Thursday, September 9, 2010

someone I'm better for knowing

Throughout this 30 days of truth adventure I've found that my posts sort of write themselves, and the best ones use little to no premeditation because lets be honest, the stuff in my head is best when I don't have too much time to think about it and just word vomit all over the world and you readers get to sift out the beautiful pieces.

Word vomit, yum.

However, I was a naughty girl and started to write this post yesterday only to find that not only did it suck, it really sucked. And so did I. I sucked, so I had to stop writing. That was yesterday, I have slept since then (not well though, I have a terrible crick now from a strange position I found mid night and I can't turn my head to the left which made driving this morning rather hard since most of my merges were accompanied by lots of neck pain. God I'm old) and I am fresh from my V8 splash and ready to write.

Someone who has made my life worth living

If I begin by saying that this is almost the most stupid question here than maybe you'll think I'm being weird, I mean everyone has that certain person who changed them for good... but made my life worth living crosses a line I will draw for you.

Here is my life, right here the way it is. Over there is a person who makes this place over here worth existing... without that person my life over here isn't worth anything all by it's lonesome. I, me here in my life, can't imagine living without this one solitary person... therefore I refuse to do it without them. It just wouldn't be worth it.

See what I'm saying? It basically makes me feel like I shouldn't have a reason to live if it weren't for this imaginary person I can't think of or name, mainly because if it isn't me than I can't think of anyone.

Instead, because this is my blog and I'm amazing, I'd rather write about people who have had a huge positive impact on my life, and I'll describe a little of how I'm better for knowing them. That's what the seventh truth should be: someone I'm better for knowing.

I'll start with the most profound change I went through. Bobby, my best friend who I go up and down about almost as many times as I blink, is the main reason I can not only love the way I do, but accept and see people for the individual beautiful things that they are. Bobby is gay. When he and I met we sort of hit it off almost instantly. He was trying to date my friend and I was there to either approve of him or say he was lame. instead, he and I ended up dating and falling in love. Not only was he my first love, but he has shown me that just because you're in romantic love with someone that doesn't mean you have to stay that way forever. When he told me he was gay I chastised him because I was ignorant and hateful. I told him things I'd rather forget. I was horrible, and I didn't understand. He loved me the best way he could, which didn't involve romance. And I loved him in a different way, and it took a long way for me to realize not only that he couldn't change it, but I shouldn't ask him too. He is amazing just the way he is, and being gay isn't a sin just like being straight isn't a sin. I was lucky enough to be forced to look at homosexuality from the stand point of someone who was so in love with the person I couldn't just hate him. If it weren't for him I'd never have done the research I've done (as a christian and a scientist) and come to the knowledge that it's really just outdated thinking that homosexuality is a choice and that gay people have just as much choice as straight people. The Bible was written back when people had no concept oh cellular development and DNA and therefore no ability to fully understand things like homosexuality.

Which just means that since the church is looking at the Bible like irrefutable fact (verses just a general guideline as to how we should live our lives: love) you should realize that God helped us discover science for a reason, so we could use it and appreciate his creatures for what they are, not hate them for what they're not. God is love, and love doesn't do hateful things. I see that now, because Bobby was willing to stick with me through that learning process and he loved me enough to take the crap I dealt him while my eyes were opened.

The next people I'm better for knowing are my parents. Although they divorced when I was six, I've learned a lot from them together and separate. From my mother I learned to be mostly self reliant; and that no one can help you if you're not trying. I learned that women are not only just as capable as men, but you have to to more just to be on the same level. She showed me that education is the most important thing and no matter how many road blocks you face along the way as long as you know where you're going you'll be able to get there with faith (in yourself and God). My father showed me that life isn't worth living if you can't be happy; and if someone or something is directly interfering with your right to be happy, you have the right to get rid of it. My parents love me, no matter how much they don't want to be together; and when you're young and your parents divorce, knowing that they both love you unconditionally and want you to be happy is really important. They taught me that my individuality is something to embrace and celebrate; and although I never really fit in with my other two sisters, I still have a very important place in the family. I'm really lucky to have grown up with those two for parents, not to mention my cute cheek bones from my mother and my great hair from my dad.

Ellen, you're the last person I'm going to talk about here and you sort of fit into the category of people that have made my life worth living and people who have changed me in a profound way. Firstly, it's freaking weird how were in the exact situation at the same time and we have these earth shattering realizations within moments of each other. However, I love that about us. Having you here to lean on recently has not only kept me going, but seeing that you're here too makes it more bearable. No one is as wonderful as you are (yes I'm crying right now typing this to the blog world, but mostly to you). You've shown me that strength is from within, and with each step more hard things come, but that happiness is never anyone eles responsibility and I can do it all. Your faith in me gives me faith in me. You make me get out of bed and off my ass because there are a lot of days I'd just go home and do nothing but bask in self loathing if it weren't for you. You see the potential in me when I can't. You make me feel normal (to an extent, we all know I'm not that normal). You help me see hope. You've helped me reconnect with the world when I didn't see it. You show me that girls really are better than boys... and I love your friends and I love you for including me in that group of wonderful women I never would have know without you. You're helping me see that the girl I really a on the inside is not only worth loving, but can live without the one guy I thought I would have to... basically, through you and your awesomeness I see that I too am awesome.

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