Thursday, December 9, 2010

ding dong merrily on HIGH

I feel like I haven't been doing anything lately, just thinking about doing things... Story of my life. I am too good at procrastinating, it's a bad habit.

Yesterday in therapy I talked through my dilemmas with ... am I allowed to say his name?... Kyle and how I feel about him and us and me and all this shit because I pay far too much attention to everything.

If I say his name, does that make it real? Ellen and I call him BAM for a few unmentionable reasons, which ended up being a perfect name because he says, "bam!" Emeril style all the freaking time. Whatever, he is real, our "relationship" (or lack there of) is another story completely.

My main fear with starting another relationship is running into a place where I take too much solace in the relationship and ignore all the stressful things I ignored before by taking solace in my relationship. See, I was an idiot, and I was in love, and I made things a lot worse because dealing with things isn't exactly a skill I'm so skilled at. Now, ignoring things, I am bomb at that. Totally rad.

So, I am deathly afraid of losing my outside life, because with Kyle I get time off from my stress. He is easy to be with and hilarious in a lot of really enjoyable ways. I can go to his house and I don't have to hear a baby crying or have my mother follow me around talking because she thinks that's the best solution to missing me... and, I don't have to be alone in a crowded house. Kyle likes being with me, and when we're together I get a peaceful mind and a peaceful place to be myself (all but the farting, I still can't fart). So, I get a break, but I'm afraid to let that break become anything more. I can't let myself slip back into the person I am trying so hard to get past. The idea of that happening scares me more than anything.

But, everyone needs a break. I can't survive being this big ball of stress all the time. I need a break, and since my sister is probably the worst person in the world to live with (before the baby, now it's just awful) and my mother feels the need to be there all the time I don't have that at home. I haven't slept at home for over two weeks, and when I try to sleep there the baby wakes me up more.

Which double sucks because I already have a ton of trouble sleeping. My therapist says I do something called catastrophizing, which is a fancy word for I have a really hard time not seeing the worst possible outcomes for almost every situation. I thought it was control issues, it may still have a bit to do with that, my anxiety is the worst when I am not in control of something, or the control is taken from me, or someone else is driving. Someone else driving is horrible. But, it's more than that.

Recently I decided I need another job. Having two jobs would do wonders for me: I'd be able to have more money, less time to spend the money I do have, I'd be able to make more friends my own age, I'd be busy and would have something to keep my mind occupied (other than catastrophizing), and really, the money is a huge thing. My ideal second job is to be a server. If you've never been you won't get it, but it's really the best job. You get paid every time you work, in cash. You get paid more for working harder. You work 5 or 6 hour shifts and that's it. It's a great job to have as a second job or as a student. When (if) I start school in May, being established at a job like that would be ideal. Seriously, ideal.

But, my anxiety, it's so weird. Putting in the job application I was sure my legs would collapse out from under me. This is just putting in the application, which I already had filled out... Of course, as soon as I started talking to the manager about whatever you talk to managers talk about, I was fine. I didn't die or fall off the chair or make an ass of myself. Next, a week later I decided to call for a follow up because I hadn't heard from them and the person I talked to seemed like he was generally interested in me. Serving is easy, but not everyone can do it and I'm good at it so obviously they want me... So, I'm making this call, just a call, and I feel like my heart will beat out of my chest. I work on the phone for my job. I'm brilliantly professional on the phone. I have no idea what the heck my problem is. The man said he'd call me either that day or the next because he had just been busy but really had planned on calling me, I gave him my cell phone number and I didn't die. I was so sure I was going to explode or something.

About two hours later he called me and set up an interview for today during my lunch. Thinking about it is making my hands (more) sweaty and my heart rate elevated. I can tell because it's beating in my throat.

I don't know what I'm freaking out about, like I said, serving is easy, it's like second nature to me and I am good at it. There is no reason I won't be working there very soon and I just need to keep my head on. So, yea. I guess I'll tell you tomorrow if I have two jobs or not, that is, unless I spontaneously combust or something.

I just realized that the title doesn't really go, it was the song that was stuck in my head at the time. I know you're supposed to name stuff after, but I usually do it first: fun fact about me.


  1. I tend to be exactly the same way! Good luck at the interview! :) Let us know how it goes.

  2. Yo Denise! Wow I related to this post on many levels. 1. I too procrastinate and I'm try so hard to change that. I read that one good way to make change is to change one habbit at a time-as a goal. I have a tendency to start to read a book and never finish. Now I told myself I would finish a book if I started it. I also have depression and some anxiety and I have trouble sleeping and I used to also see a shrink and took meds. However, I now just take supplements which dont have the God-awful side effects. I recommend that you pick up the book: Depression Free for life. It doesn't only deal with depression. I too feel like I engage in certain ritualistic behaviors as a form of escape but I'm trying to deal with shit head on. I get the sweaty palms too and I also have trouble farting in front of others. Good luck.

  3. I can't find a job in this town ANYWHERE. I'm freaking out to the max. I totally understand, but with the added problem of not having ANY job.

  4. good luck! just be the fantastic charming lady that you are with us everyday, and you'll be fine :)

    and you're right, serving is where it's at! bartending too, although those jobs are harder to get. that's what i'm looking for right now....bane of my existence

  5. Breathe in, Breathe out. You're going to be fine! Plus we're going sled riding. It'll be awesome. Then we're making cookies. Hello awesomeness!

  6. I catastrophize TOO! It's really hard to stop. Good luck with the job - it will be great :).

  7. I catastrophize. Cool that I now have a name for it.

    Good luck with that interview!

  8. I think most job interviews are more difficult than the jobs themselves. I get nervous before job interviews too, even though I know I can do most jobs that I apply for. Anyway, good luck with your interview.