Thursday, June 3, 2010

a thought, some books, and texting

Talking about David makes me feel like shit. I apologise, it's just that no other word really fit in describing how I feel every time I think about him, and how I feel so much worse when that thought forms words that somehow make it to my mouth without me being able to stop them...

David is my friend, no matter what. And although we are no longer dating, I still have really strong feelings for him. Knowing that those feelings aren't reciprocated sucks.

So he and I are friends, and we hang out and do things and have lots of fun. This is not me living in a fantasy world, it's true. He and I have fun when were together, still. And when you are friends with someone you talk about them sometimes, right?

Well, every time I do I feel like the room gets quiet and people just kind of look at me and pity me. They feel bad that I still love him, and then it reminds me that I still love him and I feel like crap because I just talked about him. I think about him way to often for it to be healthy, and I feel like I can't help it. Almost everything reminds me of him, and if it doesn't make me sad, the thought of how I can't really rationalize calling/texting him the 15 times a day I think of something funny I'd like to share with him for fear of shaming myself into nonexistence (although nonexistence sometimes seems like a nice idea, if it could only be temporary) does make me sad. So then I'm sad, and I can't talk about him or to him and it sometimes feels like I'm not getting any better.

So I want to talk about Something that is wonderful, but it involves David; so I'm a little hesitant to do so. Even though I know you blog people can't really look at me while you read this, I feel like I can see your stares.

After my post about my hatred of "the man" involving the raising of the Sookie Stackhouse books David texted* me to say he has them all, in and will give them to me! I almost bought them this morning while shopping for my fathers day gift (Amazon seriously screws me over with the suggestions, I want everything). Fortunately I didn't buy it, I just saved it in my cart till later. Now, well soon, I'll have all the books. I can have them all with me for my vacation if I don't read them all by then, which I will try my hardest not to do.

side note: VACATION!!! So excited.

Not sure where we're going yet, I just know we're planning a beach, probably in SC. I like to imagine myself being drunk all day on the beach and having a vacation fling who wears pants that are far too tight. One sexy boy for me and one for Bobby!

I feel dumb, because David has made me so happy giving me theses books (I'm not pathetic, I just love reading). And when I think about telling people how happy I am, and where this happiness comes from I am afraid of the looks I will get. I'm afraid to feel stupid for letting David make me happy. But why should I? Why should I be ashamed of the fact that David and I broke up unconventionally and aren't angry at each other? We aren't, we're not even fighting at all. We didn't brake up because we hate each other, we broke up because we didn't want to start hating each other. We broke up to work on our relationship. And although he isn't interested in loving me like that anymore (or right now), he is interested in keeping me in his life. We are positive parts of each others life's, and although I get sad sometimes, I don't hate him. Why should I? I just miss his love, that's really all I'm not getting anymore.

* about the word "texted"... How do you pronounce it? I pronounce it tex-d not text-ed. Text-ed sounds illiterate to me. I legitimize it like this: banish/banished (not banish-ed). This isn't iambic-pentameter, we're not poets. I will never say text-ed, even if it becomes part of the dictionary. Just thought I'd put that out there, it annoys me when people say it, so so much.

No comments:

Post a Comment