I wanted to clear the air. Yesterday was a bad one, probably the worst I've felt in a while. The no sleep thing, it's not healthy. I know people talk about 8 hours a night, but I'm different. I need 9 (sleep cycles are 90 minutes long, 9 hours means 6 full cycles, you (I) wake up refreshed) and I'm a morning person because I know about when to wake up, by body just does it for me. When I don't sleep enough (or at all) I'm not only crabby beyond belief; but everything becomes a huge deal, and I suck at life. I can't handle things and I can't see anything for what it truly is. I'm in a glass cage of emotions... and it really isn't a good place to be.
Last night I went to bed at about eight o'clock, and because it's was fully dark and I haven't really slept properly since July I was able to sleep. On nights where I do sleep I don't remember my dreams.
Did you know that the ability to remember your dreams is a genetic mutation? It's like the ability to digest milk. Humans aren't supposed to do that stuff. Some day ask me about memory, it's fantastically interesting. You'll be surprised. Radio lab anyone?
So I slept. Hard. I hate sleeping that hard because I wake up feeling like a rock with sore muscles. But I feel rested. Today I feel rested.
Yesterday I was thinking about the amount of time I feel normal in my brain related to the time I feel not normal... and I came up with 85:15. Feeling not normal 85% of the time is a lot, and it's not good. The world my brain creates for me is one where I feel nervous a lot, and I feel like no one wants me and I'm always out of place. I also decided that the amount of time I spend acting on my crazy whims v.s acting "normal" is more like 50:50... which is better, but still not good.
I miss the days where I was confident and enjoyed my alone time. I miss not wanting to hit everyone around me for just existing. I'm working on it though, and since my therapist has decided that weekly appointments are a good thing, I shall be attending my helper angel weekly... hopefully I'll get better soon.
Good things: I was super productive yesterday. I have time at work to make phone calls (which is good, because I get paid to pay bills, call people, schedule appointments... and since there is a lot of down time (hence this fabulous blog) I can get things done. Unless I procrastinate. Which is something I do when faced with a stressful situation. Remember the $600+ quote I got to fix my car? Well, I know a guy through my grandmother who has his own travel mechanic thing (he calls me darlin', I love that) and he said he could do the work for about $150... he's on his way to my work right now to fix it.
lesson here: never do what 1 mechanic quotes you at. Always look around. This guy has done work on my car before, and it's always fast (he does it in the parking lot of my work, I don't have to do anything different) and really good. The mechanics try to get you for everything you're worth. Don't let them, and don't act stupid. I don't know everything about cars, but I know who to ask and the mechanics don't walk all over me because they know I'm smarter than that, and won't tolerate it. I'm a 21 year old woman not an idiot, and when you pay attention to what they are saying and relate it to what you know is wrong with your car, you'll be set. When the two mechanics look at each other and raise heir eyebrows at you saying you're smart you know you've caught them off guard. Catch people off guard. Be smart. Don't act like a ditsy girl, act like the smart woman you are.
Aside from getting my car stuff handled yesterday I recently received a bill from the hospital in the mail for over $200 from when I had my freak kidney infection last year. They had submitted it to a collection agency (meaning I would have to pay interest on it and it was negatively affecting my credit score I'm trying desperately to make better) and I wanted to know why since I had initially set up a payment plan for it, but when I stopped receiving bills I stopped paying, obviously. Well, the guy at the hospital apologised for the mistake, withdrew it from the collection company, and set the payment plan back up. He couldn't explain why they had discontinued billing me. Another thing taken care of.
I probably haven't mentioned this, but in December of 2008 I was in a car accident. My friend was driving. My mother (the on top of it person that she is) finally told me that she was getting calls about it... from the company I've worked for for the past year and a half. So I handled most of that yesterday too. I'm just waiting on the hospital to mail me something so I can send it to the insurance company and it'll also be off my credit score as something bad and I can sleep easier at night.
Finally taking care of these things are probably why I was able to sleep last night, taking a substantial amount of stress off my shoulders means that the things I have to keep me awake at night aren't as negative.
I don't know if I have a conclusion to this post other than nothing is as bad as it seems and everything will work out as long as you keep trying. I have to know that giving up isn't an option, and I'm stronger, smarter, and more capable than I give myself credit for. I'm not crazy, I just feel crazy sometimes; and I can get past it, I can get over it. As one of the comments said from yesterday, it's isn't always rainbows and sunshine, you won't always be happy or sane or know what to do. But it's never always bad. And there is hope, even if you have to look somewhere else completely to see it.