Wednesday, January 5, 2011

do better

I want to thank every single one of you for being awesome. I actually didn't expect a single comment yesterday and you guys just came though. I sometimes worry about gushy posts that are all, "I am a girl, I have emotions. Read about them," but you guys are so cool about my feelings and thoughts. I love you! *hugs*

/strange emotional girliness

A few things, Erika commented yesterday that she wanted a for friendship, and I've seriously had this thought so so many times. Erika is my blogging soul mate, she's my life twin. I can't believe she had the exact same idea I did. KA-razy! Maybe if she and I patent it we'll make millions and never have to work again. Work sucks lately.

I seriously think that if I can make it through the next few months without David then I will just move on (Casey, you do not sound like an old woman, you sound like a smart woman, and I appreciate all your advice). I don't know why I'm limiting myself with thinking he is the only guy out there who I'll ever love. I was miserable with him for so many reasons. I've been happy with what we've been for the last 5 months or so because, like I said yesterday, it's easy. Who doesn't want an easy relationship? No one, that's who. Every relationship starts out a little rough because you don't really know each other and getting used to the other persons way of doing things (sense of humor, speech patterns, if they are a bed hog or not) takes some getting used to. Since David and I'd gotten past that, it just made sense that we were somewhere easy because he put up a wall to keep his feelings about me at bay (why do guys do this?) and I am just too easy going to cause fights, unless of course menstruation and the like take over the reason centers of my brain then we're all just screwed.

Kyle and I were talking about it (he has become my new vent, he and you, my blog, shall carry me through this time of my friends absence) and after he and his fiance broke up (because she cheated on him...) they tried to stay friends but it was just too hard. So, he put up a wall and they didn't talk for nine months. Now he's "fine" -except for the huge wall and his fear of all things with a vagina- and they talk every so often. He misses her because she was his best friend, but he can't have a super close relationship with her.

I can't put up a wall. I don't know how; not to mention it's very unhealthy, emotionally. I'm all about feeling my feelings... and because of that I will have to take a different approach. Talking about it for one, and not blocking things just because they hurt. Pain doesn't necessarily make you stronger... it just hurts. But, if you choose not to feel pain you're also limiting your capacity to feel joy. The rule of actions and reactions; physics works with feelings too. All things, equal and opposite. Remember that.

I have done pretty well with my diet so far this year. My medicine has a side effect of weight gain but I've been really careful about not just eating because there is food and I can. I didn't even have any of the pies I made for Christmas. Two, home made pies including my own pie crust recipe, which I'll blog about soon for those of you who fancy pie, and I didn't even have one bite. Bobby obviously liked it because I found the empty pan in the sink and a few crumb covered plates in his room the day after I took the apple one to his house.

side note: not being there to clean up after Bobby and David will be, by far, the best part of this "exercise". I used to do way to much for those two, and now I won't be there to just clean as I walk by. I have a sort of problem when it comes to cleaning. My room, which is always a total mess (except for now because I've been a bit bored...) doesn't count. I love a clean space. It shows by the fact that I clean things as I walk by.

I'd kill for that kids metabolism. And to be 6'2... I'd rule the world if I was 6'2. So, I haven't gained weight, and I even lost a little. Not sure how much because I mostly hate scales, but I bought a sweater that was a little small and now it fits! That's how I can tell, by how things fit. I think that going on a diet slash get healthy ploy will be a great step in my real new years resolution of being happy. I'm not happy with how I look and feel. I won't be happy if I do nothing... so, I'm doing something. Not for David or any of my match dot com lovers, but for me. For my health, and for my happiness. I am actually sore from engaging in sexy time last night, my arms and my chest and my abs. I never get sore, not from sex. So, I guess that means technically I exercised yesterday too... right?

obviously I haven't made any decisions involving what I'm going to do about Kyle not wanting to date... I'll get back to you one that.

This post is already a bazillion miles long so I'll cut it here. I've been listening to some seriously interesting radio Labs about words and language, and although I can't tweet with proper spelling while I drive (whatareyougonnado?) I'm very curious to talk about it as soon as I'm done with the episode.

Happy Wednesday.


  1. Tell me how to NOT eat just because food is there. Please. I've yet to master that shit.

  2. Woohoo! I am glad to hear that you are attempting to "obtain a completely healthier lifestyle" too!!! I have 128 days till my wedding (I only know this b/c of the ticker on my blog), so I figure in like 16 weeks I should totally be able to lose 30+ lbs!

    My strategy for this 9 millionth attempt is that I am going to try to just eat super small portions of anything, AND definitely kick back on the carbs. I am 6'1", so I definitely lose pretty quick, but I have been in weight limbo for some time now..

    Glad to see you are in a good place about things with David. :)

    I can't believe we are half way through the first week of 2011...


  3. I'm glad you're changing for yourself and not anyone else. You're beautiful no matter what. Remember that.

  4. How do you lay off Christmas pie? I envy you your willpower.

    Hope the soreness subsides quickly.

  5. not working again because of huge website success would be amazing. then i could fuel my intense passion for shoes and sour patch kids. YES!

    also, soreness from sex is the only soreness that is good. it just means you were doing it right. :D

  6. I'm glad you're finally focusin on you. It's what you need and deserve. I'm so proud of you!!! Miss you!