gaah, life is hard sometimes

My therapist sucks because she makes me think about the things I pretend aren't bothering me. I sit there, for forty minutes talking about my mother, and how she drives me crazy, my dog, and how he is the cutest fur ball on the planet, my older sister, who is far too sympathetic towards my mother... and then, she asks me about my relationships.

Yes, you read that right.

Relationships.

With an "s".

As in plural...

Because I still have really strong feelings for Kyle and she is one of the few people who knows this.

She says that I light up when I talk about him, and that it sounds like I'm talking about the one I'm in love with, not just a friend. When I describe the way he makes me feel, how much fun we have together, how he is an amazing listener... she says that I'm happy, and she can see it in my eyes.

But with Tom, my boyfriend (is it just me, or does that still sound weird coming out of my mouth?) I seem to be making excuses. I like him, that's evident, just not with the same glow in my heart and light in my eye.

Being with him is fun, just not as fun... not as hilarious... not as much of anything. At all.

When Tom and I first started seeing each other, Kyle was out of the picture; he had decided that there was too much attachment happening (for both of us) and since he is damaged goods and can't give me his heart (note: won’t) I needed to quit him. We needed to quit each other.

What we were doing was bad for us both.

I hated him for making that decision. I hated him for taking the hope that we would someday figure everything out and be together. I hated not being the one to get to make that choice, I hate not having control, I want to be the one who decides when things are over (or beginning, or where we're going for dinner, or what color the walls should be...) and being told by someone else pissed me off.

And my heart hurt, Kyle was (and is) really special to me.

Kyle and I weren't talking, Ellen was in Geneva, David had fooled around with a girl on new years and hurt my heart so much I was sure it was going to break in half... I was lonely as shit.

And along came Tom, my knight in shining Irish armor with the bluest eyes I've ever seen. He swept me off my lonely feet and into his gigantic muscular arms. I felt safe, I felt wanted, I felt comfortable and warm and beautiful. He made all the hurt that was in my heart not as hard to bear, he helped me feel like I was worth something again... He was everything, he was the only guy in my life who I cared about (on the outside) and he made everything better.

My feelings for him were real, but very subjective.

David is my best friend again because I've forgiven him for being a major ass. Kyle is back in my life because it's sort of hard to actually get rid of someone who means so much to you, and while Ellen is still in Geneva, I'm doing better. Merry and I see each other on a pretty regular basis, which means that I'm not starving for female companionship.

So all the deep passionate quasi-needy feelings I felt for Tom have been subdued. I still want him, I still feel comfortable with him and enjoy our time together... it's just not so much of a need. It's not so much of a want. The void he was required to fill is no longer void and he's no longer the only thing filling it.

I have my best guy friend back, I have Kyle to do the things with no one else wants to do with me (glee anyone?) and Tom... well...

I like him, so much. But I need to make room for him in my life before he can matter to me as much as I matter to him. He is one of those guys who are generally annoyed by all things female. I guess I'm lucky because I am in the same boat.

Why are women so annoying?

So Tom choosing me for more than horizontal fun is something I should be proud of. Him wanting to see me and talk to me on a regular basis just shows me again how I'm not like normal women.

Yes I cried at Marley and Me, but who didn't? Yes I get all emotional when the red river is about to flow, but who doesn't? Yes, I think mini things are cute (even if it's cheese, how cute are those mini cheese rounds?) and all things baby make my face crunch up and higher than normal pitch talk come out of my mouth, but who doesn't? All I'm saying is that the normal: think it's cute to be stupid, never have anything of substance to say, just plain annoying to listen to and be with is what makes me special for not being those things. It also helps that I don't hate sports and I love Batman.

So, in order to make room for him in my life I am going to tell Kyle it really has to be over this time. No random texts about fifty cent fake moustache machines, no hanging out and drinking, no me letting his dog out because he'll be home late for work, no Sunday cinnamon rolls, no glee marathons on hulu... nothing.

Because as I'm writing this I, realize that he means way more to me than all of those things. He takes up a pretty big portion of my heart... and I want to give that portion and the rest to Tom. He deserves it, he deserves me, the whole me. He is a wonderful person, and me being selfish like this is horrible.

Kyle had the opportunity to have me; I was more than willing. I need to let him take his decision and walk, because having my heart and my head disagree on my relationship is a very bad thing.

texts from the ex

me: men... they are just so needy

him: so are women... then they cry.

Obviously he remembers our relationship with fondness.

I guess I just write a lot

Tom started a blog. I'm not going to say if I like it or not, just that it now exists and if you feel like reading it, you now know where to find it. He said he will probably write about me, and since I am god dammed hilarious in real life (so much so that I can't properly convey it through English words and such) you may get a look into that from someone who fancies me quite a bit's perspective.

I don't think he is quite used to how clumsy I really am yet. On one of our first few dates I totally ate it and fell on my ass in the parking lot. I laughed, he was embarrassed. Whatever.

Also, he and I are dating. Like, boyfriend and girlfriend, "no you hang up first" stuff. It's gross, and I love it. We watched Marley and Me (I'd never seen it and Tom wanted to see if I actually have a soul) and I cried like a little bitch. God, that movie was so sad. I want a puppy now.

Sorry men, (all one of you that read this vagina centered blog) I'm no longer on the market.

I am, however, in the market for things like people to hang out with, people who enjoy skyping (like Rob_of_the_sky *waves*) because Ellen is still in Geneva and I still miss her. Like so hard.

More plugs!! Merry, my dear friend of the real type (blog friends are real too, but she is really real. I've seen her existing and such) also has a blog that is so powerfully heartfelt and very hilarious at the same time. Also, she talks about poop and we all how important that is to me.

In high school Merry (short for Meredeth if you were confused) and I were in Beauty and the Beast together. Among towns person and other odd "Chorus" parts, I was a pillar. She was a bell. Not "Belle" but a bell; the *ding ding* type. After the transformation I was so effing bored and since I wasn't miked I had a good time with the girl who played Mrs. Potts... and by good time I mean I was really creepy and pissed her off every single time. Go me. Merry was there near me and since we'd all just "transformed" in to real people I thought commenting on people realness would be funny. I was totally right. I did this strange creeper thing with my hand I can't describe and told every one they were so real in this equally creepy voice. She and I still randomly comment on the realness of things with the creepy voice and creepy hand... this (among many many other things) is why I love heck heck out of this girl.

I'm done plugging my friends, I promise.
I want to talk about relationships though... and not just boyfriend slash girlfriend types; all types.

I have a very dear friend, his name is Andy Schueneman (BAM! Every time I spell that properly I want to high five myself, but then people look at me weird for clapping, so I do it on the inside), and aside from being part of the only family I've ever loved as much as my own, (he's Merry's brother, in case you were curious) he's truly an awesome person.

Another side not about the Schueneman's, and why I love them so much: I have a relationship with every member of the family that can coincide with the others, but is also completely unique. merry is like my other half, I love her. Em and I were amazing friends throughout most of high school (she drew quite a few fake tattoo on me during band) since she is in my grade. Andy and I tried dating over the summer, but it just didn't really happen... not a problem though, he's still a great friend. Mr. Schueneman (Max) and I went on an impromptu bike ride once when we both happened to be on the bike trail in Stow at the same time, and he and I always converse about things when I'm over there, and Mrs. Schueneman (Chris) is just an amazing hilarious woman I can't ever get enough of. Love the family, all of them.

I don't really know where I was going to go with this post... I started writing relationship advice (you know, because Tom and I have been dating for a whole three minutes and I know so much about them) but it turned out crap (the advice was good, the writing was crap). Maybe I'll work on that for and just tell you more about random things in my life that don't make sense or go together.

My sister has started reading the hunger games, and she's a whore for it now. She ordered the third book from the internet and because she has the flu she's home from work. But... she needed it today! Because she was done with the second!

So she went to Target and bought it.

She says she'll return the target one once the internet one arrives.

I doubt she won't have it done by the time the other arrives. I've been known to plow through a book when I've got the flu. Good news is that as soon as I am done with the book I picked up from the library over the weekend I'll get to start the series all bought by my sister. I love sharing books.

Teresa was texting me about how she bought the book at Target because she couldn't wait and I told her to "Keep it secret. Keep it safe," because you can't return a book that has been opened.

I love book quotes (and movie quotes) and because she is my sister she understands the crazy love of all things literature going on in my heart. We are really sisters, but if we weren't I'd say we were supposed to be sisters.

Books are cool.

being a woman makes me crazy

Because I seriously have nothing better to do today than look at baby animals, my ovaries are crying out and have convinced me I need something small to love...

And, because baby humans are a lot more work than fluffy baby animals, my brain made sure my ovaries were aware that they weren't getting a human. Only a kitten.

And by getting, I mean looking at them on the internet... I can't get a baby kitten right now.

My cat might get jealous.

Look at them with me!!

That's enough for now... I hope.

How are your ovaries feeling?