Friday, April 1, 2011

being alone

You know that feeling, when you wake up early on a Saturday morning with nothing to do and no where to go. That, "I could get up, but I don't have to... in fact, I don't have to do anything," feeling?

I love that feeling.

I live for that moment of nothingness where I can just be with no interruptions or agendas. I love being able to roll back over, shut my eyes, and keep dreaming.

In NYC I got to spend a significant time alone, and in my therapy session a few days ago, when my therapist asked me about my trip, I gloated over that time I had to just relax. My mind and body were at ease because 1) I couldn't leave her apartment or I would be locked out, and 2) I didn't want to anyways. I slept, watched TV, made grilled cheese, read, skyped, drank milk, (one of my favorite alone activities, ask Ellen or Merry if you don't know why it should be done alone) and did nothing.

I did a significant amount of nothing, with no interruptions or babies crying, without feeling always stressful because my mother just is around me.

Have you ever known anyone who you just automatically become stressed in their presence? Not in a good way either? A teacher you didn't get along well with, a bully, someone who was trying to gank yo boyfriend? Having her in the house makes my nerves stand on end...

Doing nothing is where it's at.

My father has been on vacation since Sunday and I've been sleeping at his house. It's amazing how hard I have been sleeping this week. I have been dreaming my freaky weird dreams per usual, but I don't wake up at 5:30 every morning because of a crying baby, I wake up to pee only. And I walk there with no pants and no bra on, because I can.

I had friends over the other night and made excellent foods, and I didn't do the dishes, and I still haven't done them.

Because I can.

I watch what I want on the TV as loudly as I like.

Because. I. Can.

Craigslist, while a great place to waste time looking at cute puppies, is also a great place to find creepy roommates and crappy apartments to live in. I want to not do the roommate thing, but I also don't want to ruin my life by taking out enough student loans to pay for said apartment of alone blissfulness...

But I know for a fact that I cannot live with my mother and be in school (which is in one month, by the way!!!). I can't come home after a stressful day of trying to learn how to be a nurse twice as fast as the regular people and have her aura of pure annoyance flitting about the house. I can't be woken up in the middle of the night because that's when she thinks it's okay to do the dishes, or the laundry, or just make fucking noise doing whatever the hell it is she does at two in the morning.


dum-ah dum-ah dum-ah

Have you heard of the Brown Derbies? I love a capella boy groups.

So, Craigslist... I have found this 1 bedroom that allows you to have cats with a garage (important, remember, I live in OHIO) and it's only $450 a month plus gas and electric, which the landlord says cumulatively is less than $20 each month... it doesn't have AC though, and I am whiney when I get sweaty. But I would have a room, and a living room, a kitchen type area, and bathroom all to myself!

In order to not go broke, I've been applying for scholarships like a mad woman, hence why blogging hasn't really been happening. You can only rite so many essays on why you deserve scholarships and what America means to me before you get tired of writing altogether and blogging is the last thing that sounds fun. I am very sorry if you missed me, which I am sure you did because I missed you, but I will be back in full force as soon as I can think of anything more exciting to write about than my new hair cut (totally cute by the way, the back is stacked, I have mini bangs, and I am basically teasing the shit out of it so it's big and beautiful (like your mother)).

Oh, in case you're curious about my love life (which hasn't involved the horizontal shuffle for a few weeks now because we have issues (am I too young to be having these sort of issues in a relationship?) just know that I'm back on the saddle and plan on riding the horse as often as the horse will let me...

Cleaner subject matter: Tom and I are smitten as shit with each other and it's equal parts gross and adorable. We have weekly events such as wing night, we snuggle (not all my doing, he likes to cuddle too), we cook together and for each other, we spend time together just doing whatever, because we like being around the other.

Isn't that amazing!??!!?

I like him, far more than I expected, and I am happy with him. That's really all I could ask for at this point, and since he is pretty boss when it comes to life plans and grown up stuff like that, he sort of works in all the other areas of relationship quota I've decided to ignore for the time being. Tom is special, and I really like him.


  1. There is an important thing you must remember in life. Recycle, recycle, recycle. It's good for the environment and your mind when writing essays for the same prompt but different people.

    I TOTALLY missed you. I was Jonesing for your blog by Tuesday. It was a problem.

  2. I can completely relate on the Craigslist issue. I have lived with a girl i found off of criagslist for 7 months now... i've probably have only had an hours worth on convo with her.

  3. I relish being alone as well, and I totally get what you mean about that stressful person. My dad is definitely that person and even if he's in the other room I know he'll just burst in at random; so I find it hard to concentrate when he's near (which is all the time).

    Your trip to NYC sounds great; there really is something magical about being alone, and having peace.

  4. If bloggers had a scholarship program, you'd be a shoo-in!

    Good luck with the house-hunting. 450 sounds doable.