Friday, August 20, 2010

if music be the food of love

One of my favorite things about myself is my music, it's my voice, and it's one of the ways I express how I feel.

Something I love about myself

I love my voice.

I'm a great singer, I always have been. It's one of the main reasons I started out in school for music (the other being I love teaching/learning... mix those two together and you get music ed! simple math strikes again). I can probably sing better than most people you know, and when I practice often it's even better.

I wasn't sure what I was going to write about here, but on the way to work I decided to sing a bit and I was surprised by how great it sounded. I was sitting down for Pete's sake, sitting down and singing well don't usually go hand in hand, but I naturally sit pretty straight, especially when driving, so it's not that much of a surprise. What was a surprise was how beautiful it was. I was singing my favorite song that I've ever sung in my entire life, pie jesu. I sang it my last semester in music school, which I guess is somewhat symbolic now, since it's a funeral song. But God, it's wonderful. And I sound wonderful singing it.

What I love about this song, and myself singing it, is that there is such a lift in my soul. There is a lift in my soul when I sing anything well, or when I just sing for real in general (imagine fat lady singing with horns on her head... that's where i get the most joy. Don't get me wrong, I love me a good show tune, but I'll sing a classical ballad like my life depended on it). And that lift, that love I have for the music coming directly out of my person is what I love most about myself. I love that I have this gift, I love that I can love something that much and never lose it. I love it.

I loved music in a way that when I was in school for it I lost that feeling. I lost the ability to have it be special to me. Music was everywhere, but the passion was lost for me in the shuffle. I no longer felt connected, I felt over worked, with no real benefit. No soul uplifting moments. It was all work, and nothing fun anymore. Maybe that's the real reason I lost my desire to go... I wasn't getting the joy out of it anymore, and in taking the joy out of the music in my life, everything else didn't matter.


  1. "There is a lift in my soul when I sing anything well, or when I just sing for real in general...And that lift, that love I have for the music coming directly out of my person is what I love most about myself."

    I feel the same way when I do something well. Especially when I do it for others. I feel that "lift in my soul".

    Nice blog. ^^,

  2. I know exactly what you mean about studying music in school. I got out of it as soon as I realized what was happening. Best decision of my life. It's like everything just fell into place and I met my musical brothers shortly after. When doing something you love turns into work, it's passion fades away and is replaced by a sense of loathing. I love creating music too much to ever let that happen.

  3. I love music and I sing all the time, mostly when I know I won't be heard. People have told me before that I have a nice voice and that I sing very well, but I never felt very confident about it. Mind you,I don't feel confident about pretty much anything. So I was wondering, how did you find in yourself that confidence that made you say "yeah, I'm good at this!"?

  4. It's not so much confidence, as lack of fear. I desire to perform. I love the rush of being on stage. You'll find that most performers say they get stage fright, but it's almost an addiction for them. Yes it's nerve racking, yes people will judge you; but that first bit of positive feed back is all it takes to make you want more. I now it started early, I remember singing in school before I could read. I auditioned for solos and I always seemed to get them. I went to private school and teachers from local schools would come to some of the performances for family and such and music teachers, composers, people who had doctorates in music told me I was really good, at 13, at 10. It just grew from there. In high school I had people I stood next to in choir tell me i was good. You hear it enough you're fear dissolves.

    And remember, putting on a show is different from giving a speech. When you're on stage you're acting, you're someone else. It's also a good way to hide. I am afraid of public speaking like everyone else, but if I were to sing to you, my voice would barely shake.

  5. I get that feeling you were talking about- the lack of joy, the being overworked, the "it's all work and no fun anymore" feeling often.. but with dance. it's so hard some days to go to class or rehearsals because I stop enjoying dancing. I forget whey I love it. I just keep hoping it'll all be worth it in the end. :-/