i have friends!

Besides my bloggy friends, who I am so appreciative of because reading about other peoples is easier than focusing on my own... (my own issue, I'm working on it), I have real friends in the real world who have reached out to me and made me feel wonderful.

David is a great person, I'll be the first to admit it; and although breaking up is usually messy ours wasn't. I cried, I yelled at him to just say he didn't love me anymore, I called him a pussy (I'm a real gem, I know) and I begged him to give us another chance; but after I went home, cried myself to sleep, woke up at 4:30 because that's just what type of person I am, realized I was actually alone and it hadn't been a dream, I started to think about why this happened.

And when I started to think my mind was blown at how I was not at all like myself that I used to know. I wasn't the girl David fell in love with, and that's why he didn't love me anymore. I thought about all the things I was hiding from and I noticed that the friends I had been neglecting were a part of that. I didn't talk to them because they reminded me of a part of my life that was terrible. They reminded me of exactly what I was avoiding.

Since facebook connects you to everyone you ever passed by in the hall at some point in your life, all those people who loved me still came out of the wood work and showed me that I have friends,all I have to do is ask.

I'm not looking to fill the empty time with other people, I'm just looking to be the person I used to be, and I used to be friends with everyone. I used to be busy, and have a social life. I used to be unavailable (with things other than being dependant on David for my happiness) and I used to be fun.

I'm excited to be and to have fun again. I'm excited to reconnect with myself and my friends. I'm so excited.

Yes, I'm lonely, and yes sleeping by yourself sucks; but knowing who you are is a huge part of dating someone, and I lost that part.

I miss being with him for a lot of reasons, but I remember not needing those things in my life. I remember hating sharing a bed (I'm a hog, everyone knows it), I remember loathing the idea of being tied down by another person, I remember cheating* on boyfriends because they just weren't that important to me. I remember dating 4 people at one time, because I didn't feel like being with one person was the best idea! I was so smart! Where did I go?

I am here now, not in all my former glory, but working on becoming the person I'm proud to be again.

Hello Epiphany, I'm Denise. Thanks for letting me have you. You were great, you blew my mind. And I liked what we were, but i don't know if I can handle more of you right now. So I'll have you of you happen upon me, but I'm not looking for something long term here. It was great, just what I needed. So thank you.


* I have a philosophy on cheating, and it's a good one. If you love someone, and you love them enough you won't cheat. It's plain and simple. You'll choose not to for the sheer fact that you love them so much that even risking hurting their feelings will turn you off from that; so it'll never happen. The few boyfriends I had that I count as meaning anything to me I never even thought about cheating on, because they were enough and their feelings were important enough for it to be a non issue. The others... well, not so much. You know when it'll last, and you know when it won't. Cheating is stupid, unless you don't care enough not to. Like I've said before, dating one person at a time is a waste of time... sometimes.

I can do this

I can get through this, although right now it seems like things couldn't really get worse.

I still love him, obviously; but right now I need to focus on me.

Friends? I don't know, not for a while at least... like i said, I still love him, a lot.

Here is what happened, in a nut shell:

Once there was a girl, and she fell in love with a boy. And soon that boy also fell in love with that girl. And they were happy, together.

Then everything in the girls life seemed to fall to pieces. She lost her vision, she lost her job, she lost her drive; she lost everything but him.

And she loved him so so much.

Well, that love became a crutch, and instead of focusing on solving her problems, she pretended they didn't exist; because with him they didn't.

Soon the boy got tired of the girl and her lack of ability to cope with reality outside of their relationship. He got tired of her always wanting to be around. He got tired of her using him to substitute happiness; because the girl he fell in love with was independent, and now she wasn't. She wasn't the same person, she was broken inside, and because she had him to lean on she wasn't trying to fix it.

The girl noticed his hesitance. She noticed him not wanting to be close to her as much and she felt him pulling away; and like all irrational people she clung tighter. And in doing so she made him pull away harder, because when you cling, the thing you cling to desires space all the more.

You can't make someone want to be with you, they either do or they don't.

And she clung, and he tried to make it work. But it didn't.

At least not now, not that way.

The girl is tired. She is sad. She is so so sad. But she understands, which in a way makes her feel worse, because she knows it's all her fault.

So for now she promises herself to work on the things that she was hiding from in the first place. The things she ran away from because he was easier than dealing with her broken life. And she'll try being his friend, soon; because he really is important to her. And they really do work well together, but for now she needs to be the girl she was before she fell in love. The girl she loved to be. The girl she was proud to be. The girl who he fell in love with, but not because he loved her, because she loved herself.

And if you don't love yourself, why would anyone else?

its over

So David and I broke up. I feel like the only thing worth holding on to in my life is gone, and now I have no clue what to do next, or where to go from here.

One man cannot make me. But this man has left a huge mark on my life, and now I'm empty. I'm sorry this blog post sucks. I'm sorry I let my own insecurities ruin something wonderful.

I can't blame him for not wanting me anymore. I don't want me anymore... why should he?

should I talk about how sad I am?

I think I will, because it's all I can think about.

When you're in a relationship with someone it's a general understanding that you both make compromises and work at the relationship, and do things to make the other person happy because you're in love, and love is about giving. Right?

And because you're in love you want to spend time together, and share things with the other person, and in doing so you become closer. Right?

And when one of the individuals has a problem, they elan on the other, creating a relationship of balance, and support, and all those other things people say. Right?

Well, that's not how I feel.

I don't feel loved, or wanted. I don't feel listened to, or like he wants to share. I feel like I've been shut out, and in turn shut off.

I don't like this, and maybe it's just because he has been gone so much lately, but whatever it is it hurts. My heart hurts. I want him, but I want him to treat me like I deserve to be treated.

I deserve to be loved, and to feel loved. I deserve to feel important, and wanted, and worth making an effort for. I deserve to be included, and sought out. I deserve to be happy.

So do I leave... or hope he thinks I'm worth keeping, and makes an effort to show me his love?

I hope it's the latter.

I really, really hope.