Wednesday, December 1, 2010

a diet and a tattoo

I know that the last thing I (or anyone really) ever wants to read about is dieting.

Really, I hate it, and I am sorry, but you do fully have the ability to stop reading and come back another day. I am not holding your arm behind your back.

Through my spout of depression a lot has changed about me. Good things and bad things. I am now able to be more assertive and I can see things coming before they overwhelm me. I have tricks to help me look at situations from all angles, something I'd lost the ability to do for a while.

But, some really bad stuff happened too... like the extra weight I put on. In high school I weighted 165, in my first year of college I weighed 155, now, I weigh 210... and that my friends isn't sexy.

David always tells me I'll never look like I did in high school, and that's okay. But I'm not healthy. And that's not okay.

Learning to cook was a great thing for me, no matter how much butter or sugar I use any home cooked meal is better than an out meal because I know exactly what goes into each and every bite... the bad thing is that my food is good... like, really good. And I enjoy eating. Far too much.

So, here is the story, I stopped going to school and in turn I stopped going to the rec, with my activity level down I gained back the weight I'd lost plus some, because well, booze and such. The empty calories. We've all been there. And, when I was no longer in school things started to spiral down from there. I resented my friends because everyone was doing more with their lives than I was, and through that I started to isolate myself. More weight, more depression... more weight... it just kept piling on. And I just kept ignoring it.

That is what I do best, I ignore things.

So, in a manner of about a year and a half I put on over 50 pounds, got gross stretch marks and even lower self esteem, and cried every time I had to buy new pants. But still, did nothing about it.

Recently I have started incorporating better eating habits into my life. I make myself a smoothie almost every morning for breakfast, I don't eat after 8pm (usually...) and I try to not eat wings every night of the week but it's hard, those things are so good. But, there is an entirely separate side to being healthy then just cutting the buff wings...

EXERCISE! And, God, do I hate exercise... I hate huffing around like a tub o' lard and feeling gross because everyone is watching me thinking it's useless, you're already gross,why don't you just go home?...

But that's not the truth, people don't really think that; I know because I used to be the fit girl and seeing the fat people made me happy for them. I would watch them and cheer them on mentally because I didn't ever want to be them.

Now I am them. And I just need to remember that everyone is really cheering me on because they want what's best for me.

I used to be able to go to the gym for an hour and not feel pooped after, now I can't walk up 2 flights of stairs without having my chest burn; and that's just unacceptable. Also, none of my really cute clothes fit. I used to have money and spend it on clothes that were really cute, I want to wear them again. I want to be cute again. I want to wear contacts without feeling like my face is too fat and needing to wear very angular frames to balance it out. I want to get dressed in the morning and be able to look in the mirror for more than three seconds. I want to not get dressed and be able to look in the mirror for more than a milla second.

I want to have sex with the lights on and not hate myself the whole time.

I want to wear my ring my parents gave me when I turned 16 that doesn't fit my pudgy finger.

I want to order Diet Coke because it tastes better and not get looks from people because one diet coke won't make any difference... Ugh, I hate myself right now.

I also want to get a tattoo. On my arm. My inner arm. Where the wobbly bits are. Only, I don't want them to be wobbly. I want them to be sexy. I already have tattoos in places that could be super sexy if I just weighed less and wasn't so flubby, I know, I had them when I wasn't so flubby. They were sexy. I promise.

As a goal for myself I would like to get this tattoo in a visible enough place that it makes me need to keep up a healthy lifestyle, for me. And, because the idea I have is so freaking geektastic I can't not do it now that I've thought it up. Sooner toward the completion of my weight loss goal I'll tell you what it is, but just know, it will group me with the kids even you didn't talk to in high school.

PS: I blogged over at Sex and The Shitty today, go read me there :)


  1. Gosh. I SO understand where you are coming from. Just thinking about the gym makes me break out in a sweat. We can do it!

  2. I give you a lot of credit. I am not fit or healthy and I HATE the gym. I don't go. I need to do something because I too feel the same as what you said. I have been 155 for too long. Today I was dress shopping and getting so mad at me for being the way I am. I like my curves...but they get in the way. :( At least you are motivated now to do something about that. And for that I applaud you (and clap).

  3. Nice post -- even if the topic is a bit heavy.

    I love food, too. The only thing that saves me is exercise. I love food too damn much. Hooch too!

    Good luck with it.

  4. Denise, I loved this post. So real and raw and moving. I'm pretty petite myself so when I gain even 5lbs it goes staight to my gut and because I have ZERO chest, it's very noticable.
    I came across this, book Naturally Thin by Bethanny Frankel (from Real Housewives), and it was seriously amazing.
    It's not going to wipe the lbs off immidiately, but in the first 2 weeks of reading it I lost 7lbs without lifting a weight (not too bad, right?) Anyways, she just pretty much gets you to think about food in a different way.

    That being said.. I'll leave you with something I heard the other day... "Curves are for men. Bones are for dogs"

    Keep writing girl!! I love reading your posts!

  5. you+me at the gym. asap.

    AND we'll start cookin healthier things!

  6. Oh man, I know the feeling. A couple of years ago, I had a really bad reaction to a medication and I gained close to 50 lbs. because of it. I'm still trying to lose that weight not all of it, though because I've found that if I get below 150, I start to feel really sick, like I'm undernourished.

    But it's hard to lose any of it for many of the same reasons you mentioned earlier - being among the chronically unemployed, it's hard not to get depressed and start mindlessly snacking on top of a more sedentary lifestyle; and going to the gym sucks out loud, so I don't.

    But you're right, little changes work. I've given up meat two days a week, which forces me to find good, filling vegetarian meals to fill those evenings. I rarely eat dessert anymore, but I haven't completely cut myself off from it; instead, it's smaller portions fewer days a week, or some popcorn which is high in fiber and always tasty. Deprivation model dieting is so counterproductive because it's so miserable.

    I found a good yoga program on Hulu, and I have the Jackie Warner Work-Out DVD from Bravo (which I have been neglecting because I got bored), so I don't have to face the crowds at the gym...or pay for a membership. There's a good area for walking near my house, so my mom and I will go for walks in the early morning during the spring and summer; it's about 2 miles, a 30 minute walk, a pretty good way to start the day.

  7. Your new tattoo would group you with the football players?

    Anyway, good luck with your weight loss.

  8. i like diet coke because it tastes better.