Friday, July 30, 2010

I didn't feel loved... and now I just feel pathetic

Have you ever been talking to someone about something you've talked about plenty of times before; then you accidentally say something that makes so much more sense than anything you've said on the subject before? That happened to me last night and I felt like a complete genius and a total boob at the same time... been there? Me too...
I quit college in the middle of my second year... A lot of things happened such as my mother didn't do her taxes right and didn't tell me, therefore I was accepted for student loans which were then denied mid semester... that was awesome. A long list of incidents made me second guess my choice to attend U of A and after that long list the student aid thing was the final straw to break my back.

When I was a youngster I attended private school, for 9 years I went there and I loved it. I loved my friends, I love my teachers, I loved being in such a small group of kids the whole time. My 8th grade class had 17 people in it, and that's only because we got 3 new students hat year, if it weren't for then we'd of only had 14... and that would have been fine with me.

I was like the big girl on campus... well, as big as you can be at 14. I was a starter for the basketball team, a volleyball captain, I was in all the choirs and the band... I got almost every solo because I was the best singer. I was a freaking Cheer leader for Pete's sake. I was living on cloud 9; and everyone cared about me. All the teachers, all my classmates parents, everyone. Everyone cared about my well being and happiness, I'm not joking here.

My 8th grade teacher got my then boyfriend and me together by telling him exactly what to say. he was in 7th grade and we never talked, but I'm not lying when I say he was defiantly the hottest guy I ever frenched kissed without knowing a thing about him.

French Kissing: how awkward is that shit? I mean, now it's no big, but then? It was like you licked each others mouth till you couldn't hold your breath anymore, then you'd pull apart and breath like you'd been running and wipe the spit off your face. Maybe that was just me. Kissing is so much better now that I know how, but you have to start somewhere, right?

So, after being in school for 9 years with all the same people who cared a lot about me and my well being I was thrust into high school, and because of my intellect and creativity I was in classes with more people who cared about me. I was in band which was like a family, the teachers and students all my favorite ever. I was in choir and once again because I had talent the teachers paid attention. My sophomore year my teacher Mrs. Taylor made me feel so important and special, it's no wonder I decided music Ed was my life's goal.

I'm going to be honest with you and myself here when I say I know I'd still make an awesome teacher. It really was just the University of Akron that made it almost impossible for someone like me to succeed. There, I said it. I regret not staying, but I just couldn't anymore...

In my other academic classes I was with fewer children than the regular or CP classes because Honors and AP just generally have less kids, therefore the teachers could pay more individual attention and I still felt loved. I'm not being cliche here, my teachers all loved me. And I love them, more than I realized. And I needed them, more than I was willing to admit. So I had great teachers who helped me succeed because I was willing and eager, then I went to college.

I went to a school designed to ween out the people who didn't want to be there. I was blocked out of multiple classes after they let 2 of the three people on the waiting list in... I never got a clear cut answer from a guidance councilor and then when I took initiative to do what I thought was best I got yelled at in front of my entire class.

After my freshman year I tried out for the more advanced choir and although I was good enough I didn't get in. Politics is a huge thing in college, and if the choir director doesn't like you you're fucked. She didn't like me... I was fucked.

I didn't like that no one wanted me to succeed but myself, I wasn't used to people trying to hold me back. I didn't feel like fighting the man, the man usually wins, I don't like fighting to begin with. So I stopped fighting.

Now I'm here, in this place where I'm not very happy doing something I don't really like because people didn't want me to do the thing I really did like and I have debt to overcome before I can start down the other road. I want to go to school for nursing. I want to go because it's a 20 month program and when I finish that I can move anywhere and have a job. I can make a difference in peoples lives an I can have a schedule that allows for parenting or not...

There is my story. Epiphanies have ways of making me feel like poo sometimes.

1 comment:

  1. Epiphanies are lovely, I had one just the other day...
    Don't let anyone hold you back, that's just silly! I think you can do anything you set your pretty little head to. I've told you that before and I'll tell you everyday if you need me to. So just call.
    If you want to be a music teacher do it. Find another school that you'll want to work your way through. Or keep on the nursing path. I honestly think that you would do really well at either one, and I'm not just saying that.
    I understand the stuff you said about the teachers and friends rooting you on in grade school and high school. It's hard moving to a huge university where no one knows your name let alone recognizes your face. The thing about college and the whole rooting on thing is that you have to be your own number one fan...I don't think you'll have any trouble with that one... ;)

    I believe in you!! hehehe!