Saturday, September 25, 2010

becoming me... only better

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know

This is sort of difficult because I don't know if I want to say that I wish I didn't know someone... and I may not be willing to admit that I should let someone go.

I believe that every person you come into contact with helps shape who you are as a person, so I will go ahead and stop the last bit right. There is no one I know that I wish I didn't, because I like who I am and they all helped me become who I am.

So, that leaves someone I need to let go. And I don't know... I have this thing where I sort of push away slowly the people I'm not fond of, and the ones I keep around I do for a reason. 

Oh, I got it!

I would like to let go of the depressed person living in my body lately. I want to learn from her what I'm supposed to, but then let her go completely. I want her to leave and never come back. I want her to teach me how to not be her, and then I want to never be her again. 

That was easier than I made it. I go far deeper into these things than a lot of the other bloggers I read. I'm not complaining, I think I'm the type of person who analyzes something till there is almost no room for confusion... no room for further questions. 

So I guess that's what I'll do now with this. 

Why I want to not be who I am right now (on the inside, as in my crazy emotional imbalances, lack of ability to sleep, and anxiety out the wazoo). 

I don't like feeling like no one wants to be around me, I want to not care. I want to be confident in my self worth, with no need for outside validation, and I don't have that right now. I want to look in the mirror and see the good things, because although if I look really hard I can sort of see them, I don't want to have to look hard. I want to know they are there, inherently, because they are I'm just having trouble seeing them. 

I want to react normally to things. I know that you can't control your emotions any more than you can your hormones... (with medicine it's possible, but do I want that?) but I want to be able to react without overreacting to everything. I want to have time to think about things without my body flying off the handle like it has for some time now. I don't want to cry so often, I want to be able to handle my emotions in a more productive way, because my eyes burn and I get headaches when I cry. I never used to cry this much, and crying by yourself just makes you feel more pathetic (cue another crying session). My emotions used to be more regular, now they are always doing something I can't understand. I want to react rationally, I like being rational. Being rational makes sense, I can be confident in the rational decisions I make, I can’t do that with irrational ones.   

I want to learn what caused this (I could list them now, but I won't) and learn how to not let a similar succession of events lead me to this place again. I want to learn to deal with stress in a positive way without hiding from it. I want to see the light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel, because it's there, I know it.

Depression happens to everyone, it is just more severe when you don't do anything about it; I can't not do anything about it ever again. I won't be this girl ever again. I need to let her go.


  1. You are definitely doing a great job. All the self examination is hard work, but you are doing it anyway and in the end that is hugely important to who you become.

  2. Sometimes the hardest thing to get rid of is the part of ourselves that we know isn't good. I've had to let go of depression before too - It's easier replace it with joy. Find a source and cling to it. :) Good luck.