Monday, January 31, 2011

orange jello

I think all my creative writing skills fell out of my brain this morning when I was lying in bed fighting with my will before I actually got out of bed about twenty minutes before I had to leave the house. Creative writing, why hast thou left me?

Since January first I've lost ten and a half pounds. I am becoming a whore for the gym. I go with Merry and I've gone a few times with my little sister, but I go alone too and I really enjoy it. Thirty minutes on an elliptical, walk a few times around the track, go home. I feel amazing after and I sleep so well. When Merry and I go I usually do a lot more, but it's just something nice to do that makes me feel good and look better. I think I'm going to plan on swimming once a week soon; I love to swim, and it works all your muscles and is fun. However, walking out into the frigid 14 degree weather with wet hair doesn't sound that appealing to me. Yes, I've heard for hair dryers, no I have no desire to use one more than once a day.

I need to do laundry so bad. I hate laundry... more than anything else I hate laundry. I am the girl that buys new clothes instead of washing what she has. I am not ashamed of that.

My little sister wants to learn to cook. I am pleased that I not only taught her to drive (sort of) but now will be teaching her to cook. Cooking is one of my favorite things. I'd teach anyone who wanted to learn.

Ellen being gone is starting to hit me hard. I am getting used to her absence, but my heart still aches. Last night I dreamt she and Andi both died one day apart. It was the worst dream I've had in a while. I woke up crying at least three times because every time I would fall back asleep I'd be right back in the dream and the grief was insurmountable. I used to have nightmares a lot, it was one of the things I talked to my therapist about often... since I've been less crazy I haven't really had anything that unsettling. I hope this isn't coming back. I really don't think I could live in fear of sleeping again.

Today I get to leave work early to go babysit. This is awesome for two reasons: I get to leave early and I get to be paid twice. I didn't tell my boss I was leaving and he is rarely ever here so we're good.

I like Tom. Like really like him. I could go on but I won't. Saturday night we got drunk and talked about things and watched The Never Ending Story. I also made him a chocolate cake. If you make a guy a chocolate cake and he doesn't put out you're doing something wrong.

Just like if you buy a girl something shiny. Please don't ask why girls like shiny things... it doesn't even make sense to us. But, walk us past jewelry and I bet 90% will look, and the other 9.86% will want to. (I do allow room for the occasional girl who doesn't like jewelry)

Anyways, I really like him for reasons I won't mention because he happened to find my blog and I don't want him reading this and getting a bigger head than he already has. It's weird dating someone I actually knew prior to our first date. the internet dating things has basically changed the way I look at dating. This normal way most people do it will take a little getting used to.

I may have sort of decided to pull myself off match dot com for this guy. I canceled my two dates last week... (and that guy from Fridays post was a tool. He kept sending me pictures of himself doing every day tasks... why would I want that?) This is a weird decision. Men from the internet make sense to me, I expect less and know that more likely than not they are probably at least a little bit crazy. Real life men are the ones that are over my head. Tom is proving to be interesting to say the least. And he's hilarious. And so so cute. *swoon*

While I pick my tongue off the floor and try to stop drooling let me fill you in on other fantastic things that are happening. I found my new favorite band of the moment. They are called Mumford & Sons. Look them up. You won't be disappointed.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

not exactly the way to my heart

I got asked out today by a fellow match dot com-er who I have officially been talking to for, wait for it...

One day.

He emailed me this morning asking for my phone number, I emailed him back giving it to him and we've been texting for approximately and hour and a half...

5 texts later he asked me to dinner.

Naturally I accepted. I love dinner.

But here is where he rubbed me wrong:

him: Do you have class or work today? (I'm re-reading your profile now)

What he actually means by re-reading is reading. For the first time. Because he admitted in his original email that he had just skimmed my profile.

me: I'm not in school right now because I originally started out studying music Education and decided two years in, it wasn't for me. Now I'm ready to go back and will be studying nursing starting in May but I won't know if I'm accepted into the program (30 people per session get accepted) till March but because I'm brilliant I should have no problem. That and my good looks.

him: Intelligence idk yet. But looks I agree :-)

First of all, I hate IDK, just like I hate BTW and people (my sister, the English teacher) who say them out loud. Secondly, please do not tell me you're finally re-reading my profile after asking me for my number, then tell me you think I'm hot but you don't think I'm smart.

I'm very smart. I try not to be annoyingly smart when I talk to people because no one wants to hear about statistics and facts about the brain over a few cocktails even though that's all I'm thinking about. If a guy doesn't appreciate me for my brain it doesn't matter how cute he thinks I am.

I've never dated a guy before who wanted me to be his arm candy (mostly because I'm mildly to moderately outspoken and usually say something inappropriate because it's hilarious and I like to make people squirm). I will never be any ones arm candy. I may have arm candy in the future when I am a billionaire from writing a book or singing something really well, or possibly this blog gets as famous as the pioneer woman's or something... but arm candy is such a waste of time.

I've never slept with someone more than once that I found to be anything less than intelligent and hilarious.

I have two standards. You must be smart and you must be funny.

 If I get to choose you'll have glasses and be over 6ft tall.

If I really really get to choose you'll have dark hair and green eyes so we can make little baby clones of ourselves.

Basically all I ask is that you like me for the reasons I like me. And don't downplay how important my intelligence is. I'm not looking for a guy who doesn't value my opinions and input.

 And never say IDK... ugh.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

why I think everyone should see a therapist

Life is hard.

Really really hard, every single day. And going it alone makes it harder.

Not that you may actually be alone, but you may feel alone. And if you're feeling alone, or overwhelmed, or under appreciated or over worked you may not be able to talk to the people in your life that are causing you to feel this way.

And having someone to talk to about these things, free from judgement or outside opinions, things seem better. You can deal with them easier if you have a way to talk through them, over and over again, out loud. You discover things about yourself and your life that you didn't realize before may have been affecting you. You see where things started. You come up with solutions to problems and have someone who generally cares about your happiness and well being sitting with you every step of the way.

You can cry, get angry, laugh, share stories or opinions and someone just listens and lets you. You don't get interrupted or pushed aside. For one whole hour it's all about you and what you're going through and your feelings and impressions about those things. All of those things.

Talk about your relationship with your mother, how annoying she is, how much you love and miss her, how you're afraid you're becoming her... Talk about school, work, stress, anxiety, depression, money, sex, match dot com, your secret lesbian fantasies, anything at all that's on your mind. Talk about sleep, dreams, your pooping schedule (yes, I do talk about this. It's important to me), your favorite things, things you don't do enough, your life plans, your friends that make you happy, your friends that don't. Talk about any and everything, over and over again till your brain can get around it and everything makes sense. And, if that takes a million sessions and a million hours of the same thing that's okay, because that's why you're there. To figure everything out.

Emotions, feelings about yourself and how others see you, feelings about how you see you, moments in your life where you feel crazy or hurt, anything at all. I'm serious. One in five adults has a diagnosable mental illness (and if you don't know one you probably are one...). Why fight something you don't have to? Why suffer if there is someone there to help? Why live your life miserable when happiness is just a pill (or two) away?

My argument probably could go without that last sentence, but really; my anti-anxiety meds have made such a huge difference in almost every aspect of my life (note: including my poo, but we won't go there... again). I feel different and I see things differently and I am able to get my head around my problems before any situation gets out of hand (usually, sometimes I need a few minutes).

More than anything, a therapist helps you reconnect with the person inside you that's having a hard time dealing with your life and isn't coming out anymore. It helps you find who you're supposed to be, because you need to be that person again. You need to get yourself past all the outside things causing you to hide from the pain, the stress, the money issues, the loneliness, your unresolved parental issues, your unresolved body image issues, any sad thing in your life you've been unable to deal with because you just have so much on your plate. Therapists get that. They get where you're coming from and want you to be and feel and live better than you are currently.

Everyone needs someone who is completely objective to talk to about any and everything. It makes the world a much better place to be.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Monday, January 24, 2011

payin it forward

I'm am literally sweating my balls off this morning which is a nice change from freezing them off all weekend. The heat, I love it. It's a whole 7 degrees outside right now and since my room mate is a lazy bitch he left my first ever jug o' wine outside because he didn't want to walk to the garage refrigerator (it was too large to fit in the house fridge) and now it's frozen.

*very very sad face*

Not that it really matters; I'm at work right now and shouldn't be drinking anyways. It's just the principal here people. Wine is big kid juice, it still has parts of it that freeze, don't leave it outside in 3 degree weather.

Stuff on the internet (note: where all my friends live) has been goin' down! Heard of this?

Pay it Forward 2011: I promise to send something handmade to the first 5 people who leave a comment. They must in turn post this and send something they made to the first 5 people who comment. The rules are that it must be handmade by you and it must be sent to your 5 people sometime in 2011.

I have currently been one of the first five commenter's twice... I don't know if that means I need to post this twice or if I should just stick with five people. Maybe after I get the first batch done I will do a second one. No promises though.

So, if you think you can handle something hand/home made from this girl please try to be the first five to comment, then send me your email (it's under email me in the Contact Me tab) and we'll discuss what you think you'd want. I've got a few ideas.

Lets start this week off right!

because I can, this is my sister and the Odin.

Friday, January 21, 2011

people just want to connect

Today is one of those rare days at work when I am alone. My aunt slash coworker is out of the office so I get to wear jeans, fart loudly when I want to, and have the radio on to music that she doesn't listen to (note: NPR).

It also means I'm lonely. She and I don't spend the whole day talking, that would be annoying, but we do talk a lot. I've been texting the crap out of people and decided today that I'd talk to every single policy holder that came in and I had something to talk to them about.

Social experiment: connecting, with anyone

Recently a fellow blogger posted a 9 item list about why you should connect with the girl (woman...? am I old enough to be a woman?) next to you. And most of the reasons made sense. People just want to feel remembered, people want to feel worth remembering. People want to feel like they are a part of something positive. If you can give those feelings to someone, and get the same warmth from mutual connectedness, why wouldn't you?

The first woman I talked to about a flower shop business she'd recently taken over. I asked her how things were going and her response was a smile followed by exclaiming that I'd remembered. We talked for a few minutes about that, then she asked me about my drive up here because I work 35 minutes from home and I told her about how I live on a culdesac and they always plow my driveway in and I have to deal with that but once I'm on the main road it's usually fine. She left smiling and I stayed feeling really good about myself because I'd talked to someone and made someone else happy.

The next person came in and we talked about what he wanted and I gave him some professional advice. I love that I can honestly say I give people professional advice. And, after we got all his stuff handled and I convinced him to do what he should do (which is get his car fixed at this awesome shop because his deductible won't go up just because it's more expensive and he'd be so much happier with the work) we talked about what he does for a living and he has a side job of making DVD's for people (which is totally illegal but who cares) and he gave me a list of the ones he has. I have yet to look at it but I might buy one just because it would again be extending emotions out to people and that's my goal here. He left happy, I stayed here happy.

That's really all the further I've gotten today with real life people. The people I've been texting/emailing I can also tell enjoyed my conversations but I already knew them and they don't really fit into my social experiment. I'm going to the gym tonight after work and maybe I'll talk to someone there too. Last night Merry took me to her gym so we would work out together and however gay it sounds... I seriously had so much fun. I am really enjoying getting to know her better. Her older sister was one of my best friends in High school so I've known her for a while but we never really got to know each other well. I'm seeing so much of me in her it's scary sometimes... but that's the best. When you can just be friends with someone and it's easy. I love easy relationships. Ones that just happen. Having her as a work out buddy is going to make this weight loss thing totally do-able (like yo mama).

Are "your mama" jokes out?

Did I ever know what was in?

Do I even care?

Complaining about being lonely and then doing nothing about it was pathetic. I'm really trying to reach out and in return I'm getting great feed back and feeling better about everything. Tonight me and 4 girl friends are going to karaoke and drinking till we find the most mundane things hilarious, which in itself is hilarious. Girl friends are why God invented women. I'm sure of it.

Look at my nephews noodley hand! I love how
mini he is. He's my one true love.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

remind me again why I need a man

I've had an interesting thing going for the past year and a half or so with David... and by interesting I mean not exactly how I ever saw myself treating a relationship.

I never wanted to be the girl who waited around, or the girl who knew the guy she'd just broken up with was the one and was absolutely positive he was just delusional and would come around soon. I didn't want to have to justify his behavior, I didn't want my mother to not like him because of how he treats me, I didn't ever want to become so depressed that I needed a therapist, and drugs. I never saw myself wondering every single time I saw him if he'd fall in love with me again, and I never expected to be in love with someone who was putting up a wall keeping his feelings for me in because he didn't understand them or know how to deal with them.

I wanted someone who loved me, and never worried what that meant. I wanted a guy who my mother liked because she saw how happy I was. I wanted someone who supported me and helped me make my decisions. I wanted to know I was loved, and that no matter what happened, I'd always be loved.

I'm 22, I've got time. I'm not in a rush to find a guy who fits the bill (oh, and left handed, not sure why but I love the lefties) I just need to make sure that I don't let myself slip back into that things I was with David.

I want his friendship, but no more. And I want him to view me as a friend. I think that no matter how stressed this time apart has made me (and I'm doing better, I do have a lot of friends, I was just so codependent on him for so long it seemed like and entire half of me was cut off when he decided he couldn't keep having me for all of his emotional support) it'll show me exactly why I originally decided to only want to be his friend in the first place months ago.

I set down rules about how we were to act, and they got broken (guilty, but so was he). Then they got broken again. It sucked because every time I tried to put my foot down about what I wanted from him he disregarded my wishes. I should have seen this as disrespect a long time ago. Now, when he finally decided he wants what I've been asking for all along his word is final. I don't ever want to be with someone who doesn't respect me, and who treats my wishes as though they matter less than his own.

I've started hanging out with and talking to more people than I did before. I have always had lots of people I got along with, it's just hard to get together as often as I like to see people with everyone being grown up and either in school, working, or both. It's hard to find a best friend... most people already have one. But, it's not hard to find people to reconnect with. Ellen and I now get to see each others faces again and it just reinforces my feelings of deep passionate girl love for her. I've been seeing a new gent and I'm still not ready to talk about it, but he's not from match dot com and I really like him.

At this point we've only had three dates and I won't mention how slutty I've been... but, he is an amazing kisser. Real hands on. If it weren't for the fact that I play a quasi slutty girl in the movie of my life I'd kiss him for hours. He is also a really great to snuggle with. And left handed. And he admittedly likes musicals and reading. The only problem is his bed only has two pillows. Whose bed only has two pillows?

Enough of that, I'm not talking about it. I don't want to jinks it.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

my best friend is beautiful

I hope she doesn't kill me for this, it was too funny not to post. Now that I have a web cam and am all trendy and shit she an I have skyped twice.

Like I thought it would be, it's slightly awkward, but I love her so I'm pushing through. Seeing her face has significantly improved my life.

Also, I made her take me on a tour of her room and she held me up to the mirror. I got to see my face in Geneva! I was there, in Switzerland! Ka-razy, I know.

Basically this is a cop out post to show you that I'm cool and modern with the internet and stuff. I am also trying to avoid talking about my personal life for a while because I have some good (really good) things I'm not quite ready to reveal and I've been posting too much drama lately. Too much. I don't want to read that crap, so I won't write it anymore.

So, if you have a skype and want to be internet savvy with me just ask and I'll send you my name!  We'll be like real life friends since we basically already know everything about each other and will have heard each others voices! Maybe I'll even do a video blog or something.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

THE book

A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

There are few things I love more than reading. And, some days I love nothing more than reading. So many books make up a part of who I am because as i read them I change... I think that's the best part about a novel. By learning what the characters leaned in the same way and time the characters learned them, you become a better person. The lesson was real to you because you were there every step of the journey.

I'm going to talk about three books, that taught me three different things.

1. Harry Potter

Harry Potter changed my views on reading. Before I discovered Harry, I hated reading. My parents made me read out loud to them on an almost daily basis to make sure I was doing it. I was one of those painfully sad ignorant people who made fun of the book nerds.

*I'm sorry book nerds*

Once I discovered that I just didn't really enjoy boring books (such as children's books about babysitters and clubs) and I did wait till the 4th book was out to start reading them, which is where it switched from children's to more young adult style, I was out and in the world of reading like it was my job. I plowed through them because I love it. There was no other explanation than my life was changed for the better, by Harry Potter.

2. The Lovely Bones

The Lovely Bones changed my views on death. I'm not exactly scared of death more or less than anyone. I feel like I have a regular sense of curiosity that comes from wondering what, if anything, lies beyond. But The Lovely Bones made me feel really peaceful with the idea of what could happen.

The girl was raped and murdered, she had one of the most horrific deaths imaginable because we saw not only how she died, but her killers life and her families lives for years and years. But, this book, this story, makes it okay. It makes everything okay. It shows that no matter what, you'll get past it. And even though time may heal the wounds, sometimes it wakes a really long time. But that's okay, because you really will find a way as long as you keep trying.

3. A Tale of Two Cities

This book changed my views on love, war, and classical literature. I loved this book. I will be reading it again shortly because I really want to and it's still winter. I think the best time to read classic novels is in the winter. You can't really dive into a tougher book while you're listening to kids screaming and playing in the pool, or birds chirping calling you to come play. And, by you I mean I. I need to be snuggled up, drinking coco, or coffee, or tea. I need to have soup breaks and take a hot shower to clear my mind. This book is intense, and intensely beautiful. There is nothing more loving than self sacrifice, and there are so many people willing to give up things for the ones they love.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I want to thank you. Not for putting me in my place, because you didn't, but 1) for finally commenting. and 2) for pointing out the things I've omitted from my blog over the last 6 months.

I haven't been clear about mine and Davids relationship because I'm sort of embarrassed by what it is (was?) and his mother sometimes reads this blog. David rarely does, he's too busy with his techie sites that update every five minutes to read this. Plus, since I talk to him on almost a daily basis, he basically knows everything that goes on here.

David and I have been really really close since we broke up, and since I've started therapy our relationship started to flourish. As friends of course. He didn't want that with me and I respected his wishes.

However, I do mean flourished. We spent the night together about five nights a week because we both love sleeping in the same bed as the other... at night, that was the only time we held hands. Sometimes we would kiss each other on the cheek or forehead, but that'd be it. No more. We were friends. Only.

Emotionally, we were attached at the kidney. I told him everything, he told me everything. We were basically in a relationship (his words, not mine) without actually being in a relationship. We said, "I love you" all the time, and there really were no boundaries (except sex).

When you're connected to someone like that it's hard to not feel love for them, I don't think I was being crazy.

As far as me not wanting him to date anyone verses this particular girl... I'm going to keep this as simple as possible because it's not my place to air others dirty laundry. It was not just because he was seeing someone. David has been on a date since we broke up, unfortunately the girl was seeing someone and he hadn't realize it so it just turned into a hang out. But, before I knew that I was still happy for him. I want David to see people. But, the way he and this girl started out was not good.

It was at a party that he and I had thrown together and invited her to. After I went to bed (in Davids bed, per usual, waiting for him to come)  she sent him a text asking him to fool around. She and I were friends, we met through mutual friends and hung out a few times... I did consider a friend. That was not cool. That was what upset me most. There are right ways and wrong ways to do things, that was shady, underhanded, and disrespectful. I have a right to be hurt by someone disrespecting me.

Finally, David admitted to me that the main reason he went out with her the second time was because he was so angry with me. He did it to spite me and hurt my feelings. He did it because he knew it was a good way to get those things done. Now, he's trying to fix it. He's trying to earn my trust back and treat me like I deserve to be treated. David broke up with me because the depression was causing me to be distant and a push over. Now that I'm getting better and standing up for myself he doesn't know how to deal with things. That, however is not my problem.

I hope I have cleared things up for you Anonymous, because I really do like having readers who comment even if they don't agree with everything I say or do.


If you're confused as to why I'm writing this please click here and read the comments

Friday, January 14, 2011

Lets end this week on a positive note

There is nothing better than having one of the worst days in your life then waking up the next morning and without really trying everything is a little better.

Sleep helps. Alcohol also helps. I may have found the only drink I'll ever need last night. It was called a POM Sake Martini from Ruby Tuesdays. I have been searching the net all morning for how to make it with little success. I may have to just go back and flirt with the bartender till they tell me how to make it. It was so good.

Oddly it had a really comforting smell. The smell may have been why I loved it so much. I started out by saying it reminded me of my childhood... then realized that saying booze reminded me of my youth was a little weird. Then I said it reminded me of my Dad, which was also awkward. However, since I can't think of anything else, and it really does remind me of my Dad and my childhood while simultaneously being delicious and smooth, this is my new favorite drink and I will tell people why I love it.

Yesterday I found out that my friend who David had made out with on new years was hanging out with him again. I thought this was great because David needs friends and she is an awesome girl. However, I then discovered that they had actually been on a date, after I explicitly asked them both not to and explained why I felt the way I did about the situation  and they both said they wouldn't.

 I was so upset. How could he do that to me? How could she do that to me?

Asking David not to date my friends is one thing. It's too close to home, and the way these two got together is infuriating because it was right behind my back and very shady... but I feel like having to ask my friends not to date David should be unnecessary. I shouldn't have had to ask her not to in the first place, let alone again.

I don't want to seem like a crazy territorial bitch pissing all over the place to ensure that no one trespasses on my property, David is not my property. My friends are not my property either. But where did the bro code go? Where did not dating your friends ex's go? Where did doing things you feel guilty about... then doing them again become okay behavior?

I don't know, and obviously not everyone thinks the same way I do, but I do think that it's a little ridiculous. I'm just frustrated by the whole thing, that's all.

It's over, hopefully for the last time. David said he wouldn't see her in a romantic setting again.

I don't like this part of my personality; the jealous, green part. I don't like having all these feelings I can't rationalize... except, with this I have rationalized them. You can't be my friend and date David. End of story. My heart couldn't take it. I don't think it's that much to ask.

But, it is the green monster... and I am the meat it mockingly feeds on.

Good news is I actually do feel better today. I went out last night and had fun. I discovered my new favorite drink ever. I potentially have a woman date with my gal pal Merry, and I've been texting Adrienne all morning. Ellen emailed me and it's almost like a drug how much that lifts my spirits. My massage is tomorrow and let's all just try to relax till then so it can do the most good.

Hope your weekends are all exactly what you need them to be.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

therapy thy name is blog

Something or Someone you definitely could live without.

My life is full of crap I'd like to get rid of, my messy mother still living with me after nearly three months, my bee eff eff for life traveling the world (I wish she would travel the world, fo realz... I just miss her *sad face*), my inability to digest milk... and what the glass I had for breakfast is doing to me (and my office) right now. It's just, you know, indecision again. Do I really want to get rid of those things?

I wish my mother would go home where she belongs, but I don't want her out of my life. She's one of the few people out there who talks to me even though I'm a neurotic bitch sometimes. She cleaned off my car yesterday morning before work and I yelled at her for coming in my room while I was mostly naked. I didn't even say thank you. Sometimes I'm horrible.

I just textd her, I feel better now.

I want Ellen to be in my arms, so I can share my lactose intolerance with her... kidding, (yea right, what fun is gas if you can't share it with someone dear to your heart?) But, I know how meaningful this trip is going to be for her, plus it'll get easier in a few weeks when we both get a hold of our lives without each other. I have a feeling (more than a feeling... more than a feeling...) something great is going to happen to her while she's over there. So, obviously that's not what I'm going to choose either.

I think I'm going to go with something; someone seems to harsh.

I shall not banish anyone from this point forward, lest I be banished for karma's sake.

I am borrowing from someone I know's answer because she borrowed my new years goal... whatever, originality died with Mark Twain.

Sadness, but not in the sense that I want it to go away, I'm a firm believer in balance and that without sadness there would be no joy; for how is one described but in opposition to the other?

I'm feeling like my writing style is bordering old timey today... bear with me, it's just how it comes out. You should be glad I don't censor.

There is a lovely quote by someone and it sort of goes like this:

-Only when one has been in the deepest pits of despair can he truly know joy.

Sorry I don't know anything today, but I do know I either read or heard it somewhere. That's the truth.

Basically, I know I could do without it for a while because I've been feeling it for so long. Depression hit me hard about a year ago, but I'd been slipping slowly for almost a year before that. Now I may be on the uphill battle out, but I'm in no way in the clear. Every day is a battle of me fighting against my thoughts, I have to work so hard not to bash myself up about the silliest things. When I feel like I'm slipping I slip more because I'm so afraid to be that girl again.

The girl who won't go out because she's afraid she won't know anyone or have a good time, so she stays in, crying on the living room floor. The girl who won't call people because if they haven't called her... they must not want to talk to her. The girl who goes home from work every day, watches tv, then goes to bed by 8:30 because she's emotionally drained from just keeping on living for one more day. The girl who thinks about disappearing. Forever. Because life is too hard, and no one really needs her anyways.

That girl.

She's the one I fight with every day; she's there in the mirror when my clothes fit too snug or my hair won't stay put. She's the one crying when she can't figure out how to clean the kitchen because, "where do I start first?" She's the one who I see in the rear view mirror when I am driving because other people are scary... and her anxiety is pretty bad when other drivers try to kill her.

I could do without her. I know I'm better for being her... for learning how to not be her. But I'm so tired of her, so tired of every day fearing that something out of my control will push me over the edge. I wish I could rid myself of that fear, of the doubt that comes from knowing I might not be strong enough to deal with things today, of the sadness that follows the doubt, because I want to be more than I was... and I'm not all the way there yet.

LBB, hows that for using you as my therapy?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

so lonely... want to cut my eye balls out

I've had the flu, that's why you got a half assed redundant post yesterday. i should thank Ramblings again for asking me to guest post while I was well because for the last few days I've been quarantined in my room so my nephew didn't get sick and bored out of my mind. There is something to be said about someone who is too tired to sleep. I was very tired, and I slept so so much.

I miss Ellen more than my life. This shit with David has started pissing me off because it happened the same week Ellen left me to be a big world traveler... and a week before Kyle and I decided to cease physical contact... as well as other contact because he thinks, "it will be awkward, " and I think that if I need to convince anyone why they should be my friend I probably shouldn't want them in my life to begin with.

So, friendship and sexy time over.

My heart is breaking, not because of him... but because I now feel like I've got no one. Everyone is back in school which means that if they're not in class they are studying (or practicing, or observing, or student teaching) and they don't really have time for little ol' me and my dire need for human contact other than my mother who still won't go home or my older sister who isn't exactly the best person to talk to about things.

I've been whoring myself out on match dot com so hard I think my finger tips are raw... and if that doesn't make you hot in the pants I don't know what will. I've already read two books this week, and for me that's a lot. And I mean week as in the last seven days, not this week starting Sunday. I'm not insane...

Although, I skipped my therapy session today because the weather sucked so bad and I didn't realize it and left my house too late. Good news is the therapist was late too, so when I called after having been driving for 20 minutes and only going  4 miles and canceled I don't think I'll be charged. Not that it matters, the hospital just writes it off anyways. But, because I missed that I may actually be insane and we just don't know it yet.

This is what the roads looked like, no shame
 because I was going an average of 8 miles and hour.

I'm desperately lonely, does that count?

Also, I think this car looks like it has a butt hole.


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

go read me there

Ramblings of a Singleton
Guess what I'm doing again???
Guest blogger! Ramblings of a Singleton is doing a theme of resolutions, and... since you love me so so much, why not head over there and read about mine.
If you're not a reader of ramblings you really should be, single or not. It's mostly a compilation of guest bloggers who talk about a certain weekly subject giving incite into the world of dating, singledom, even relationship advice... for those of us who may or may not be relationship challenged. Unique approaches to the crap people deal with every day, it's a great way to get unique perspectives on things you didn't even realize other people saw in a different way.
Go forth, read.

Friday, January 7, 2011

the best thing that's happened to me all year

I have two therapists now that I see every other week.

One is a psychologist... or talkey doctorate type person who is not a medical doctor, and the other is a psychiatrist- talkey type who is also a medical doctor and can write me prescriptions.

This has little to do with the awesome thing that happened, it just will sort of paint a picture for you. My psychologist and I are working on my stress... and how to control it, see when it's coming, not freak the fuck out, and basically she helps me talk through things that I can change in my life and we make plans on how to change them.

I set little goals for each week for myself and the thing that has been stressing me out majorly for the last few months is my nursing entrance exam... see, I am smart, but I hate studying. So smart that I actually rarely need to study because if I pay attention in class (which I do) and take good notes (which I also do) I can basically breeze through any subject. Except maybe Latin, I should have studied more for Latin.

So, my goal I set for before Christmas was to study for this freaking test and if I passed I'd reward myself with a massage. The test was this morning... I probably studied for 15 minutes just to review basic math, and even though I felt like I was for sure going to fail the science part, I got one of the higher test scores of the people who are applying for the May session! That, with my 3.0 average for the University of Akron basically means I will more likely than not be going to school very soon and graduate 20 months from then with a RN degree. I'll be able to save lives and poke people with needles.

passing was a score of 58 or higher, I got a 74! With really no studying...

I can now get the massage I already purchased from groupon and since my stress load is significantly lightened by this passing of the test, I think the massage will just be perfection.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

final one, I promise

This might be the only time I ever post this many times in a week, but I've actually got things to avoid today and blogging is my solid plan to continue avoiding doing those things. Remember how I said work sucks lately...? Well, it's still sucking. Hellooooo blogger, take me away.

I've started this paragraph at least three times but they all just seem pathetic. My first attempt was talking about how lame I was last night and actually hung out with my family... then I was talking about how since I don't have people to talk with I have started listening to radiolabs in the car... see? I am glad I didn't write those things. They are pathetic.

I heard through the grape vine (Bobby) that David is still mad at me. More and more of me is thinking that it really will be for the best to just cut it off at the root. I don't need him, he's only been in my life for two years and I never needed him before that. What strange masochistic part of me thinks I'll need him after?

I had therapy again yesterday and again, it was fun. I feel weird for saying that, but my psychiatrist is way more involved in conversation that my psychologist. She's laughs at my jokes, she reacts to my stories, she asks me questions... She wants to see me every other week for a while and this excites me. I love having people to talk to, even if I'm paying them., where are you??

So, based on her brilliant medical questioning I talked my way through how exactly I'm feeling about David and where I want to be with him and what part I want him to play in my life. I divided it into three half's, because my feelings about it all are really strong, too strong to be just a third of things.

first half: I just want David to be my friend. I need him, he gets me and puts up with me and together we're hilarious. No hankey pankey, no cuddling, just the comfort and support that comes from a great friendship.

second half: I want to be his wife goddammit! I want to have me love him and he love me every day for the rest of forever. No drama because we both know what we want from the other person and we are exactly what they want/need without even trying. We live in Oregon with no children and a really great dog that I take running on the beach every morning and David and I spend the evenings cooking together and watching the stars and listening to the water.

third half: I want to move on. I want to find a man who loves me with no questions. One who looks at me and never doubts the decision he made to be with me forever. One who potentially wants kids because I potentially want them... potentially. I want to be able to feel confident in myself and in my relationship and never look back on this time and worry if it'll ever happen again, because with future mister whatever his name will be there won't have been a point where we weren't together. We're so in love, not gushy gross love, just powerful, real, deep love that not being together is out of the question. It just doesn't make any sense. I want to be allowed to feel that.

As long as I let myself I'm amazing at moving on. I keep what's good, rid myself of what isn't and find my new place in the world as I move through it. I can do this, it's just hard because I don't know what I want... and sadly it's not entirely in my control. I can choose to walk, that's really the only thing that's all me... But if I choose to stay, if I want to stay, it's not just my decision. I can't make David feel any way other than how he feels, I can't make him take down his walls and come to terms with the truth about his emotions. I don't know if that alone will make me choose to go, but it just might, I can't stand relying on anyone else to hopefully make the same decision I will.

Next post will actually be interesting, I promise.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

do better

I want to thank every single one of you for being awesome. I actually didn't expect a single comment yesterday and you guys just came though. I sometimes worry about gushy posts that are all, "I am a girl, I have emotions. Read about them," but you guys are so cool about my feelings and thoughts. I love you! *hugs*

/strange emotional girliness

A few things, Erika commented yesterday that she wanted a for friendship, and I've seriously had this thought so so many times. Erika is my blogging soul mate, she's my life twin. I can't believe she had the exact same idea I did. KA-razy! Maybe if she and I patent it we'll make millions and never have to work again. Work sucks lately.

I seriously think that if I can make it through the next few months without David then I will just move on (Casey, you do not sound like an old woman, you sound like a smart woman, and I appreciate all your advice). I don't know why I'm limiting myself with thinking he is the only guy out there who I'll ever love. I was miserable with him for so many reasons. I've been happy with what we've been for the last 5 months or so because, like I said yesterday, it's easy. Who doesn't want an easy relationship? No one, that's who. Every relationship starts out a little rough because you don't really know each other and getting used to the other persons way of doing things (sense of humor, speech patterns, if they are a bed hog or not) takes some getting used to. Since David and I'd gotten past that, it just made sense that we were somewhere easy because he put up a wall to keep his feelings about me at bay (why do guys do this?) and I am just too easy going to cause fights, unless of course menstruation and the like take over the reason centers of my brain then we're all just screwed.

Kyle and I were talking about it (he has become my new vent, he and you, my blog, shall carry me through this time of my friends absence) and after he and his fiance broke up (because she cheated on him...) they tried to stay friends but it was just too hard. So, he put up a wall and they didn't talk for nine months. Now he's "fine" -except for the huge wall and his fear of all things with a vagina- and they talk every so often. He misses her because she was his best friend, but he can't have a super close relationship with her.

I can't put up a wall. I don't know how; not to mention it's very unhealthy, emotionally. I'm all about feeling my feelings... and because of that I will have to take a different approach. Talking about it for one, and not blocking things just because they hurt. Pain doesn't necessarily make you stronger... it just hurts. But, if you choose not to feel pain you're also limiting your capacity to feel joy. The rule of actions and reactions; physics works with feelings too. All things, equal and opposite. Remember that.

I have done pretty well with my diet so far this year. My medicine has a side effect of weight gain but I've been really careful about not just eating because there is food and I can. I didn't even have any of the pies I made for Christmas. Two, home made pies including my own pie crust recipe, which I'll blog about soon for those of you who fancy pie, and I didn't even have one bite. Bobby obviously liked it because I found the empty pan in the sink and a few crumb covered plates in his room the day after I took the apple one to his house.

side note: not being there to clean up after Bobby and David will be, by far, the best part of this "exercise". I used to do way to much for those two, and now I won't be there to just clean as I walk by. I have a sort of problem when it comes to cleaning. My room, which is always a total mess (except for now because I've been a bit bored...) doesn't count. I love a clean space. It shows by the fact that I clean things as I walk by.

I'd kill for that kids metabolism. And to be 6'2... I'd rule the world if I was 6'2. So, I haven't gained weight, and I even lost a little. Not sure how much because I mostly hate scales, but I bought a sweater that was a little small and now it fits! That's how I can tell, by how things fit. I think that going on a diet slash get healthy ploy will be a great step in my real new years resolution of being happy. I'm not happy with how I look and feel. I won't be happy if I do nothing... so, I'm doing something. Not for David or any of my match dot com lovers, but for me. For my health, and for my happiness. I am actually sore from engaging in sexy time last night, my arms and my chest and my abs. I never get sore, not from sex. So, I guess that means technically I exercised yesterday too... right?

obviously I haven't made any decisions involving what I'm going to do about Kyle not wanting to date... I'll get back to you one that.

This post is already a bazillion miles long so I'll cut it here. I've been listening to some seriously interesting radio Labs about words and language, and although I can't tweet with proper spelling while I drive (whatareyougonnado?) I'm very curious to talk about it as soon as I'm done with the episode.

Happy Wednesday.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I like the dark blue

I have been changing the look of my blog every other minute for a bit now and I am sorry for that, I need to find something and just stick with it... but, I can't find a good header photo and my computer is filled with mostly pictures of recipes... and I don't think that this blog is a good place for food photos, although I do love the way this looks.

Yes, I just whored out my cooking blog. I am glad you clicked on it. :)

Anyway, if you can think of a photo that is awesome or of something that reminds you of me that I should take a picture of... holla at me yo. I'm trying to make this blog feel like home. Maybe I should use a picture of pillows, I love pillows.

I wore sweat pants this morning to work tucked into boots. And by boots I mean leopard print slipper boots with a rubber bottom that I wear outside when the ground isn't wet. The weather has been pretty chilly here, but the snow melted last week and there is no water on the ground so slippers outside are completely acceptable. I think.

I just sent the longest email of my life to Ellen. It's impressive that she left yesterday and it's been maybe 27 hours since I've seen her and I can write her a book. I do have skill in the talking area. And, since a million and one things happened last night, I feel like that is perfectly acceptable.

David and I are taking some time apart... for our sanity, and for our relationship. Whatever exactly you classify it under.

 He thinks he relies on me too much, and I agree. I think he doesn't appreciate me enough. He agrees. We both think that time apart will help us break out of this thing we are which is somewhere between dating and not. It's a really confusing place that involves spending lots of time together, one on one time, sleeping in the same bed often, saying, "I love you" on an almost daily basis, and not ever even kissing. We are basically dating, without all the hankey pankey stuff and I didn't really realize it till Kyle said it, and then David said it. It's true. We were everything for each other that a significant other would be sans the physical stuff. Emotionally, we were hooked. Are hooked. I'm obviously still hooked on him.

The most important thing that was discussed yesterday was us, the future us. He asked me where I wanted to be with him and I said that in 10 years I wanted to be married with no children living in Oregon. I want him because through internet dating and the whole 5 people I've met (and the slew of crap that I've decided not to meet) I've realized that he's perfect. We love all the same things, but also have out own interests that can keep us occupied and not too involved in the others life, we agree on almost everything from politics to religion, we have fun and it's easy. With him my heart is content, and there really doesn't seem to be someone out there who'll do it for me like David does.

attn: This does not mean I'm going to stop looking. match dot com is fun, I've met some great people, some crazies, yes, but friends too. Not every internet crush pans out to be love when you meet in person. And that's okay. I'm still looking to find love, the internet seems like the most logical place to do that still. 

I told him that whenever he started to date someone else he'd have a great time for the first few months, and then he'd realize that everything that was missing in his relationship was me. He'd see soon enough that the reason we are the way we are is because we rock hard core together and no one will do for him what I do for him. He said that no matter how true that was, he wanted to find out for himself, which I respect. I want him to be happy just like I want me to be happy, and I know that no matter what happens we'll find some way to be involved in each others lives; I think we just really need this time apart to remember why we love each other and to see that there is no reason to not be together.

He said that if it's meant to be he wants to fall back in love with me; to feel a spark again. To forget why he wants me so much and then have me remind him.

It's almost like a Nicholas Sparks novel... I hope I don't get cancer.

With Ellen in Geneva and David and I limiting our contact for a while, I'm on the market for a new best friend. Those interested may submit and application in person or online, please attach a head shot.

Requirements: laughs at my jokes. Humors me, often. Reads Harry Potter. Likes gay people. Enjoys the occasional drink. Is willing to listen to me talk about my poop.

And thinks stuff like this is hilarious and therefore sends me pictures of them .

Photo credit: my sister

Top Gear is too wonderful not to love.

Monday, January 3, 2011

yup yup yup

It's Monday, and it's a brand new year, and I am looking forward to so much more.

Over the weekend I hosted a party, which went spectacularly despite my multiple mental break downs, the fact that I started drinking at three pm and was drunk by three thirty, and a minor mishap where David and one of my friends made out while I was sleeping in his bed.

All I have to say is that my feelings were really hurt, I didn't eat for two days and sleep... well, I slept last night finally so that's all that matters.

I also told David and this friend of mine (who I really am still friends with, she's a great girl; David is just a sexy irresistible bastard who gets hotter and flirtier when mixed with the alluring booze) that they were not allowed to date.

Being in love with someone when the time isn't right and there are a lot of outside factors causing you to not be with that person is a hard cookie to chew. My friend actually said the best ting to me, she said she either hopes I'm able to move on, or that everything works out. I honestly don't think I can hope for more.

Other shit piles in my love life: Kyle, my match dot com lover, has informed me that he doesn't want to date me... he just wants to be friends with lots and lots of benefits. I haven't decided exactly what I am going to do about this because I really enjoy hanging out with him and making of the whoopie, but I met him over two months ago and we'd been talking for a whole month prior to that; I think three months is enough time fooling around to make a decision. If he's not ready to date anyone, he shouldn't have been on match dot com. I'm not here to make you less lonely, I'm here to find someone to love.

The other match dot com-er I mentioned a bit ago who was potentially wonderful, turns out to be potentially crazy and has lots of issues including a fear of abandonment, not able to take a joke (but he can sure dish them out), inability to see any given therapist for more than 2 appointments or take a prescription for more than a week, anger issues, and gets roaring drunk very often and then drives. He also loves to read, but refuses to read Harry Potter because it's "lame with magic and stuff". Obviously we aren't meant to be.

New years wasn't all bad, my older sister turned 24 yesterday and I took her and the little sister to see Chronicles of Narnia (which was awesome) and I had a blast at my party. I didn't find out about the slutty David incident till the morning, so that whole night was amazing. I woke up with three new bruises and confetti under my boob. I think that qualifies as an evening well spent.

Ellen left for her semester abroad in Geneva this morning, and I haven't cried yet but I have almost texted her three times. Not having her here is going to suck and be weird. But, good news for all of us non studying abroad types, she promised to blog about it and you can follow her here. That way we can all enjoy a country I've never been to together and stay in touch with my best friend.