Thursday, March 24, 2011

giving him a complex

So, apparently there is this thing... called a relationship. And once you decide (willingly, I might add) to become a part of one, stuff changes.

You're not allowed to get fantastically, stupidly drunk and make out with whomever is in a five foot radius of you. In fact, you're not supposed to want to unless it's only your significant other in that radius.

You're not supposed to be friends with your ex's, even if you've been friends for almost longer than you dated.

When you come back from trips, you're supposed to make alone time with the person you're seeing before you make any time for your friends. And, including friends in that special time is also a no no, apparently.

I'm not good at dating, I'm great at being single.

I am amazing at it in fact.

Dating is work, with another person, who you don't know what they are thinking and who sometimes have different opinions than you. It's compromise after compromise, and you're supposed to want to do it. You're supposed to value the other person's happiness over (or at least close to) how much you value your own...

But why?

Why should his happiness be more important than my own?

Isn't happiness something you yourself are the only one who can control? Shouldn't you and only you make that a reality?

If you're relying on another (or in reverse, trying to make the other happy) won't it just not work?

You can be happy with someone, they can contribute to your overall quality of life; there is no way anyone but yourself can make you happy.

And, being "that girl" who strives to please the person she is with will just make her feel insignificant, unaccomplished, and as though she'll never be good enough, or funny enough, or whatever enough...

But, she should never feel that way; her happiness is her own responsibility just as the others happiness is their own.

However, even I make mistakes. I don't call when I should, and I don't make plans properly because I want to see everyone and not just him. I don't think that if the other person isn't happy it's my fault...

... because it isn't, really.

Is it?
If they aren't happy with something I've said or the way that I act, it's not my fault if they don't bring it to my attention, right? And therefore, unknowingly proceeding with my life in the same way I did before shouldn't make you upset with me, it should make you upset with you, for not speaking our mind and notifying me of your feelings.

I'm not a mind reader. I don't expect that of you, so how can you expect that of me?

And, most importantly, if you're relying on me for your happiness, you're doing it wrong. I can help; I can be enjoyable company or a great listener, I can hold your hand as you fall asleep and kiss you in the morning, I can make you a surprise or bring you some sort of gift... but that won't make you happy. And I don't want to be held responsible for that sort of thing.

That's not what men want to hear though, is it?

They want to make you happy and they want you to make them happy. They want to look into your eyes and trust you, just because. They want to know that they are your first priority...

But that's just not how I work.

I'm my first priority. I need to be.

My happiness, my future, my everything comes first. If I'm not happy, I know that you can't change that. So why should I be concerned with something I can't change (your happiness) when I am fully capable of changing something of my own?

Does that make sense?

Maybe I am just too good at being single.

Maybe I just don't have room in my priority list for anyone else.

Maybe I don't care enough...


  1. Oh, man. I feel like I could've written this...

  2. Hmmm...

    I am awesomely amazing at being single, and it takes me a bit of gear-changing before I can slot into a relationship, but I'm also good at being in a relationship. I am ultimately responsible for my own happiness but I do expect Scrubs to make me happy, because obviously if he wasn't it would be in my hands to break up with him. Does that make sense?

    Basically if someone isn't making you happy, you're better off without them.

    I know I make him happy in stupid ways; because he loves me and it makes him happy when I sing in the shower or try to make dinner and burn stuff by mistake or dance on my own in the club. I don't buy him presents all the time and bring him breakfast in bed, but I do consider his feelings in almost everything - relationships are a compromise after all.

    The thing is though - we've been going out for two years, and I think compromise is necessary at that point because it's more serious, and your lives are intertwined and our happiness lies in the balance. For example if I decided I to spend a year travelling tomorrow, I would be more unhappy about leaving him than I would be happy about travelling. And vice versa.

    At the beginning though... you have to be a little selfish. You have to protect your interests because your happiness isn't as intertwined with his.

    I don't even know if this makes sense. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say! Either way, good luck!

  3. You're young. Young people don't dig on relationships.

    Just wait.

  4. He obviously can't deal with your awesomeness. :)

  5. I agree, you definitely have to make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy. Co-dependency is a no go.

  6. Being single rocks!!..but still, it doesnt hurt to have that one person you can lean on and share your life with.

  7. I agree that you need to be happy. But there will come a time in your life that someone else might bring you more happiness than you thought was possible. Perhaps being in a committed relationship now isn't the best thing for you, or perhaps Tom isn't a good match. Or it could be other'll figure it out.

  8. i'm beginning to think that i'm not good at relationships... but i'm still deciding if i care.
    good lucl

  9. I swear I tried commenting on this last week but blogger/my internet blows so I couldn't and then I forgot and then I was checking to see if you had written anything because I miss hearing from you/knowing every smidgen of your life so I checked but it was still this post so I'm commenting now. (I'm sorry for the run-on but you know that's how I talk/think)

    This is my thought. Do you think you need a relationship right now? I know you like Tom, but you're said yourself that you like being single and doing your own thing. Do you think you owe it to yourself to be single for more than ten seconds? (sorry if that sounded harsh...)

    Love you! We NEED to talk soon! I miss you in my life! Don't forget about me :P