mister clock man

Dear Mister 6am,

I do not like you, and I do not need to see you every morning. I need to sleep through you. I appreciate your existence, but I can't stand seeing you staring me in the face every morning when I open my eyes. Why do you insist upon being there? Why can't I ever have a morning where I don't see you?

I love that you exist, I do; it's just that I don't want to think about you until after you have passed and I didn't meet you. I want to see that later mart of Mister 7am, the very latter part. He is my morning friend, you are not. Leave me alone and stop waking me up.

And, if for some reason you do wake me up, let me go back to sleep. Silence your birds, and tell that jerk of an old person who lives down the street that 6am is no place for a lawn mower, especially when you mow the lawn every three days anyways. I don't want to hear your school buses, or your garbage trucks. I don't want to hear birds chirping or dogs barking. Leave those things alone till later, it's mean of you to be so noisy.

I'm a tired girl, I need my beauty rest. No one should have to see you mister 6am, no one.

Denise

sex and the city

Fun fact about me: I don't care what the movie is, I just like seeing them at midnight. I can't explain it, it's just special to see it the first showing.

Today, well tomorrow, I'm seeing Sex and the City; and although I've seen maybe 5 or 6 episodes in my entire life, I liked the last movie, and I do approve of drinking a martini. In fact, I approve of drinking in most forms.

However, I'm babysitting till about 11:30 this evening, after working all day today, and after only getting about 4 hours of sleep last night. So I'm sleepy, but I'm excited.

I probably won't be posting tomorrow, because I'll be sitting at my desk holding my eyelids open and pretending to know where I am if someone asks me a question...

Weeks half over! Looking forward to a three day weekend is so much more exciting when you find out you're getting paid for the holiday. I don't remember getting paid for Memorial day last year, but then again, I'm pretty sleepy.

another list

It's Tuesday, and to be honest I've been losing track of time lately because once again the newly single bug has made life more of an adventure.

I'm not so gung-ho about knowing exactly what I'm doing that evening, well, not really that... more like I do plan things in advance, because I have to since I have a lot of things I'd like to do and a lot of people I'd like to do them with. Take that how you see it :)

Okay, also, I had an entire Sunday to do whatever the heck I wanted, and it was probably the best Sunday ever... except for the awkward dinner I had with David, but that's for a later explanation.

It was wonderful because I woke up when I wanted, and didn't have to get out of bed for fear of waking up a sleeping whatever next to me. I played the sims for a bit, got up, made awesome chicken salad, made yummy bagel pizzas, and laid about for a while. After I did that Ellen came over, we ate cheese cake and I finally showered at around 4pm.

Skip to after the awkward dinner thing with David.

Bobby, Adrienne, and I went out and had drinks at the Fridays near our house. It was great. I was exhausted by the end and Monday was a mix of sleepiness and blah blah blah-ness that didn't really matter. Work has become something that interrupts my social life, which I actually have. It's sheerly amazing. I love it.

I love that I no longer am worried that David will not want to see me. I love that people want to do things with me, and I am not afraid to ask. I love that I do things, and am not dependant on Davids approval for my own self worth. I love that I am happy, whether I am alone or with other people. I'm happy.

About my awkward dinner, it was, well... awkward. I hung out with David Saturday night because he got a gift certificate to his favorite restaurant so he too me, then it was it was Adrienne's birthday so after I went home and took a nap the three of us went to a bar and had some drinks. After Adrienne went home David and I got Papa Johns and watched Dogma till after 3 in the morning. We had a lot of fun, it was great, I was tired.

Earlier in the week he and I made plans to get sushi and watch Fringe together on Sunday, so after all the fun we had Saturday night I was really looking forward to it; plus I love sushi, I feel like it makes everything  better.

However, when we got together it wasn't fun. It was forced, he was in a bad mood. He was annoying me and pissing me off. I also felt like we didn't have anything to talk about, because I had just spent quite a bit of time with him.

All I can say is that this makes me happier than anything else that I have done in the last almost month he and I have been broken up. It feels like it did when we were first together (not the David in a bad mood bit). I didn't want to see him every day, I felt like I was being pulled away from whatever else good was happening in the world. That's how I used to be with Malcolm too, except I flat out told him I didn't want to see him that much; not David, I don't remember how it got to the point with him that it did, it just got there.

are you on chrome yet?

do you believe in God?

Did you know that in Thailand the fireflies blink in synchronization?

Seriously, listen here.
 
 Do you know that it's not caused by any one firefly? It just happens...

I went to the Indians game last night. Huge amounts of fun, and we had the perfect seats. They were the row closest to the field covered by the awning, so when it rained everyone moved behind us. It was pretty boss. Then there were fireworks after, which were really good. I didn't expect them to be so great.

I didn't take this. I borrowed it from this guy.

All good parts aside, did you know a beer at the stadium for a "large" (which may be 17oz, not large by any standards of my own) costs $7.75?

Isn't that absurd? And they only offer Bud Light... You'd think if they were going to jack me they'd at least have the courtesy to give me a choice of beers to drink to numb the pain of my empty wallet. But no, they just take your credit card, smile, and call the next person in line to also get jacked. All for Bud Light.

Seriously though, I'm bringing my new flask next time. I was just afraid to get strip searched, so I left it in the car.

four chord friday!

all you never wanted to know about my brain

Have you ever tested to see if you are right brained or left? I just took this test and it says I responded as a right brained person to 9 of the questions, and as a left brained person to 9 as well... the test then concluded I am a left brained person, and to be honest I'm fine with that because I'm right eye dominant, right handed and I like to talk on the phone with my left ear (ears don't cross hemispheres) and pretty much everyone in my family will tell you I'm very business like one the phone, impersonal, and not that much fun. I also have trouble seeing the "big picture" until it is pointed out to me directly. Plus every other time I've taken these tests it says I'm left brained too. Maybe that's why I like singing but don't care to study music so much...

Another interesting fact I learned was that facial expressions can differ from one side of your face. If you take a photo of someone, cut it in half and flip it, putting left sides together and your right sides together the expressions can be exaggerated or muted. See this:

left+left/ regular/ right+right

 When we were in 6th grade my teacher did this to us. Not surprisingly I had the most symmetrical face in the class. I'm guessing it's because although my left brain is dominant, my right brain has a lot of stuff going on too. 

This study was conducted by a psychologist about 10 years ago. Basically the study suggests that the vast majority of faces are not symmetrical, because most individuals are more dominant in one hemisphere of their brain. It also raised the possibility that each side of our face could express different emotions at the same time. The study focused on the idea the people were in fact two people, one dominant, and one sort of sitting in the background, not really showing up all that often; because every human brain has the capability of thinking with each side independently, at the same time.   

side note: as I was typing this I started some "experiments" of my own. I learned that the quizzical look you do where you lift one eyebrow I can only do with the right side of my face (left brain:logic) and the half smile thing people do I can only do with the left side of my face (right brain: artistic, acting, emotionally expressive). I'm like a text book case of this stuff!

Our personality can be thought of as the result of the way and amounts the two sides of our brain interact, or don't interact. Simplified "left brain" types are very analytical and orderly, where as "right brain" people are more unpredictable, artistic and creative. But we draw upon specific sides of the brain for certain activities, and a combination of both is usually necessary. However, the choices of which brain is in control of which situations is what determines our character, forges our personality.

Because of the way the education system is set up, most children lose the highly creative capabilities of the brain when they enter school. Most children rank highly creative, but by adulthood only about 2% still have that highly creative right brain function.

Our conscious mind can only focus on data from one side of the brain at a time. It can switch back and forth very quickly, but that isn't very efficient and usually one side eventually takes dominance in the situation. In modern society that brain that wins is usually the left side. Because the two brains see the world in vastly different ways, and usually the left side just "doesn't get" what the right side is trying to do it will  usually dismisses anything significant from that side as being "flaky".

Because of this one side taking control, it appears most people will never be able to reach their full potential. Sometimes skills the right brain can handle better, are routinely handled with less skill by the left brain. Ideally both brains work together in people with optimum mental ability (ie: me... kidding. But seriously, I could be the next Einstein, aren't you excited to tell people you read my blog before i took over the world? I mean changed it for the better).

Although the left brain takes the stage (hypothetically of course, I'm pretty sure the left side would have nothing to do with such nonsense as stages...) during most daily activities, the left brain can be shut off by doing activities such as creative writing or listening to music (sans words, that would encourage the left brain to pipe in). The right brain however rules the night. Most dreams defy logic because the left brain is taking a back seat and the right brain is getting to drive.

Quick test to see how active your right brain is: Find the man in the beans. GO!

Find the man in the beans

If you found him in less than three seconds you have high right brain activity. Good for you!

If it took you between 3 seconds and 1 minute, your right brain is normally active.

And if it took you more than a minute, you have an inactive right brain, and are probably a bore. Or you need to put your glasses on.

I found it in about 10 seconds, but only after I decided to close my right eye; which may have been cheating, but it was almost instantaneous after the right one was closed. Once again, text book. I should be studied in a lab.

positively single

In these past two weeks of single life I have noticed and appreciated some things that I really think are positive things I couldn't really do while I was with David.

1. Sleep in my socks

2. Take those same socks off in the middle of the night and throw them across the room.

3. Sleep on the right side of the bed, the left side of the bed, the top half, the middle, diagonally... I get to sleep wherever I want every single night.

4. I get to sleep with the window open without having to ask, and I get to sleep with my bed heater to keep me snuggly warm. Something I haven't fully been able to enjoy for quite some time.

5. Eat in bed.

6. Lay awake for hours not getting up to pee. He usually would get huffy if my rolling woke him in the night.

7. Watch Glee as it's on TV. I've never really had a show that I watched religiously, but Glee is different. I love it, and every episode makes me happier and happier. David refuses to watch commercials and he doesn't like waiting for a new episode to air. So we basically wait till the season is over, download it with no commercials then we can watch it all in one big glee-tastic week or so... I like the last part, but it's the waiting I'm not a fan of. The fact that I'm watching this season (still season 1... I KNOW) as it's on and being able to talk about it is so much better than waiting.

PS: My Glee CD was waiting for me last night when I got home, and the Gaga songs are freaking awesome! Not to mention I dreamed a dream, which made me figure out she was Rachel's mom because it's the song of a mother (hello!) and Rachel singing "and still I dream she'll come to me". Ever since being in Les Mis I can't help but get teary eyed hearing some of the songs. I also have a warm place in my heart for Man of La Manchia so when Sheu didn't sing the Impossible dream I was sad. But I guess Dream On was more main stream... I do love me some Neal Patric Harris!

Happy Wednesday!

Curiouser and Curiouser

Ladies and gents it is once again for me to be lazy and participate in a curious as a cat week instead of being original and writing about something of my own. I'm not sorry, because the only things I've been thinking about lately are boring to the the general public. So take a load off and enjoy. And if you feel like it answer the questions yourself... I'd love to read what you have to say!

1. What has been the most meaningful moment of your life so far? I'm going to be lame here when I say that it's the moment when I became self aware like sky net, except I haven't taken over the world yet....

I know that this may seem weird to you, in fact I don't even remember that moment, but it was monumentally important. I've been reading a lot and I can't tell you exactly what book it was but it went something like this:

Do you see that thing floating in front of my vision? Look. I have the ability to move that thing! I made that thing move! That thing they call my hand is moving and I made it happen! How amazing is that?! And that noise, the one that happens when I get happy; I made that noise. I made noises happen too! Look at all this power I have on the things around me, look what I can do! Do you hear it? Do you see this hand moving? It's because of me, all because of me!

That sort of thing changed my life, it changed yours too.

2. Do you prefer listening to string instruments, woodwinds, brass, or percussion?

Whew, this is hard. I prefer watching strings, hands down. I love to watch the musicians bow in sync, that is very appealing to my eye. But to listen...

Well I enjoy a nice piano sonata... Beethoven's 6th I'm pretty sure is my absolute favorite, and where would the orchestra be without the violin? No where, that's where. But, have you ever heard a saxophone? Or a marching band? Have you ever heard the trumpets play and you just get this feeling welling up inside of you like you're about to burst? Have you ever blown on a Bass Clarinet and felt the vibrations in your throat? So low and deep, moving from the deepest pits of your body? Have you ever heard symbols crash bringing you back to reality and reminding you that your life is real; and the things you were feeling are from the music, not yourself? Have you ever felt the vibration of a timpani including you in the song? Making it a physical thing, not just waves in the air. I love them all, together. I truly wouldn't get rid of any. But, if I had to choose one group alone, it would be the strings; because, like I said, piano sonatas warm my soul.

3. Which is worse, being too hot or too cold?

Too hot. You can always jump into a warm shower, or crawl in bed with a snuggle buddy. You can basically (except if you were say running across Antarctica in only your bathing suit) always get warmer, but once you're hot you pretty much stay that way. Plus when it's hot, it's just too darn hot, you can't do the things you'd normally do.

In the immortal words of Cole Porter, "But when the thermometer goes way, and the weather is sizzlin' hot, Mr. Adam, for his madam, is NOT".

4. Show and Tell: What comes to mind when you see this picture? Or tell a story if it reminds you of one.

Usually any picture with a bright blue sky makes me feel warm and relaxed, however this one has a sense of excitement associated with it too. It reminds me of the times I saw a hot air balloon take off at Yankee Peddler... which makes me want chicken on a stick very much. I know these aren't hot air balloons, I've just never seen a hang glider in real life so I have no memory associated with it. It does seem like something I'd like to try though.

the "ex" factor

Where do I start?

Well, recently I was at a shindig and I was having a super dooper fun time. I was eating 'smores, I made yummy mac and cheese which everyone liked so that made me feel special, I was seeing friends I hadn't seen in a while, and I was drinking of the boozes... something I also enjoy.

Because of all of this I discovered a few things. 1. I'm going to miss Adrienne so very much when she moves to New York. Best part of that though is I have a legit reason to go to New York and will finally be able to see the city! 2. Once I get drinking I'm a pretty terrible beer pong player. And 3. I don't like being called and ex-girlfriend. I don't like it at all.

If we used to date and I still talk to you, I more likely than not consider you my friend; and when David referred to me as his ex, well let's just say it kind of hurt. Then, to top it all off Bobby called me an ex girlfriend the next day. Why? He and I dated so long ago I can barely remember it. Out friendship has dominated our relationship for over 4 years... we dated for only one and a half.

Ex-girlfriend just sounds so negative. It sounds like something you say when you look at the bottom of your shoe after smashing a bug. It makes me feel like the friendship we are pursuing is less important than the fact that we once dated, but broke it off for any number of reasons.

Once I got thinking I realized I rarely ever say ex-boyfriend. I usually refer them as "someone I used to date", because I just don't like the connotation associated with "ex". And if they are my friend, I say it. I say, "they are my friend", and if we have a past I say, "we have a past." Don't ask me why this upset me so much. It's not that I don't understand that David will no longer refer to me as his girlfriend, it's truly because I hate how being an "ex" makes me feel. No matter who is saying it of me.

relapse

I guess that there is only so much you can cry about in one night, because the night David and I broke up I was pretty sure I cried about everything; little did I know that I hadn't.

After I realized that it really was best for us to not be together because of all the reasons I don't feel like repeating my sadness and tears were more for my lost self, instead of my lost relationship. I found that I missed the old Denise far more than I missed David; which made me feel like I "got over it" in a matter of about 12 hours. Not that I wasn't still sad, and secretly hoping he'd call me and say he'd just been kidding; but I really got why it was over, and that I needed to focus on "me", and not "us".

Since I was so amazing and got over us in less that a day I thought that David and I could be friends, because that is ultimately what he wanted. Wednesday night after I had dinner with Bobby, my best friend on the planet (who also happens to live with David if I haven't mentioned this fact already) I went over to their house and we started watching Fringe from the beginning because David has it on blu ray and Bobby has never seen it. Here are the reasons this was a bad decision:

Fringe is one of the shows David and I watched together. I love the show, but the fact that I'd already seen it gave me plenty of opportunity to pay attention to David.

Bobby got tired and went to bed, leaving me alone with David, something I thought I could handle, since I was so wonderful and was already over us. I couldn't handle it.

The entire time all I wanted to do was snuggle with him and rub his back. I couldn't get over how amazing he smelled and how much I wanted to kiss him. Every feeling of love I had for him came flooding in and I could not handle it.

Because after I realized how much I am still attracted to him and how he makes me feel, I remembered the true underlying factor of our breakup: David stopped loving me. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is not something I'd cried about the night I cried about everything. I'd suppressed that one fact because admitting it was harder than even saying it out loud. I said it a lot, I thought it a lot; but I'd never accepted it. And it was horrible.

So last night was the first time I was alone without being exhausted (I stayed with David till almost midnight, another mistake because I then couldn't get it out of my head how much I wanted to sleep there...) and it sort of over took me.

I was babysitting and as soon as the kids were sleeping and quiet I got to thinking. I got to thinking how awful it is to not be loved anymore, especially by someone you're still head over heels for. It sucks. And I cried. I cried till their mom got home and then I went home and cried myself to sleep.

Last night I cried for my lost affection, for my lost relationship, for my lost self. I cried because the worst feeling comes when you give your heart to someone and they give it right back saying, "no, thank you". I cried because it really is terrible reaching over to the other side of the bed and not finding anyone. Not finding him. So last night I cried.

I hope this isn't a regular occurrence, I get terrible headaches from crying.

time for me to admit something

True story, I can't spell!

So what? Shoot me, okay?

I can do math, hard math in my head. I know every ones birthday, by heart; even the people I don't talk to anymore. I can remember phone numbers, and addresses! I can give directions too, and not girl directions, real directions.

I can do things that involve numbers so easily. Stoichiometry? No big,  I can do that. Percentages? That's cake too.

I can remember long lists of things, and I can repeat that list perfectly if need be. I can remember recipes, and such nonsense you don't really need because it's written down.

But there are some words I just cannot for the life of me remember how to spell.

Here is that list, including my misspellings of the word. Some have many.

1.Embarrassed
    I usually spell it: embarassed
2.Around
   my way is arround, please don't laugh, it seems right to me
3.Until
   I usually spell it untill, because till has 2 L's, so I think until should too.
4. Necessary,  or Necessarily
   I spell this one so wrong: necessecarally, neseccarally, necesecary all inconcieveable bits that the computer can't even figure out what I mean half the time.

If you ever see one of these in my blog you can be sure it's because I spell checked it, a lot. So appreciate the fact that i use words I can't spell often, because I do that in regular speech and I'm just trying to keep it real.

fill in the blank monday

I'm always behind on these things, it's not on purpose... I just forget.

However, since it's about books, and those are by far my favorite thing in the world I decided better late than never. Plus I really feel like you can get to know someone by the books they've read. I sometimes spy on other peoples book shelves when I visit their houses... just sometimes :)

If you'd like to check out the other participants head over to the little things we do...

I'm too late to link mine, but I don't care. I'll do it for me!

1. My favorite book growing up was honestly I didn't like reading till I was about 14. My family made me read out loud to them just to make sure I was doing it, and I hated that. The book series that turned me on to reading was Harry Potter, and I didn't read those till 8th grade, 4 entire years after they came out. Harry Potter, my one true love!

2. The funniest book I've ever read was Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister. It's by Gregory Maguire, the same guy who wrote Wicked, and it's sort of the same idea. It's Cinderella from the view of the step sister, and it's funny because it's good and true and painful. I have yet to finish that one, I need to. I let someone borrow it because I was too busy with classes to really go for it. I'll have to get another copy, because I don't see that girl anymore.

3. The one book that has truly changed my life was probably 1984. Is that strange? It changed me to the point of not being able to see dust without thinking the world's gone to Hell. I loved that book, and it makes you look at what is really important, and the mentality of a controlled people. It's scary when you compare it to today. Some of the best books I ever read were school books. I also loved "To Kill a Mockingbird", it made me see relationships in a whole different light.

4. If you're looking for a real "tear jerker" you should probably read the 7th Harry Potter book ,seriously cried through half of it. But in all honesty, I don't read sad books all the often, not because I wouldn't, just because I haven't. Plus I like fiction, and fantasy. I'm sorry I don't have an answer for this.

5. If I could meet any author living or dead it would be Mark Twain. He has the capacity to be funny, serious, satirical, all while being innovative and writing literature that deserves to be studied and spans generations. The Diaries of Adam and Eve is one of the sweetest, most innocently true love stories I've read so far. I feel like his intelligence was also a huge factor in why I've loved his writing. Smart people make good books.

6. The next book on my "to read" list is "Without You", the auto Biography from Anthony Rapp, the guy from Rent the musical, he played Mark. He was also in the movie Rent. I started the first few pages the other day. I'm excited to continue. I'm also reading Pride and Prejudice, and A Wolf at the Table. I hardly ever have just one book going at a time.

7. If I was snowed into a remote cabin in the woods and could only choose 3 books to bring with me, I'd bring the three books I'm reading now, because I haven't read them yet, and I don't like reading books over. I want to be stuck in a cabin in the snow, that would be wonderful! As long as I had someone there to build me fires and make me coco.

plans for the "mothers day"

I have a mother. I'm lucky, because she is pretty awesome and she is alive. For quite some time she has been sick, and the doctors had no idea what was wrong with her. She has been on some pretty intense meds and they are working for the most part, but she's not all the way better yet.

I thought I'd share my mothers day plans with you, because my mom can never remember how to look up my blog so I'm not worried if she sees this, and I'd like to help you out if you are still struggling for ideas.

one year I gave my mother this

It's a photo of me and my sisters eyes (mine being in the middle) framed and that's pretty much it. It cost me 28 cents or whatever per photo plus the frame which may have been $10. So what I'm saying here is that it wasn't expensive and she loves it. She actually told me that if the house was on fire that's the first thing she save. That's a pretty good compliment, no?

So this year I have the idea of doing a feet photo, of me and my sisters toes in some grass on on a shore line with water coming up. I haven't had time to take the picture yet. I'm actually on the phone right now trying to get my sister to answer so we can make plans to do this. She never answers the phone.

The reason things like this are good is because mothers probably already have everything they need, and since most of our parents are now empty nesters and all they have are baby pictures of us it's nice to get a new photo of their kids. It's also nice because it's one of those gifts that showed how much time and thought you put into something, not just money.

Remember, it really is the thought that counts.

Next, I will be cooking some yummy eats for her and the fam. If you've never cooked before and are looking to impress let me give you some good, super easy recipes, that look like you did a lot.

Roasting a Chicken. so easy,  and everyone will think you're some kind of professional. If you've never heard of The Pioneer Woman I understand, but from this point on you must remember her. She is huge in the blogging world and her site on cooking is great for people like me who have no knowledge whatsoever of anything cooking. I've learned a lot from her, and in fact I cook all the time now and impress people left and right.

You can impress people too.

After you amaze people with your mad roasting chicken skills, and if they don't believe you did it they just have to use their noses because your house will smell like heaven; you should make some sort of side dish. I haven't decided yet what I'm making, but I think it'll be corn casserole that my friend Adrienne makes and sweet potato casserole which is so easy you'd fall out of your chair.

Here's how you do it:

Bake 8 or so largish sweet potatoes (remember to poke a few holes with a fork or they'll explode)
   This takes anywhere from a hour and 15 to an hour and 30 on 375°
after they've cooled cut a slit in the top and scoop out the good stuff with a spoon.
put it in to a bowl and mix it with a splash of milk and 3 to 4 tbsp of butter
   this can be done with a stand mixer, a hand mixer, or even a potato masher. If you use a potato masher your arms will get tired, but it'll be imperfect and that is perfect when you're cooking.
put it a casserole dish and make peaks with a fork.
Sprinkle with brown sugar and of you like them, walnuts
bake for about 15 more minutes or until the stuff on top gets caramelized and gooey

If that doesn't warm your mothers heart she is either diabetic or doesn't like sweet potatoes. Either way if she loves you like she should she'll tell you it's great, and it really is.

Now for a desert. Strawberry Rhubarb pie is the thing of the spring season, but to be honest I don't feel like making pie crusts and all that nonsense. I was thinking of making this because the crust looks good enough to just eat by itself, but most people in my family (ie: me and the older sister) are allergic to milk and I don't feel like risking the sickness that comes 50% of the time. So I settled on cobbler. This Cobbler to be exact, except I may use strawberries, because that'll require less sugar on top since they aren't as tart.

If you decide on cobbler remember Ice cream, that's very  important.

Happy Mothers Day!

about me

Since my new goal is to focus on me and my life that needs to start moving forward I thought I'd answer some questions that I found on another bloggers site that she answered. Doesn't that sound fun?

* Side note:I know I haven't talked about this much, but since I finally have some good news I'll share :)

When I decided to discontinue my relationship with the U of A and their lovely music department, I owed some money. $4300 to be exact because for some reason (I'm pretty sure it had something to do with my mothers end of the tax bit) my FAFSA didn't process properly and I got no financial aid for that semester...

So, long story short I was paying it back on my own but after I lost my serving job and was in the hospital and my car decided to poop out so I had to get a new one, I was only making $9 an hour and that's not very much. I lost my health insurance because I was no longer a student, and my bills became more than I was making. So my savings which was close to being enough to pay off all the debt went to finance my life. Now, after paying off some of it myself and not telling people exactly how much I owed because I was embarrassed I hadn't been able to pay anything for some time. Last month I got a letter saying the balance ($3700) was due by the end of the month or they'd be turning it into the collection agency and I'd owe all sorts of late fees and my life would be over. The letter didn't say the last part, but it meant it, you know.

Well I called, and the truly nice person in the cashiers office said I could make 10 payments of $370, and that was do-able for me. So last month I made the payment, and this month I was going to make it again, but I talked to my Dad (who has saved my live over and over again through all of this) about how much I needed to give him this month for the payment. He said he could only put a thousand on it this month! A thousand! I'm so excited. I love him, so much. My Dad is an amazing guy, ask anyone (except my mother).

I think I forgot to mention that I need to go back to school, but can't until by UA bill is paid because they won't transfer my credits. I was there for two years, I have a ton of credits that need transferred!

Now I'm making $11 an hour (insurance school for a week and a big test I passed!), which is a lot more than $9, and I have a side job where I nanny for this family while their mother works over night once every other week. So with my raise, my side job that is not steady but I don't spend until I know I am working, and the cheap health insurance I got because I work at a State Farm and we get the hook-up I'm getting back on track and not borrowing from my savings account every month. And I am proud to say that I do still have enough money in it to bail myself out if things get a little tough.

That was a long side note.

On to the questions!

Foodology:

What is your salad dressing of choice?
I love Italian, if I go out that's what I get because you can't really mess up Italian. But I also like to try house dressings. I love salad, and trying different dressings is fun. I like anything vinaigrette (except balsamic, I don't know what it is about it, its gross to me). My favorite right now is the Raspberry Stuff I bought from the Giant Eagle. It was $4.50! But I think it's worth it, the bottle is almost gone, and it's really good on tomatoes.  I also like Ranch, I am an American after all.

What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
Aladdin's Eatery. They have Lebanese, American and vegetarian food that is awesome! Also everything is made fresh, they don't freeze anything, and they have a patio. Patio eating is more important than you'd think.

What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
You may think I'm gross, but Taco Bell. The food is cheap and it's pretty good. Plus they are open till 4a and don't care if you stumble in there drunk.

What food could you eat every day for 2 weeks and not get sick of?
Two weeks is a long time... I'd have to say Chicken Salad, because you can change the dressings and stuff. My favorite thing is Chicken Salad (you know, with the mayo and the grapes and the almonds and celery) ON TOP OF regular salad! Oh my. I could eat that for 2 weeks.

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
I really like cheese, just cheese. If the dough is good I don't feel like I need all those toppings, plus they fall off and you just end up eating them with your hands. Sometimes if I'm feeling daring I'll get Alfredo sauce, it's good, but you can't always have to.

More about me to follow soon!

i have friends!

Besides my bloggy friends, who I am so appreciative of because reading about other peoples is easier than focusing on my own... (my own issue, I'm working on it), I have real friends in the real world who have reached out to me and made me feel wonderful.

David is a great person, I'll be the first to admit it; and although breaking up is usually messy ours wasn't. I cried, I yelled at him to just say he didn't love me anymore, I called him a pussy (I'm a real gem, I know) and I begged him to give us another chance; but after I went home, cried myself to sleep, woke up at 4:30 because that's just what type of person I am, realized I was actually alone and it hadn't been a dream, I started to think about why this happened.

And when I started to think my mind was blown at how I was not at all like myself that I used to know. I wasn't the girl David fell in love with, and that's why he didn't love me anymore. I thought about all the things I was hiding from and I noticed that the friends I had been neglecting were a part of that. I didn't talk to them because they reminded me of a part of my life that was terrible. They reminded me of exactly what I was avoiding.

Since facebook connects you to everyone you ever passed by in the hall at some point in your life, all those people who loved me still came out of the wood work and showed me that I have friends,all I have to do is ask.

I'm not looking to fill the empty time with other people, I'm just looking to be the person I used to be, and I used to be friends with everyone. I used to be busy, and have a social life. I used to be unavailable (with things other than being dependant on David for my happiness) and I used to be fun.

I'm excited to be and to have fun again. I'm excited to reconnect with myself and my friends. I'm so excited.

Yes, I'm lonely, and yes sleeping by yourself sucks; but knowing who you are is a huge part of dating someone, and I lost that part.

I miss being with him for a lot of reasons, but I remember not needing those things in my life. I remember hating sharing a bed (I'm a hog, everyone knows it), I remember loathing the idea of being tied down by another person, I remember cheating* on boyfriends because they just weren't that important to me. I remember dating 4 people at one time, because I didn't feel like being with one person was the best idea! I was so smart! Where did I go?

I am here now, not in all my former glory, but working on becoming the person I'm proud to be again.

Hello Epiphany, I'm Denise. Thanks for letting me have you. You were great, you blew my mind. And I liked what we were, but i don't know if I can handle more of you right now. So I'll have you of you happen upon me, but I'm not looking for something long term here. It was great, just what I needed. So thank you.


* I have a philosophy on cheating, and it's a good one. If you love someone, and you love them enough you won't cheat. It's plain and simple. You'll choose not to for the sheer fact that you love them so much that even risking hurting their feelings will turn you off from that; so it'll never happen. The few boyfriends I had that I count as meaning anything to me I never even thought about cheating on, because they were enough and their feelings were important enough for it to be a non issue. The others... well, not so much. You know when it'll last, and you know when it won't. Cheating is stupid, unless you don't care enough not to. Like I've said before, dating one person at a time is a waste of time... sometimes.

I can do this

I can get through this, although right now it seems like things couldn't really get worse.

I still love him, obviously; but right now I need to focus on me.

Friends? I don't know, not for a while at least... like i said, I still love him, a lot.

Here is what happened, in a nut shell:

Once there was a girl, and she fell in love with a boy. And soon that boy also fell in love with that girl. And they were happy, together.

Then everything in the girls life seemed to fall to pieces. She lost her vision, she lost her job, she lost her drive; she lost everything but him.

And she loved him so so much.

Well, that love became a crutch, and instead of focusing on solving her problems, she pretended they didn't exist; because with him they didn't.

Soon the boy got tired of the girl and her lack of ability to cope with reality outside of their relationship. He got tired of her always wanting to be around. He got tired of her using him to substitute happiness; because the girl he fell in love with was independent, and now she wasn't. She wasn't the same person, she was broken inside, and because she had him to lean on she wasn't trying to fix it.

The girl noticed his hesitance. She noticed him not wanting to be close to her as much and she felt him pulling away; and like all irrational people she clung tighter. And in doing so she made him pull away harder, because when you cling, the thing you cling to desires space all the more.

You can't make someone want to be with you, they either do or they don't.

And she clung, and he tried to make it work. But it didn't.

At least not now, not that way.

The girl is tired. She is sad. She is so so sad. But she understands, which in a way makes her feel worse, because she knows it's all her fault.

So for now she promises herself to work on the things that she was hiding from in the first place. The things she ran away from because he was easier than dealing with her broken life. And she'll try being his friend, soon; because he really is important to her. And they really do work well together, but for now she needs to be the girl she was before she fell in love. The girl she loved to be. The girl she was proud to be. The girl who he fell in love with, but not because he loved her, because she loved herself.

And if you don't love yourself, why would anyone else?

its over

So David and I broke up. I feel like the only thing worth holding on to in my life is gone, and now I have no clue what to do next, or where to go from here.

One man cannot make me. But this man has left a huge mark on my life, and now I'm empty. I'm sorry this blog post sucks. I'm sorry I let my own insecurities ruin something wonderful.

I can't blame him for not wanting me anymore. I don't want me anymore... why should he?

should I talk about how sad I am?

I think I will, because it's all I can think about.

When you're in a relationship with someone it's a general understanding that you both make compromises and work at the relationship, and do things to make the other person happy because you're in love, and love is about giving. Right?

And because you're in love you want to spend time together, and share things with the other person, and in doing so you become closer. Right?

And when one of the individuals has a problem, they elan on the other, creating a relationship of balance, and support, and all those other things people say. Right?

Well, that's not how I feel.

I don't feel loved, or wanted. I don't feel listened to, or like he wants to share. I feel like I've been shut out, and in turn shut off.

I don't like this, and maybe it's just because he has been gone so much lately, but whatever it is it hurts. My heart hurts. I want him, but I want him to treat me like I deserve to be treated.

I deserve to be loved, and to feel loved. I deserve to feel important, and wanted, and worth making an effort for. I deserve to be included, and sought out. I deserve to be happy.

So do I leave... or hope he thinks I'm worth keeping, and makes an effort to show me his love?

I hope it's the latter.

I really, really hope.