Thursday, January 13, 2011

therapy thy name is blog

Something or Someone you definitely could live without.

My life is full of crap I'd like to get rid of, my messy mother still living with me after nearly three months, my bee eff eff for life traveling the world (I wish she would travel the world, fo realz... I just miss her *sad face*), my inability to digest milk... and what the glass I had for breakfast is doing to me (and my office) right now. It's just, you know, indecision again. Do I really want to get rid of those things?

I wish my mother would go home where she belongs, but I don't want her out of my life. She's one of the few people out there who talks to me even though I'm a neurotic bitch sometimes. She cleaned off my car yesterday morning before work and I yelled at her for coming in my room while I was mostly naked. I didn't even say thank you. Sometimes I'm horrible.

I just textd her, I feel better now.

I want Ellen to be in my arms, so I can share my lactose intolerance with her... kidding, (yea right, what fun is gas if you can't share it with someone dear to your heart?) But, I know how meaningful this trip is going to be for her, plus it'll get easier in a few weeks when we both get a hold of our lives without each other. I have a feeling (more than a feeling... more than a feeling...) something great is going to happen to her while she's over there. So, obviously that's not what I'm going to choose either.

I think I'm going to go with something; someone seems to harsh.

I shall not banish anyone from this point forward, lest I be banished for karma's sake.

I am borrowing from someone I know's answer because she borrowed my new years goal... whatever, originality died with Mark Twain.

Sadness, but not in the sense that I want it to go away, I'm a firm believer in balance and that without sadness there would be no joy; for how is one described but in opposition to the other?

I'm feeling like my writing style is bordering old timey today... bear with me, it's just how it comes out. You should be glad I don't censor.

There is a lovely quote by someone and it sort of goes like this:

-Only when one has been in the deepest pits of despair can he truly know joy.

Sorry I don't know anything today, but I do know I either read or heard it somewhere. That's the truth.

Basically, I know I could do without it for a while because I've been feeling it for so long. Depression hit me hard about a year ago, but I'd been slipping slowly for almost a year before that. Now I may be on the uphill battle out, but I'm in no way in the clear. Every day is a battle of me fighting against my thoughts, I have to work so hard not to bash myself up about the silliest things. When I feel like I'm slipping I slip more because I'm so afraid to be that girl again.

The girl who won't go out because she's afraid she won't know anyone or have a good time, so she stays in, crying on the living room floor. The girl who won't call people because if they haven't called her... they must not want to talk to her. The girl who goes home from work every day, watches tv, then goes to bed by 8:30 because she's emotionally drained from just keeping on living for one more day. The girl who thinks about disappearing. Forever. Because life is too hard, and no one really needs her anyways.

That girl.

She's the one I fight with every day; she's there in the mirror when my clothes fit too snug or my hair won't stay put. She's the one crying when she can't figure out how to clean the kitchen because, "where do I start first?" She's the one who I see in the rear view mirror when I am driving because other people are scary... and her anxiety is pretty bad when other drivers try to kill her.

I could do without her. I know I'm better for being her... for learning how to not be her. But I'm so tired of her, so tired of every day fearing that something out of my control will push me over the edge. I wish I could rid myself of that fear, of the doubt that comes from knowing I might not be strong enough to deal with things today, of the sadness that follows the doubt, because I want to be more than I was... and I'm not all the way there yet.

LBB, hows that for using you as my therapy?


  1. I may be a -ahem- "world traveller" but I'm never truly away from you and your smelly ass. In fact, I'm sitting in the corner of your office right now staring at you. How's that for friendship, eh??

  2. Oh, and I'm sorry I stole your new years resolution, I didn't really realize it until you said it. Damn me and my unoriginality...

  3. Don't be sorry, I like sharing things with you. I also emialed you a long ass-email so, go read it.

  4. I heart therapy - nice work. And I LOATHE my lactose allergy. Bastard.

  5. I think you are stalking me...haha just kidding, but man oh man...everything you said above is me to a T. I DID go to bed at 8:30 yesterday after watching a little tv & I cry for no reason, etc. I hate me like this, but I am reassured that others feel it to, so Thank You. I hope you don't feel this way much longer - there are little things that do help...if I (you) get the motivation to actually do them - which in my case is rare.

  6. You aren't alone! I used to feel like this all the time. Thankfully I am on some medicine that really helps even me out. I still have those terrible days and it sucks so bad.

    Even though we have never met, I am here if you need to vent. Life really sucks sometimes and you just have to get it all off your shoulders.