I know that the last thing I (or anyone really) ever wants to read about is dieting.
Really, I hate it, and I am sorry, but you do fully have the ability to stop reading and come back another day. I am not holding your arm behind your back.
Through my spout of depression a lot has changed about me. Good things and bad things. I am now able to be more assertive and I can see things coming before they overwhelm me. I have tricks to help me look at situations from all angles, something I'd lost the ability to do for a while.
But, some really bad stuff happened too... like the extra weight I put on. In high school I weighted 165, in my first year of college I weighed 155, now, I weigh 210... and that my friends isn't sexy.
David always tells me I'll never look like I did in high school, and that's okay. But I'm not healthy. And that's not okay.
Learning to cook was a great thing for me, no matter how much butter or sugar I use any home cooked meal is better than an out meal because I know exactly what goes into each and every bite... the bad thing is that my food is good... like, really good. And I enjoy eating. Far too much.
So, here is the story, I stopped going to school and in turn I stopped going to the rec, with my activity level down I gained back the weight I'd lost plus some, because well, booze and such. The empty calories. We've all been there. And, when I was no longer in school things started to spiral down from there. I resented my friends because everyone was doing more with their lives than I was, and through that I started to isolate myself. More weight, more depression... more weight... it just kept piling on. And I just kept ignoring it.
That is what I do best, I ignore things.
So, in a manner of about a year and a half I put on over 50 pounds, got gross stretch marks and even lower self esteem, and cried every time I had to buy new pants. But still, did nothing about it.
Recently I have started incorporating better eating habits into my life. I make myself a smoothie almost every morning for breakfast, I don't eat after 8pm (usually...) and I try to not eat wings every night of the week but it's hard, those things are so good. But, there is an entirely separate side to being healthy then just cutting the buff wings...
EXERCISE! And, God, do I hate exercise... I hate huffing around like a tub o' lard and feeling gross because everyone is watching me thinking it's useless, you're already gross,why don't you just go home?...
But that's not the truth, people don't really think that; I know because I used to be the fit girl and seeing the fat people made me happy for them. I would watch them and cheer them on mentally because I didn't ever want to be them.
Now I am them. And I just need to remember that everyone is really cheering me on because they want what's best for me.
I used to be able to go to the gym for an hour and not feel pooped after, now I can't walk up 2 flights of stairs without having my chest burn; and that's just unacceptable. Also, none of my really cute clothes fit. I used to have money and spend it on clothes that were really cute, I want to wear them again. I want to be cute again. I want to wear contacts without feeling like my face is too fat and needing to wear very angular frames to balance it out. I want to get dressed in the morning and be able to look in the mirror for more than three seconds. I want to not get dressed and be able to look in the mirror for more than a milla second.
I want to have sex with the lights on and not hate myself the whole time.
I want to wear my ring my parents gave me when I turned 16 that doesn't fit my pudgy finger.
I want to order Diet Coke because it tastes better and not get looks from people because one diet coke won't make any difference... Ugh, I hate myself right now.
I also want to get a tattoo. On my arm. My inner arm. Where the wobbly bits are. Only, I don't want them to be wobbly. I want them to be sexy. I already have tattoos in places that could be super sexy if I just weighed less and wasn't so flubby, I know, I had them when I wasn't so flubby. They were sexy. I promise.
As a goal for myself I would like to get this tattoo in a visible enough place that it makes me need to keep up a healthy lifestyle, for me. And, because the idea I have is so freaking geektastic I can't not do it now that I've thought it up. Sooner toward the completion of my weight loss goal I'll tell you what it is, but just know, it will group me with the kids even you didn't talk to in high school.
PS: I blogged over at Sex and The Shitty today, go read me there :)