Thursday, January 20, 2011

remind me again why I need a man

I've had an interesting thing going for the past year and a half or so with David... and by interesting I mean not exactly how I ever saw myself treating a relationship.

I never wanted to be the girl who waited around, or the girl who knew the guy she'd just broken up with was the one and was absolutely positive he was just delusional and would come around soon. I didn't want to have to justify his behavior, I didn't want my mother to not like him because of how he treats me, I didn't ever want to become so depressed that I needed a therapist, and drugs. I never saw myself wondering every single time I saw him if he'd fall in love with me again, and I never expected to be in love with someone who was putting up a wall keeping his feelings for me in because he didn't understand them or know how to deal with them.

I wanted someone who loved me, and never worried what that meant. I wanted a guy who my mother liked because she saw how happy I was. I wanted someone who supported me and helped me make my decisions. I wanted to know I was loved, and that no matter what happened, I'd always be loved.

I'm 22, I've got time. I'm not in a rush to find a guy who fits the bill (oh, and left handed, not sure why but I love the lefties) I just need to make sure that I don't let myself slip back into that things I was with David.

I want his friendship, but no more. And I want him to view me as a friend. I think that no matter how stressed this time apart has made me (and I'm doing better, I do have a lot of friends, I was just so codependent on him for so long it seemed like and entire half of me was cut off when he decided he couldn't keep having me for all of his emotional support) it'll show me exactly why I originally decided to only want to be his friend in the first place months ago.

I set down rules about how we were to act, and they got broken (guilty, but so was he). Then they got broken again. It sucked because every time I tried to put my foot down about what I wanted from him he disregarded my wishes. I should have seen this as disrespect a long time ago. Now, when he finally decided he wants what I've been asking for all along his word is final. I don't ever want to be with someone who doesn't respect me, and who treats my wishes as though they matter less than his own.

I've started hanging out with and talking to more people than I did before. I have always had lots of people I got along with, it's just hard to get together as often as I like to see people with everyone being grown up and either in school, working, or both. It's hard to find a best friend... most people already have one. But, it's not hard to find people to reconnect with. Ellen and I now get to see each others faces again and it just reinforces my feelings of deep passionate girl love for her. I've been seeing a new gent and I'm still not ready to talk about it, but he's not from match dot com and I really like him.

At this point we've only had three dates and I won't mention how slutty I've been... but, he is an amazing kisser. Real hands on. If it weren't for the fact that I play a quasi slutty girl in the movie of my life I'd kiss him for hours. He is also a really great to snuggle with. And left handed. And he admittedly likes musicals and reading. The only problem is his bed only has two pillows. Whose bed only has two pillows?

Enough of that, I'm not talking about it. I don't want to jinks it.


  1. Ditto on that whole first part. I don't think anyone would want to be in that kind of a relationship - it just happens. Once you see clarity (and you will eventually even it if is 4 years later) you will realize that you deserve so much better. I honestly don't think having David as a friend will help you (only from my experience). But it is great that you found a new guy to distract you for the time being. Good luck with that.

  2. NOT FROM MATCH.COM?! Those people exist?

  3. I love the title. It made me giggle and think about that book I gave you to read. It's hilarious. I hate the typos in it but it was still just amazing. I can't wait for you to read it and laugh and remind yourself how wonderful and hilarious you are!!!

  4. As much as I want to hear about this new guy, I understand the not wanting to talk about it. I feel the same way about my blog, like talking about it will bring bad vibes. :)