Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I know that no mater who you are there is someone from your past who just isn't a part of your present. It sucks, but It's life. People grow up and out of each other and through facebook we'll occasionally stalk people but never really "get around to" making that connection again. So we live in regret, but we don't reach out. Because people change, and although you liked someone then you might not like them now, or worse they won't like you now. After all, I know I've changed a bunch since I've last seen some of my friends from high school, I don't doubt that most of them have changed too.
But there is one, one particular person who I connected with, at least I thought I had, who isn't here now. And I don't call him. Because I'm afraid that he doesn't like me anymore, even though I honestly have no way of knowing, unless I were to call and find out... but like I said, I'm afraid.
Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted
He and I met freshman year in gym class and he was one of the first friends I made in high school. I came from a private school, with only 17 in my whole grade so public school was an interesting change foe me. Kyle was one of the only boys in my class who talked to me, and he was hilarious. Most of my memories with him involve copious amounts of laughter. He was always joking, and since I knew no one it was a welcome relief to have someone with similar interests and a great sense of humor.
He played the piano for me for almost everything I ever sang in school, and he introduced me to new composers I now favor above most others. He laughed with me when I made mistakes, he taught me to play twinkle twinkle little star on the cello... he was my prom date for a while there, but he and I decided to go with other people, since I wanted to go with a boy I fancied and he wanted to go with a good friend of his and her brother. I literally balled during his senior song, on stage, in front of everyone. It was sad, I missed him then.
After we graduated we hung out a few times, I learned he was gay and I wasn't surprised, just saddened he hadn't told me sooner. I met his boyfriend and I saw him changing. He started smoking (something most musicians will not do) and I saw him changing more. I can't remember the last time I saw him, I'm sure it was great, I don't have a bad memory of us together at all, I just wish I had more. And I wish I could look forward to making more.
Something weird happened between him and a person we both knew. A girl I'm not particularly fond of becasue of the things she has done to me in the past, and long story short she told a friend of mine that Kyle didn't really want to be my friend, he just hung put with me because he felt bad for me. It turns out this is a lie, I typed him a facebook message and he replied that he and I were the kind of friends that last through time, and although we don't see each other that often he still considers me a great friend, and he would never think or say anything like that.
I've been noticing through my therapy and through just paying attention to my emotions more lately that a huge problem I have is self confidence, and the presence of so many insecurities. I may not seem insecure, but I have feelings all the time that people just don't like me, or they don't want me around. This is a big part of my anxiety and depression. I'm afraid to call people, my friends who I see all the time because I think that if they didn't call me they must be busy or not want to talk to me... obviously this isn't true, it's just how I feel. ALL THE TIME.
I'm pretty sure that's the last conversation I ever had with him. Kyle didn't like the phone so we never really talked on it before, so I remember leaving him a few messages letting him know I'm available and would like to see him but he never called back. And I got nervous that he didn't like me anymore and I stopped calling... Now I miss him, I miss him so much. I miss his laugh and his ability to make me feel beautiful and talented. I miss singing with him and playing games. I miss everything. So so much. But I'm afraid, I'm afraid it's been too long and I'm afraid I don't matter anymore. And I can't risk confirming those fears.