Wednesday, May 5, 2010

i have friends!

Besides my bloggy friends, who I am so appreciative of because reading about other peoples is easier than focusing on my own... (my own issue, I'm working on it), I have real friends in the real world who have reached out to me and made me feel wonderful.

David is a great person, I'll be the first to admit it; and although breaking up is usually messy ours wasn't. I cried, I yelled at him to just say he didn't love me anymore, I called him a pussy (I'm a real gem, I know) and I begged him to give us another chance; but after I went home, cried myself to sleep, woke up at 4:30 because that's just what type of person I am, realized I was actually alone and it hadn't been a dream, I started to think about why this happened.

And when I started to think my mind was blown at how I was not at all like myself that I used to know. I wasn't the girl David fell in love with, and that's why he didn't love me anymore. I thought about all the things I was hiding from and I noticed that the friends I had been neglecting were a part of that. I didn't talk to them because they reminded me of a part of my life that was terrible. They reminded me of exactly what I was avoiding.

Since facebook connects you to everyone you ever passed by in the hall at some point in your life, all those people who loved me still came out of the wood work and showed me that I have friends,all I have to do is ask.

I'm not looking to fill the empty time with other people, I'm just looking to be the person I used to be, and I used to be friends with everyone. I used to be busy, and have a social life. I used to be unavailable (with things other than being dependant on David for my happiness) and I used to be fun.

I'm excited to be and to have fun again. I'm excited to reconnect with myself and my friends. I'm so excited.

Yes, I'm lonely, and yes sleeping by yourself sucks; but knowing who you are is a huge part of dating someone, and I lost that part.

I miss being with him for a lot of reasons, but I remember not needing those things in my life. I remember hating sharing a bed (I'm a hog, everyone knows it), I remember loathing the idea of being tied down by another person, I remember cheating* on boyfriends because they just weren't that important to me. I remember dating 4 people at one time, because I didn't feel like being with one person was the best idea! I was so smart! Where did I go?

I am here now, not in all my former glory, but working on becoming the person I'm proud to be again.

Hello Epiphany, I'm Denise. Thanks for letting me have you. You were great, you blew my mind. And I liked what we were, but i don't know if I can handle more of you right now. So I'll have you of you happen upon me, but I'm not looking for something long term here. It was great, just what I needed. So thank you.

* I have a philosophy on cheating, and it's a good one. If you love someone, and you love them enough you won't cheat. It's plain and simple. You'll choose not to for the sheer fact that you love them so much that even risking hurting their feelings will turn you off from that; so it'll never happen. The few boyfriends I had that I count as meaning anything to me I never even thought about cheating on, because they were enough and their feelings were important enough for it to be a non issue. The others... well, not so much. You know when it'll last, and you know when it won't. Cheating is stupid, unless you don't care enough not to. Like I've said before, dating one person at a time is a waste of time... sometimes.

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