I didn't feel loved... and now I just feel pathetic

Have you ever been talking to someone about something you've talked about plenty of times before; then you accidentally say something that makes so much more sense than anything you've said on the subject before? That happened to me last night and I felt like a complete genius and a total boob at the same time... been there? Me too...
I quit college in the middle of my second year... A lot of things happened such as my mother didn't do her taxes right and didn't tell me, therefore I was accepted for student loans which were then denied mid semester... that was awesome. A long list of incidents made me second guess my choice to attend U of A and after that long list the student aid thing was the final straw to break my back.

When I was a youngster I attended private school, for 9 years I went there and I loved it. I loved my friends, I love my teachers, I loved being in such a small group of kids the whole time. My 8th grade class had 17 people in it, and that's only because we got 3 new students hat year, if it weren't for then we'd of only had 14... and that would have been fine with me.

I was like the big girl on campus... well, as big as you can be at 14. I was a starter for the basketball team, a volleyball captain, I was in all the choirs and the band... I got almost every solo because I was the best singer. I was a freaking Cheer leader for Pete's sake. I was living on cloud 9; and everyone cared about me. All the teachers, all my classmates parents, everyone. Everyone cared about my well being and happiness, I'm not joking here.

My 8th grade teacher got my then boyfriend and me together by telling him exactly what to say. he was in 7th grade and we never talked, but I'm not lying when I say he was defiantly the hottest guy I ever frenched kissed without knowing a thing about him.

French Kissing: how awkward is that shit? I mean, now it's no big, but then? It was like you licked each others mouth till you couldn't hold your breath anymore, then you'd pull apart and breath like you'd been running and wipe the spit off your face. Maybe that was just me. Kissing is so much better now that I know how, but you have to start somewhere, right?

So, after being in school for 9 years with all the same people who cared a lot about me and my well being I was thrust into high school, and because of my intellect and creativity I was in classes with more people who cared about me. I was in band which was like a family, the teachers and students all my favorite ever. I was in choir and once again because I had talent the teachers paid attention. My sophomore year my teacher Mrs. Taylor made me feel so important and special, it's no wonder I decided music Ed was my life's goal.

I'm going to be honest with you and myself here when I say I know I'd still make an awesome teacher. It really was just the University of Akron that made it almost impossible for someone like me to succeed. There, I said it. I regret not staying, but I just couldn't anymore...

In my other academic classes I was with fewer children than the regular or CP classes because Honors and AP just generally have less kids, therefore the teachers could pay more individual attention and I still felt loved. I'm not being cliche here, my teachers all loved me. And I love them, more than I realized. And I needed them, more than I was willing to admit. So I had great teachers who helped me succeed because I was willing and eager, then I went to college.

I went to a school designed to ween out the people who didn't want to be there. I was blocked out of multiple classes after they let 2 of the three people on the waiting list in... I never got a clear cut answer from a guidance councilor and then when I took initiative to do what I thought was best I got yelled at in front of my entire class.

After my freshman year I tried out for the more advanced choir and although I was good enough I didn't get in. Politics is a huge thing in college, and if the choir director doesn't like you you're fucked. She didn't like me... I was fucked.

I didn't like that no one wanted me to succeed but myself, I wasn't used to people trying to hold me back. I didn't feel like fighting the man, the man usually wins, I don't like fighting to begin with. So I stopped fighting.

Now I'm here, in this place where I'm not very happy doing something I don't really like because people didn't want me to do the thing I really did like and I have debt to overcome before I can start down the other road. I want to go to school for nursing. I want to go because it's a 20 month program and when I finish that I can move anywhere and have a job. I can make a difference in peoples lives an I can have a schedule that allows for parenting or not...

There is my story. Epiphanies have ways of making me feel like poo sometimes.

i can kill with a smile and warm with my eyes...

Having someone have a crush on you is huge for your ego, especially when you've felt like you're not worth loving for a while.

A person I've been seeing, more friends than not, makes me feel great. He compliments my cooking, he says I'm fun to watch, he is great to laugh with. It's really nice after feeling like something was wrong with me for a really long time.

I'm in a great mood today, and although I'm sitting at work thinking about all the other important stuff I could be doing, I'm just going t have to wait till 4...

Last night I bought a ton of food for us to take so we can spend out money on activities instead of eating... I made my favorite kind of mac and cheese, I bought stuff for pancakes and pre-made cinnamon rolls and instant oatmeal. We have a room with a stove top in it so I can make bacon and eggs too. And french toast. I think I'm more excited about having the time to cook every day than anything else.

This man friend of mine loved the mac and cheese, he is vastly impressed with my mad cooking skillz. It's nice to be appreciated. It's nice to be wanted. It's nice to feel beautiful and sexy again. It's been a really long time. Even before David and I broke up I rarely felt like he thought I was wonderful, we were on the rocks, but still. Feeling that way sucks.

Happy Wednesday. This will be me in about 20 hours!

what did girls do before they had a gay best friend?

I'm a day away from embarking on my first un-family vacation ever with none other then my gay best friend. I'm getting anal retentive and I have three pages of lists in front of me ranging from things to buy, things to pack, things to cook to eat while down there, to what spf sunscreens I'll be applying in 5 minute intervals and a diagram of my body and the most sun sensitive areas. Kidding, slightly. That list is in my head. I am excited I don't have to worry about making a flight appropriate bag since we'll be driving because I refuse to be without reliable transportation for more than a day.

Have I talked about my over obsessive need for a car? I need to drive, everywhere, so I can leave when I want to. If I go on a date with a guy I'll usually meet him somewhere or drive to him. Always having an exit strategy is one of the biggest things I can preach. Always be prepared, and leave the place cleaner then you found it: girl scouts of america.

Bobby, my best friend who happens to be gay is my soul mate, so to speak. He is pissed we're not flying, but you know what? I don't care. He'll be glad when we get there and have a car we don't have to rent. Also, I haven't seen him since I got back from NY and that was only for about 3 minutes because I didn't realize he'd be so busy so I just hung out with David since I'm a girl and I'm stupid.

I like this picture for a couple reason:
1. Its washed out so you can't tell I'm unnaturally pale,
and 2. My hair looks great.
 Love-a the Dave Matthews.

Bobby, my heart, my breath, my life, is the best thing that ever happened to me. And I need him. I don't know what girls did before they had gay best friends...

Who dressed them? Who went to weddings with them? Who got drunk with them on Tuesday nights and fell asleep spooning them on the couch after watching 5 DVD"s of Will and Grace?

Who did they go shopping with? Who got things for them off of tall shelves? Who did they go to restaurants with and talk too loudly about the other people around them with?

Who did they lose their virginity too? A Straight guy?

If you lost your virginity to a straight guy I'm sorry, because he probably didn't love you... unless you' were married, then just move part this bit of italicized text and smile because you're lucky. If you are a female and lose your v-card to a gay guy that means he loved you enough to try to make everything work with you. He loved you enough to give up the idea of being happy with Prince Charming and wanted to choose you because you're wonderful. And although the sight of your vagina was enough to send him completely over the edge, you were special enough for him to try. Good for you. Don't let that one slip away, gay guys are the best.

Gay best friends are just better. They like the girlie things like shopping, WaG, cooking... they are super clean and smell lovely. But they are better than a girl because they tell you when they are mad instead of telling everyone but you (guilty), they can fix things and build things. They can carry lots of groceries and reach things that are too high up. They are better than boyfriends because you don't have to have sex with them to keep them happy, they love you for you. They are amazing.

In reality the only person in my life that I'm not related to that I can see myself with in 50 years is Bobby. We've talked about moving to another state together, or even France.

if we move there he is buying me Rosetta Stone, because I can understand French when he speaks it at me because I know his speech patterns so well, but I'd need to learn on my own... hey, free Rosetta Stone!

Life without Bobby wouldn't be a life worth living, and I'm really excited to pop our Myrtle Beach cherries together. Back to making my crazy lists... I think I need to re-copy them so they are neater.

match.com doesn't want me

I don't know how exactly, but obviously signing up for stuff online people sell your e-mail and you get junk. I got said junk from match.com an decided that since I had nothing else to do I'd fill it out. Sunday morning wasted. They don't like me. They think I'm profane.

Apparently "poop" is not deemed match.com appropriate language, and since I talk about poop on a daily basis I've decided I don't want match.com to find me a lover.

Me and poop'll do it on our own!

poop

everyone knows there is nothing sexier than reading Harry Potter in only a bra

Sometimes I worry if my mother reads this, then I remember she doesn't understand the internet and my worries go away. Some day when we finally take all the shit off her computer that makes browsing the web slower then when dial-up was the thing I may have to tell her to only read the specific blogs I label mother appropriate, or I'll just make another watered down version that talks about cooking and the books I'm reading, which she will like.

For now I'm going to talk about whatever I want. Becasue I can.

My senior year of hs I had a boyfriend, and then I didn't. But the fact that we were broken up didn't stop us from having a fair amount of bedroom fun. Or basement fun. Or back of the car parked in my driveway fun. Or hot tub fun, or camping fun...

All this fun was usually had at said ex-bf's house, because, as any of my previous suitors will vouch for, my mother is an obnoxious wench who "checks in on us" every two or three minutes, depending on the wind patterns and how much of a nincompoop she feels like being. My mother made me the way I am by preventing me from doing anything fun, ever.

This high school lover of mine had a interesting sort of mother, who encouraged him to take his love interests up to his room and "kiss"; she wasn't retarded, she knew what was going down, she just didn't care. Plus I wasn't her daughter, so whateves, right? So I'd come over, we'd mosey on up stairs, put on some Enya (his idea of romantic music I think, it just made me think of wood nymphs and The Scarlet Letter...) and pretend we were in love. He was the first straight person I'd ever let touch me, and I liked it. After we broke up everything was a lot better. Sex, no strings, and a consistently available location that we could be horizontal in for more than 10 minutes at a time, not that we needed it, we were in high school.

Now you think I'm a slut... if you must know he and I did enjoy each other’s company, in fact, sometimes we still talk. I don't hate him; I just know that I have no desire to be with him. We did have fun doing other activities, he is pretty intelligent; he just isn't my type anymore. Once, after a lovely bit of group exercise we decided to read Harry Potter out loud to each other. It was sort of hot in the room so I decided not to put my shirt back on, and naturally his mother decided to come up stairs and check up on us. So we were sitting in his bed, him shirtless, me shirtless, and only the Harry Potter book between us. Obviously I was getting hard again.

In comes his mother asking some question and she sees me in only my bra. I answer her with saying we were reading to each other, but I had pulled the blanket up to cover myself and she was aware that although we did have a book between us, there was not much else...

I was mortified, but she left right after and shut the door. I relaxed, got dressed, than we went down stairs for dinner. As if from an awkward teen movie his out of state relatives were there for the night and I got to meet all of them. This took attention off of us from his mother, but she did greet me with a lovely quip that everyone heard, "It's nice that you two put your clothes back on." I didn't respond, I just kept walking and pretended she was the wall. I honestly didn’t care what that woman thought of me (one of the few times I was able to see the snake for what it was), his Dad liked me enough for both of them because I talked to him about books, something no one else in his family did. And since I have no desire to sex this kid up anymore, his parents’ opinion of me is moot.

I now read out loud to my sex partners as naked as I want to be, because I will never live with my mother again, or date someone who lives with his. And if by some lapse in judgment I do bump hips with a guy who still lives at home, I'll make bloody sure his parents are aware that I’m a grown up and can be naked as often as I want to be, because I am. And I am.

And reading naked is very sexy.

audio books don't count... not for me anyways

I can now say, with full confidence, that audio-books are not the same as reading a book. I don't care if you disagree with me, I have read and listened to the same book and in no way are they comparable.

It was Good Omens... I actually liked it, but I couldn't get through it reading it because it wasn't that suspenseful... I like to feel like either a) I'm going to die if I don't finish a book, or b) the characters will die if I don't read on. Good Omens is British, therefore comical in a way American books are not, and also harder to get into and enjoy. Maybe I'm too "American" I don't know, I did like the book... I just was only able to read about half before I put it on the shelf for good.

When I listened to it I either closed my eyes because I had to or I'd get distracted and I fell asleep; or I kept my eyes open and zoned out missing things. There is a big part of the book that I can't for the life of me remember, but I would go back and I'd miss it again, so I just moved on.

Some people may have the ability to pay complete attention to the audio book, but if that is how it is for them, why not just read it? I don't understand it unless you're reading along with the book. If you have the time to pay complete attention to the audio book, without falling asleep, why not just read it? If you're blind I understand. If you're illiterate, I get it. If you're trying to learn English... but if you can read, with usable eyes in a language you understand then do it, or don't consider it a book read, because I missed things. And I'm an avid reader.

Another qualm I have with those audio bookers is how offended they get when you say it's not the same. It's not the same. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you think that reading a book and listening to it are the same. Scientifically speaking you read the book with completely different centers of your brain then when you listen to it, and in that sense alone, they are different. If you're in a class and your teacher is talking do you learn better with visual aids? Do you learn better when you take notes and read those notes as you're writing them? The answer is yes, because audio learning is usually not enough for it to stick... and when you're reading a book it's the same. If you just hear it there will be things that slip through the cracks, and when you get to a point where you needed those bits of info you don't have them.

So, I am not arguing against listening to a book, I just want you to know it's not the same, you didn't read it, and whether or not you're willing to admit it, you missed something I didn't because I read it and you just listened.

holy god

I'm going to Myrtle Beach in a week... I'm still tired from NY...

Here is the plan, tonight I have left myself completely open to do all of the things I have been avoiding forever because I'm lazy. That way, after I feel accomplished I'll be happier and the world will be great.

What have I been avoiding you may ask?

I bought new sheets from the overstock and have yet to put them on my bed. That was over a month ago. I'm now disgusted by my grossness... I also want to make some pillow cases out of my old sheets so I can have everything be matchy matchy because I'm an adult and adults don't have crazy pillow cases they made in high school anymore that don't match anything, including each other. I also have a pair of jeans I got at the thrift I've been meaning to turn into Bermuda shorts... bet you all didn't know I could sew, did you? That's because it's a hassle, but just like a lot of other things I avoid in my life (such as cutting Davids or Bobby's hair, doing the dishes, cleaning my room) it's really not as bad as I make it out to be before I start.

What? I cut the men in my life's hair too? How domestic of me.

I was talking to David last night about my crazy pie making skillz and I used Domestic to describe myself (word of the day: domestic). He said "yes, like a dog..." This is why I have self esteem issues.

So this evening I will be doing laundry, sewing up a storm, probably doing the dishes I've been avoiding since I got back.

I live such an adventurous life...

The best thing that happened to me yesterday was David found a ring of mine in his couch over the weekend. Check this mondo cuteness out.

because when you say "I'm really organized" this much, you realize it might actually be OCD

I was in the bathroom about a minute ago and the thought "I'm really organized" streamed through my head like the refrain to the song of my life. Then I thought... maybe it's not so much "organized" as OCD... and my pee stopped.

Have you ever noticed how when you get scared the pee stops? I don't think boys can stop the flow, so this is for the vagina bearers here. Someone knocks on the door, the pee stops. The girl in the stall next to you gags herself and starts vomiting, the pee stops. The little kid whose mother couldn't go to the toilet without bringing him in the stall crawls under and asks you why your thing is funny looking, your pee stops...

I guess pee stopping is also a sign of an epiphany as well, because mine surely ceased and I had to really concentrate to get things started back up down there.

This thought came from the fact that this morning I opened my suitcase and grabbed clean underwear and a dress out of it, threw them on then walked out the door for work. I knew the clothes were clean because I have this system where I take off my dirty clothes on a trip and put them into the mesh part of my suitcase so I don't grab them in a rush and put them back on. This is one of the many organizational tricks I have for myself... and that ladies and gents is how it starts.

"I have organizational tricks"

OCD

"I don't want to confuse myself if I'm in a rush"

OCD

I WROTE A BLOG POST IN MY MIND ON THE TOILET!!

OCD

I have a habit of making fun of people. People I like, people I don't like, old people, handicapped people, ugly people, no one is immune. I even make fun of myself, because if I didn't laugh, I'd probably cry. So why didn't I see my own freaky overly organizedness before? I think it's because I don't have OCD, I think I just have OD... or CD... or oCD (notice the small o). I don't think I'm obsessive, I think I'm easily confused/distracted therefore I learned the tricks to help myself not die. I put my keys in 1 of 3 places no matter what, and if they are not there I can't find them. I have lists of things, always lists in my mind, of everything: things to do, things to buy, things to bring... I keep my life in my purse because I don't want to forget anything; I check maps compulsively because I don't want to get lost. I can't cook in a kitchen with dirty dishes because I feel like there is no room, I get claustrophobic easily, I can't find anything in a fridge that isn't organized...

However, I have clothes strewn about my room always, I like if the books on my shelf are not next to each other is they are in a series or the same color, I hate hanging my clothes in my closet or folding them so they are never put away. Sometimes I forget deodorant... sometimes I just don't care. So how oddly organized can you be before you have OCD?

How many times can you check that you have your phone before your doctor hands you a prescription?

Speaking of doctors and prescriptions... I think I would like to go on something for anxiety... I don't want to talk about it now, but I tend to get nervous and overwhelmed in some social situations and when I'm traveling. I think an anti-anxiety pill would help loads, and since 1 in 4 people has a diagnosable mental disorder/chemical imbalance I have no shame in admitting that my anxiety is getting worse. It's why I don't take birth control, I get panic attacks and my lady doctor said that is one symptom synonymous across the board and you can't really get rid of it with switching brands like you could if I was experiencing headaches, or nausea. So I'm slightly oCD and I have anxiety. I also play Dungeons and Dragons on Saturday nights and sometimes watch Anime... I brush my teeth in the shower and wear sunglasses over my regular glasses if it's too bright outside, only in my car. I wear 2 bras regularly and sometimes I vomit when I drink too much.

Have at me boys... If I can't make fun of me I can't make fun of you.

Once I laughed at a blind person eating spaghetti -Liz Lemon

F*in New York City Bitches!

When I originally typed my title it came out as Funkin' and I considered leaving it. I changed it because I thought it was too close to the real thing and people would think I'm dumb, and not just the terrible typer that I am. I can't type for beans, and that's saying something cuz beans are basically nothing. So I typed it as Effin' because I felt bad about swearing and I really do say effin' in regular speech since I'm a puss when it comes to bad language except when for Bastard, which is my favorite cuss word by far. I finally decided on F*in because if you read it it's effin, but you know what I was trying to say without being totally crass. One swear word per title is enough, for me, for today anyways.

Today is the last day I will be sitting in front of a computer pretending to work until next Monday, because I'm leaving on a bus for the Large Apple in about a day... I'm not coming to work tomorrow which means my weekend will be one day longer, and although I will spend that day on a possibly smelly bus, it'll be better than working. Duh.

I also got paid today and that is doubly perfect because at the moment my bank account says something along the lines of $6... and I need new sun glasses, a mini contact solution, and chocolate chips to make cookies to bring to Adrienne. Am I lame for loving chocolate chip cookies the best?

I feel like you can never go wrong with the c-chips of glory. I may even make them half chocolate chip half peanut butter chip, except I doubt that any would make it all the way there unless I store them under the bus but then I won't be able to protect them and that's no good. I need to protect them. Have I told you how much I love peanut butter? It's my favorite. Have you ever had peanut butter chicken? So freaking good.

once again I had to water that down to make me feel better about myself. I went to private school, I have Lutheran guilt.

I remember being in girl scouts in about 4th grade and being at camp. Girl scout camp is not like regular camp by the way, the cabins are really nice, you get extra mattresses if you want them, and we always seemed to get the one with a handicap bathroom in it that we just picked the lock and had a flush toilet. Latrines are the most stupid thing on the planet. If they were made out of plastic you could at least hose  them down and get them clean, since they are made of wood you can never really get the smell out, and poop is gross when it's someone else's. Besides latrines being sucky, we were all at the age where saying "freaking" was totally boss. I said it all the time. And I felt freaking sweet doing so. However, since I went to a Lutheran school we all kept getting in trouble for saying it, because it was a "substitute", and God knew what we meant that was just as bad. I'm pretty sure 6 or 7 of us were not allowed to talk for 15 minutes or something because we all kept saying it too much.

Another time in 6th grade the boys, who had their own gang called the Knights (kuh-niggets) kept saying "son of a biscuit" and they got in trouble for it too. We had to have a talk as a class, my 6th grade class got in so much trouble, our teacher hated us. Once we decided not to cheer at an all school pep rally (all school being all 240 or so kids that went there pre-k through 8th) and our teacher wouldn't talk to us after that. She wrote us a note on the board about how embarrassed she was of us and how we were not allowed to go to the next pep rally. At Mohican, the week long camp we went to, I have no idea what we did, but we had to take out free time again and have another one of those talks about how embarrassing we were and how we were a shame compared to the other good Lutheran kids. Obviously grade school was a good experience for me.

I had such bad handwriting my mother made me do practice books in the summer, and my 4th grade teacher had to have me read my assignments to her sometimes... and she was used to reading shitty 4th graders handwriting. In 5th grade me and 2 other girls got in huge trouble for writing an "inappropriate" letter of pick up lines that somehow my teacher found and told us if we couldn't be more mature we wouldn't be allowed to take sex ed anymore. That was embarrassing. In 7th grade the girls in my class (I need here to say that "class" means the 17 kids in my grade, it was a small school) were in a huge fight and once again, as a class, we had to talk about why we had a problem with each other. Not that that is professional at all because what is a small qualm between a few people should not have to be discussed in front of everyone, especially people who are not involved.

Grade school wasn't all bad, in fact I got my first tongue kiss in 7th grade at the school picnic behind the bathrooms ;)

I was super good at sports because there wasn't anyone to challenge me and I was on student council. I got all the solos in choir, I was a team captain for Volley ball, a starter for basket ball and I was on the softball team where I got to her my coach/8thgrade teacher call my friends mom a Bitch... that was hilarious. He asked me not to tell anyone, I obviously did. Why wouldn't I? Speaking of teachers with multiple roles, my algebra teacher was also my principal, and my gym teacher was also the band director (he was a male cheerleader in HS and played the guitar... obviously he was overqualified)

Most people have an awful middle-school experience, but I'm guessing that since I knew all the same kids from kindergarten on that it wasn't that bad. I remember doing horribly embarrassing things after discovering AIM and some of the terrible dresses my mother made me wear to talent shows that for some reason were covered in cows.. I have a precious picture of me in that dress, I'll have to look for it. Speaking of talent shows, I sang a Britney Spears song one year, you drive me crazy... I rocked it in that cow dress. I also sang an A Capella version of God Bless America the show after 9/11. I sure do know how to milk it... ha ha, cow dress, milk it... Standing ovations in grade school is probably the reason I'm not that bitter.

Have I said anything about New York yet? I'm going there tomorrow, I've never been and I'm really excited. See you Monday!

i have strange shaped ears... on the inside

Does anyone else have trouble with the in-ear headphones that are oh so popular nowadays?

I know that "one size fits most" is really just like saying we're lazy so suck it; but ears are one of those things that really don't vary that much, especially the inside part. I, however, am not in the group of normal ear insides, and sometimes I wear the left one in my right ear... and the right in my left. That honestly stays better than regular, and I say "stays" because my freak ears actually push the buds out. They'll pop right out and I won't be able to get them to stay again because now my ears are sore from working so hard to get the bugger out and I'm stuck listening to nothing.

I would like to say that I'm not abnormal in my other inside parts... in case you were worried. I am pretty sure my lady doctor would have said something.

Lady doctor... don't most females prefer "lady" lady doctors? Mine is not a lady, but he is very nice, and I'm pretty sure he isn't gay. I've derived this from the fact that most homo men are literally afraid of vagina's. My best friend says it looks like a wound that will never heal, and although I have done the mirror thing required to get a good look, I have no comment on that opinion... My vagina is not a flower, it doesn't smell like roses, but I'm proud of it, and although Id like to send it away every three weeks or so, I'd never trade it for a penis. Not for my life.

I believe I have talked about being a girl before, and I'm sticking with all of those reasons. Being a girl sucks, don't get me wrong, but the crazy that is naturally embedded in everyone with a uterus is only tolerated if you're a girl, if I was a boy people would expect me to be normal, and I just am not down with that. Not at all.

Except, I wonder if I was a boy if maybe I'd have normal shaped ear insides. Maybe it's be worth it. But then you have to shave your face, and I'm afraid of that. I think I'd cut myself... nope, still not worth it. I'll just keep the L and R in the wrong ears, that's working for me this morning.

baby crazy

and I do mean CRAZY.

Teresa, I love you. You got me through school by paying attention so I didn't have to. You sat with me on the bus so I didn't have to talk to anyone. You taught me to talk by never shutting up :) You were a great big sister... are, you are a great big sister; but your hormones are making you crazy right now and that is making me crazy.

All I'm saying is that baby craziness is in the air, and it's not just my sister. It seems like everyone is either pregnant or a mother... am I the only one who doesn't find that life appealing right now? I don't think so, it's just that I can't imagine carrying a little person around inside of me for 9 months then helping it grow up for the next 20+ years or so. I'm too young for that crap.

Since Teresa is my sister and babies need showers, I have to do a lot of the work, and I honestly have no idea what to do. She isn't into the foo-foo girly stuff, which is good, but my mother is driving me crazy with the plans and everything.

However, some day, in the very distant future, I may plan on popping out a little one, and I'd like to have someone else do all the pre-birth work for me, so I'm keeping my mouth shut and being a good sister. Sort of.

birthday pies!

Davids Birthday is Saturday, and although I got him a pretty bomb gift it won't be arriving till Tuesday of next week because I always seem to order things from California when I need them in a rush... and we all know there is no way I'm spending $19 to have it shipped any faster. Since I will have nothing to give him and I'm also unusually busy that day I'm baking him pies instead!

The fastest way to a mans heart is through his stomach... or a sharp object through his chest... but I'll already have a big enough mess to clean up after the party and don't want to add spilled innards to it.

The pies I'll be making will be of the Strawberry/Rhubarb variety and will hopefully taste awesome. I'm thinking about making 3, two for the party and one to taste test to make sure they are good enough to serve people. I am also thinking about cupcakes since I make good ones and not everyone likes pie. What do you think? It really depends on how messy my kitchen is after the pies and how tired I am after making them.

where I've been and where I'm going

I'm not a big travelor, I'd like to... it just that my money tree hasn't been growing in the last twenty years or so and traveling is sort of expensive.

This month, however, I'll be adding to my places visited by 2! and when you've only been to a few places 2 is a lot.


visited 8 states (16%)
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I live in Ohio, and I have all my life. I've been to Florida twice, once in 6th grade for a vacation with a friend and once freshman year for a trip to Disney with the marching band. I went to Colorado for a "family" reunion when I was younger... I can't remember how old I was but I think it was before I read Harry Potter which was 7th grade so I was probably 12 or 13(I use the term family loosely because it was my step family and my Dad is divorced from that women now). I went to Tennessee and spent a week on a houseboat with another friends family vacation (my family never does anything fun) and to Michigan for a graduation party for a friend of a friend. I've visited the Ikea in PA as well as Gettysburg and some amusement park I can't remember the name of; but they had a large pumpkin and I thought that was cool since my birthday is in October and I was way to young to drink...

 family events are far more tolerable now that I can drink, that's all I'm going to say.

I've been to Chicago IL twice, once with the drama club and once with my two girl friends Andi and Kori for a day trip that ended not so well, but I love that city. The soup box is my reason for living. If you've never been there and you like soup you don't know what you're missing. It's perfect, even in the hot summer. I love the soup box, I love it so much.

In 7th grade we took a class trip to DC, that's why I've been to Virginia, and it was not nearly as fun as 8th grade trip to Toronto where we saw a medieval time dinner theater and Niagara falls. And seriously that's all I've ever done... don't you feel bad for me?

Well, you can stop that noise because I'm going to expand my traveled map starting in 10 short days!! by the end of the month I'll have been to NY and SC.


visited 10 states (20%)
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i'm mainstreaming

If you've never met me, which is very likely considering how much I like to stay at home and pretend I'm interesting while I roll dice trying to do max damage... I mean while I stay home watching copious amounts of 30 Rock and Will and Grace (I don't know if that's any better...) you probably don't know how ridiculously out of things I am.

I've never looked at Craigslist, until today, when my aunt forced me to email a woman about a blender so I wouldn't buy a new one and waste money.

and obviously by "forced" I mean sent the email for me and told me I had to buy it even if I was scared... which I am.

This woman may or may not be next door neighbors with a kid in band from HS. In fact it may actually be the same house, I can't remember. All the houses in that part of my neighborhood look the same. And I do mean in my neighborhood. I rode the bus by this house every day till my mother finally let me get my drivers license senior year. This woman lives close. How convenient?! Craigslist is wonderful! I may go read it myself some time soon!

So naturally I'm less afraid to go now that I see her house is so near, if I get murdered it's close enough to where I actually live that the police may look there.

And now I'll finally be able to make my own margaritas for margarita Wednesdays and not feel like a loser.

Other things I'm way behind on? I finally got an iPod yesterday... I'm 21 and I've never had one. It's 2010 and I've never had one.

Who knows, tomorrow I may see what this "Internet" thing everyone keeps talking of is all about. I hear it's very colorful. I just need to get an extra phone line so I don't miss a call. Excuse me though, I have math homework to do and I misplaced my abacus.

If you say "clam to clam" does that make you a lesbian?

My best friend is Adrienne , and I love her. Soon I'll be visiting her in New York City and I am literally peeing myself with anticipation! Yesterday she sent me a message with the plans for our weekend adventure which include events such as picnicking in Central Park and visiting the Statue of Liberty! She also said we could go to a Broadway play, and let me be honest when I say show tunes are my life...

The other day I was talking about how excited I am to go and how much I miss her and someone asked if I was gay for her. Naturally my answer was that we go clam to clam. Obviously we haven't yet. But does it make me a lesbian for saying so? Do you have to be a lesbian to say "clam to clam"? Are you a lesbian if the phrase can roll of your tongue in normal every day speech without so much as blinking? I don't think I like girls, but I do love Adrienne.

Maybe I'm gay only for her.

And Anna Paquin.

Happy Gay Pride Month! Celebrate love!