Tuesday, August 31, 2010


My first therapy appointment was today, and although according to my mother whatever happens in there is my business and my business only; according to me if I don't blog about it, it didn't happen.


Sort of.

If I don't blog about it I don't have to talk about it with anyone I don't want to because no one has proof that anything happened... therefore it didn't happen.

I'm not telling you what that was about. It didn't happen. So shut up.

Back to therapy.

I think that I have a God complex... I also think I have control issues.



I like to drive. I like to drive because I like to control every single step of the journey that can be controlled, such as when I arrive, the rout I take, and most importantly, when I leave. I get nervous when other people drive for a few reasons. 1) I'm almost positive that they will kill me with their poor driving skills and inability to pay attention to the road and the radio and whatever else they think is more important than protecting my life. And 2) I can leave when I want to. I've decided this stems from the fact that I have no idea recently where my life is going and so I'm overcompensating for lack of direction in my life with the physical need to have complete control over where I'm going.

I also hate asking for help because I think that I should be able to take care of everything for myself by myself. I regularly have to tell myself that God put other people here to make our lives easier, and I can't do everything. That doesn't mean I don't experience a huge inner turmoil any time I have to ask anyone for anything.

These are my observations; the therapist didn't day these things. I decided them on my own (I, Denise, aka God).

Seriously though, I feel so much better. I said some things about my relationship with David that I hadn't ever thought before because she helped me get to them. She helped me see that the light at the end of the tunnel is real, and it's not just a fabrication of my imagination and that although my relationship with David is over, it's still really fresh (magnified by the fact that I haven't purged him from my life (and no, I don't want to either, I don't think it's the right decision) and that I have never been in love and had a conventional break up which makes this one all the more difficult because not only does it not make sense to me (or David) but to anyone else because they're not us.) and the stress and pain I'm experiencing isn't a sign of weakness, it's normal. I'm normal...

She noted that most/all of my stress is money related (yea...). I personally know I have issues with lazy people, I have issues with people who don't pay their own way in the world, people who are unwise with money or who use me for the fact that I'm not. I hate people who expect me to pay for them, or who make me feel used (I don't want to go into it now, but I've been used a lot in my life, by a lot of different people. It basically sucks). I hate the fact that I lost my second job and my savings is a distant memory. I hate the fact that I had to rely on my savings; but in reality I should be grateful for my ability to save like I did when I could, I should be proud of myself. People save for emergencies, losing a job is an emergency. I was prepared, I should be proud.

We talked about how I eat when I’m stressed, and how I hate that I've gained weight. We talked about how I'm really aware of my body and my emotions and my life, and how although I let everything I didn't want to deal with slip by the wayside (note: why David and I broke up) I'm seeing the problems and making the necessary steps to correct them.

I like therapy. I really do. I like that I'm taking the steps necessary to become the person I always wanted to be.


  1. Hmm...interesting to read that. I have similar control issues (although they are not driving-related coz I don't have a car). However, I like to be in control of everything else that's going on in my life...when I can't do anything about something, I get really nervous. I guess it's because my parents divorced when I was about 11. I stayed with my mum and my brother, and my father...well, he pretty much left us (or that's how I took it) and established a nice family of his own.

    I also have issues with food...serious ones...which leads to me being very, very aware of my body. I know that there are loads of people who have been through much more than me so I try to deal with my life as it is and be thankful for what I have. But it's human to loose the track once in a while...life is more about creating yourself than finding yourself...

    Good luck with your therapy...

  2. It's horrible to release your savings, I released my savings last week, they're all gone. It took about three days for it to all disappear.

    Therapy is good, you can talk about yourself without having to ask "Anyway, how are you?", and don't pretend things didn't happen, if you're allocated a certain number of sessions with your therapist just get it all out there! Tell them everything and anything, from your biggest secret down to how pissed off you are that you burnt the toast. It helps!

    -- Lora xx

  3. I'm with you on the whole driving thing. I assume everyone else on the road is an idiot, too. In fact, my mom was the one who gave me that advice when I was really little. I said to her, "But mom! That's prejudice!" I had a lot to learn.

  4. Its highly possible that you have the other half of my brain.

    I am a control freak. I hate riding in the car with anyone besides my husband. I feel like everyone on the road is out to run me over.

    If I feel out of control, I have panic attacks.

    Being low on money freaks me out so bad. It is a HUGE contributor to my stress levels.

  5. Denise, Thanks for stopping by my blog yesterday. I quickly looked at some of your posts and realized we have blogged about many of the same things, so I will be following now so I can back read and hopefully read your progress.

    I am glad therapy is something you enjoyed. And I can totally relate to the breakup stress and the no money stress. Those things are HUGE.