relapse

I guess that there is only so much you can cry about in one night, because the night David and I broke up I was pretty sure I cried about everything; little did I know that I hadn't.

After I realized that it really was best for us to not be together because of all the reasons I don't feel like repeating my sadness and tears were more for my lost self, instead of my lost relationship. I found that I missed the old Denise far more than I missed David; which made me feel like I "got over it" in a matter of about 12 hours. Not that I wasn't still sad, and secretly hoping he'd call me and say he'd just been kidding; but I really got why it was over, and that I needed to focus on "me", and not "us".

Since I was so amazing and got over us in less that a day I thought that David and I could be friends, because that is ultimately what he wanted. Wednesday night after I had dinner with Bobby, my best friend on the planet (who also happens to live with David if I haven't mentioned this fact already) I went over to their house and we started watching Fringe from the beginning because David has it on blu ray and Bobby has never seen it. Here are the reasons this was a bad decision:

Fringe is one of the shows David and I watched together. I love the show, but the fact that I'd already seen it gave me plenty of opportunity to pay attention to David.

Bobby got tired and went to bed, leaving me alone with David, something I thought I could handle, since I was so wonderful and was already over us. I couldn't handle it.

The entire time all I wanted to do was snuggle with him and rub his back. I couldn't get over how amazing he smelled and how much I wanted to kiss him. Every feeling of love I had for him came flooding in and I could not handle it.

Because after I realized how much I am still attracted to him and how he makes me feel, I remembered the true underlying factor of our breakup: David stopped loving me. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is not something I'd cried about the night I cried about everything. I'd suppressed that one fact because admitting it was harder than even saying it out loud. I said it a lot, I thought it a lot; but I'd never accepted it. And it was horrible.

So last night was the first time I was alone without being exhausted (I stayed with David till almost midnight, another mistake because I then couldn't get it out of my head how much I wanted to sleep there...) and it sort of over took me.

I was babysitting and as soon as the kids were sleeping and quiet I got to thinking. I got to thinking how awful it is to not be loved anymore, especially by someone you're still head over heels for. It sucks. And I cried. I cried till their mom got home and then I went home and cried myself to sleep.

Last night I cried for my lost affection, for my lost relationship, for my lost self. I cried because the worst feeling comes when you give your heart to someone and they give it right back saying, "no, thank you". I cried because it really is terrible reaching over to the other side of the bed and not finding anyone. Not finding him. So last night I cried.

I hope this isn't a regular occurrence, I get terrible headaches from crying.