Thursday, January 6, 2011

final one, I promise

This might be the only time I ever post this many times in a week, but I've actually got things to avoid today and blogging is my solid plan to continue avoiding doing those things. Remember how I said work sucks lately...? Well, it's still sucking. Hellooooo blogger, take me away.

I've started this paragraph at least three times but they all just seem pathetic. My first attempt was talking about how lame I was last night and actually hung out with my family... then I was talking about how since I don't have people to talk with I have started listening to radiolabs in the car... see? I am glad I didn't write those things. They are pathetic.

I heard through the grape vine (Bobby) that David is still mad at me. More and more of me is thinking that it really will be for the best to just cut it off at the root. I don't need him, he's only been in my life for two years and I never needed him before that. What strange masochistic part of me thinks I'll need him after?

I had therapy again yesterday and again, it was fun. I feel weird for saying that, but my psychiatrist is way more involved in conversation that my psychologist. She's laughs at my jokes, she reacts to my stories, she asks me questions... She wants to see me every other week for a while and this excites me. I love having people to talk to, even if I'm paying them., where are you??

So, based on her brilliant medical questioning I talked my way through how exactly I'm feeling about David and where I want to be with him and what part I want him to play in my life. I divided it into three half's, because my feelings about it all are really strong, too strong to be just a third of things.

first half: I just want David to be my friend. I need him, he gets me and puts up with me and together we're hilarious. No hankey pankey, no cuddling, just the comfort and support that comes from a great friendship.

second half: I want to be his wife goddammit! I want to have me love him and he love me every day for the rest of forever. No drama because we both know what we want from the other person and we are exactly what they want/need without even trying. We live in Oregon with no children and a really great dog that I take running on the beach every morning and David and I spend the evenings cooking together and watching the stars and listening to the water.

third half: I want to move on. I want to find a man who loves me with no questions. One who looks at me and never doubts the decision he made to be with me forever. One who potentially wants kids because I potentially want them... potentially. I want to be able to feel confident in myself and in my relationship and never look back on this time and worry if it'll ever happen again, because with future mister whatever his name will be there won't have been a point where we weren't together. We're so in love, not gushy gross love, just powerful, real, deep love that not being together is out of the question. It just doesn't make any sense. I want to be allowed to feel that.

As long as I let myself I'm amazing at moving on. I keep what's good, rid myself of what isn't and find my new place in the world as I move through it. I can do this, it's just hard because I don't know what I want... and sadly it's not entirely in my control. I can choose to walk, that's really the only thing that's all me... But if I choose to stay, if I want to stay, it's not just my decision. I can't make David feel any way other than how he feels, I can't make him take down his walls and come to terms with the truth about his emotions. I don't know if that alone will make me choose to go, but it just might, I can't stand relying on anyone else to hopefully make the same decision I will.

Next post will actually be interesting, I promise.


  1. Aww.. I am sorry that you are so upset over all the stuff with David- but it looks like she really has made you come to terms with all the different ways you are feeling!

    I have a feeling that you know what you need to do, but you just don't want to be lonely. 1 is in fact the loneliest number!

    Thank god the weekend is almost here, my job blows!


  2. Its great that you are able to break down how you are feeling about everything. I have a hard time doing things like that. I will randomly feel hopeless/upset but won't be able to understand exactly why. i should probably go to therapy.

  3. Gah. I know just how this feels, to be confused about what you want with someone. It's utterly heart wrenching. I hope you figure it out, because I know I sure as hell haven't : (

  4. I'm glad you're enjoying therapy so much. Not gonna lie...I miss it. It was nice having it there. I can't wait to start up again in May. lol!!

    Anyway, I'm proud of you for seeing those halves with David and that you recognize that they are real and all possible. But you really do have the power to make your life what it is. Live life to the fullst every moment of the day because, otherwise, it won't mean anything. You are an amazing and beautiful person and you deserve to havean amazing nd beautiful life.