So, it's been two weeks since I have been to therapy and a lot longer since I did a therapy post. Since then lots has happened emotionally, let me elaborate:
I have told David I'm over him, and I gave him a list of things he did/does that just don't work for me. He got angry with me for how I approached the conversation; so, after me crying a bunch, us getting pissed at each other (he pissed at me for what I said, me pissed at him for being pissed at me... so I said more mean things... it's a circle of love I tell ya) and finally coming to the conclusion that not only can we never be together because our communication skills are nearly nonexistent (that's what happens when you get one moderately awkward person (me) and a really really awkward person (him) together) but also that we ignored all the other little stuff that wasn't so good because we loved each other so freaking much that we weren't really willing to admit that it wasn't/couldn't work. And I did say we.
No matter what you take out of this know that David and I really did love each other. And the love didn't go away, it just had to change because we, together, as a couple do. not. work.
Another thing that has happened is I think I'm starting to get back, to me. To myself. To the person I've always been but that got pushed aside because I didn't know how to be her and what I was at the same time. My therapist says my inferences are "interesting"... I hope that means in a good way. I noticed that people are asking for my advice again. I'm the rock, literally, in almost every single relationship I've ever been in. I'm the one people go to when they need good advice; and someone that they know won't judge or belittle them, no matter what. People look to me as someone they can rely on, someone they can relate too, and someone who knows what they are talking about (and if I don't I keep my mouth shut till I know, you really won't get bad advice from me). I'm loyal and accepting and full of compassion. But for a really long time I wasn't.
I'd lost confidence in myself and my ability to help. I pushed away so many people and so many opportunities to help because I could barely keep myself up, let alone help others. You'd be surprised how good it can make you feel giving people sound advice and knowing that they 1. know you care and 2. think you're right. I know that my real confidence has to come from within, but all this positive feedback I'm getting from the people in my life is really helping.
The last thing she and I talked about is that through match dot com and coming to terms with David and the break up I am getting a really really good idea of what I want from a future partner. I know that 22 isn't that old in the scheme of things, and since I am getting a handle on all the things I want from myself, from life, from someone I choose to share myself and my life with I may be ahead in the game... which in the long run could put me behind because I'm so over settling for something that is only mostly right I could possibly never ever find anyone I think it'll work with. or not, you never know, I may find the one.
Either way, I'm learning about myself, how I work and what I want. That's pretty important. You can't get what you want without knowing it first, and you can't find the love of your life if you're not in love with yourself first.
Edit: hahaha, I love when I plan on writing about something but totally forget. One of my match dot com lovers is pretty boss. I told my therapist all the reasons I like him, her eyes literally lit up because she knows how important some of the things he does are to me. She said he may just be a keeper, I think I may just agree.
Now go vote for the giveaway, if you don't I'll find you in your sleep. And it won't be good...