed in dirty prostitute hotels because I was only 18.

God himself punished us for that one though... the tire (entire tire) fell off the car on the way home. We were almost hit by a semi who later retrieved our tire and gave us yoo-hoos...

But you know what? I'm alive. I'm smarter, and I know that a lot of the wisdom I've acquired is from making those mistakes myself, not living in fear of powdered sugar. 

Peer pressure does have a place, and positive peer pressure is just as prominent as negative. I've personally not done something because I didn't know what my friends would think of me if I did, and I've also done things because I feared what my friends would think if I didn't. But now that I'm legally an adult where does that fit into my life? How do my friends effect me now, and how do the decisions I make today effect my life in 5 or 10 years?

I can honestly say that last night I spent $33 I did not intend on spending because my friend wanted to go out to dinner, and drink. I had already eaten and there was plenty to drink at home, but because he was hungry I went. I ended up getting an appetizer, a side salad, and 2 drinks. I wasn't hungry, he was. I didn't want to spend $5 on drinks I had at home he did. But, because I was with him I decided to do what he did, therefore spending money at a restaurant that I didn't need to go to. Why? Why did I do something I really didn't want to just because someone else did? I can honestly say it's because the movie we were watching was boring, and I like restaurants and wanted a change of scene. But still, I could have gotten coffee... I could have gotten water. I didn't have to spend any money at all, he was just looking for company; but I was there, so why not?

Peer pressure is why not. I did it because he did. I jumped off the bridge, into oncoming traffic, and it cost me $33.

I like to think that I'm good with my money. I'm in less debt than a lot of people I know, and I have never been late on a payment for student loans, my car, a credit card, or anything else. I know this because I was curious about my credit report and checked it yesterday for the first time. I'm confused about a lot of what it says... but I have someone who I know can help me.

Because of the current state of the economy I am trying harder than ever to get educated about smart financial decisions. Of all the life lessons my parents taught me, smart money managing wasn't one of them. My parent's didn't have the knowledge to teach me even if they had wanted to, bless them. You can't teach something you don't know; but you can set a bad example. And I was smart enough to learn from their mistakes.

If you're interested in seeing where you stand in financial fitness based on other twenty-somethings click on over >>here<< and take the test. My results are basically average which surprised me considering I felt like I was doing a good job. The best part of that is "average" is "good". Most people are good. I was also surprised by that. I guess I shouldn't lose my faith in people so easily.

As far as I'm concerned monitoring your money is the most important thing you can do as far as financial well being goes. If you know where you stand you're more likely to not make mistakes. Friends can encourage you to spend money you may have not intended to spend, but as long as you're on top of your money you'll never go over your limit... I take that back, as long as you don't listen to your friends more than your inner self and you monitor your finances regularly you'll never go over.

My best friend graduated from college in three years and now has a great job he loves. He worked his butt off for it and is reaping the benefits. In a few weeks he and I are going to Myrle Beach for the first time in our lives and it's because we are both financially stable right now. Today I have about $6 in my bank account because I have been buying things for the trip (hotel, tickets to shows...) all on my debit card because he will be paying me back, but because I know where I stand on a day to day basis I'm not afraid of having an account so low. I also get paid today, the check is still in my purse though; which is another reason I'm okay with being so close to 0. Vacation is exciting, and I wouldn't be going if if weren't for my friend. Splitting the gas and hotel makes it affordable, having someone to go with makes it fun. And because he wanted to go to, we're really doing it.

Another exciting adventure I'm going on this coming month is a weekend trip to New York City. I planned my budget accordingly, I'm taking a bus (I shopped around and with two different companies I saved a total of $50 on my round trip, saving money is very good, all you have to do is look around) and I'm staying with a friend. All these trips are only possible because I have friends who are helping pay for things and making suggestions for good deals.

When you grow up in a house that doesn't emphasize the importance of smart spending , having positive peer pressure around you is a must. I dated a guy recently who owns a house, and because he was responsible financially he never tempted me to be rash with my spending. Other friends of mine, the ones who live paycheck to paycheck because they are still in school and struggle a lot are less likely to think about saving and therefore aren't that good of influences. High school friends (the freshmen from my senior year just graduated, I no longer know anyone in high school who isn't my little sister or her friends) are also not good examples... but I can be a good example to them and I try to be. I try to suggest things that don't cost money or are very inexpensive. I talk to my little sister about the importance of saving v. spending and value over cost. Not that a 16 year old girl would ever listen to me, but I can try. And saying things over and over again means that she may eventually hear me, and remember something when she is faced with a difficult decision.

Money is something people hate, why do you think communism has such appeals in theory? All animals are created equally, some are just more equal, right? Wrong. Not every person has the same capabilities, and that's why I am here to fight for all I'm worth, and maybe build a little credit while I'm at it. Because I like to sleep in a bed with sheets. And I'm not a pig.

Disclaimer: This post is part of the 20SB Blog Carnival: Friends & Money, sponsored by Charles Schwab. Prizes may be awarded to selected posts. The information and opinions expressed in this post do not reflect the views or opinions of Charles Schwab. Details on the event, eligibility, and a complete list of participating bloggers can be found here.

at least Edward wasn't so creepy, thats a plus

I like Harry Potter and Twilight. There, I said it.

The best part about the movie last night was that the creepy factor was kept under control, and they played up the humor of the situation a lot more. Awkward teen moments make me laugh. I am really glad though that I wasn't one of the million or so 13 year old girls who saw it with their mother... some bits would have been moderately uncomfortable.

The other thing I'm happy about is the size of the Weres... most times werewolf's don't seem that large, these do. They are described as horse sized if my memory doesn't fail me, and in the movie the dogs are huge. It's the small details that make me happy. That's what happens when you're a book nerd.

The vampires fight in this movie and they play up the "hard as granite" aspect way too much. There is no blood, they shatter. That part was strange. I didn't imagine them as looking crystallized, but maybe it was easier than having blood everywhere?

Best news: Harry Potter looks amazing. I can't wait... 5 months, just 5 months... HOW CAN THEY MAKE ME WAIT A YEAR FOR THE SECOND HALF??!!?!!

The main improvements (besides Edward not looking like a rapist throughout every scene, he even smiled! think, love making you happy? weird...) were Jacob Black predominantly had his shirt off, Edwards hair was shorter and much cuter, and Edward didn't take his shirt off and reveal his strange nipples. The story line was accurate. Some of my favorite parts in the book where when the vampires explain their pasts and Rosalie and Jasper had flashback moments that were enjoyable and great for the story. Lately movies based on books disappoint me, but Twilight hasn't. I will admit that I have only seen each of them once. I never bought the movie, I never had the desire to do so; but from my one view with a not so obsessive outlook I'd say it was worth the nine bucks and losing sleep.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

because my "inner voice" now sounds like Alec Baldwin

You know how the first time you hear a recording of your voice you get weirded out because it sounds nothing like you? That may have to do with the tiny yellow and red microphone you were talking into, but more likely than not it's because your inner voice sounds nothing like the real you; and your inner voice is the one you think with, you read with, you talk to yourself with... not that you talk to yourself.

And now, after watching 30 Rock like it's the Disney Channel and I'm five and a half years old, I can't get the voice of Jack Donaghy out of my head. I read in that voice, I think in that slow deep scratchy timber that makes my knees wobbly and my heart go pitter-patter, and best of all I now hear him narrating my life.

I'm not too disappointed, it's just my inner voice. I mean, how often do these things change? And after all, Alec does frequent my late night fantasies almost as much as Harry Potter.

Monday, June 28, 2010

can I bring a pillow on the bus?

In a mere 18 days I'll be taking the plunge and heading to the big city. The Big City. The city so important you say it twice. New York, New York!

I'm not going to start a countdown because I can't count backwards and walk at the same time... but I can tell you this: I'm pretty gosh darn excited! I'm just nervous about one thing.

The bus ride is long, like really long. And although I'll have my Kindle and I will bring snacks, I think that a 2 hour ride followed by a 7 hour one after I change buses is plenty of time to get in a good nap. Hey, it's about what I sleep on a nightly basis, and since I'll be waking up and heading out into the city that lets you drink in public till around 4am, why not sleep as much as I can before I'm there? My biggest concern is (besides being drugged and having my organs harvested) that I won't be able to sleep on the bus. I'll probably be cold (is that weird? I get very cold in the AC on charter buses) and I need a pillow to sleep. So my main concern is can I bring my own pillow?

Remember September 11? Remember how travel basically became impossible after that?

So, the station has no real qualms about bringing liquid, which is good since I plan on bringing a keg... kidding, but I will bring some beverages considering Adrienne loves whisky and what is a better house warming gift than booze? And in order to calm my traveling nerves I plan on being half sloshed at least until I can relax enough to get my heart rate down to normal, and since anti-anxiety medicine isn't over the counter yet. But they do have limits on how much luggage you can bring.

I only will be gone for 2 days, so I can probably fit everything into a carry on. But can I fit all my clothes, as much booze as I'm planning on bringing, snacks, the cookies I will be baking for Adrienne, my shot gun pepper spray for protection, and a pillow, and a blanket? Do normal people have these fears when traveling? No? Anyone?

On a brighter note I got paid today, which is good because my account was at -$42 when I looked this morning... I wrote at $43 check at the beginning of the month my sister didn't cash till yesterday. I would have been fine if she'd just cashed it at the beginning of the month like a normal person and I would've been able to see it on my statement. But asking anyone in my family to do more than pretend to be normal is asking way too much.

On a second equally bright note I may be singing with a band! I know someone who knows someone who needs a girl singer. I'm a girl singer. How perfect?! Well, the thing is that they sort of do pop country music, and I don't really have a country voice, but I blend like no bodies business so if they only want me for harmonies they are in for a treat. However, my voice sounds awesome with guitar. Maybe I'll work, maybe not.  Happy Monday!

Friday, June 25, 2010

what do I want?

As a woman I have the right to change my mind often for for no real reason other than I want to. I'm allowed to feel very passionately about something one day, and then not really care whatsoever about it at all the next. I can do this, because I'm a woman.

I was reading an article that depicted the basic things women want from a guy they are dating... and some of the things are very important, but I thing they skipped some majorly important things for long term relationships.

Their list (from most important to lesser important but still necessary) is:

1. confidence (power)
2. sense of humor (fun)
3. men with money, or things money can buy (security)
4. looks (protection and attraction)
5. "bad boy" (mysteries, independent/strong)

Personally I was surprised that I agreed with most of the list, even if it was just the parenthesise. However, the fact that intelligence wasn't on it was so surprising to me, but I remembered most women are idiots and they wouldn't remember how important being mentally stimulated is in a relationship. So, because I like to think of myself as not and idiot (no matter how strange I am) here are the things I find important, the order changes with the situation.

1. Intelligence. This will always be number 1 unless I'm stuck under something heavy, then strength would have to win out. I like nerdiness, and if you wear glasses I'd be very happy. :) boys with glasses are hot, especially black plastic framed ones, I don't know why, it just does it for me. That may fall under looks, I'm getting ahead of myself. I need a guy who can teach me things and is willing to do so. One who can speak my language, or at least some of my language. One who won't be put off when I interrupt him with something slightly related, but in reality has very little to do with what we were talking about and then can pick back up right where we left off after I've said my bit. I need a guy who is willing to admit he is wrong, and one who won't rub it in my face when he is wrong. I need a guy to listen to radio lab with me, and one who is interested in pausing it and conversing. It's very important that he is intelligent, so much so that there is no way I'd ever date a dumbo.

2. Similar likes (and dislikes). If you're with someone and they don't like the same things you do there is an issue. What will you do together? Now, obviously I don't want someone who only likes the things I do, we have to be apart some times, but if they don't like the same stuff you'll never do anything where both people are happy. It's also important for the person to not like the stuff you also don't like. That way you can make fun of things without risking stepping on toes. This may fit into humor... my numbers are overlapping.

3. Humor. If I can't laugh at you or with you it's over. Laughing is great, and it's totally necessary. I have a sense of humor that involves insulting the very fiber of your being,and of you can't take it I'll give it to someone else. I like to go out to eat and listen to the people around us and make fun of a) how stupid they are or b) them personally. Not in a mean way, but when you ask for a to go cup for your water... or say that you should start smoking to loose weight after you're already 200+ pounds over weight I'm going to think you're an idiot. If you're in high school I'm going to make fun of you no matter what comes out of your mouth because it will be dumb, because you're in high school. My guy has to be prepared for that, and partake, and enjoy.

4. Takes care of himself. I was that girl in high school (and maybe some of college...) who thought gender stereotypes were a horrible terrible thing and I needed to break them. So I drove my boyfriend, and I paid for him because I had jobs, and they didn't. What I should have realized is that they needed broken up with, a guy without a job is not a guy who I want to date. Now, if we date for a while, fall madly in love and are super serious and he looses a job that's different. If he doesn't try to get another it's not different. I want a guy who can take care of himself financially, because I'm not here to do that. I'll help you when you're sick, I'll cook for us and help with dishes. I'll watch your pet while you're on vacation and I'll pay every couple of times we go out. I'll pick you up from the airport. I'll water your plants if you forget. But I won't drive you home from school every day because you got your license suspended and don't want to ride the bus, and I won't take you out to dinner if you don't talk to me the whole time and you just agreed to get free food. I hate users and moochers, but I'm too good natured to say no that often and I've been taken advantage of a lot. I need a guy who won't be tempted to take advantage of me. That's not cool. This also goes for a clean house and a clean body. I don't want to date a slob, and I don't want to date a guy who smells either. I don't want him to constantly need a hair cut or to shave. Take care of yourself, I'm expected to, so are you.

5. I want a guy who listens to me. I have an insane memory. I can recite lists and facts like it's my job. I know every ones birthdays off the top of my head. I can remember entire recipes that I've only made once, and I can make them perfectly. I don't expect you to remember things like I do. I can't, that'd be insane. however, I do expect you to remember what I just said, and partake in a conversation. I expect you to remember dates that we've made plans for or bought tickets for. I expect you to remember something you say you'll remember. I expect you to do the things you say you'll do. I guess that fits into a category of responsibility. I do also expect you to be responsible.

5. Looks, sensitivity, open mindedness, acceptance, confidence, basically everything else that weaves in and out of the other categories. My guy has to look good to me, but that will usually be if he is a smartie or not. I'm sexually attracted to intelligence, and that's not a joke. He has to accept that my best friend is gay, and I'm pro-homo, and I will never change my mind about that. He needs to be confident, but  not overly egotistical. His head needs to be small enough we can fit in the same room together, humility is just as sexy as confidence in the right context. Sensitive and aware of my needs. I like to snuggle, but I also like my alone time. I get monumentally crazy one week out of every month, and I try hard, but it's seriously like I'm bi-polar.  I don't play games, sorry. I don't like dating a guy who isn't willing to give me himself, honestly. I'm crazy, I'll admit it right now, but I'll accept your crazy if you accept mine. I like to have sex, a lot. And I like to do it places other than the bed sometimes. I want to be with someone who knows what they are doing, and I don't want to just be with some guy because he is good in bed. That's not the most important thing, at all. Good sex comes from a good relationship, and I'm willing to wait. As far as "bad boy" goes this girl is not interested. I don't like people who are overly risky or irresponsible. Yes mystery is interesting, but secrets have no place in my relationship. I wouldn't mind an exhibit of strength from a prospective love interest, but I like them to not be obsessed with their body or overly muscular. I like my guys to have a neck, and a bit o' belly is really cute too. Muscle maniacs are gross to me. As far as height goes I prefer over 6 feet, but at least taller than me. And over all size, that is bigger. I don't want to be the big one. My guy needs to be bigger than me, so I'll feel protected. I'd prefer if he looked like Harry Potter. That'd be perfect.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

why i'd still rather be a girl

Don't get me wrong, being a girl sucks sometimes. You can't play a sport and get taken seriously, you have things to deal with like boobs and a butt that stick out and make it impossible to go through small places without either standing on your toes or playing human Tetris.

Being a girl means you're expected to cook dinner then do the dishes when you stay over at some ones house while your parents are on vacation without you (I'm still scarred...). People expect you to want to be a mother some day, and to keep the house clean all while having pretty nails and smelling good. And you're never allowed to fart, or poop. Because you're a lady.

Being a girl means that for one week or so out of every month your organs raise war against your insides with no regard for human life; and you still have to participate in gym class because "it happens to all young women". You have to have your mother explain what oral sex is to you because your parents sent you to private school. Talk about the most embarrassing game of mini golf in my life... I still don't like put put.

You have to sit through health class pretending you're not offended when every guy snickers at the vagina on the wall, you have to watch movies like "Teeth" and pretend you don't wish you had that power sometimes. Being a girl means you're supposed to eat less even if you're hungry, and act scared in movies even when you're not. You can't ask a guy out for fear of bruising his ego, and once you're dating you can't act like you like him or he'll lose interest. You're expected to be catty and you're expected to like shopping. Your best friend happens to be an ex boyfriend who came out of the closet to you, but since he is still technically your ex and has seen your girl parts he's still a major threat; even though he is gay. You get called a lesbian when you have slumber parties and you and your girl friends can't cuddle without that being thrown around too, no matter how cold the room is or small the blanket. Or when you go naked hot tubing because it's dark and your kind of drunk, and it's only girls.

Most females can't drive well, they get easily distracted, they forget how to get places, and give terrible directions. They look at them self  in the mirror too often and can't remember what shoes they are wearing without checking (sometimes). We have to watch movies like 27 Dresses and The Diary of Bridget Jones, and we have to watch them multiple times because we have vagina's, and that's what we're expected to do.

Being a girl is probably the worst thing ever, but I'd still rather be a girl.

Would you like to know why? Because I'm allowed to be crazy, and when I'm crazy people just brush it off and account it to the fact that I'm female.

Yesterday David found something that proves this theory. In my car I have a small compartment over the lighter outlet... this compartment is filled with honey packets. I have no idea what possessed him to look in it, and to be honest I don't have a good reason to actually have this "crazy honey stash" but now the world knows because David decided to post it on twitter the minute I got out of the car to get the Chinese food.

"please don't take a picture of my crazy honey
stash and post it online" Denise

And I'm lucky enough to have been born a girl, so this behavior is going to be brushed under the rug with all the other crazies that accidentally get out far more often than necessary.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

i'm not really a breakfast perosn

This is what I've had for breakfast for the last few days in a row...

Not that eating fiber supplements is in any way a meal replacement, but I've been full till lunch time, and I'm feeling great. And with the amount of butter and carbs I normally cook with (especially for breakfast) cutting out one meal's worth of calories is not a bad thing. Not to mention all that womanly bloat we have sometimes is not effecting me as much as normal.

Am I allowed to talk about poop on my blog?

Like I tell my babysitting kids, everyone poops.

Fiber is good, and these taste good. And if I can take two, drink my water bottle, and feel like a functioning human being without a grumbly belly I'm going to do it. Especially since it's zero calories but makes me feel like I ate a meal.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

this is why I should drink before I go to sleep

As many of you may or may not know, when you go to bed intoxicated you're less likely to dream, therefore less likely to remember those dreams.

side note:the reason you don't remember your dreams is because your brain naturally omits an enzyme that inhibits you from building the protein structure that is a memory. The ability to remember dreams is actually a genetic mutation, just like the ability to digest dairy! If you don't remember your dreams then you are not a mutant. X-MEN here I come!!

Drinking makes you fall into deep sleep and stay there longer, however it also makes you more likely to wake up suddenly when you're brain is no longer being affected and harder for you to fall back asleep. I'm not a scientist here people, I just read a lot.

Okay, so my sister has decided that because I drank a bottle of wine the other day while we were watching a movie and I could still carry on conversations and walk like a normal person I am an alcoholic. I'm not, this is just something she decided. What she didn't take into consideration is that I started drinking while I was making our dinner (chicken pot pie, from scratch... you try doing that "drunk") and then finished it when the movie was over. So, over the course of 3 and a half hours I had 1 bottle of wine. Did I mention it was Arbor Mist? Not even real wine...

So I'm an alcoholic now.

Well, since these accusations presented them self I decided to monitor my drinking. How is goes is if I drink during the week it's usually one drink, possibly 2 if I watch a movie or something, and I never drink by myself. On weekends I'll drink however much I want, but once again with people, and I rarely get drunk. I never do it when i have to drive somewhere, and I always stop drinking an hour or so before I feel like I want to go home. After this I decided that my sister is just being a pregnant woman and can't keep her mouth shut or opinions to herself. I'm not an alcoholic, I just like drinking.

After I came to this conclusion I felt better about myself. And because I have been reading like crazy I don't have as much time to drink because i like to read sober... obviously.

So last night, after reading myself to sleep for like the 6th night in a row and not drinking a drop for the past few days, I had a dream that incorporated all that aspects of my life, in a very strange way.

I first have to preface this with I've been reading the southern vampire mysteries which is about vampires, if you're embarrassed about anal sex stop reading.

So my dream begins with me and Andi (one of my best girl friend) getting ready for a show choir competition... and Andi is a vampire now, so it's night. We're getting ready in my old bedroom of my step-mothers house (my dad and she have been divorced for 4 or more years now) and something is wrong and Andi keeps falling asleep. Since she is a vampire I'm afraid for her life. I can't get her to show choir which is also very important and I'm freaking out because no one will help me.

Cut to me in front of a mirror. I'm not in my current house and doing my makeup in the bathroom. I was doing some really weird stuff trying to make myself look like a vampire while Andi was still not able to wake up on my bed. I was trying to shadow my face to look dead and to have blood dripping down my mouth... I looked stupid even for a dream. So I'm washing off my makeup and David comes in and tells me he likes it and tries to get me to have sex with him, while Andi is passed out on my bed and I have half a face of freaky makeup.

Andi disappears. I decide to not take off my show choir dress; but he and I start going at it anyways. For some reason I come to the conclusion that now is a good time to try anal and I straight up go for it.

in all my dreams where I actually have sex I can't feel it. I have sex in my dreams to make the other person happy, and there is nothing really in it for me. I guess if anal really didn't feel like anything I might try it in real life; but I'm afraid of the pain and I know that my dream sex is not like it is in the real world. When I do have arousal dreams I'm always in a public place getting off and I'm super embarrassed about it. Does that say something about me physiologically? I can't be happy with someone and I can't ever be alone doing it by myself. There is never a blissful sex dream for me. I need a therapist.

So I'm having anal, David is loving it, I'm very pleased that I'm not in excruciating pain and my dress still looks great; then the sun starts to come up!

Andi, who is now back in my bed is still unable to wake up and David has disappeared. I have to save my vampire friend from the burning rays of the sun!

Cut to me having saved Andi and my dress is now covered in dirt because I think I buried her somewhere. I'm now too ashamed to go to show choir so I don't go.

This is the type of dream I have when I don't drink. Others include things like I'm a lion and the prairie where I live is flooding so I have to run to the city but can't climb a latter because I'm a lion.

Or I'm a movie director and I'm filming the movie of my life and somewhere on some plateau in the middle of no where there is a water tower that The real David and the Actor Denise are in, and David gets his leg cut off, all the water fills with blood and he dies as I'm standing there filming it.

If I drink just enough to throw off my equilibrium before I go to sleep I don't have dreams that make me feel like something is psychologically wrong with me upon waking up. But then people think I'm an alcoholic. What are you gonna do?

Monday, June 21, 2010

I need a new job

I need to go back to school and I need to get out of here.

I can't stand the fact that I have to literally "cover my own ass" because people are irresponsible.

I work for an insurance agent, and although this job is the only one I had, and it's wonderful that I got it when I did, I can't really stand working here.

The basis of it all is this: my job is not to babysit, but when it comes to people paying their bills I have to. I have to call them, and tell them they are late (something they already know because they get their bills the same 2 times every year and they already got a regular bill and a late bill). So I call these people, 3 times, and tell them they are canceling, and then they pay. Only after I've done this because they are too lazy to even pick up the phone and tell me they 1. got the message and 2. already knew they were late.

So, what happens if I don't call them? What happens if the fact that they are late slips through the radar and I don't call them?

Their car insurance cancels, and they drive without insurance. And I don't care.

However, if they get into an accident, and then find that "oh my? you mean I didn't pay my insurance that was due 2 months ago?" And guess who's fault that becomes? Mine.

It becomes my fault because 15 years ago some woman with nothing better to do decided to call these people three times so they became incredibly lazy and the blame falls on me. It's my fault you, the supposedly responsible adult, forgot to pay your car insurance because I didn't babysit you. It's me fault that you forgot.

And you know what? If I can't prove, in front of a court, that I did call them it really is my problem. Because for 15 years that's how it's been done, and I didn't call them. I'm responsible for 40 and 50, and 80 year old adults who can't read their mail and send out their bills on time.

I want a job where if someone doesn't do what I say the first time, it's not my responsibility to babysit them. I want a job where people driving without car insurance can't fall on me.

I don't care. Take that back. I do care. I care as much as they do. And if they don't care enough to monitor and pay their bills on time, I don't either.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I'm going to NEW YORK!!!

Of all the things in the world I've never done, going to NYC is one of the worst things on the list. I live in Ohio for Pete's sake, why haven't I been been there? I can't even justify this.

Senior year I chose to go to Chicago with the drama club instead of the senior trip to NY... I think I chose well, I got along better with the drama kids than the people in my class at that point. End of senior year was rough, I hated everyone...

Other opportunities just never came along for me. Until now.

The love of my life/best girl friend I've ever had, Adrienne, left me to live a life of glam in the big city about a month ago. And now, since we miss each other, I'll be visiting her in a month. I planned a bus trip, and It'll be the best weekend ever.

July is my month! New York in the middle then Myrtle Beach in the end. It's almost like I'll be having summer vacation again... only I'm missing a total of 3 days of work, and I'm getting paid for them since I'm a big kid.

I won't be seeing a show, not that I could afford it right now; but I'll be seeing Adrienne and I always have a good time with her. There are a few things I must do, and they are 1) get Chinese food and 2) give money to a street musician. Gotta support the arts, and dumplings.

Art and dumplings, my two favorite things in the world.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

so I guess I'm a big kid now...

My sister is pregnant.

I have friends who are getting married.

I live on my own.

I have a real, 9-5 job.

I have my own health insurance.

I can buy booze without feeling silly.

I'm planning my first vacation ever on my own, and I'm using paid vacation time to take it.

But the thing that pretty much everyone my age has that I do not (regardless of all the other stuff) is a credit card. And I just applied for one. And I was accepted. I guess I'm officially an adult now. And it's weird.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


I think it's hilarious when books talk about modern "in" things, because at the time they are cool, but in a few years it will just seem dated.

In the Southern Vampire Mysteries they talk about a Hairagami... how funny is that?

I do feel good remembering them (and secretly wanting one).

When I write my first novel I'll do my best to make it pertinent and timeless.

Friday, June 11, 2010

please don't be white trash...please

I live in Ohio, the north-eastern part, and the only accent I sometimes have (besides a well practiced British one which appears when I sip tea) is my "Akron A"... sometimes pronounced "ay", which isn't even always present, I don't have an accent!

I grew up here, in NEO, and wonder where the other people who grew up here got "southern accents"? WHy do they sound like garbage? How do they sound like they are completely different when they are from the same place?

Hillbilly, some say. Or white-trash.

Imagine the people from

 No one should live their life like this. I don't care if you shop at walmart... that's not what I'm getting at. I'm saying that you don't have to live like garbage, and sound like an imbecile every time you open your mouth. You don't have to wear clothes that don't fit and too much makeup. You are allowed to shower, and have nice looking hair. Why do you choose garbage? Why is that acceptable to you?

It honestly makes me sad, that people have no shame. That they have no pride in the way they present them self, thus the way they are perceived.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

myrtle beach baby!

So, yesterday I booked my hotel for Myrtle Beach!
this is NOT my dress, I do like it though
How exciting is that? I'll tell you, super exciting.

Of all the things that I'm excited for the most wonderful is we will be going to a Medieval times dinner theater. I about peed my pants when I found out they had one in the area. Once I get in the doors I refuse to talk in anything but a British accent, and I will dress up, if Bobby will let me. I do play D&D you know, I have no shame when it comes to this stuff. I don't have a costume or anything, but I was a madrigal singer... and I may or may not still have my dress :)

We are also planning on attending the Ripley's Believe it or not Aquarium. I'm also going to admit that I spent about $80 last year on Blue Planet and Planet Earth because I bought it from the Discovery store... If only I'd been familiar with Amazon. I could have saved so much money. So where I'm going with that is I like underwater stuff. I like science. And I will probably spend way too much time there and may come out with a hat that looks like a shark, which I'll wear forever.

I decided today (since I paid the full price of the hotel, upfront, yesterday because Bobby has "no money" (his parents are giving him money to go, wish my parents were that giving) I will have to wait till I get paid a few more times before I buy these things) that I need a sun hat, and I want a new pair of sun glasses because mine are old and scratched. But, like I said, I have to wait a bit to get those items.

I decided a bit ago I would make myself a bathing suit, and from everything I've read so far it shouldn't take too long. I bought the material a while ago, and I bought the elastic about a week ago; I just need to do it. I'm going to put a bra in it (the main appeal of making my own) so that I can be comfortable and supported. I'm a swimmer, and wearing a bathing suit doesn't make me self conscious because it's like my second skin; but since God gifted me with gigantic nunga-nungas I've had to be very selective with what suits I wear because most don't have the support I need.

I like the look of this one, but at $138 I'm not really interested in purchasing one. I love the ruching around the top, it's really cute and hides the fact that it has a built in bra (with under wire). Like I said though, my fabric is purple. I'll definitely post as I begin making it.

side note: today is the day I find out if Teresa's baby is a boy or a girl! I'm rooting for a girl for a few reasons. 1. she has a really dumb boy name picked out (Odin. His nickname will be OdOR) and 2. Ruffle butt onesies will be so fun to make!

Last, but not least most important announcement for the day is that I applied for a serving job today online! I'll be going after work to hand in the application in person. The nanny job I had was apparently only for the school year, and she will only be needing me for random sitting date nights now, and at $35 a pop it's not that much more than I'm already making, It's time to get down to business. If I get a serving job now I can have some seniority come school time and have a more flexible schedule. I should be starting school in January, since my father has been giving me about a thousand a month to pay off my debt

side note: I'm paying him back, don't worry. Before I started school he agreed to pay half of every semester, I'd use my scholarships and student loans to pay the other half. So, I'll just take out loans for the whole amount for 2 semesters, and then we'll resume out regular he pays half I pay half regime. See? Easy).

and as a student there is no better job then serving, especially at a place where you've been for a while and they like you. I talked to the manager at this particular place when Damon's (my other serving job...) closed and he wanted me to come in and put in an application, but I was lazy and had a boyfriend and was enjoying my evenings off. Now I just want the money, and I'm willing to work for it so I'd make a great hire. Plus I'm not going on vacation for over a month and half, that gives me time to train, work a little bit, and since I'm taking Thursday to Monday off, it won't be that big of a deal. People want to work now, not like before when every server requested off every weekend. I also have a really close friend who works there that told me yesterday they are hiring like crazy, and I'm a good employee. I was filling out the application and realized how good I look on paper. I'll explain:

In the past 3 jobs I've never been fired (I've never been fired from anywhere actually), and more importantly I never left anywhere for no reason. Damon's closed, no con troll over that one, and Brandywine was seasonal, I couldn't work over the summer. I've had jobs overlapping (good for multi-tasking), and I'm not unemployed at the moment.

See? I'm reliable, because I wont quit. I've gotten a raise at my current job, that's on there too, which means I'm good and worth paying more. And most importantly It shows that people want to hire me, there is only a 1 month period on there where I don't have a job, and since I was in school, taking about 10 credit hours and going 6 days a week to fit it all in, a month with no job I think is acceptable. I'd hire me, wouldn't you?

Don't answer that.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

my sister

I have two sisters, one is older, one is younger. I'm lucky enough to be in the middle... Yeah, real lucky.

All bitterness from my childhood aside, I would like to share about my oldest (soon to be a mother) sister.

If you're interested in getting to know her you may check out her blog here, although she doesn't update all that often... but then again she doesn't sit in front of a computer every day like I do for her job :)

My sister is a lovely lady, and she is also the girl I live with. She and I usually get along, but then sometimes we don't. But, it's usually hot and cold with us, there really is no between. I suppose that's nice, and since we usually get along well it's really nice. Right now she is tired a lot, and that's because her egg-o is prego... there is a bun is in her oven... she's expecting! And although I don't know if it's a girl or a boy yet (she wants a boy, I want it to be a girl) I love it already.

I'm so excited to be an aunt, and the fact that she lives with me is all the better because I wont have to go anywhere to play with it, it'll just be there, waiting for me to kiss the little cheeks and sing it show tunes (I'll be doing this whether it's a boy or girl...).

So read y sisters blog, and hopefully is she gets some traffic she'll start to update regularly. Because I want to read her stuff too.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

dirty... and clean

I live with people, and in the process of that living, sometimes things get overlooked. The other night after dinner I loaded a few things into the dishwasher, but I didn't run it because it wasn't even half full.

 I like to make up for the fact that I take 15-20 minutes showers (every other day) by not blatantly wasting water in other ways.

So yesterday when I got home I was standing in the kitchen eating Doritos (forgot how freaking good those things are) and the topic of running a dish washer cleaner solution through the empty dishwasher came up. Then my sister started to unload the dirty dishes, so I stopped her. You know, because they were dirty.

Living with people is a challenge because there are ways to do thing efficiently, and there are ways to do things not efficiently. Here is my craft I made today (yes, at work) to help with knowing whats clean, and whats not.

I put these each on a big magnet, so when they are clean, we can put the clean one on the dishwasher, and then vice verse for the dirty.

Look at me! The little problem solver :)

Both these photos I got from and then just added the words. I did it in paint, not very high tech or difficult. They are cute though, and have made me happy.

You should check the site out if you ever want to use a photo. It makes me feel better when I don't steal from the people on the interweb.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Denise and God

My mother is one of those people who sees God in everything... Maybe it's because she reads her bible every day and is constantly reminded of it, but no matter. She sees opportunity to learn and grow in her faith every day. I'm not calling my mother a devout Christian, I'm not saying she is better than whatever or whoever because she talks about God every 15 to 20 minutes; because in all honesty I think she is sort of hypocritical because shes a lotta talk... But, I just wanted to start off by saying I will talk about normal things happening in my life with my mother and it will normally turn into a religion lesson.

I love God, I believe he created the earth. But I do not believe like my mother does, because, well, I just don't. I fell in love with a gay man, and that was the first thing that made me question aspects of the faith I grew up with. I believe God made and loves each and every one of us the exact way we were made. I believe that He knew we'd sin but I also believe that the way He created us He intended for us to be curious.

Once again I will talk about Adam and Eve by mark Twain:Imagine not knowing about anything till you see it, experience it. Imagine seeing something, then knowing what it is, but not before. Not even knowing it's exists before, let alone what it is. Imagine you're an adult, fully developed with cognitive reasoning skills but having only seen (therefore being aware of) a minute amount of physical exposures. Imagine that the first time you see something you learn all about it, you conduct experiments and you discover. Then one day you are told not to sin, or you'll die.

Ooo.. die. You've never heard of that, what is it? And sin? Well, you've never heard of that either. So, you do what you're not supposed to, and you do it because you want to learn. We are pretty curious, after all. God made us that way for a reason.

I'm pretty sure God knew we would sin, but he wanted us to know every joy there is to experience; and to have joy, you must have sorrow. To be able to live you must die. Makes sense, right? I don't know if he put us here with the intent of killing us... but how else would we get back to heaven? And why would we want to go there if everything was perfect here?

I believe that God loves us. I believe that if he didn't he wouldn't have cared about our experience here on earth, therefore not giving us the opportunity to be curious, and in doing so eliminating our free will, death, and pleasures of the flesh. He wouldn't have given us love, or beauty. He wouldn't have given us the ability to distinguish good from bad. He wouldn't have cared at all about how we felt or if we were happy. If God had wanted mindless drones worshiping Him without the ability to make a decision for them self He would have made just that: someone unable to chooses right from wrong, someone who wouldn't stray and then come back; someone who wouldn't have any desire to be part of something bigger than them self, someone who could care less about exploring the wonderful world set before them. But that's not what we are, and I believe that is how God intended it to be.

He gave us this beauty, and the ability to appreciate it. He gave us thrust for love and affection, so that we could experience pure bliss that only comes from loving someone else, and being loved in return. He gave us science and math, so we could understand the mastery and intricacy of his world. He gave us all of this, and we enjoy it; because that's one of his gifts to us.

Now, let me get to where I want to go. Did you know people really only have the ability to see what they've already seen. We have this amazing power of our minds

Side note: thank you radio lab for making my life complete. Check out this one if you're sort of confused by what I'm about to say, or just curious for more. What I'm about to talk about is 30 minutes or so in.

where we can change what we've seen and imagine them differently, but only to the extent of what we've already seen. It's hard to explain what I'm trying to say exactly, but It's like looking at red a car and imagining it being blue instead. We can do that because we've seen the car, and we've seen blue. Makes sense, right? Human minds are the only ones that have that capability. However, we can't imagine the car being something we've never seen. It's like imagining red when you're color blind. You can't imagine it because you've never seen it.

Remember in The Giver when Jonas first sees red, and he has no idea what it is? He is amazed to find out that the memories have elements present in his world of gray. It makes even the simplest of tasks such as getting dressed so much more complicated because there is now color to chooses from. Before the red he didn't care, but after it seemed like everything changed.

You following me?

Where I'm going with this is that we are the way we are for a reason. I believe everything was planned. I believe that God created what he did, and made us the way we are for a reason.I believe in love, and forgiveness. I believe that no matter who you are you can do good things, and you can do them well. I believe that no one should be ashamed of who they are, because that's how they were made, for a reason, by the big guy upstairs.

A while ago I was having a convo with David about how Adam and Eve was an unrealistic idea because of cells. They need nutrients to reproduce, and matter doesn't come from no where so they had to consume food in order to live, reproduce, and keep making more people. It's a scientific impossibility that something comes from nothing (as in more people, not the ones God created). Well this guy seems to prove that theory all wrong. Read the article, see for yourself.

It's mighty strange, but it does put a boost in my faith. Which is always a good thing.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

a thought, some books, and texting

Talking about David makes me feel like shit. I apologise, it's just that no other word really fit in describing how I feel every time I think about him, and how I feel so much worse when that thought forms words that somehow make it to my mouth without me being able to stop them...

David is my friend, no matter what. And although we are no longer dating, I still have really strong feelings for him. Knowing that those feelings aren't reciprocated sucks.

So he and I are friends, and we hang out and do things and have lots of fun. This is not me living in a fantasy world, it's true. He and I have fun when were together, still. And when you are friends with someone you talk about them sometimes, right?

Well, every time I do I feel like the room gets quiet and people just kind of look at me and pity me. They feel bad that I still love him, and then it reminds me that I still love him and I feel like crap because I just talked about him. I think about him way to often for it to be healthy, and I feel like I can't help it. Almost everything reminds me of him, and if it doesn't make me sad, the thought of how I can't really rationalize calling/texting him the 15 times a day I think of something funny I'd like to share with him for fear of shaming myself into nonexistence (although nonexistence sometimes seems like a nice idea, if it could only be temporary) does make me sad. So then I'm sad, and I can't talk about him or to him and it sometimes feels like I'm not getting any better.

So I want to talk about Something that is wonderful, but it involves David; so I'm a little hesitant to do so. Even though I know you blog people can't really look at me while you read this, I feel like I can see your stares.

After my post about my hatred of "the man" involving the raising of the Sookie Stackhouse books David texted* me to say he has them all, in and will give them to me! I almost bought them this morning while shopping for my fathers day gift (Amazon seriously screws me over with the suggestions, I want everything). Fortunately I didn't buy it, I just saved it in my cart till later. Now, well soon, I'll have all the books. I can have them all with me for my vacation if I don't read them all by then, which I will try my hardest not to do.

side note: VACATION!!! So excited.

Not sure where we're going yet, I just know we're planning a beach, probably in SC. I like to imagine myself being drunk all day on the beach and having a vacation fling who wears pants that are far too tight. One sexy boy for me and one for Bobby!

I feel dumb, because David has made me so happy giving me theses books (I'm not pathetic, I just love reading). And when I think about telling people how happy I am, and where this happiness comes from I am afraid of the looks I will get. I'm afraid to feel stupid for letting David make me happy. But why should I? Why should I be ashamed of the fact that David and I broke up unconventionally and aren't angry at each other? We aren't, we're not even fighting at all. We didn't brake up because we hate each other, we broke up because we didn't want to start hating each other. We broke up to work on our relationship. And although he isn't interested in loving me like that anymore (or right now), he is interested in keeping me in his life. We are positive parts of each others life's, and although I get sad sometimes, I don't hate him. Why should I? I just miss his love, that's really all I'm not getting anymore.

* about the word "texted"... How do you pronounce it? I pronounce it tex-d not text-ed. Text-ed sounds illiterate to me. I legitimize it like this: banish/banished (not banish-ed). This isn't iambic-pentameter, we're not poets. I will never say text-ed, even if it becomes part of the dictionary. Just thought I'd put that out there, it annoys me when people say it, so so much.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I don't like coconut

I don't like coconuts, there I said it.

I don't know what it is, but they really just don't taste good to me.

Two years in a row David came back from vacation with a legit coconut, filled with rum, and probably illegal; which we drank it in shots. Then he tried to get me to eat some of the eatable part (meat?); and you know what?

Even though I was half drunk (which means I was on my way to having inactive taste buds) I still didn't like it. At all. Coconuts are gross.

See how yummy this looks? Don't be fooled, it's awful.
If you're not aware, I believe in eating food, even if you think you don't like it, just because taste buds change. And through this experimenting with food I have found that I can handle a jalapeno, I can eat other spicy things (like the hot salsa at El Camp, and horseradish) and not have my gums fall off; I enjoy tomatoes so much I don't really eat sandwiches without them anymore, and coconut is still not delicious.

It's sad really, because everything served with coconut looks yummy, and it usually smells good too. But then I take a bite, and I think to myself, "Hmm, well, it's still not good, not even just a little..." and then I hand the half bitten thing to someone who likes it. Usually my mom, she doesn't care that I give her something half eaten, She is a good mother.

Did I mention I'm in my early twenties? No? Well I am, and I still expect my mother to eat the gross things I don't want to.

I really am saddened by this lack of any positive feeling for coconut, because today I found a recipe that had coconut in it, and it looked really good. Then I remembered I don't like coconut, and feel that it ruins dishes that could have otherwise been quite yummy. And I came to my blog to vent about my disappointment in the world.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

so pissed!

So in an effort to save myself a few dollars (I'm going on vacation at the end of JULY!!!) I decided to put off buying all 8 books in the Sookie Stackhouse series

Note: the series True Blood, otherwise known as my life force, is based on 

for 33ish dollars for my Kindle and decided to wait to make sure I wanted them and only bought the first book and had it sent to my house. The old fashioned way, like Vampire Bill. :)

Now, on my lunch break today I started reading it,and you know what? I love it. Like oober love it. Like more than the shows, can't wait to get to the dirty, sexy, vampire/dog people/insanity that is true blood scenes love it. I once spent about $23 dollars to have the True Blood soda shipped to my house, I watched a whole first season in less than a week and wanted more. I love it so gosh darn much, reading the books was bound to excite me. 

And today, after my lunch break of blissful reading I went on Amazon only to find that the price has jumped over $20, it's now $56... So angry!!!!!!!

I might as well buy it in paper back, it's cheaper ($36) , and books don't run out of batteries. Or stop working when they get wet. Although a Kindle is easier to clean if you get crumbs in it, since I can't really read all day long without stuffing something into my mouth.  

This Picture is so sexy I can't handle it.
God I love True Blood.