Saturday, March 12, 2011

so much pent up stress

Last night I turned into a crazy person.

(Sorry Tom, seriously. You're wonderful and I'm so sorry)

I don't want to tell you exactly what set me off but after I was upset, the flood gates opened (literally, I cried for probably an hour and a half straight) and I didn't know what was wrong (and by didn't know I mean couldn't pin point one thing, everything was wrong).

I'm nervous about school. I'm nervous about money: if I'll have time to work, how I'll afford anything if I don't work, will my school work suffer if I am working... I have a savings, but it's not enough to get me through the next two years.

And, great for me, the hospital where I take my therapy that writes off my sessions because I have no health insurance till I'm a full time student again hasn't been doing it properly. In the past month I've gotten two bills from collection agencies. Even if it's a mistake, it's terrible for my credit to have delinquent bills... Have I told you I hate money yet?

I'm nervous about going to New York alone. I'm leaving next week and David was supposed to go with me but he bailed like a little bitch because he "doesn't have the money". He and I have been planning for two months, if he really had wanted to go he would have the money. End of story.

Ellen is still in Geneva.

My mother won't fucking leave* although I tell her at least once a week she makes me want to club baby seals (which is not all the way true, I would never, but she does make me want to kill things).

*this is seriously my main issue; if she would leave it would give me the space I would need to deal with all the other little things that are bothersome. My mother has no respect for me, my opinions aren't valid, and my needs are secondary to her own. Nothing I say holds any clout (this is also my older sister). They are messy, my mother in particular. I want to stab myself in the face thinking about how much shit is everywhere. The groceries get left on the table for days, my sister still hasn't brought the trash cans up from the curb, trash night is Monday, my mother thinks that bringing up laundry in garbage bags and leaving them all over the house is acceptable... please, kill me....

Tom and I fight all the time (now, this is just me, I'm so fucking stressed about everything else I end up acting like an idiot). This was fixed last night, I apologized to Tom, and told him we're never fighting again. Because we won't.

I miss Kyle every single day. I know I made the right decision getting him out of my life, but goddammit it's hard.

I've stopped working out because going alone is really hard and Merry doesn't want to do it anymore and going with my mother is not an option... That is doubly bad for me because I am no longer losing weight, I am not getting the endorphins that were making everything better, and I am not losing weight! I need to, for my self esteem and for my health. And because I promised Ellen I would look smokin' by the time she gets back, which is in less than two months.

Basically my life is about to take a huge turn and I am not ready... I am totally ready to go back to school, that's not what I'm not ready for; I'm not ready to be an adult who is in school. An adult with a car payment and bills and gas at a million dollars a gallon, and a mother who still won't effing go home.

I ran out of allergy medicine this morning and I don't want to buy more, that shit is expensive. I ran out of another medicine too last night (not telling what, but it has to do with the fact that despite my lactose intolerance I still eat dairy, often) and that too is expensive.

I need new glasses before I go back to school, I really should buy new contacts too because mine are drying my eyeballs out like whoa.

I need a hair cut because I royally messed up my bangs trying to cut the in haste one morning (completely wrong angle, they looked so screwy) and on top of all that Tom's family birthday party is tonight and I have to meet even more of his family.

I broke the touch screen on my phone last night by dropping it not very far. I even had a screen protector on it. It's not necessary to use the touch part, but when it comes to texting I now will just never have a capital letter because that was easier on the screen, not that anyone cares.

Also, what will become of my blog when I no longer have a job that requires so little of me? I want to keep this up, I love blogging, I love reading about you people and the lives you lead. Is it pathetic I worry about that? My blog is my child, my little, slightly inappropriate, sometimes potty mouthed, randomly profound child who I love so so dearly. I don't want it to die, I want it to live forever.

And, for no reason that makes any sense to anyone, my ovaries have started telling me it's time to get knocked up. they want a husband and a baby so bad. All I think about is being a mom and a wife and all that gross stuff that pisses me off. I hate dwelling over the idea of someday rearing possibly ADHD children into perfection while I am always pregnant and cooking and that seems amazing to me. Can anyone get the crazy out of me? Can anyone take my hormones and destroy them by any means necessary? Oh, and while you're at it my laundry needs done. And I pulled hooks off my wall last night while I was drunk. Fixing that too would make-a me very happy. *smiley face*

I hope there aren't eleventy billion typos in this because I don't really feel like rereading it and I've already found like 40 (yes, I just wrote "like" as the valley girl that I truly am). Slop, that's what we're proud of here on Denise's blog of pure literary brilliance. Slop and the F-word.


  1. I'm still in Geneva, but you said it yourself, LESS THAN TWO MONTHS!!! :D Everything is going to be ok. Promise!

  2. I may not know all that much about life, but here goes: life can be big and scary, and sometimes it can just drive you flat out crazy. But at the same time, it can produce some of the most magical, perfect, wonderful moments ever.
    I guess what I'm trying to say is hang in there, kid. I'm sure something good is coming your way. :)