Denise and God

My mother is one of those people who sees God in everything... Maybe it's because she reads her bible every day and is constantly reminded of it, but no matter. She sees opportunity to learn and grow in her faith every day. I'm not calling my mother a devout Christian, I'm not saying she is better than whatever or whoever because she talks about God every 15 to 20 minutes; because in all honesty I think she is sort of hypocritical because shes a lotta talk... But, I just wanted to start off by saying I will talk about normal things happening in my life with my mother and it will normally turn into a religion lesson.

I love God, I believe he created the earth. But I do not believe like my mother does, because, well, I just don't. I fell in love with a gay man, and that was the first thing that made me question aspects of the faith I grew up with. I believe God made and loves each and every one of us the exact way we were made. I believe that He knew we'd sin but I also believe that the way He created us He intended for us to be curious.

Once again I will talk about Adam and Eve by mark Twain:Imagine not knowing about anything till you see it, experience it. Imagine seeing something, then knowing what it is, but not before. Not even knowing it's exists before, let alone what it is. Imagine you're an adult, fully developed with cognitive reasoning skills but having only seen (therefore being aware of) a minute amount of physical exposures. Imagine that the first time you see something you learn all about it, you conduct experiments and you discover. Then one day you are told not to sin, or you'll die.

Ooo.. die. You've never heard of that, what is it? And sin? Well, you've never heard of that either. So, you do what you're not supposed to, and you do it because you want to learn. We are pretty curious, after all. God made us that way for a reason.

I'm pretty sure God knew we would sin, but he wanted us to know every joy there is to experience; and to have joy, you must have sorrow. To be able to live you must die. Makes sense, right? I don't know if he put us here with the intent of killing us... but how else would we get back to heaven? And why would we want to go there if everything was perfect here?

I believe that God loves us. I believe that if he didn't he wouldn't have cared about our experience here on earth, therefore not giving us the opportunity to be curious, and in doing so eliminating our free will, death, and pleasures of the flesh. He wouldn't have given us love, or beauty. He wouldn't have given us the ability to distinguish good from bad. He wouldn't have cared at all about how we felt or if we were happy. If God had wanted mindless drones worshiping Him without the ability to make a decision for them self He would have made just that: someone unable to chooses right from wrong, someone who wouldn't stray and then come back; someone who wouldn't have any desire to be part of something bigger than them self, someone who could care less about exploring the wonderful world set before them. But that's not what we are, and I believe that is how God intended it to be.

He gave us this beauty, and the ability to appreciate it. He gave us thrust for love and affection, so that we could experience pure bliss that only comes from loving someone else, and being loved in return. He gave us science and math, so we could understand the mastery and intricacy of his world. He gave us all of this, and we enjoy it; because that's one of his gifts to us.

Now, let me get to where I want to go. Did you know people really only have the ability to see what they've already seen. We have this amazing power of our minds

Side note: thank you radio lab for making my life complete. Check out this one if you're sort of confused by what I'm about to say, or just curious for more. What I'm about to talk about is 30 minutes or so in.

where we can change what we've seen and imagine them differently, but only to the extent of what we've already seen. It's hard to explain what I'm trying to say exactly, but It's like looking at red a car and imagining it being blue instead. We can do that because we've seen the car, and we've seen blue. Makes sense, right? Human minds are the only ones that have that capability. However, we can't imagine the car being something we've never seen. It's like imagining red when you're color blind. You can't imagine it because you've never seen it.

Remember in The Giver when Jonas first sees red, and he has no idea what it is? He is amazed to find out that the memories have elements present in his world of gray. It makes even the simplest of tasks such as getting dressed so much more complicated because there is now color to chooses from. Before the red he didn't care, but after it seemed like everything changed.

You following me?

Where I'm going with this is that we are the way we are for a reason. I believe everything was planned. I believe that God created what he did, and made us the way we are for a reason.I believe in love, and forgiveness. I believe that no matter who you are you can do good things, and you can do them well. I believe that no one should be ashamed of who they are, because that's how they were made, for a reason, by the big guy upstairs.

A while ago I was having a convo with David about how Adam and Eve was an unrealistic idea because of cells. They need nutrients to reproduce, and matter doesn't come from no where so they had to consume food in order to live, reproduce, and keep making more people. It's a scientific impossibility that something comes from nothing (as in more people, not the ones God created). Well this guy seems to prove that theory all wrong. Read the article, see for yourself.

It's mighty strange, but it does put a boost in my faith. Which is always a good thing.

a thought, some books, and texting

Talking about David makes me feel like shit. I apologise, it's just that no other word really fit in describing how I feel every time I think about him, and how I feel so much worse when that thought forms words that somehow make it to my mouth without me being able to stop them...

David is my friend, no matter what. And although we are no longer dating, I still have really strong feelings for him. Knowing that those feelings aren't reciprocated sucks.

So he and I are friends, and we hang out and do things and have lots of fun. This is not me living in a fantasy world, it's true. He and I have fun when were together, still. And when you are friends with someone you talk about them sometimes, right?

Well, every time I do I feel like the room gets quiet and people just kind of look at me and pity me. They feel bad that I still love him, and then it reminds me that I still love him and I feel like crap because I just talked about him. I think about him way to often for it to be healthy, and I feel like I can't help it. Almost everything reminds me of him, and if it doesn't make me sad, the thought of how I can't really rationalize calling/texting him the 15 times a day I think of something funny I'd like to share with him for fear of shaming myself into nonexistence (although nonexistence sometimes seems like a nice idea, if it could only be temporary) does make me sad. So then I'm sad, and I can't talk about him or to him and it sometimes feels like I'm not getting any better.

So I want to talk about Something that is wonderful, but it involves David; so I'm a little hesitant to do so. Even though I know you blog people can't really look at me while you read this, I feel like I can see your stares.

After my post about my hatred of "the man" involving the raising of the Sookie Stackhouse books David texted* me to say he has them all, in and will give them to me! I almost bought them this morning while shopping for my fathers day gift (Amazon seriously screws me over with the suggestions, I want everything). Fortunately I didn't buy it, I just saved it in my cart till later. Now, well soon, I'll have all the books. I can have them all with me for my vacation if I don't read them all by then, which I will try my hardest not to do.

side note: VACATION!!! So excited.

Not sure where we're going yet, I just know we're planning a beach, probably in SC. I like to imagine myself being drunk all day on the beach and having a vacation fling who wears pants that are far too tight. One sexy boy for me and one for Bobby!

I feel dumb, because David has made me so happy giving me theses books (I'm not pathetic, I just love reading). And when I think about telling people how happy I am, and where this happiness comes from I am afraid of the looks I will get. I'm afraid to feel stupid for letting David make me happy. But why should I? Why should I be ashamed of the fact that David and I broke up unconventionally and aren't angry at each other? We aren't, we're not even fighting at all. We didn't brake up because we hate each other, we broke up because we didn't want to start hating each other. We broke up to work on our relationship. And although he isn't interested in loving me like that anymore (or right now), he is interested in keeping me in his life. We are positive parts of each others life's, and although I get sad sometimes, I don't hate him. Why should I? I just miss his love, that's really all I'm not getting anymore.

* about the word "texted"... How do you pronounce it? I pronounce it tex-d not text-ed. Text-ed sounds illiterate to me. I legitimize it like this: banish/banished (not banish-ed). This isn't iambic-pentameter, we're not poets. I will never say text-ed, even if it becomes part of the dictionary. Just thought I'd put that out there, it annoys me when people say it, so so much.

I don't like coconut

I don't like coconuts, there I said it.

I don't know what it is, but they really just don't taste good to me.

Two years in a row David came back from vacation with a legit coconut, filled with rum, and probably illegal; which we drank it in shots. Then he tried to get me to eat some of the eatable part (meat?); and you know what?

Even though I was half drunk (which means I was on my way to having inactive taste buds) I still didn't like it. At all. Coconuts are gross.

See how yummy this looks? Don't be fooled, it's awful.

If you're not aware, I believe in eating food, even if you think you don't like it, just because taste buds change. And through this experimenting with food I have found that I can handle a jalapeno, I can eat other spicy things (like the hot salsa at El Camp, and horseradish) and not have my gums fall off; I enjoy tomatoes so much I don't really eat sandwiches without them anymore, and coconut is still not delicious.

It's sad really, because everything served with coconut looks yummy, and it usually smells good too. But then I take a bite, and I think to myself, "Hmm, well, it's still not good, not even just a little..." and then I hand the half bitten thing to someone who likes it. Usually my mom, she doesn't care that I give her something half eaten, She is a good mother.

Did I mention I'm in my early twenties? No? Well I am, and I still expect my mother to eat the gross things I don't want to.

I really am saddened by this lack of any positive feeling for coconut, because today I found a recipe that had coconut in it, and it looked really good. Then I remembered I don't like coconut, and feel that it ruins dishes that could have otherwise been quite yummy. And I came to my blog to vent about my disappointment in the world.

so pissed!

So in an effort to save myself a few dollars (I'm going on vacation at the end of JULY!!!) I decided to put off buying all 8 books in the Sookie Stackhouse series

Note: the series True Blood, otherwise known as my life force, is based on 

for 33ish dollars for my Kindle and decided to wait to make sure I wanted them and only bought the first book and had it sent to my house. The old fashioned way, like Vampire Bill. :)

Now, on my lunch break today I started reading it,and you know what? I love it. Like oober love it. Like more than the shows, can't wait to get to the dirty, sexy, vampire/dog people/insanity that is true blood scenes love it. I once spent about $23 dollars to have the True Blood soda shipped to my house, I watched a whole first season in less than a week and wanted more. I love it so gosh darn much, reading the books was bound to excite me. 

And today, after my lunch break of blissful reading I went on Amazon only to find that the price has jumped over $20, it's now $56... So angry!!!!!!!

I might as well buy it in paper back, it's cheaper ($36) , and books don't run out of batteries. Or stop working when they get wet. Although a Kindle is easier to clean if you get crumbs in it, since I can't really read all day long without stuffing something into my mouth.  

This Picture is so sexy I can't handle it.

God I love True Blood.