Monday, August 30, 2010

just breathe

As summer packs up and heads south for the winder and Autumn unpacks it's sleeping bag and gets ready to stay a while I find find myself just walking slowly wherever I'm going and smelling the leaves change (yes, I can smell it).

There is a spot I park my car during lunch that is surrounded by greenery and I can sit there the whole hour with my windows rolled down and my seat leaning back and just breathe. Just noting the smells of nature and enjoying the slight change from day to day. No, I could never live in the city. I need the green stuff.

Day 4 of the 30 days of truth is about forgiveness once again, and since I have had all week to think about this one I was hoping it would be beyond awesome. I was hoping to write something resembling prose you'd expect to see in Gods diary. But you want to know something? I am not sure that I have anyone I need to forgive. I mean, I remember the things wrongly done to be, but I'm sort of the mindset that taking things as they are is the best, and if someone is sorry I forgive them. If they're not, I don't.

Recently my "best friend" (I'm using quotations because that's how I feel about him right now) told me that he "couldn't be my friend right now because he couldn't understand me or relate to me." And since this is my blog and not his I won't tell you about his dirty laundry, but recently he was lower than I am, a lot lower; and even though I couldn't directly relate to him I never once gave up on him. I wanted to, it was hard being his friend when all he was doing was lying to me and pushing me away, but I saw through his facade and I knew he needed me, so I was there.

Now, when the rolls are switched he basically puts everything on me, as usual, because he "isn't the rock that I am". It hurts to know that the "best friend" I've had for 6 years doesn't want to try to be there for me in my first real time of need since we've been friends. It hurts to know that he purposefully ignored me because he didn't know what to say to me. It hurts even more that he is trying to make me feel guilty for relying on other friends who don't ignore me and are willing to try to understand. He hurts my feelings on a weekly basis and makes me feel like some sort of freak for acting irrationally because my emotions are all over the place; not that I don't wish I could control them better, I do. And the worst part of it all, is that he isn't sorry. He doesn't want to have to change. He doesn't respect me and he thinks that because I'm normally an overly giving individual he can guilt me into submission and I'll come crawling back begging forgiveness for made up transgressions that are really just me deciding that I'm worth more than a friend who is there when he wants to be and not when I need him.

Something you have to forgive someone for

So, Bobby, I forgive you for hurting me like you have recently. I forgive you for being unsure of how to handle my situation and not being able to give me the adequate support I expected because you're not me.

But I don't forgive you for how you've continued to hurt me. I don't forgive you for giving up on me. I don't forgive you for walking all over me and trying to make me sorry for things that I should be proud of.

I'm sorry you don't see me like I saw you those times you were down. I'm sorry you can't tell me how great I am like the times I told you how wonderful you are. I'm sorry you're not who I thought you were. That's actually what I'm most sorry for.

1 comment:

  1. Firstly: Totally agree with whole city living thing. I work in the city but live in the countryside, it's so hectic, i find myself hunting for a good lunch spot, trying to find that one tree and small patch of grass to grab a few quiet moments. I don't know how people can live like that!

    Secondly: I know how it feels to have someone not return your kindness. You have given him the time and patience so why shouldn't he do the same. It's disappointing when you are let down by a close friend.